A fanstasy shared a frustration spared?

[Natural Born Eros]

Hi there. I'm still experimenting with finding a style that I really feel comfortable with. I'm not sure whether I've done it yet, but I have posted a second story. I was reading a thread about how different writers plan a story, and lots of people mentioned their own fantasies. This is one of mine...

A Modern Damsel in Distress

I'd love any feedback you might give me. Especially from those of you who were kind enough to read/comment on my previous story.

Cheers,

Eros

 

[PaulX35]

In reply

Hi NBE,

You asked for comments, so here are my impressions of your second story. Seems we are tickling you into a steady pace of publishing stories here, which is good, considering how I liked your first one

You're very good at describing atmosphere. I was there, in the rainy weather and catching the feel of the story. Good first paragraph.

The follow-up was also good, leaving impressions of a somewhat shy, young tutor and a caring student taking the right actions and not asking questions. Very credible.

Then, however, the story suddenly takes unusual turns. And some that I had trouble finding credible. Would a shy woman like she is really spend the night with him, or would she call a friend of her own and take a taxi home? Ok, maybe she would, but from the impression you have created of her so far I would consider adding in some (more) dialogue that would at least show us she has to be talked into it.

Her awakening the day after also created a very different impression. And when she so suddenly invited him to have sex, I was almost losing it, I have to say. That was a weird turn, and it came falling out of the sky for me. Would she be in the emotional state to do this? Is a shy woman like her really the sort of character to do this, even when you paint it as a "forbidden thing"?
Not to me, based on impressions given to me so far. If she'd have a sort of passionate sexual alter ego - which would fit very nicely, by the way - it might work. It might be an idea to consider adding in a concept like this, because the story really needs it to not leave the reader wonder what the heck is going on. Basically, even aspects like sudden forbiddenness require an intrinsic logic within the story to "work", if that makes any sense?

Finally, I would consider more dialogue. The entire sex-scene was without dialogue, and I think you could do wonderful things with the forbidden-aspect in a well-conceived one.
I also think - call it male intuition - that there's a lot more erotic images inside your head than what you seem willing so far to share on paper with us. Don't be reluctant please

Good luck with your writing!

Paul

 

[Natural Born Eros]

Wow, Paul, you must be on this site ALL the time.

Thanks a lot for your feedback - I've taken it all on board. Yeah, I was a bit worried about the sudden jump to her being sexual - it kind of comes from bringing two fantasies together - the protection thing and the sex thing. I didn't really understand what you meant about creating a "sexual alter ego" - I thought that is what I was doing.

I will certainly give some thought to editing the story - if I can make it more credible, I will. Maybe I should wait until I'm a bit more experienced at writing erotica - I've written a lot before, it is the leap to writing about the "ins and outs" (pun intended) of sex that I find difficult. Who knows, perhaps in a year I'll be really inspired...

Cheers, Eros

 

[PaulX35]

Originally posted by Natural Born Eros

Wow, Paul, you must be on this site ALL the time.

Let's say it helps to have a screen in the background during work

I didn't really understand what you meant about creating a "sexual alter ego" - I thought that is what I was doing.

Maybe you were doing that, but it didn't really show enough in the story? A few thoughts of hers maybe?

Who knows, perhaps in a year I'll be really inspired...

Nah, you're faster

Paul

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

NBE, wonderful story you've written. I really enjoyed the way you created an background that I could easily put myself into. I love stories with lots of description and you had that. Well done.
Wicked

My Stories

 

[the_bragis]

Hello

Hello Eros,

Well let me begin by asking - what red blooded, seeing, breathing hetro woman can possibly resist a 'fair maid is rescued by gallant knight' type story? I know I can never get enough of them. It's a tried and true formula is ever there was one. This modern day version of yours is no different, it's very appealing.

It's a nice easy read too. I rather enjoy this 'conversational' type of writing. You have made good use of quirky fun lines like. I’m not sure she knew precisely who I was, but she knew she knew me, if you follow. and Coming out with this soap-opera schmaltz, and acting as though I had a coherent plan. And I like those. It makes me, reader, feel like you talking directly to me. Almost like - Mmm... two people enjoying a cup of tea and a chat.


This what else I noted as I read your story:

not only had I come across someone hiding in the bushes, at night in November, but I recognised her.

'in November', seemed superfluous to me.

Looking back, it was a surprise that I noticed her.

I think it should be "Looking back, I was surprised that I noticed her. I am certain if I am wrong, someone here will correct me.

Stick those on and get into bed. I’m going to go and make you some cocoa

Cocoa? But you promised her a cup of tea, and you said yourself the English think a cuppa is the the solution to everything.

She ate and drank hungrily, and I watched in silence as the colour returned to her cheeks.

You have this mixed up. I think it should read, She drank and ate hungrily. Oh and good one Eros, a last someone here who knows how to spell 'colour'.

We lay back together, a final few moments together before the university reabsorbed us, and life continued as before.

I think I understand what your meant by 'before the university reabsorbed us', but It read oddly to me.

Overall, reading you story I guess I found it difficult to accept your tutor would go with you to your home, when surely her's would be near by also. You portrayed her very shy and mousey too, which makes it seem odd for her to not only go home with you when she bearly knows you, but then seduce you the next morning. (Lucky you) I think it can work, but it needs a little bit of back story. Did she secretly desire this sweet young man attending her lectures, is that why she was so willing? Perhaps she only dresses in that dowdy manner for school, maybe it's all just a front for the sexy vixen she is underneath. As it now, it just doesn't really add up for me.

She must have seen my concern, because she spoke suddenly, startling me slightly.

Now, my last bit of nit picking is the number of adverbs you have used. Eros, this is hot little story, but it's weakened by too many adverbs. Adverbs just don't have the same impact as a fuller description. Here's two in one sentence. Drop the adverbs and try something like this:

She must have seen my concern, because she blurted her words out, causing me to blink in surprise. Ok, that's not so hot either, but you get the idea don't you?


I was little confused by the ending, but it would be unfair to discuss it in this forum, where many people may read this before reading your story. So I will just say, it surprised me a little.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem).