A.I. Mind Control - Mother figure Feedback

[Nightscream89]

Hi everyone,

Today my new story got published. https://www.literotica.com/s/a-i-mind-control-mother-figure
It is my first story that is not part of my series (Gentlemen's club)
In addition, this story is the first time I have written a story in past tense. My series is in present tense what is what I have always opted for before, but a lot of people said they prefer stories in past tense so I gave that a shot.

The story is about a young guy who is somewhat considered a genious in computer tech and programming. He just finished his A.I. technology that is designed to provide people with what they need. He paired it with Nano-bot technology and he just turned it on to test it on himself. However things don't go exactly as he had thought.

This idea came to me from a topic on the idea board: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/story-idea-motherly-ai-apocalypse.1629076/

I don't know yet if I am going to turn this into a series, I want to complete my first series first and I'm also writing another story currently.
So that mostly will depend on what people think of it, how much motivation I have and how much time I have.
In addition, this is the first time I wrote a scenario of a younger man (virgin) with a somewhat older and more experienced woman. So yeah there were some challanges all around.

Any and all feedback is welcome! And please let me know if you prefer me writing in present tense or past tense if you have red my series and this story.

So in short, let me know what you think!

 

[AlexBailey]

Hi Nightscream89,

Please take this with a grain of salt. I’m no great writer but I’ve been studying to get better and I’m taking this as an opportunity to put some of what I’ve been learning to work. I’m going to give you the kind of feedback I look for.

I like the sci-fi premise but I wish you’d gone deeper into the tech, or at least put a bit more focus on Josh’s engineer perspective.

I work with a lot of developing technologies where every nuance of feedback is critically important to the development process. It’s the kind of stuff that wakes me up in the middle of the night when I have a revelation. I would expect a tech-geek shut-in like Josh to live for his project to the point where he would be obsessing on the causes of what was happening, even when faced with a big set of tits.

He’s developed a revolutionary breakthrough that could make him a billionaire. Tits might distract him but it isn’t going to turn his brain off completely…. Or maybe it will? If so I didn’t get the overriding buildup and awe of a first sexual encounter that throws everything else completely aside.

You brushed on it in the passage below and several other times but instead of exploring the concept you left my geek-mind wanting so much more.

Josh quietly went along with what Margot told him. His mind however was still turning, wondering if his A.I. somehow influenced Margot to come here. And if so, to what extent was the A.I. controlling Margot? However Josh figured that for now it wouldn't hurt to have her help him get a good meal, he figured that afterwards he could fix anything the A.I. has done.

As far as the mechanics of the writing go, you switch to present tense in several places:

"It's not possible, even with the nanobots." He continued. "Mind control? No way." He tries reassuring himself.

Josh turns towards the A.I. "A.I. Did you..." Josh tried to address his A.I. but was rudely interrupted.

You’re often more wordy than necessary, especially in your speech tags. In the quotes below the dialogue speaks for itself - the parts I’ve put in bold are redundant.

"Now let me take care of you and it will all be fine." She told him soothingly.

"Are you sure about this? I don't even know you. Why would you do this for me?" Josh protested, still confused.

Josh smiled at Margot for the first time. "Thank you ma'am. I really appreciate it." He thanked her kindly. "Aren't you going to eat?" He asked curiously.

You have a tendency to be unnecessarily wordy. You could do well to focus on, or at least be more aware of the efficiency in your writing.

A couple of words popped up enough to distract me: “however” and “suddenly”. I can’t say they were inappropriate, just that they were common enough that they began to stand out. There are also a couple of places where repeating the same word in close proximity is distracting:

As Josh was sleeping peacefully on the couch, he was suddenly rudely awakened by someone ringing the doorbell of his apartment. He was a bit surprised as he never gets any visitors. As he walked towards the door he wondered if it's just some salesman, however as he opened the door a beautiful middle aged woman was standing in front of his door…

This could flow better if you cut some of it out. It could be:

Josh was peacefully sleeping on the couch when the doorbell of the apartment rang. ‘Who could it be?’ He wondered. He never got any visitors. Expecting to open the door to some salesman, he instead found a beautiful middle aged woman standing right in front of him.

Again, this is just from my perspective. I know a lot of lit readers are far more interested in the sex than the sci-fi stuff, but to me, it’s the details in the storytelling that draw me in.

Having your characters work through more inner conflict, including Margot going through the actions but being aware that something is different would have done more to draw me into the scene. It could have raised the stakes with their intimacy if you highlighted how she felt compelled but didn’t know why she was bent on sex for Josh’s sake while he desperately tries to figure out what’s going on with the AI

 

[Nightscream89]

Hi Nightscream89,

Please take this with a grain of salt. I’m no great writer but I’ve been studying to get better and I’m taking this as an opportunity to put some of what I’ve been learning to work. I’m going to give you the kind of feedback I look for.

I like the sci-fi premise but I wish you’d gone deeper into the tech, or at least put a bit more focus on Josh’s engineer perspective.

I work with a lot of developing technologies where every nuance of feedback is critically important to the development process. It’s the kind of stuff that wakes me up in the middle of the night when I have a revelation. I would expect a tech-geek shut-in like Josh to live for his project to the point where he would be obsessing on the causes of what was happening, even when faced with a big set of tits.

He’s developed a revolutionary breakthrough that could make him a billionaire. Tits might distract him but it isn’t going to turn his brain off completely…. Or maybe it will? If so I didn’t get the overriding buildup and awe of a first sexual encounter that throws everything else completely aside.

You brushed on it in the passage below and several other times but instead of exploring the concept you left my geek-mind wanting so much more.



As far as the mechanics of the writing go, you switch to present tense in several places:



You’re often more wordy than necessary, especially in your speech tags. In the quotes below the dialogue speaks for itself - the parts I’ve put in bold are redundant.







You have a tendency to be unnecessarily wordy. You could do well to focus on, or at least be more aware of the efficiency in your writing.

A couple of words popped up enough to distract me: “however” and “suddenly”. I can’t say they were inappropriate, just that they were common enough that they began to stand out. There are also a couple of places where repeating the same word in close proximity is distracting:




This could flow better if you cut some of it out. It could be:



Again, this is just from my perspective. I know a lot of lit readers are far more interested in the sex than the sci-fi stuff, but to me, it’s the details in the storytelling that draw me in.

Having your characters work through more inner conflict, including Margot going through the actions but being aware that something is different would have done more to draw me into the scene. It could have raised the stakes with their intimacy if you highlighted how she felt compelled but didn’t know why she was bent on sex for Josh’s sake while he desperately tries to figure out what’s going on with the AI

Oh wauw, thank you for the elaborate feedback! I really appreciate it.

I will probably write a second chapter to this, I will make sure to go a bit deeper into the technical side as well. Already have something in my head for that, even though some stuff I will just be making up completely (probably a newly discovered metal as well.) And I think I will give him biology as a 'weakness' which explains why he didn't see the full potential of his tech. But the A.I. can gather and combine information a lot faster and better, so the A.I. 'improved' on his design.

The present tense/past tense I usually write in present tense, but I know a lot of readers don't like that so I want to switch to past tense, as you noticed, that is a bit of a struggle. I actually read back the story like 4 or 5 times adjusting a lot of these mistakes, but I guess I still missed a bunch. I hope I will improve on that by writing more in present tense.

I admit I am always a bit nervous putting in dialogue without adding "She said"/"He said" but you made me realize I really do need to work on that as well as repeating words less often. 'However' and 'Suddenly' are words I use a lot, I think I'm going to look up some ways to replace to those with different ones so I can switch it up more.

Again thank you so much for all this feedback! It really helps me to improve my writing. I really appreciate it!

 

[AlexBailey]

Oh wauw, thank you for the elaborate feedback! I really appreciate it.

I will probably write a second chapter to this, I will make sure to go a bit deeper into the technical side as well. Already have something in my head for that, even though some stuff I will just be making up completely (probably a newly discovered metal as well.) And I think I will give him biology as a 'weakness' which explains why he didn't see the full potential of his tech. But the A.I. can gather and combine information a lot faster and better, so the A.I. 'improved' on his design.

The present tense/past tense I usually write in present tense, but I know a lot of readers don't like that so I want to switch to past tense, as you noticed, that is a bit of a struggle. I actually read back the story like 4 or 5 times adjusting a lot of these mistakes, but I guess I still missed a bunch. I hope I will improve on that by writing more in present tense.

I admit I am always a bit nervous putting in dialogue without adding "She said"/"He said" but you made me realize I really do need to work on that as well as repeating words less often. 'However' and 'Suddenly' are words I use a lot, I think I'm going to look up some ways to replace to those with different ones so I can switch it up more.

Again thank you so much for all this feedback! It really helps me to improve my writing. I really appreciate it!

I’m glad to hear you’re continuing the story. I’ll definitely check it out.

I wouldn’t worry much about choice of tense, as long as you’re consistent throughout the narrative. Just use whatever works best for you. It’s even possible to switch between past and present effectively, especially when a present tense character is reminiscing or reflecting.

It’s true that some people don’t like present tense… so what? Some people don’t like sci-fi, a lot of people don’t like mind control…. I write primarily about trans/CD. Enough readers don’t like trans/CD that that any trans content is automatically set off in that section, and there are still great divides among interests within it.

Present tense has a way of feeling right in the action - like it’s unfolding for the narrator too and the reader is right there with them. I think it works great for this kind of story, a kind of ‘without a net’ feeling that seems appropriate for an AI going off the rails.

You’ll find other writers going on and on about how they feel just as connected and immediate in past tense… fine. It’s great that you’re using other styles, just don’t avoid using what feels right to you.

I’m a sci-fi geek and very interested in the development of AI. Have you used a chat AI? You might want to check it out if you haven’t yet. I was imagining what sort of instructions or prompts Josh may have used that the AI interpreted to determine that it should do what it did to Margot. Josh would probably be pouring over this, trying to figure out what went wrong.

Are you familiar with graphene? It’s a carbon based substance that can be used to create nano bots. It has the potential to be self-arranging circuitry and could someday be AI driven liquid metal.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Are you familiar with graphene? It’s a carbon based substance that can be used to create nano bots. It has the potential to be self-arranging circuitry and could someday be AI driven liquid metal.

Sorry, but I have to say: graphene is pure carbon. "Carbon-based" is an odd way to describe "carbon". It's a single layer of carbon, one atom thick.

-Annie

 

[AlexBailey]

Sorry, but I have to say: graphene is pure carbon. "Carbon-based" is an odd way to describe "carbon". It's a single layer of carbon, one atom thick.

-Annie

True!

Though a sheet of graphene can also be doped with other elements to produce layers with different permeabilities and electrical characteristics.