A first draft for feedback

[BadForm]

Thinking of using this piece I wrote in a Creative Writing class... would appreciate compliments but even more so would appreciate constructive feedback so I can improve it. Thanks.

Submissive’s Love Song

I’m a picket fence
Decorous with marked, passable
Boundaries

I’m a grey stone wall
Proud and erect, unerring
Protection

I’m a wide porch door
Unlocked and open, always
Yielding

I’m a clean window
Clearly there yet seen through
Revealing

My form is my house
But at my Mistress’s command
I am home

 

[HomerPindar]

Thinking of using this piece I wrote in a Creative Writing class... would appreciate compliments but even more so would appreciate constructive feedback so I can improve it. Thanks.

Submissive’s Love Song

I’m a picket fence
Decorous with marked, passable
Boundaries

I’m a grey stone wall
Proud and erect, unerring
Protection

I’m a wide porch door
Unlocked and open, always
Yielding

I’m a clean window
Clearly there yet seen through
Revealing

My form is my house
But at my Mistress’s command
I am home

The first thing that struck me is the use of "Song" in the title, but upon reading it, I'm not sure I've picked up a beat or meter that makes me think of a song.

HomerPindar

 

[BadForm]

That is a VERY good point, thanks... title, as with rest of the words, subject to change. Now I know it has to be.