woody54
Liberal critic Downunder
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2002
- Posts
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Reprinted from The Poorman blog
http://www.thepoorman.net/archives/002789.html
Poker With Dick Cheney
Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.
The Editors: We'll take three cards.
Dick Cheney: Give me one.
Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand. Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars.
TE: Fifty bucks.
DC: I'm in. Show 'em.
TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.
DC: Not good enough.
TE: What do you have?
DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.
TE: Can you show us your cards?
DC: Sure. One of them's a six.
TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.
Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.
Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.
TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.
Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because the six of clubs is black?
Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing ...
TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?
DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed.
TE: We aren't sure ...
DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.
Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.
TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.
Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...
TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.
Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.
Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.
Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.
TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".
Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world.
Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?
Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ...
Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.
William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?
Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.
Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?
Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".
DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.
George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would drink a beer with you.
Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.
DC: My deal.
Posted by The Editors at June 20, 2004
COMMENTS
When WMD turn up, the shoe is going to be on the other foot for you.
And when magic pixies with frickin' lasers on their heads show up, we'll all be able to fly if we just think happy thoughts. And we will laugh at the walkin' fibbletses, be they shod or not.
Posted by: apostropher at June 20, 2004 08:38 PM
I was playing poker last week with ashcroft. He had two pair and I had four kings. I thought I had him beat. When I showed him my cards, he siezed them and classified them as enemy combatants, Thus my cards lost their rights and were not subject to the rules of poker convention.
Posted by: sharky big money at June 20, 2004 10:00 PM
you forgot to mention that another player had control of the missing nine (zarqawi), but the mere existance of this card at the same table (though not in a territory of the table controlled directly by dick) implies that dick, did in fact, have a direct connection to this nine, thus, it could easily be in his hand just the same.
Posted by: prozacula at June 21, 2004 12:05 PM
Cheney should submit to a royal flush test. That is, let's flush him royally and see if he still floats.
Dick had a 5-6-7-8-10... Ah, yes.
I see your mistake. Tens are wild, in this case.
The veep WOULD have told you this, but he had access to rules that you didn't (and he was not at liberty to share with you; the rules were written by friends of the veep's from Texas... but he can't tell you who they are either...)
As such, the 9-high straight clearly beat the Editors' paltry two pairs. Arguing to the contrary is what the terrorists want you to do. I think I've got to question your patriotism here, for questioning the veep's veracity. If the veep tells us something-- it gets reported as true-- just because he said it.
Sorry, TE-- but that's the way the game is now played. [Given what Dick Cheney has done and can do with a straight face, your decision to PLAY POKER WITH HIM leads me to believe that we may need to modify your therapy.]
Posted by: the talking dog at June 21, 2004 03:37 PM
Aaaarghhh! I didn't make an Andy Card joke!
Why can't I hit the easy ones?
Posted by: The Editors at June 21, 2004 09:02 PM
I always said Cheney was not playing with a full deck.
Posted by: Barney Mac. at June 22, 2004 02:05 PM
And on a related note...
Posted by: Beast of Bourbon at June 22, 2004 03:24 PM
Why all the arguing over *rules* and *winning* and what actual *cards* anyone has? Toss it to SCOTUS - they'll tell you who wins.
Posted by: guppy at June 22, 2004 03:29 PM
"Too much hatred emanating from liberals. None of them want to merely find a solution to the worlds' problems. They spend all their time and energy on hatred and futile attempts at being witty."
-Voop
Yes, you're quite right! We liberals are far too hateful. Why can't we be more like Rush, Hannity, Coulter, and all those other nice people? I guess grouping my political beliefs with terrorism and despotism in the same book title is a compliment! I suppose we spend all our time hating, like hating people who cut down the last remaining trees in our country, and people who clearly defy the first amendment by giving money to solely christian organizations.
You complete idiot. How many liberals have a full-time job bashing republicans? How many liberals have proposed the destruction of nature for CEOs' profits? Learn to think before you speak, open your mind and read!
Posted by: at July 12, 2004 09:22 PM
The following is how the transcript Should have ended ... based on statements lifted nearly intact from an AP story.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The commission, which reported no such hand, said that Vice President had no more information than commission investigators to support his later assertions to the contrary.
Cheney spokesman Kevin Kellems denied any conflict between the commission's finding of no such hand and the vice president's position. He described Cheney as being "pleased" about the commission's statement and said the message "put to rest a non-story."
DC: My deal.
http://www.thepoorman.net/archives/002789.html
Poker With Dick Cheney
Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.
The Editors: We'll take three cards.
Dick Cheney: Give me one.
Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand. Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars.
TE: Fifty bucks.
DC: I'm in. Show 'em.
TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.
DC: Not good enough.
TE: What do you have?
DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.
TE: Can you show us your cards?
DC: Sure. One of them's a six.
TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.
Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.
Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.
TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.
Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because the six of clubs is black?
Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing ...
TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?
DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed.
TE: We aren't sure ...
DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.
Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.
TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.
Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...
TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.
Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.
Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.
Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.
TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".
Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world.
Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?
Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ...
Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.
William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?
Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.
Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?
Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".
DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.
George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would drink a beer with you.
Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.
DC: My deal.
Posted by The Editors at June 20, 2004
COMMENTS
When WMD turn up, the shoe is going to be on the other foot for you.
And when magic pixies with frickin' lasers on their heads show up, we'll all be able to fly if we just think happy thoughts. And we will laugh at the walkin' fibbletses, be they shod or not.
Posted by: apostropher at June 20, 2004 08:38 PM
I was playing poker last week with ashcroft. He had two pair and I had four kings. I thought I had him beat. When I showed him my cards, he siezed them and classified them as enemy combatants, Thus my cards lost their rights and were not subject to the rules of poker convention.
Posted by: sharky big money at June 20, 2004 10:00 PM
you forgot to mention that another player had control of the missing nine (zarqawi), but the mere existance of this card at the same table (though not in a territory of the table controlled directly by dick) implies that dick, did in fact, have a direct connection to this nine, thus, it could easily be in his hand just the same.
Posted by: prozacula at June 21, 2004 12:05 PM
Cheney should submit to a royal flush test. That is, let's flush him royally and see if he still floats.
Dick had a 5-6-7-8-10... Ah, yes.
I see your mistake. Tens are wild, in this case.
The veep WOULD have told you this, but he had access to rules that you didn't (and he was not at liberty to share with you; the rules were written by friends of the veep's from Texas... but he can't tell you who they are either...)
As such, the 9-high straight clearly beat the Editors' paltry two pairs. Arguing to the contrary is what the terrorists want you to do. I think I've got to question your patriotism here, for questioning the veep's veracity. If the veep tells us something-- it gets reported as true-- just because he said it.
Sorry, TE-- but that's the way the game is now played. [Given what Dick Cheney has done and can do with a straight face, your decision to PLAY POKER WITH HIM leads me to believe that we may need to modify your therapy.]
Posted by: the talking dog at June 21, 2004 03:37 PM
Aaaarghhh! I didn't make an Andy Card joke!
Why can't I hit the easy ones?
Posted by: The Editors at June 21, 2004 09:02 PM
I always said Cheney was not playing with a full deck.
Posted by: Barney Mac. at June 22, 2004 02:05 PM
And on a related note...
Posted by: Beast of Bourbon at June 22, 2004 03:24 PM
Why all the arguing over *rules* and *winning* and what actual *cards* anyone has? Toss it to SCOTUS - they'll tell you who wins.
Posted by: guppy at June 22, 2004 03:29 PM
"Too much hatred emanating from liberals. None of them want to merely find a solution to the worlds' problems. They spend all their time and energy on hatred and futile attempts at being witty."
-Voop
Yes, you're quite right! We liberals are far too hateful. Why can't we be more like Rush, Hannity, Coulter, and all those other nice people? I guess grouping my political beliefs with terrorism and despotism in the same book title is a compliment! I suppose we spend all our time hating, like hating people who cut down the last remaining trees in our country, and people who clearly defy the first amendment by giving money to solely christian organizations.
You complete idiot. How many liberals have a full-time job bashing republicans? How many liberals have proposed the destruction of nature for CEOs' profits? Learn to think before you speak, open your mind and read!
Posted by: at July 12, 2004 09:22 PM
The following is how the transcript Should have ended ... based on statements lifted nearly intact from an AP story.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The commission, which reported no such hand, said that Vice President had no more information than commission investigators to support his later assertions to the contrary.
Cheney spokesman Kevin Kellems denied any conflict between the commission's finding of no such hand and the vice president's position. He described Cheney as being "pleased" about the commission's statement and said the message "put to rest a non-story."
DC: My deal.
