A Honest Request for Advice

[CafeTerrace]

Hello,

I am an 18 year old female, and I've recently run into some confusion sexually. As far as I can tell, I am submissive. As soon as I started reading some of the BDSM stories on Literotica, I realized how aroused I became when I thought about being controlled, being used, being dominated, etc. The problem I'm having, though, is the guilt that is associated with all of these feelings. A good majority of the time, I feel guilty/dirty thinking this way or getting aroused at some of the things that I do. I have told my boyfriend about my fantasies, and he has expressed interest in being dominate with me, but because of the guilt/fear that I have of fully indulging in all of these desires, I often have the tendency to retract or even get angry at him. I don't think I have the desire to participate in a BDSM lifestyle, in the permanent sense, nor do I want all of my sexual experiences with my boyfriend to be D/s, but I do want to be controlled sometimes, and I almost always think about some sort of D/s scene to climax. I'm finding it hard to determine how much of these desires I want to remain fantasy and how much I want to be made into reality. I really don't want to hurt or confuse my boyfriend, because he is so caring, and he wants me to be happy in everything that I do, so I'd like to figure this stuff out for myself before I drag him into it further. (As of now, we've stopped trying to be D/s entirely, because I started to get angry when he didn't know when I wanted to be controlled and when I wanted it to be "sweet," even though I know that would mean he had to read my mind, which is completely unreasonable.) If anyone has had similar experiences, or knows more about the things I'm feeling, help would certainly be appreciated. Thank you.

(edited in the absence of Cafe Terrace to remove the email address)

 

[A Desert Rose]

honey, are you sure you want your email address on your post?

That's really not a good idea. ;-)

 

[alonelygal]

.

 

[Skylark]

I used to be that way as well, when getting aroused by certain things (les porn, but i think the issue is pretty much the same...) I had certain ideas about it, and didn't like the idea of something like that turning me on. But we're sexual creatures, all with different triggers...don't be afraid to act on them. Like lonelygal said, it doesn't put you into that category forever. It doesn't define your sexuality, unless you let it. So explore, and enjoy it! You don't have to practice just D/s if you don't want to. It's your decision.

about the getting angry part...i totally get that. I'm like that with my boyfriend, and guys in general, though it's not always while practicing D/s. (it certainly would be nice if they could read our minds during sex, wouldn't it? ) I don't really have any advice...but i know the feeling ><;

You don't have to drag your boyfriend into it, as you put it....you can explore together, slowly. Take it one step at a time. And talk to other people about it; listen to their experiences. Not just with D/s, but with sexuality in general...that always helps me get creative, and know a little more of how i should approach it, and my boyfriend with suggestions.

I honestly don't know if that will help at all (i feel like i've just been rambling on without any sense), but i hope so. ^_^ You'll get it figured out, if you're patient.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Change can often seem scary or raise feelings of insecurity which in turn present in a variety of ways depending on your make up. Perhaps this is what you are expereincing in part. It is also not unusual for many to feel a variety of negative emotions about sexual desires which we are mostly socialised to believe are wrong, bad, inappropriate. It is worth the time to do some self talk about the validity of your choices and desires, reinforcing your security in your own self knowledge. It is also important to share your feelings and confusion with your partner, keep the lines of communication open and flowing. I wish you well in your experiences. Take care.

Catalina

 

[dreaming_lilith]

There is only two rules when it comes to sex:

ANYTHING is okay to think, absolutly anything. The thought is free.

ANYTHING is okay to do, as long as everyone involved activly wants that.

To make an example:
So its perfectly fine (in my opinion) to fantasy about having sex with a child, but it is not okay to live that fantasy out as a child can't activly want such a thing. Same goes for animals.
I don't think I have to understand or share someone sexual fantasies, but there is no point in judging it.

But when it comes to BDSM.
It is a great thing to learn to accept and enjoy ones sexuality, and as long as you dont hurt yourself (in a non deliberate way) or others with what you do, then I dont think you need to feel guilt.

 

[NCShin]

my advice as someone who is fairly new to DOING, but older in the fantasy.

I'd advise to take things very slowly. Before you have sex, talk to your boyfriend. Maybe start with a very tender, sweet (as you call it) scene. Maybe (and all this depends on what aspects you feel attracted to) you could give a list of things that you'd feel comfortable with to start off.

Maybe that would include, soft restraint, a scarf used to tie you hands above your head, vanilla style slapping during intercourse, maybe you'd get undressed at his request while he's fully clothed, maybe he'd pin you down during sex.

There are a million lighter things that you can do to start out. Some of the stories here on lit are quite heavy. I don't think many people started out with crops and whips, or full on japanese rope bondage. They worked up to that. Everyone needs a comfortable starting point.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

And maybe you won't Ever go for heavier d/s. (Btw, there is a link I found very useful as a newbie, even though it is written from the opposite perspective -- http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html The link shows vanilla women how to find their Inner Domme but along the way, explains the subtler basics of bdsm in a way that is written from and to a female perspective.)
Hell, there are as many way to approach this as there are people. For instance, just to ramble here, I found myself wanting to first tell you that you are 18, which is really still a teenager, even if legal, and that you are Supposed to be confused as a teenager. It's a time for exploring. And kudos to you for figuring out even Part of your personal equation already. Some of us are in our forties and just Starting to figure it out, too.
The next thing I wanted to tell you means asking you a question first. What makes you feel guilty about d/s desires/thoughts? For me it was my feminism. Well, guess what -- I like this stuff and I'm Still a feminist. Don't get what pushes your buttons sexually confused with what you ethically believe. A Domme is not a better feminist than a sub, she just happens to get different sexual buttons pushed. Fantasy is fantasy. In fact one of the reasons I think it works for me is that some part of me thinks it's bad. While I enjoy getting oral sex performed on me, it doesn't seem Bad to me, so isn't part of my fantasy life.
As to how to deal with your boyfriend -- that's why Safe words were invented. Why not have a word you can use if he is going some place (domination) when you wanted sweetness?
And, have you ever considered that maybe you are a switch? (Likes both positions.) Lots to consider here.
Remember this is supposed to be fun. This is your sex life. Play time! No reason to worry about getting it right, or even to Consider a 24 hour lifestyle when you are only just starting and, hopefully, haven't even had much overall sexual experience yet (at your age.) Gosh, I sound like a mom. Well I am. And you, girlfriend, sound like you are taking this Way to seriously. Now that's funny --thats' the sort of thing people have always said to me! Sigh.
You know, maybe all you'll want to do is just fantasize about it. did you enjoy telling your bf your fantasies? If talking about it is fun, stick with that for now? Until you feel compelled thru sheer sexual energy, excitement and exuberance to take it a Little further? Hmm? Well, enough rambling from Mom for now. Take care, hugs, you are doing great -- don't be hard on yourself.

 

[Etoile]

This is going to sound strange, but I think some reading about coming out as gay might be helpful. CafeTerrace's first several sentences - indeed, a lot of the post - read a lot like someone who is struggling with accepting their own homosexual feelings.

http://dmoz.org/Society/Gay,_Lesbian,_and_Bisexual/Coming_Out/

 

[ImmortaleAmante]

I agree with nearly all that has been said, communication is key to it all, talk, research and discuss with your partner and just start of light.

I think you also have to deal with why these fantasies make you feel guilty.

On a personal note, even as a Domme i have had feelings of guilt and confusion to overcome, i had to accept my darker needs and desires which conflict completely with my everyday life, it takes awhile, but the freedom when you accept who you are and what you want is the most fantastic feeling.

I wish you luck.

Amante

 

[littleg~rl]

Hi

I have some advice that may help you.

The replies above are awesome and you need not feel alone.

I would just say to you that you need to be a bit kinder to yourself. Lighten up about it all.

If you sit quietly and think about the partner you have chosen you may well see that he naturally has these dominant qualities that you are attracted to, so if he is into it let him feed his natural feelings of domination and caring (They do go together yes, deep love and trust will emerge).

So you have talked to him about your feelings (good for you), he is a male!! Come on how sexy for him to be told that you want him to treat you like a naughty dirty slut! A dream come true for most of the male population I would have thought.

My message to you is that I have been there, and it is like coming out as gay in the sense that it grows within you like a building storm and in the end you need to be true to yourself or your spirit will be crushed.

Best of luck and wishing you much fun
Stephanie

 

[A's Sweet Baby]

All i can say is that i understand entirely about your feelings of guilt and your own difficult time accepting your desires. I am still working through a lot of that myself and thankfully have found a wonderful man who accepts all parts of me and is encouraging me to explore my needs. I have found that i am much more accepting of other's needs and desires than i am of my own ... but i am getting to understand myself better and this board is a wonderful source of information (and has helped me greatly to see i am not alone).

You have certainly come to the right place. Good luck.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[Lancecastor]

This is going to sound strange, but I think some reading about coming out as gay might be helpful. CafeTerrace's first several sentences - indeed, a lot of the post - read a lot like someone who is struggling with accepting their own homosexual feelings.

I think she sounds quite hetero.

Her post shows the classic desire of a young sub to be trained by an older canadian Dom.

 

[Etoile]

I think she sounds quite hetero.

Read the post you quoted, Lance.

I didn't say she sounded like she was trying to come out as gay. I said her statements sounded analogous to coming out as gay. She's struggling with her confusion, she's trying to understand herself, she's trying to discuss it with someone she loves. Whether it's homosexuality or kink, there are parallels.