A little kitty humor

[Soblue]

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of
him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him
at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try
the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He
kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat
would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then
left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so
on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his
home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm
lost and I need directions!"

 

[ma_guy]

Is it animal humor day?

A snail was going along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets.

After going on for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So the snail picked up his pace.

After about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So he kept on going as fast as he could.

After another few weeks the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him, took all of his clothes and the keys to his car.

After another couple of weeks the snail got to a pay phone and called the police. "I’ve been mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets! You need to get down here and take a report or do something," he said.

"Can you give us a description of the turtles?" asked the police officer.

"No, I can’t. It all happened too fast!" cried the snail.

 

[BgMma]

What does a snail say when riding on a turtle's back?













Wheeee!

 

[ma_guy]

Bob woke up one morning to find a gorilla sitting on a branch on the tree in his backyard. He looked through the yellow pages and called a gorilla removal service.

"Is it a male or a female gorilla?" the removal service guy asked.

"I think it's a male," Bob replied.

"No problem! I'll be right there."

Half an hour later the service guy showed up with a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, and a dog. He handed Bob the handcuffs and the shotgun and said: "I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained dog will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."

"OK," Bob said, "But what do I do with the shotgun?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

 

[Agent99]

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied,

"How did you know my name was Katz?"