A Fantasy Comes True - Group Sex - by Sami78

[Sami78]

This is the first story I've posted on here and would love any feedback. Thanks

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=69838&page=1000

Luv Sami78

 

[kristydoll]

Sami,

Congrats on your first story *smiles*

I think with a little more editing and tightening up, you could have a pretty good story here.

In your first two paragraphs, you use repetitive words which makes it read a little hard. Also, I think you could benefit from the usage of a few more periods (I have a personal dislike for lots of run-on sentences).

In the threesome sex scene, I think you could do better by 'showing' the action and adding detail instead of just the 'telling' of it. The imagination is there, now let the reader's really picture it!

My only big comment would be why you added the last paragraph -

In the morning I woke up and they were gone. Had it all been a dream? I got up and went downstairs, still naked. As I walked in the bathroom I glanced in the mirror; my ass was still pink from a hand print. Not a dream, I smiled. Definitely a fantasy come true.

I'm not sure you really needed to add this into your story. And just a side note - in my experience, she would not still see a pink hand print on her butt from the night before - maybe bruising if the swat was forceful enough, but not pinkness still.

Keep writing!

kristy

 

[Sami78]

Thanks! I appreciate the feedback!

In the threesome sex scene, I think you could do better by 'showing' the action and adding detail instead of just the 'telling' of it. The imagination is there, now let the reader's really picture it!

Could you (or someone) explain, or give an example of what you mean by 'showing' the action rather than 'telling' it. I don't quite get what you mean.

Thanks again!