A little advice for a beginner please!

[xCuriousx]

Hello everyone,
I used to lurk on here a little in the past, and now I've come back for inspiration!
I could really do with some advice.
My partner and I have been together for a few years.
I know that we both have compatible fantasies of the bdsm variety, and I'm sure he knows too. We did talk about it when we first met and since have played with the idea in the bedroom on and off, both agreeing that those our our most exciting play sessions! But both of us are a bit shy about it I think. He has admitted he has some hangup about the whole thing, maybe feeling a little ashamed?
I'm just a bit shy, and I also feel that if I'm the one that initiates things then that defeats the object of him taking control, especially as I'm not exactly sure what he wants and he may go along with something just for me.
Some of it is that I don't really know exactly what I want, its actually more important what he wants...but he wont come right out and tell me. More towards the start of the relationship I told him some of my fantasies, of being held and used and hurt, but although it obviously turned him on I think I scared him off too!(it was fairly mild stuff and I left it a bit vague so shouldnt have been too scary!)
I'm very happy to take things slowly, we're both learning together which is always good.
So how do you encourage someone to let their fantasies run? I don't want me being the one that has the power(though subtley) and makes the decisions.
Does that make sense?!
Thank-you in advance for any suggestions you can make.
X

 

[FurryFury]

Ask him what is a fantasy he'd like to make really happen?

Then tell him one of yours.

Make them happen by working on the ideas together. You might take the lead on his and he on yours.

See if you guys enjoy that.

Communication is essential you can't opt out of that.

I'd also suggest an BDSM interest checklist.

 

[broken_lizrd]

Start talking more in bed. If he's hesitant about it, then there's a reason. If you feel like you're pushing him, you are. We can be easily confused as to what we truly want to explore physically. Take charge of a conversation in bed, and see where you can lead it. He probably won't mind a bit. good luck

 

[xCuriousx]

I'm laughing at myself right now.
I never thought of just asking for a fantasy he would like us to try. I just asked in more general terms about what he would like. Its sort of obvious in retrospect that what you've suggested will work better! He can suggested something that he feels less embarrassed about to start with.
Thank-you! Thats certainly a good place for me to start.

Generally we're pretty good communicators, we do talk quite openly about sex and everything else in our relationship. Just on this subject I think we both don't want to push each other and are a little nervous of rejection.

 

[FurryFury]

That fear of rejection thing is a real bitch.

As long as you both love one another and want the best for one another, IMO, you should both be willing to at least try anything.

 

[xCuriousx]

hehe, it certainly is.
I'm just going to have to be brave. I'm willing to try something if he will suggest it, because then at least I can be confident thats what he wants rather than he's going along with something just to please me.
X

 

[FurryFury]

Just remember it needs to be an exchange of ideas. Tit for tat. Why? Because he may not know if he likes some of the things you crave until he tries them and vice versa!

 

[littleg~rl]

Many of us have been where you are right now. So tell us, how are you getting on?

Seems you want him to actively pursue the dominant role rather than you suggest it. I agree with the other comments - talk about it.

Try showing him how dirty and hot it makes you, that way it will turn him on seeing you aroused by it... makes things easier keeping things light rather than a heavy talk, have fun with it.

Let us know how you got on
:O)

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I don't know how many times EG and I - and others, certainly! - have mentioned the three most important rules for relationships...

1. Communicate

2. COMMUNICATE

3. COMMUNICATE!

If you truly want this to happen, no matter how mild or wild, nothing good will happen (in the long run) without clear and honest communication with your partner. Talk to him, trade fantasies (as was suggested above), discuss how to implement them (if need be), and then try them out. Without communication, though, it's my experience that you're doomed to disappointment.

 

[SweetErika]

My partner and I have been together for a few years.
I know that we both have compatible fantasies of the bdsm variety, and I'm sure he knows too. We did talk about it when we first met and since have played with the idea in the bedroom on and off, both agreeing that those our our most exciting play sessions!

So, you know him fairly well and know he's enjoyed BDSM play before, right? If so, keep that in mind.

But both of us are a bit shy about it I think. He has admitted he has some hangup about the whole thing, maybe feeling a little ashamed?

This is pretty common, I think. I certainly had reservations about giving pain, taking control, etc. We're taught that causing pain and being controlling are bad from a very young age, so it's natural to be ashamed when we enjoy things we're not "supposed" to do. I think it's worse/harder to process for men a lot of times, whether Dom or sub.

I'd suggest giving him time while encouraging him to work through it and giving him lots of positive reinforcement. Find out what his specific fears/hangups are, and address them. Show your appreciation and that it's OK to do what you ask for or suggest and really enjoy it. Tell him you wouldn't ask/suggest if it wasn't something you didn't really want. Reassure him you're not as fragile as he might think. Stuff like that.

I'm just a bit shy, and I also feel that if I'm the one that initiates things then that defeats the object of him taking control, especially as I'm not exactly sure what he wants and he may go along with something just for me.

Maybe if you're still initiating everything many years down the line, but he probably needs your help with getting things going right now. You have to remember that he may not know what you want, when you want to play, or even what he likes. You're probably going to have to go through a period of teaching and learning together, which will involve you being very open, initiating, etc. That's not topping from the bottom or defeating the purpose, it's being an active partner and working toward the purpose.

You might talk about what he would like you to do if you're open to play. Maybe it'll be as simple as telling him you're open to it, and then he can take it from there, if he chooses. That's still him making the choice and having the control.

On him going along with things: What if he asked you to do something you weren't sure about or familiar with? Might you do it, just to try it or please him? Wouldn't that be OK?

We all do things for our partners just to please them or see if we like them. It's still our decision as to whether we're going to do them or not; we're still in control of that. In my mind, there's absolutely nothing wrong with a Dominant deciding to do something a sub wants. The Dom can always say "no" if s/he really doesn't want to do it.

And that's where trust comes in. You have to trust that he'll tell you if he's really not up to trying it, or decides he doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it again. You have to trust him to be in control of himself, make decisions and be honest with you. If you can't trust that, your relationship is probably on very shaky ground.

Some of it is that I don't really know exactly what I want, its actually more important what he wants...but he wont come right out and tell me.

Figure out what you want. That's your responsibility. Checklists are great for gauging interest from both sides, as Fury suggested. Try filling a comprehensive one out separately, then going over it together. It's a great conversation starter, too, IME.

I think it's a problem to put his wants at the top this early in the game, when he may not know what he wants. I've found us both deciding what we want (for the time being, as things change), looking at the intersections and exploring to be a much more effective strategy than adopting the other person's wants. I'm not saying you shouldn't try something he wants but you're unsure about or aren't wild about, just that I think it's a bad idea to rely on his desires and not explore your own this early. You may very well get to a point where that works for you in the future, but it's definitely a process, and it doesn't sound like you guys are at that place yet.

More towards the start of the relationship I told him some of my fantasies, of being held and used and hurt, but although it obviously turned him on I think I scared him off too!(it was fairly mild stuff and I left it a bit vague so shouldnt have been too scary!)

Why do you think it scared him off? Did he say so? Run away? Scream?

Have you tried being very specific now that you have more history together?

Without knowing either of you, I don't know what would work for you, but maybe playing a game (like asking 20 questions, writing questions down on cards, truth or dare, two truths and one lie), or writing things down, or even just having a talk about your specific fantasies in a "safe zone" where you agree anything goes and no one will be judged, would get the ball rolling.

I heard of one couple who would sit back-to-back to talk about things they were embarrassed or shy about. It seems strange, but I've found talking in the dark or not looking at each other to be helpful myself, even though I really like talking face-to-face. Sometimes I just blurt things out, before I have a chance to worry about them, too. I force myself to be completely open and honest, and see my husband's reaction (which is never as bad as I imagine if I have time to think about it!).

Try different things and find what works for you. If you're having trouble, think about your specific fears and address them with evidence and logic. For example, if you're afraid he'll think you're too weird and leave you, come up with examples of times you've been very open before, consider his reaction(s) and actions (he didn't laugh at you or leave you for that, right?).

So how do you encourage someone to let their fantasies run? I don't want me being the one that has the power(though subtley) and makes the decisions.

Again, I think there's a big distinction between topping from the bottom and being an active partner. TftB would be pushing him to do what you want, trying to control, manipulate. Presenting him with a list of demands, insisting he does things you know he doesn't like, whining when you don't get your way, refusing to do/try things that aren't on your list of likes, pushing for more play than he's clearly comfy with...those are examples of trying to control under the guise of being submissive.

In contrast, being an active partner is, for example, figuring out and telling him what you like, your soft and hard limits, communicating what does and doesn't work for you (he can still decide what to do; you're just letting him get to know you so he can make a fully informed decision), telling him you're open to play, telling him what you need to be happy, asking him if you can try things, and teaching him what you know. This is a far cry from trying to control, having the power and making the decisions.

And BTW, I think most of us want our subs to make decisions. Our rule is that I make the final decisions or have veto power. My guy is incredibly smart and capable, and I want him making decisions. I also want him to come to me with things he's interested in, wants, needs and knows. He does a lot for us and makes a lot of decisions on a daily basis; that's him being in control of what I want him to be in control of, not him being in control of our relationship. As long as I have final say on any given matter that's within the realm of control we've agreed upon, I'm in control.

Anyway, I'm not suggesting that our way is the only way or how you should work your relationship, but it might be something you want to think about and discuss, as it might save you a lot of unnecessary worry and help you lay a foundation for your D/s relationship.

 

[oneguy4fun]

I can related to how you feel. I crave to be dominated and with my wife I have topped from the bottom to get her into it. It's been several years since we started and she has taken the lead, but there are still times where I have to egg her on or subtly suggest things.

I found that she often did not know exactly what to do. I would tell her I like to be dominated or disciplined, but she was not sure where to begin. Communication helps, but if your not sure exactly what you want it makes the communication difficulit. Some thngs that worked for me

I researched websites that had information on the thnigs I like and I created a document for her with links to these websites so she could explore herself and learn.

Printed out erotic stories that turned me on and gave them to her to read. It helps to underline or highlight the parts that you really like so you partner does not overlook something, thinking it's something you would not be interested in.

Bought her books with erotic stories, or advice.

Whenever she does something I really like I let her know afterwards how awesome it was. Sometimes I verbally tell her or sometimes I leave her a letter. I am very specific about what she did that I liked and how grateful I am that she letting me live out my fantasies.

Hope this helps.

 

[xCuriousx]

Thank-you so much everyone. Especially SweetErika, I really appreciate the though that went into your post.
This has helped me a lot. I think part of it is that I needed to think it through properly myself.
I've certainly tried the just being generally encouraging and it does seem to help. As you say I have to make sure that I am obvious enough about letting him know that I like it and not assume that he knows already. He always is reluctant to believe me that i quite enjoy the afterglow of soreness and is very apologetic, so i'm being more effusive with my thanks now!
I bought us a board game, which seems to be orientated the right way(it comes with a paddle!) but light hearted, it looks like it may be a bit naff but at least might start us talking.

Another slightly related question. I'm looking out for any 'normal' moves that might be pretty sexy for us to watch, is there any that have a subtle D/s theme out there? It doesn't have to be too blatant, I'm not looking for porn, but just slinky suggestion.

Thanks again! X

 

[FurryFury]

You'd be surprised how much D/s was in the Buffy and Angel TV shows.

 

[nh23]

You'd be surprised how much D/s was in the Buffy and Angel TV shows.

*nods* I adore Buffy and Angel. Have all of them on DVD.

 

[twysted73]

Go here: http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/introduction.php3
Log On.
Use/fill out their questionairre.
If it's listed for you, you'd have a place to start.
If not......PM me and I'll send the one I use to you.

 

[locked_tight]

i agree with alot of the points on here, but mostly on how important communication is. it's a damn shame, but none of us are mind readers, so unless you both talk to each other, you're not going to have any idea what's going on in those heads of yours be honest .. to yourself and your man. there's no shame in being honest. in being honest, you will ultimately get what you want, one way or another.

checklists are great because then you could both fill one out and compare what types of kinks get your boat floating there are so many activities related to BDSM. and research is good too, for both of you i think.

is there perhaps some religious upbringing with your partner that may be holding him back? or perhaps he has had the idea put in his head that people who are into this are 'weird' and 'freaks'? something is obviously holding him back a little, if you're sure that the earlier fantasy talk had him going hot, hehe.

try this website too, the link provided leads to a very insightful essay about opening up to a vanilla partner.

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/nalavanillapartner.htm

as said before by others, i too would like to hear about how it goes! and i wish you and your partner the very best luck on your BDSM discovery! *hugs*