entitled
the quiet one
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2002
- Posts
- 17,813
> 3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is
> stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the
> business ethic for all times.
>
> 2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx
> becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.
>
> 1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've
> finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless
> pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
>
> 1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is
> introduced by Babylonian scientists.
>
> 1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins
> in June.
>
> 776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately
> causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the
> next day.
>
> 404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now
> because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell
> Peloponnesian.
>
> 214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build
> the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still
> doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
>
> 1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement
> over what to call next year.
>
> 79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy
> real estate investment.
>
> 432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving
> the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of
their
> recorded history.
>
> 1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth
> mentioning.
>
> 1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to
> solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do
> you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
>
> 1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her
> death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
>
> 1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the
> Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who
> live there Indians.
>
> 1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine
> Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
>
> 1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan
> made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
>
> 1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible
> kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the
> Terrible.
>
> 1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist
> to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
>
> 1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter
> Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
>
> 1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the
> golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
>
> 1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian
> reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby
> living conditions they can expect from here on out.
>
> 1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both
> lost.
>
> 1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off
> the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be
> considered just about average for a Saturday Night.
>
> 1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to
> fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his
> ship is sinking.
>
> 1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie
> Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever
> said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
>
> 1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to
> learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear
> Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
>
> 1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
>
> 1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow
> up with his torpedo.
>
> 1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the
> Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the
letter
> telling him the War of 1812 is over.
>
> 1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide,
> proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so
> meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
>
> 1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president,"
> which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president
> five times without winning.
>
> 1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same
> general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much
> money.
>
> 1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war:
> getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
>
> 1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody
> likes it except the movie critics.
>
> 1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers
> from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner
> than most of them want to get there.
>
> 1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to
> old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
>
> 1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's
> suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
>
> 1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after
> convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause
> any more trouble.
>
> 1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, the planet. The dog
> wasn't discovered until 1938.
>
> 1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough
> headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
>
> 1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting
> all possibility of WWII.
>
> 1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as
> they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as
> he had hoped.
> stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the
> business ethic for all times.
>
> 2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx
> becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.
>
> 1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've
> finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless
> pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
>
> 1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is
> introduced by Babylonian scientists.
>
> 1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins
> in June.
>
> 776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately
> causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the
> next day.
>
> 404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now
> because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell
> Peloponnesian.
>
> 214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build
> the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still
> doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
>
> 1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement
> over what to call next year.
>
> 79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy
> real estate investment.
>
> 432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving
> the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of
their
> recorded history.
>
> 1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth
> mentioning.
>
> 1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to
> solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do
> you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
>
> 1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her
> death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
>
> 1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the
> Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who
> live there Indians.
>
> 1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine
> Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
>
> 1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan
> made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
>
> 1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible
> kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the
> Terrible.
>
> 1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist
> to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
>
> 1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter
> Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
>
> 1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the
> golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
>
> 1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian
> reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby
> living conditions they can expect from here on out.
>
> 1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both
> lost.
>
> 1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off
> the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be
> considered just about average for a Saturday Night.
>
> 1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to
> fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his
> ship is sinking.
>
> 1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie
> Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever
> said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
>
> 1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to
> learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear
> Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
>
> 1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
>
> 1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow
> up with his torpedo.
>
> 1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the
> Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the
letter
> telling him the War of 1812 is over.
>
> 1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide,
> proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so
> meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
>
> 1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president,"
> which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president
> five times without winning.
>
> 1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same
> general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much
> money.
>
> 1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war:
> getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
>
> 1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody
> likes it except the movie critics.
>
> 1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers
> from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner
> than most of them want to get there.
>
> 1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to
> old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
>
> 1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's
> suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
>
> 1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after
> convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause
> any more trouble.
>
> 1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, the planet. The dog
> wasn't discovered until 1938.
>
> 1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough
> headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
>
> 1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting
> all possibility of WWII.
>
> 1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as
> they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as
> he had hoped.
.
