A little humor to brighten the day

[christabelll]

Aircraft Maintenance is serious business
________________________________________
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P : Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And lastly..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[damppanties]

Thanks for the laughs. *wiping tears off*

 

[Guest]

And now - converations between pilots and tower

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

And my personal favorite :

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

 

[rgraham666]

Love it.

Especially the one in Frankfurt.

 

[Emerald_Dragon]

Hahahahahahaheheheheheheheheh

Oh my God I just about peed my pants!

 

[BlackShanglan]

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

It's a joyous mind that thinks to add, "after brief search."

Loved the control/plane conversations as well.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Gives me a hankerin to watch "Pushing Tin" again...

 

[slyc_willie]

Thanks, Bell. I needed that.

Damn those midgets and their hammers . . . .

 

[trysail]

Operating under the assumption that it is safe to pass along ethnic/gender (a/k/a "politically incorrect) jokes provided that no group is left out (hmmm, on reflection, I note the absence of Asians/Blacks/Muslims/Jews as targets), I offer the following to brighten your day:


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and
husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
. . . . Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a
new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
. . . .Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class
uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
. . . .A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
. . . . .A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office
is flying at half-mast?
. . . . .They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on
the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

What's the difference between a northern fairytale
and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 

[trysail]

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. > St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

 

[john-the-author]

My wife, who is a judge (or, as she puts it, "A lawyer in recovery") is particularly fond of this lawyer joke I told her when we were first dating:

Q. What do you call 150 lawyers skydiving?
A. Skeet.

She gets me back by telling banjo jokes (I've played banjo for decades now). Some of her faves are:

Q. How can you tell if the stage is level?
A. The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

Q. What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A. Throwing a banjo in the toilet without hitting the rim.

Q. What's the first thing every banjo player knows?
A. That Jed's a millionaire.

Years ago, I was doing a concert in Portland and I was telling banjo jokes at one point between songs and I got to this one:

Q. What's the difference between a banjo and an Uzi?

Before I could say the answer ("The Uzi only repeats 40 times"), someone in the third row shouted out "The banjo clears the room faster!" Well, when you're nailed, you're nailed. What can I say?

The Babe and I were doing a performance last year and we walked on stage. I had the instruments. The Babe got to the mike and ad-libbed "It's often said that the definition of a gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo, and doesn't. I'd like to point out that my husband has just walked on stage carrying two banjos."

No fuckin' respect, just none whatsoever.... <sigh>

 

[christabelll]

More Humor~~~

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. Miss Beatrice, he said... I wonder if you would tell me about this?? Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
If you don't send this to five GOOD friends right away there will be five
fewer people smiling in the world.