A boyfriend/relationship vs BDSM question

[fieryjen]

I have a question for you guys, or at least those who have some experience in this matter...

I decided quite a while ago that BDSM is something I would like to explore and experience, however, things have gone very slow. I have learned what I can about the subject, and I told my boyfriend, who was reluctant, although curious to try some of the things I suggested.

Now the problem is, we figured out quickly that he is just not Dom material. I love him a ton, but this is something he's just not interested in. I'm not going to make him. However, he also noticed about a month ago that my interest in BDSM isn't just something passing. After much consideration and questions, he has now told me that he would be okay with it if I tried to find a Dom, so I could live out that part of me while still maintaining our relationship.

He seems serious about it, and I feel that he has considered it very carefully, but I was wondering if I could get some input as to whether this is generally a good idea. We've had a very solid, good relationship so far, and I don't want to jeopardize it. So: Can this work? Are there things I need to know? Is there anything I / we can do to make it work?

He has also told me that, if I decide to take him up on this, he would not have any interest in meeting any Dom I might have. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Any input is much appreciated. Thanks a lot.

 

[SexyNastyDom]

I have personal experience with training married submissives as well as submissives with a (SO) significant other...

...everyone's experience is unique... I will share Mine...

with the exception of one (out of five), all the submissives 'submissive side' was so well nourished, they craved more and more control and training, to the point where they did not want to be with their husband/SO any longer... they needed to be the submissives they dreamed of being - they could not just shut that side out.

So, often times, in My experience, be prepared to NOT do this or be prepared to leave your current man.

THIS IS ONLY FROM MY EXPERIENCE and it may work for you... good luck and keep us posted!

SexyNastyDom

 

[SexyNastyDom]

Let Me add...

...IF it is to work, you guys must have SERIOUS communication about this stuff... its going to be hard if he doesnt want to hear about it and then you had this amazing experience and cant tell him... think about that too

peace

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have to agree with SexyNastyDom....if you find it is all you hoped for and then some (which in my experience it is), it becomes almost impossible to maintain both relationships authentically and inevitably all involved are hurt at some level. His not wanting to know of or meet the person you will be involved with also rings alarm bells in that he is aiming at living in a state of denial and pretending nothing is happening which bottom line does not sound like someone who is happy with the decision. Another aspect to consider is if you aim to be a submissive, how do you manage when the demand and/or orders of your Dominant clash with your plans with your SO? It is not usually a very real experience if you are forever saying 'can't do that as we already have plans to go to dinner' etc., as you then become the one in control and both men are waiting for you to say what is OK and when. Think carefully about what you want before changing anything would be my advice.

Catalina

 

[Stegral]

my 2 cents.

A "friend" of mine suggested a book called " screw the roses, give me the thorns" (By Miller & Devon I think) it is an awesome intro book as I was not willing/ready to Dom my S/O (& am still having a hard time with it as I have been a subconcious sub all my life) the book may help you both talk better & possibly close the gaps that you seem to have about this...I know the book has closed ours & I was & still am really "vanilla", but coming about to the fun this could bring into our relationship...

Then again I am severly jealous & could not imagine my S/O having fun/pleasure with someone else.....Unless it was discussed a great deal & we both came to an agreement that was on a time by time thing...

 

[fieryjen]

Thank you, everyone who took the time to answer. I appreciate it very much.

I'm aware now that we are going to have to discuss this quite a bit more before any kind of decision is reached. I'll keep the concerns you voiced in mind. I'm just hoping things will work out in the end...

*sigh* No one ever said it would be easy, right?

 

[HL55]

It Can Work....

fieryjen, I have been in the D/s BDSM lifestyle for many yrs and have known of many in the same situation u are in... Not all can have their cake and eat it too, yet many do and having the ability to comunicate with your SO on this topic helps immensely... That said there are a number of online groups I have known and belonged to for yrs, (yes I also know the principals in r/l) with large member lists that can offer advice from those who have had your exact dilema, as well as provide a safe learning environment too... It begins as you have discovered, by learning as much as you can re your self and your needs wants desires, and not having his active participation his willingness to let u explore within limits set by both of you, assuming you both desire to maintain your current relationship together...... not easy yet can be done tho you may find as you expand your knowledge an experience that you will grow apart, being realistic here an honest in re what I have known and experienced... The book mentioned above is a good one others are available as well many are found in the gay community ie leather, but are intended for all jsut need to amend the genders in your head as u read.... please feel free to PM or email if I canhelp in any way an best of luck to both of you
HL

 

[catalina_francisco]

You might also be wise to read Online safety; Tigers in the internet zoo before placing trust in anonymous online contacts, no matter how helpful or friendly they may at first seem.

Catalina

 

[fieryjen]

You might also be wise to read Online safety; Tigers in the internet zoo before placing trust in anonymous online contacts, no matter how helpful or friendly they may at first seem.

Catalina

I already have. Thanks very much for your concern though

 

[catalina_francisco]

I already have. Thanks very much for your concern though

YW

Catalinahttp://home.scarlet.be/~cl898452/index/cats/killer1.gif

 

[HL55]

Some Sites that may help....

jen here are some of the groups I mentioned earlier ...

Dominant Thorns and submissive roses
BDSM- Debunking the Myths
LivingtheLifestylebyfeather
DomsubToThineOwnSelfBeTrueRL

and finally tho it is a siggy group etc the owner has an extensive library some of her own work more by others many are published authors an knonw presenters whom she has met over the yrs at various functions an gatherings. Gina is a sub who has been around for decades an not sure where her library resides these days yet she will glaldy direct you to the repositories that contain anything you might wish to read
Gina's Backgrounds and Borders to Share
this should afford u plenty of annonimity lasss an can be doubly ensured by merely creating a email acct solely for your own exploration an learning
Hope this helps an good luck
pax
HL
Safe Sane & Consensual always