A Joke A Day

[FurryFace]

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Psychology...

A psychiatrist is conducting a group session with 4 young mothers and their kids.

"You all have obsessions," he observes. "You" he says to the 1st mother, "You're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turns to the 2nd mum "Your obsession is money. It shows in your child's name, Penny."

He goes to the 3rd mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows in your child's name, Brandi."

The 4th mother quietly gets up and whispers to her boy, "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets go and pick up Willie and Nobby from school".

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Socialising...

I was at a party the other night, and a man came up to me.
Without saying a word he handed me what appeared to be a business card.

When I read it, it said:
The man who gave you this card is a plain clothes police officer.
Do not be alarmed. Just smile, but try not to react in any other way.
You are not in any danger. There is nothing to be concerned about.
Simply lie down and do exactly as the nice policeman tells you.

 

[Tdfkats]

Mikey and Patty are sitting in the pub getting shitfaced. Soon they begin to boast and tell stories of their manly conquests.

Mikey says, "You know Patty me good friend, with the exception of me sister and me mum, I have had me every woman in this town."

Patty looks at Mikey and raises his glass. "Well, me good friend Mikey, between the two of us... we got em allllllll."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Crude...

Q. What is grey and comes in pints?
A. An elephant.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

There's an old saying...

If a tree falls in a forest, and no-one witnesses it, does it still make a sound?

... or (more fundamentally)...

If a man speaks his mind in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

 

[FurryFace]

I was out for a celebratory meal with my young wife when all the locals started calling me awful names like cradle-snatcher & pedophile, just because she's only 21 and I'm 50. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary!

 

[RustyIron]

I swallowed some food coloring,

I think I dyed a little inside.

 

[FurryFace]

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand and came that close to shagging a Ladyboy.

Looked like a woman,
spoke like a woman,
walked like a woman,
even kissed like a woman...

It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed into a narrow parking space in the dark with no problem that I thought... just a minute!!!

 

[Wkd_Macey]

It Happened in Georgia...

Supposedly true

A shoplifter in Augusta, Georgia, tried to make off with a lap-top computer. Apparently the shoplifter became irate with staff at the store while being confronted. after his attempt to steal a computer was caught on surveillance video. He pulled a knife on the employees and made a run for the door, where he met with a group of four US Marines collecting for 'Toys for Tots'.

The Marines stopped the thief, but not before he managed to stab one corpral in the back. The corpral's injury was not life threatening, but when police and an ambulance showed up, the injured man was transported to a local hospital for treatment.

The shoplifter was also transported to the same hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, multiple missing teeth, a broken nose, several broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, and a broken jaw - injuries he sustained when he 'fell off the sidewalk' after stabbing the Marine, according to the police report.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

A friend told me this story...

... taken from a Web Site called the Darwin Awards.

For those like me who had never heard of this, it's a Web Site dedicated to stories about people who, through their own stupidity, have removed themselves from the gene pool.

This is usually achieved as a posthumous award, but in this particular case it was a guy who managed to simply get his...

... well, it's probably funnier if I just tell the story



This biker guy was cleaning his motorbike on the patio and decided it was too cold, so he moved the bike into his living room, where he continued to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of petrol (gas).

When he'd finished, he sat on the bike and decided to start it to make sure all was still OK. Sadly, while cleaning it he had accidentally slipped it into gear. It started, and went crashing through the plate glass patio door with him still hanging on.

His wife, who had been busy in the kitchen, came rushing in to find him and the bike on the patio, badly cut from broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics took him away to the Emergency Room to be patched up.

After the doctors had stitched him back together, his wife took him home and put him to bed. Then she set about cleaning up the mess in the living room, dumping the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly after that, her husband awoke, lit a cigarette, and hobbled into the bathroom for a badly needed relief break. He sat on the loo, tossing the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because his wife hadn't flushed the petrol away.

The explosion blew the poor sod right through the bathroom door and out into the hall. On hearing the loud explosion and her husband's terrible screams, his wife ran into the hall to find the unfortunate guy lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns all around his you-know-where.

For the second time, his wife rang for an ambulance. As luck would have it, the same two paramedics quickly arrived at the scene. Again they loaded the husband on to a stretcher and carried him out to the ambulance. While en-route, one of the paramedics asked his wife how her husband had sustained the second injury. When she told them, they both began laughing so much that they dropped the stretcher, and the poor sap fell in the street, breaking his collarbone.


Go to Darwin Awards and search for 'Unfortunate Husband'.

 

[RustyIron]

This ^^^^^^^^Bahahahahah.

I can only please one person per day,
and today is just not your fucking day.

 

[EdEc]

A Dr. Pepper salesman was traveling through the jungle in Africa, with 8 cases of Dr. Pepper in cans. He suddenly found himself surrounded by a tribe of cannibals. He explained the taste difference between Dr. Pepper and cola, hoping to make a sale and get out of the jungle alive. To his surprise, the cannibals grabbed him, stripped off all of his clothing and placed him into a cauldron which was filled with a variety of hot water and a lot of vegetables. When he was fully cooked, he was removed and served for dinner with the vegetables and Dr. Pepper to drink. Every part of him was eaten during the meal except for his thing. At the after-dinner discussion that evening, one of the young cannibals asked why nobody ate the salesman's thing. The adults sang in a chorus, "Things go better with Coca-Cola, things go better with Coke.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Anyone there?

 

[SetYourCatOnMyLap]

My Grandpa overdosed on Viagra.......My Grandma took it really Hard..

 

[bone251]

I would not hire her to be a spell checker at the M&M factory.

 

[bone251]

A really bad insult.

Your Daddy buys Bud Light at Target.

 

[BusDee276]

A man walked into a bar and broke his nose. It was an iron bar