A Lesson in Love Ch. 1 - 2 and The Beach Feedback

[rache141]

I have submitted two stories:
A Lesson In Love Ch 1 - 2 (Erotic couplings)
The Beach (Exhibtionist and Voyuer)

I would love some more feedback on them, they both contain the same characters and A lesson in love comes first, if you have comments, can you post them on the actually story as I check there most, thank you.
If you wish to disscuss it please post here instead

xx

rache141

 

[MarshAlien]

I have submitted two stories:
A Lesson In Love Ch 1 - 2 (Erotic couplings)
The Beach (Exhibtionist and Voyuer)

I would love some more feedback on them, they both contain the same characters and A lesson in love comes first, if you have comments, can you post them on the actually story as I check there most, thank you.
If you wish to disscuss it please post here instead

xx

rache141

If you want feedback, we need links;
We're lazy - yeah, I know, it stinks.
But it was you began this thread;
No links, and all your work's unread.

Thank you very much. It was my turn anyway.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

If you want feedback, we need links;
We're lazy - yeah, I know, it stinks.
But it was you began this thread;
No links, and all your work's unread.

Thank you very much. It was my turn anyway.

That was damned clever...

 

[MarshAlien]

That was damned clever...

Kind of makes you wonder why I'm not a best-selling author here at Literotica, doesn't it? Trolls, I'm sure.

 

[_Lynn_]

If you want feedback, we need links;
We're lazy - yeah, I know, it stinks.
But it was you began this thread;
No links, and all your work's unread.

Thank you very much. It was my turn anyway.

Smart ass

 

[rachlou]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=317360

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=313407

Here you all go - she's got a similar name to me so I thought I'd be helpful.

 

[rachlou]

Okay, since i posted the links, i'll add a few comments too.

The first couple of paragraphs were a little clumsy and would have made me click the back button ordinarily. I didn't really understand why Gerri was in the classroom, working on something. But perhaps that's immaterial. I also felt the short conversation with her boyfriend added nothing to the plot.

"I give up," she said, still clutching the teacher's sheet... She spun round suddenly as she heard the door creak slowly open and hastily she put down the notes.

"Oh sir, I'm sorry, I'm almost finished...oh" she looked at the figure at the door that had startled her, the tall slender figure. "Seb?"

"Hey," a cheeky smile flitted across his defined cheeks. He was dressed casually in a pale shirt and his normal dark trousers. Her heart skipped a beat as he walked into the lamplight that had basked her for the past few hours. Why was he here so late? Mouth open she stared up at his face.

"Since when do you address me as 'Sir'?" he laughed. Gerri licked dry lips,

"Oh sorry, I thought you were Mr. Thompson," she looked down at her feet and dug the toes of her black pumps into the carpet. Sebastian laughed again, for a moment he stared at her steadily, then down at her poor attempt at her coursework.

"Tut, tut, Ms. Grainger, your going to get a detention for that aren't you?"

Apart from the unecessary ellipses I thought this passage worked pretty well.

Together they laughed as they sat in the dull classroom, genuinely enjoying each others companies, and despite Gerri's cute virginal nature, Sebastian saw the lust in her and his eyes could not resist the small section from the lace at the top of her stockings that peeked out from under her tight black skirt and he completely forgot what he was about to say. Gerri noticed his abrupt silence and the flush of his face, which looked almost timid all of a sudden. Concerned, she placed her hand on Sebastian's thigh.

I think you swapped POV in this paragraph. You would be better sticking to Gerri's POV throughout the entire story - it is less confusing.

"Nothing," Gerri smiled at him, reassured, "I'm just going to get my coursework", "Oh no I'll get it!" Gerri exclaimed

I wasn't sure you added the Oh no I'll get it! It felt like Seb should had said something to provoke that.

Just keep looking," he ordered. Spinning round Gerri continued to search to papers. <new paragraph>"This is just text books Sebastian, no coursework's, are you sure it's in here because-" she took a short, sharp breath in as she heard him behind her and impulsively she got up to face him, closing the closet behind her

You need to start a new paragraph as currently you have two people speaking within the same paragraph.

Hey do you wanna come round my place tomorrow?" Gerri asked timidly.

"Is it going to be rude?"

"Hey I never said that!"

"I'm not coming if it's not rude," Gerri smiled coyly at Sebastian and as she had done many a time, she got caught up in his eyes.

I lost track of who was speaking here. The last sentence by my reckoning was Seb, yet you attributed it to Gerri.

"You wait Gerri, my hand will feel so much better than your little finger ever can, after your lying down, naked on your bed, your going to spread those legs for me and I'm going to open you up, part those hot lips of yours and run my finger along. You're already wet, I can tell, and I'm going to rub your little swollen clit until your sopping pussy is dripping onto your bed, and then, then you'll feel the cock that I've longed to put inside you for so long," Gerri was feeling new sensations as Sebastian explained himself to her.

I like this where he tells her exactly what he's gonna do to her.

The sex scenes are the bits of the story that work the best. You just need to be careful of the small errors that detract from the flow of the story and watch you POV ! I'm no grammar expert, but i spotted quite a few mistakes here and there - but there was nothing that an editor couldn;t sort out.

Hope that helps a little.

 

[MarshAlien]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=317360

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=313407

Here you all go - she's got a similar name to me so I thought I'd be helpful.

Enabler.

 

[MarshAlien]

I read "A Lesson in Love," and my major problem was that the characters and the setting were just not drawn clearly enough for me to understand them. If Gerri is the teacher, why does Seb later state, "Ever since you developed those breasts, Geri...?" And why is Seb the one who basically takes control? It may be a case of a shy, vulnerable teacher and a preternaturally confident student, but there was nothing else about these characters that allowed me a glimpse into their lives and made me really care about them.

With respect to the setting, I would have liked to know what they were both doing there so late. Otherwise, Seb just sort of springs up out of nowhere.

There are a lot of typographical and grammatical errors that could be cleaned up by a good edit (starting, in the first paragraph, with the oddly capitalized "C" in classroom, and the run-on sentence at the end).

In general, though, I think an author has to work a little harder to make teacher-student sex credible, and I didn't see that credibility here yet. Rache141 appears to have some writing talent, but she needs to slow down a little bit to let it flower.

 

[jomar]

Kind of makes you wonder why I'm not a best-selling author here at Literotica, doesn't it? Trolls, I'm sure.

You might be, though there are forces at work to undermine other toplist authors.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Kind of makes you wonder why I'm not a best-selling author here at Literotica, doesn't it? Trolls, I'm sure.

I thought you were tied for the top spot...

 

[_Lynn_]

I thought you were tied for the top spot...

I could so take that statement and run with it......

 

[MarshAlien]

I thought you were tied for the top spot...

In the sense that I've sold exactly the same number of stories on Literotica as everyone else has, yeah, I guess I am. 'Course, there's no second place...

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

In the sense that I've sold exactly the same number of stories on Literotica as everyone else has, yeah, I guess I am. 'Course, there's no second place...

Wish I could be in the top list. But I'm much too bitchy, I suppose. And nobody likes my version of porn

 

[rache141]

Links People

um, hey sorry about no links, here they are
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=317360
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=313407

enjoy

xx

 

[rache141]

I read "A Lesson in Love," and my major problem was that the characters and the setting were just not drawn clearly enough for me to understand them. If Gerri is the teacher, why does Seb later state, "Ever since you developed those breasts, Geri...?" And why is Seb the one who basically takes control? It may be a case of a shy, vulnerable teacher and a preternaturally confident student, but there was nothing else about these characters that allowed me a glimpse into their lives and made me really care about them.

With respect to the setting, I would have liked to know what they were both doing there so late. Otherwise, Seb just sort of springs up out of nowhere.

There are a lot of typographical and grammatical errors that could be cleaned up by a good edit (starting, in the first paragraph, with the oddly capitalized "C" in classroom, and the run-on sentence at the end).

In general, though, I think an author has to work a little harder to make teacher-student sex credible, and I didn't see that credibility here yet. Rache141 appears to have some writing talent, but she needs to slow down a little bit to let it flower.

Gerri's not a teacher, why would a teacher do coursework? I do admit its grammatically bad, im rubbish at english, but i thought it was obvious that they were the same age (look at the description) but thanks everyone for commenting