a few poems, I would love some feedback

[randyskwerl]

Just a few, all the rest are back in the states. I would love some feedback since I have never really posted any ofmy poems before.

A step in time has shown
A path I should have flown
A way that I disown
The one that could’ve been

If only time could stay
If lonely killed dismay
If silence could repay
The one that should’ve been

next...

In times of need, a man will greed
For a lessened pain of heart
But true the phrase, the end of days
Brings a hastened pain to cart

So in the end, to have a friend
Is a blessed rain of bliss
It is to laugh, it is to love
For that I would dearly miss

next...

Me? have you looked at me?
Why? do you have a good face?
I did, it turned away from me.
You turned away from it.
But me followed me were ever I went.
How do I lose me forever?
You are stuck with me forever.
But I don’t like me sometimes.
Me doesn’t always like me either.
But me needs me to be me.
Me needs you to be you always.
Me? have you forgiven me?
Why? did you forsake me?
I did not want you to see me like me.
But you are how I am.
Me? I am sorry you are how I am.
Well then change me.
But it is hard to change me.
Better to be me than you.
Me I think we have some work to do.
Me is a messy place to be.
But to be me is how I am,
And how we will be is better than where we are.

next...

I am not hard to hold
Hold me with hands of gold
Gold is your love and warmth
Warmth in a smile to give
Give me a chance at life
Life in your eyes so sweet
Sweet is the feel of your hand
Hand in my hand I cling
Cling to me hold on
Hold on I am not hard to grasp
Grasp at dreams and hopes of now
Now I can breathe you in
In time I see your will
Will I see the way to run
Run towards the dream
Dream of a better day than this
This is the way to love
Love the way we should
Should we love they way we did
Did we love the truth of it all
All will fall in place soon

next...

Under the stars of many a plan can form
A spot of light can drift course
A light poor soul, alight poor sole
Get this train on track
Trace the course to him
Lace the curse from him
Under the stairs of many, many of stares
Why must he trudge through the sludge to reach the grass so green

 

[cherries_on_snow]

I like "If lonely killed dismay" and I think you have a good ear, Randy. Your meter is pretty solid. You aren't torturing your verse, and that's good. I also like the way you play with words in the last poem. This shows you have a love of diction: essential for a poet. You may find not many folks here dig form poetry and rhyme, and I understand why: the temptation is to make the verse too hallmarkish--focusing so much on rhyme and rhythm that one misses idea. I think you have some ideas there but I'd work to get rid of anything that seems super cliche (anything you've ever heard before used in an offhand way by people in poetry or otherwise). Boil things down to their essences (I think your pronoun poem makes its point much earlier than the poem ends). Reading many poems and poets is a good way to get more tools to work with. And good luck! keep writing and posting. Noone gets better from sitting on his hands.

 

[xcobrax]

I thought your poems where very good.

 

[randyskwerl]

sweet

I never though I would get feedback so quickly. Thanks cherries on snow. To be honest, you used too many big words like pro-noun and diction...j/k. I tend just to write how it flows. Obviously these things stem from emotional times as would most poetry I'm guessing. I tend to "feel" a poem more when it has form even if it is how the words look on the page and not the rhyme or rhythm. Sometimes the pattern isn't fully realized until a few stanzas?, paragraphs? later, any way. I wish I was back home to get on my computer and get the other poems I wrote some years back.

 

[wildsweetone]

hi randyskwerl and welcome to the poetry forum

i'm not ignoring you, just going to pass on commenting at this point as my main focus is not with rhyming poetry.

except...

I am not hard to hold
Hold me with hands of gold
Gold is your love and warmth
Warmth in a smile to give
Give me a chance at life
Life in your eyes so sweet
Sweet is the feel of your hand
Hand in my hand I cling
Cling to me hold on
Hold on I am not hard to grasp
Grasp at dreams and hopes of now
Now I can breathe you in
In time I see your will
Will I see the way to run
Run towards the dream
Dream of a better day than this
This is the way to love
Love the way we should
Should we love they way we did
Did we love the truth of it all
All will fall in place soon

for some reason i'd like to see this one spaced differently, or perhaps another line added between each you have here. it gives me a feeling of 'too much repetition' when i try to read it like this.

anyhow, i'm sure like cherries_on_snow there will be others who can comment better than i on your poetry.

keep writing and enjoy your stay.