HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on the floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw. Force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the awful taste. Apply Band-aids to spouse's forearmand remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with a dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with a rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour yourself a shot. Drink. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect cuts and scrapes and check date of last Tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek again and toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch a new one from the bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve #$%^@*! cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into the fence while swerving to avoid hitting the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Fetch heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the clinic, sit quietly while the doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shopon the way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring the local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
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A 60 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told him, "you're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up surprised at the doctor and said, "Did I say he WANTED to?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 65 year old man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.
The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on one condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING
The doctor says, "What happened?" To which the man replied, "Nobody showed up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stock Tip
I'm not generally inclined to pass on unproven financial advice. But yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest it to my friends and family that they consider buying stock in
the company. the drug is called "Ginko Viagra" and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BACKWARDS NANCY
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He almost died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on the floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw. Force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the awful taste. Apply Band-aids to spouse's forearmand remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with a dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with a rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour yourself a shot. Drink. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect cuts and scrapes and check date of last Tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek again and toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch a new one from the bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve #$%^@*! cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into the fence while swerving to avoid hitting the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Fetch heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the clinic, sit quietly while the doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shopon the way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring the local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 60 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told him, "you're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up surprised at the doctor and said, "Did I say he WANTED to?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 65 year old man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.
The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on one condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING
The doctor says, "What happened?" To which the man replied, "Nobody showed up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stock Tip
I'm not generally inclined to pass on unproven financial advice. But yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest it to my friends and family that they consider buying stock in
the company. the drug is called "Ginko Viagra" and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BACKWARDS NANCY
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He almost died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
