A crossroads

[CptrdRose]

A little about me. Last year I had about 6 months of BDSM play. I loved every moment of it. It felt right, I felt complete, it just felt like I'd found a part of myself. Circumstances forced myself and my playmate to part ways. It's been 9 months since that happened, and in that time I haven't played, in fact I thought that if I ignored that part of my life, it would just go away. But recently I had a chance to play again, in fact it was with my old playmate. It was amazing, I felt like I used to nine months ago. But in that time I also realized that this part of my life was over, at least with her. But I think I also realized that I can't ignore this part of me, that it is part of who I am and if I try to deny it, I'm denying part of myself.

I miss it. I miss the place she takes me to. I miss how she can calm me with a single word or a single touch. I miss how our scenes challenge me and just meet this craving deep inside me that I can't even put words to right now. I want to see if someone else can do that for me. That would give me hope that I haven't lost some part of myself, but only that I have to seek out someone else who can do these things with me.

I'm posting this here to see if anyone has any comments. It's good to hear other perspectives and get other people's ideas...they help to get a good picture of things and how to proceed, and sometimes it can help you think of things you couldn't think of alone.

Ah yes, I forgot to say that I'm a female, submissive, and bi.

 

[Vixandra]

First of all- welcome to Lit and the BDSM boards (haven't seen you before).

Now, to the matter at hand- have you tried looking for local BDSM groups/munches? Or signed up one of the myrid number of "looking for..." sites on the net?
www.collarme.com looks pretty good.

If you just want someone to talk to, a lot of us here at Lit on both sides of the paddle would be more then happy to listen.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Take a look at the thread links in this library topic as well.

Click me.

Feel free to pick up the conversation in any of them, or direct a question to a poster if you want more information on what the poster might have said.

Enjoy your swim.

 

[CptrdRose]

Thank you for your replies and suggestions. I'll check into the sites. (and yes, I'm also bumping my post)

 

[DVS]

You may be surprised with the number of people who never understand their inner sexual selves and so never find that they love to dominate or submit to others.

Some find out by mistake, while others happen to read about it and then want to experiment. Some live within a wall of shyness, never able to speak of their wants and desires to another.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones, knowing what I liked, from the beginning. Of course, I was confused until I read a story in Penthouse or something where the character's actions obviously piqued my interest. From then on, I understood, and I couldn't read enough. It was like I had found myself, or at least found a label for how I felt.

I did say I was one of the lucky ones, in knowing for most of my life what I enjoyed. But, that can also be a lonely life, if you are the only one you know who is aware. Being first on your block to know certain things isn't always cool, especially in a small town.

But, you are learning things about yourself that can only enhance your sexual enjoyment from now on. While the search for someone compatible with what you like can be slow and sometimes less than fun, when you find a partner it can be quite special. The interaction you share seems to ignite a fire deep inside that is so overpowering I sometimes still wonder where it comes from.

I wonder if vanilla love is anything like that feeling. I've never experienced straight sex with such a high as I get from BDSM play. Maybe it's because I've always known. I don't know. I just know I could never deny that part of me in any way.

It's me, in every sexual sense. I could never be happy in a vanilla relationship. I would always want that something that's missing. And, I'm not saying that because I've always known what I want in sex. I'm sure there are relationships and marriages failing every day because one of the couple is missing that special something.

They don't know what it is, but they know they aren't getting it. They don't understand it themselves, so how could they explain it to their partner? And, if only they would talk it out and maybe experiment a little, they both might learn a little about themselves.

The sexual mind is kinky. I think we are all kinky, if we let ourselves just go with the flow. But, there is a stigma that surrounds the bedroom. Even if some couples do get kinky, they don't dare talk about it with their closest friends for fear of some form of ridicule.

Maybe people condemn things they are afraid of or things they know nothing about to appear superior or "normal". It's just something society tends to do. Because of this, many don't even attempt it in the first place, living their life in an unhappy marriage or maybe thinking they are the only one who thinks as they do.

Stealing a phrase from Fox Mulder of the X-Files and twisting it to work here, "The truth is out there..." Experiment with sex. There are a lot of different avenues to explore.

 

[CptrdRose]

I agree with your post. Especially about things being hard in a smallish town. That's where I am, a small and quite conservative town. I'm sure there are others like me around, they just have to be very quiet about things.

 

[CptrdRose]

Bumpity-bump.