9-20-02 I think-- Street0

[KillerMuffin]

Please note! This author has included two links in his request. I left them both in since they are linked and some may be interested in reading. However, we should endeavor to confine our commentary to the first link only. Some of us don't have the time or the stamina to get into more than one story.

Thanks!

I know that I still need to participate in a second discussion. That is being worked on.

The two stories below are my first attempts at writing erotica. They are set in the same (Star Trek-like) universe, but have independent subplots and can be read in any order. I am not much of a Trekkie, but the general concepts are familiar to even the people and I can reach a much wider audience with it than with good sci-fi. The current rating of the second one (4.80) comes close to satisfying me.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53056
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53058

1) Obviously, are there any grammatical errors? I am especially interested in the more obscure kinds.

2) Does my mixture of UKian and USian English annoy anyone?

3) Would you prefer to see more plot development or longer sex scenes in the purely hypothetical follow-ups?

4) Is my characterisation sufficient? Are there any cause-and-effect inconsistencies?

5) Finally, are there any esoteric anatomical problems in my prose?

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Street0,

Here’s the good stuff. Your story was, IMHO, imaginative, fast paced, and amusing.

Now comes the bad stuff. There’s a lot of small mistakes and some confusing passages which a good re-write should correct. You might also watch out for name changes for Swa Lo, what the narrator calls the captain then re-arrange a few paragraphs, and clarify a few directions.

IMHO, your characteizations were a little skimpy, but this was a spoof. However, more character and plot developement might produce a better read-as would at least one detailed sex scene.

My comments are in CAPS. When there are two or more straight paragraphs with no input, I've used ( -- ) to indicate where they were located.

Hope you give us some more.

Rumple Foreskin

---


Captain Jamie T. Clit leaned back in her luxurious captain's chair and waited as the scans of this ( THE) star system were being done. She crossed and uncrossed her bare legs and pulled down on her shirt. The current Slut Fleet uniform was a casual one that specified a small sweater and nakedness from the midriff down save for a leather tool belt and a pair of boots. (IN SENTENCE TWO SHE’S WEARING A SHIRT BUT THE NEXT SENTENCE SAYS A SMALL SWEATER IS PART OF THE SPECIFIED UNIFORM.)

"Captain," cried out (THAT’S PROBABLY NOT THE BEST DIALOGUE TAG YOU COULD USE) Suck, her (TECH NOTE: COMMON USAGE IS FOR SHIP’S, NOT CAPTAIN’S, TO HAVE FIRST OFFICERS) Vulvan First Officer, "The planet is an idyllic Earth-like planet, but the scans have not detected any intelligent life forms. However, we are reading some strange energy signatures in the crust."

--

"Captain," First Officer Suck continued unperturbed, "these two in red uniforms are Ensign Spitz and Ensign Swa Lo. They are in Engineering and (PERIOD) Chief Engineer Horny wishes that they (WANTS THEM TO?) obtain some real world experience."

"I can see that. Charmed," said the captain. Slut Fleet instilled discipline among its ensigns by requiring them to shave their pubic hair. This was more or less visible in the current uniform.

Jamie shook her head. Her short and curvy hair, being attached to her head, followed its movements up and down. (“SHOOK” WOULD BE A SIDE-TO-SIDE MOTION SO THE HAIR WOULD MOVE THAT WAY, NOT UP AND DOWN) (ALSO, YOU NEED TO SETTLE ON WHAT THE NARRATOR WILL CALL “Captain Jamie T. Clit” IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH SHE’S “THE CAPTAIN” IN THIS ONE SHE’S “JAMIE.”

"We are going to split into three parties. Suck, you and Ensign Spitz will go on in that direction. It looks as if there is a lake there; that might help your scans.

Jamie T. Clit took a deep breath and looked around the green field once again. (THE SOUND OF) Thunder rolled somewhere even though the sky was cloudless and appeared especially clear.

"Boner, you and... Was it Wah Low?"

"Swa Lo, Captain," corrected the Ensign.

"Boner, you and Ensign Swa Lo will go in the opposite direction. Myself, I will survey this particular spot. We will all rendezvous here in two hours."

"Aye aye, Captain," the Ensign saluted sharply.

"And Boner?" said the Captain.

"Jamie?"

"At ease, man. Seriously."

Jamie pulled down on her sweater making her hemline almost reach down to her navel, but it pulled itself back up again. The three parties set out for their respective objectives. (THE LAST FEW PARAGRAPHS CONFUSED ME. ALSO, BONER IS THE RANKING OFFICER AND WOULD REPLY TO THE ORDER, NOT “SWA LO”.)

***

"Have you been in Slut Fleet long, Doctor?" asked Ensign Swallow. (CHANGE IN SPELLING) She was in the vanguard, so she turned her pony tailed head to look at her superior officer.

Doctor Boner made no reply. He was focusing on Ensign Swallow's well-tanned ass and the way it swayed as she bounded forward in (WITH?) the strides (STRIDE) of a (AN EXCITED) redshirt on her first away mission.

"Doctor Boner?" repeated Swallow.

"Oh, yes. I've served for ten years on various ships. My first one was HMS (HIS/HER MAJESTY’S SHIP?) Penetration captained by Stud Archer himself. I was only assigned to HMS Enterass last year," droned off (OMIT “OFF”) Boner.

"Well, HMS Enterass is my first ship," said the redshirt excitedly. "I am, like, so intimidated. The ships I served on at the academy were much older and smaller than these. (THE ENTERASS) Anyways, these woods remind me of the ones around my grandfather's farm. I once went camping and was bitten by these mosquitoes and, like, totally swelled up. I am, like, so allergic to their bites."

"Hmm? Indeed," said the still preoccupied Doctor.

"I sure am glad there are no mosquitoes here. I can just imagine how horrible I'd look the next time I show up for duty if I got bitten," prattled off Swallow as an ominous buzz arose around them.

A black insectoid cloud converged on Swallow and ignored her best efforts to push it away with her hands. The bugs stung her long legs, her flat stomach, her smooth back, and her rounded ass. The tunic offered some protection, but a few of the mosquitoes managed to get past it. Boner tried his best to help the redshirt, but his slaps on her ass did nothing but redden it further. A mosquito flew up Swillow's nose and she began sneezing like crazy. (OMIT “LIKE CRAZY” UNLESS SHE COULD SNEEZE “LIKE SANE”)

The doctor kind-heartedly circled her (AND WAS) trying to clear the bugs from both her ass and her pubic region when Swa Lo (BACK TO ORIGINAL SPELLING) sneezed on him. The cloud withdrew as quickly as it came, leaving the poor ensign sneezing and covered in a milliard (THAT’S A GOOD BRIT TERM BUT MOST YANKS WOULD BE HITTING THE DICTIONARY) of tingling bites. Boner brushed off (OMIT THIS “OFF”) some mucus off his shirt.

Suddenly, a giant translucent monster akin to an amoeba materialised before the perplexed pair. It extended its pseudopods and approached at an unexpectedly brisk pace. Boner managed to run a couple metres to the side, but the still-dazed ensign was engulfed by the now transparent bacterium. He watched in horror as the equally surprised creature tried to osmose Ensign Swa Lo.

The Ensign was engulfed up to her breasts in the rubbery skin of the amoeba when it began extending tendrils into her orifices. It pushed hard into her pussy, her ass, and even made a lacklustre attempt to penetrate her in the navel. (GOOD LINE)

A few moans escaped Swa Lo's lips as the walls of the tendrils began to vibrate in a desperate attempt to absorb her, the (I’D SUGGEST CHANGING “HER, THE” TO “THIS”) seemingly indigestible object. Swa Lo began panting and not just because the creature was obstructing her breathing. (THOUGHT IT WAS JUST UP TO HER BREASTS) The shaking tendrils in her pussy brought her to a climax just as Boner shook the blank expression from his face and unclipped a hazer from his tool belt.

He shot the creature not a moment too soon - it was about to cover Swallow's face. Fifteen seconds of continuous fire made its cellular walls disintegrate and the cytoplasm followed the laws of gravity to the ground with an enormous splash. With the amoeba – (its own shock (FEELINGS?) unknown to the two humans - ?)- sent to peaceful oblivion, all seemed almost well.

"Damn! This monster goo has made my tunic transparent. I hope nothing happens to my hair..." (USE A PERIOD, NOT AN ELLIPSIS) swore the Ensign and (CHANGE “AND” TO “AS SHE) tried to dry herself doggy style. (DS IS A POSITION, NOT A WAY TO DRY. GRANTED, THIS IS MEANT TO BE A FARCE, BUT WHY WOULD EVEN AN AIR HEAD VALLEY GIRL GET IN THAT POSITION TO DRY HERSELF-UNLESS HER HAIR WAS ALSO WET AND SLIMY AND SHE WAS TRYING TO SHAKE THE STUFF OUT.) Boner walked up and helped her dry her back. Out of curiosity, he gathered some of the goo onto his finger and tasted it.

"By Jim! This tastes very good," he exclaimed. "Taste it," he then said, unintentionally phrasing it as order.

Boner gathered some more of the goo from her back with his hand and moved it towards the Ensigns mouth. Instead of taking it off his hand, (WITH HER FINGERS) Swillow (THIRD SPELLING) licked it off and looked at him expectantly. The Ensign slurped up the next load (WHAT NEXT LOAD-NEED A TRANSITION) all up and smiled.

"Drying isn't the only thing one can do doggy style," said the doctor in an unneeded attempt to be witty and (THEN BEGAN TO LICK) licked off goo all the way down her backbone. When he reached her butt crack, he straightened and pushed his proverbial boner into her welcoming cunt as she arched her back and began moaning once again.

***

Jamie Clit thought idly about the rendezvous scans and made intermittent follow-up scans of the area. Nothing interesting showed up, so she let her thoughts wonder elsewhere. The particular place to which her thoughts were drawn was the current conflict between the United Federation of Orgies and the Hardon Empire.

Having nothing to do, her limbs unconsciously practised the defensive manoeuvres taught at the Slut Fleet Academy. About to make another scan, she became aware of this and consciously stopped the waste of energy. (NEW PARAGRAPH) A serious (SERIES) of grunts and boasts in (THE) Hardon (LANGUAGE) issued from the bushes to her left.

A Hardon warrior in full battle armour walked out of the bushes in front of her. Another one joined his comrade in the clearing behind her.

"Q'apla, Federation bitch. I am Bash'tard son of Big'tard!" hollerred the one in front. "There is no challenge in killing you. You force us to fuck you beforehand in order to derive just a little pleasure from this!" (FROM WHAT?)

Bash'tard strode up to Jamie as her hands assumed a defensive position and were directed with great force at his chin. The Hardon behind her swung the balance back in their favour by pinning her arms and only grinned more when she swung the back of her skull against the rippled front of his (WHAT, CHIN, FACE, HEAD, CHEST?).

"You will pay for that, Federation bitch," he (WHO, BASH’TARD OR HIS BUDDY?) said and twisted Jamie's nipples through the uniform. "Bah, your nipples aren't even pierced. No self-respecting Hardon has unpierced nipples past the age of twelve," ranted Bash'tard while the captain winced.

With his comrade holding Jamie by the waist and pinning her arms (TOUGH TO DO WITH JUST TWO ARMS-TRY IT), Bash ripped off her weaponry belt. He then grabbed (BEHIND) her knees and spread her legs. After unstrapping his codpiece, he pulled out and stroked his nine-inch Hardon cock.

Being satisfied that the "Federation bitch" was duly impressed and/or horrified, he rammed it in. Jamie's pussy walls were over-stimulated by Bash's penis ridges and her face went through a thousand expressions in a blink of an eye.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaoh," cried Jamie.

"Aooooooooooow," was what she followed up with when Bash's Hardon companion penetrated her ass with a ridged hard-on comparable to Bash's in size. (I LIKE THE COMMENTS ON HER VOCABULARY. YOU MIGHT STRETCH THIS OUT A BIT BY DESCRIBING BODY MOTION AND/OR FACIAL CONTORTIONS)

--

The rocky patch they were in (ON) yielded no answers, but it seemed that the planet (HAD) just turned a lot colder. Or so thought Suck's already-pointed Vulvan nipples. Ominous cumulonimbus clouds gathered in the distance.

They walked to the next scanning point and Spitz, unperturbed by the clouds, giggled again.

"Are you sure nothing's the matter, Ensign?"

"Nothing at all, First Officer," answered Spitz deferentially.

"M'am? (MA’AM?) What's wrong?" she asked a moment later. (EVEN AFTER A SECOND READ I’M NOT SURE WHAT SUCK’S DONE TO PROMPT THIS QUESTION. AND BY THE WAY, WHAT IS SHE GIGGLING ABOUT?)

A rush of air against her back was the only answer. Spitz turned around with the enthusiastic curiosity unique to redshirts. A nebulous grey shape was bearing down on her at an unbelievable speed. It seemed surreally detached from the world temporally, dimensionally, or in a yet to be named manner..

When the entity impacted Ensign Spitz, (ONE OF) its brownish tentacle(S) was not as much pushed into her cunt as she was impaled on it due to the sheer difference in momentums. The infinitesimally small amount of time it took for the collision to occur gave First Officer Suck enough time to turn, so the unrounded tentacle that she was fated to feel writhing inside her bored up her ass. (YOU MIGHT DOUBLE CHECK ON THIS, BUT THERE’S BEEN NO MENTION OF SUCK HAVING TURNED AROUND TO FACE SPITZ SINCE “They walked to the next scanning point…”). TO HELP AVOID CONFUSION WHILE DESCRIBING MOVEMENT, YOU MIGHT TRY USING “AWAY FROM” OR “TOWARD” INSTEAD OF “AROUND”)

The scene froze for the duration of an eye blink and (WHILE) the two hapless Slut Fleet crewmembers hung in space. (THEN) The creature rearranged the cartilaginous internal structure of its tentacles, eliciting a gasp from Spitz, and began to mercilessly pound Spitz's cunt and Suck's ass.

It fucked the pair as though it was the personification of raw sexual energy trapped in the brains of all sexual mammals. Spitz and Suck could not help but be aroused as the being masterfully rubbed the erogenous zones they (K)new nothing about. The very nature of space seemed to change around the all-penetrating tentacles to create a sensation of such sexual gratification that (RE-WRITE THE REST OF THE SENTENCE) the two became entranced as the cummed over and over and craved to be pounded eternally by the mysterious entity.

Illusionary hours after the sodomy of Suck and the fucking of Spitz began, the tentacles began discharging litres of a viscous liquid. The fluid dynamics of it were such that each wave of it triggered a simultaneous climax in both. (RE-WORD THAT LAST PHRASE. AS IS, THEY’RE HAVING SIM. CLIMAXES IN THEIR OWN BODIES)

By the time that (OMIT “THAT’”) Spitz's and Suck's insides were nearing (THE) bursting point, their three companions arrived to (ON) the scene simultaneously (OMIT “SIM”) and unholstered their hazers. Three maximum-intensity hazer beams finished and annihilated (EITHER “FINISHED” OR “ANNIHILATED”, NOT BOTH) the creature. The destruction of their uninvited sexual benefactor filled the victims' heads with thoughts of bloody revenge, (AGAINST WHO?) but they were too exhausted to carry through on them. (NEW PARAGRAPH, COMBINE THIS SENTENCE WITH TH NEXT PARAGRAPH) Jamie flipped open her Communicator.

"Enterass, stand by to beam up five people on my word. Is everyone all right?" checked the Captain. (THAT LAST SENTENCE NEEDS TO BE COMBINED WITH THE PARAGRAPH AND GIVEN A DIALOGUE TAG SO READERS KNOW SHE’S NOW TALKING TO THE REST OF THE PARTY AND NOT THE SHIP)

Affirmative groans issued from everyone in the group. Jamie brought the communicator up to her lips and was about to complete her order when the landscape changed again. A shimmering golden quality permeated the environs and a translucent hologram of a humanoid female appeared.

One could describe her as nude or naked, (OKAY, I’M BEING PICKY, BUT NAKED AND NUDE ARE SYNONYMS) but the way she carried herself suggested that clothes would look as out of place on her as hydrogen ice on a star. Her long white hair, both pubic and otherwise, billowed in the breeze. Keeping her arms well away from her smooth dark body, she spoke with an icy and (OMIT “ICY” ADD A COMMA) all-penetrating voice.

--

"Yes, Captain. Ensign Swa Lo has recovered with the ministrations of Doctor Boner in the sick bay." (OMIT THE QUOTATION MARK) Ensign Spitz has been impregnated by the entity that she and I encountered. Section 69 of Slut Fleet Intelligence has requested that no abortion be performed and will pick up any progeny that results shortly after we arrive on Earth. My own injuries are insignificant. No critical situations occurred during the general shore leave," droned off (MIGHT REPLACE “DRONED,” WHICH MAY HAVE CONNOTATIONS OF SLOWNESS FOR SOME READERS, WITH “RECITED” ALSO OMIT “OFF”) Suck in a rapid succession.

"I see. Thank you, Suck. Actually, I still don't understand one thing."

"Captain?"

"Ensign Swa Lo was ravaged by insects because she speculated about that happenning. The giant amoeba materialised because of Doctor Boner's well-hidden fear of germs. I was, uhm, accosted by Hardons because I was contemplating Hardon-Federation relations. What, in Murphy's name, was it that sodomised you and (KNOCKED UP) Spitz?"

"I believe that I know the answer, Captain," said Suck thoughtfully.

"Well?"

"As you and everyone (ELSE) in the Quadrant know(S), Vulvans become obsessed with mating every seven days. However, that is not the whole truth. When Vulvans enter puberty, they become obsessed with sex on a continuous basis and with far greater instensity than most species."

--

"The price of such sexual repression is that Vulvans develop a state inbetween what other species term the Conscious and the Subconscious. This Intraconscious contains all our sexual desires and fetishes wrapped up in one cloud that is dark and impenetrable six days out of seven. I am guessing that the UI (WHAT’S A “UI”?) of the Pleasure Planet mistook mine for Conscious thought and created a manifestation of it."

--

"We, Vulvans, experience a lot of very rough sex in our youth and have learned nonpareil techniques for healing sexual injuries. I may be able to apply them to you,(MIGHT USE A COUPLE OF DASHES TO SHOW THE EMPHASIS BEING PUT ON THE USE OF THE CAPTAIN’S FIRST NAME) Jamie."

"No, thanks, I can manage. Wait... Jamie, eh? Be my guest," said the Captain and removed the icebag from her swollen pussy.

Suck dropped to her knees before the spread legs of Jamie T. Clit and pinched her thighs. (MIGHT DESCRIBE THIGHS AND MENTION JUST WHERE ON THEM SHE PINCHED)

"Damn, Suck, the fucking pain is gone," said the surprised Captain.

Suck silently mouthed an ice cube and licked Jamie's pussy lips. The Captain gasped and Suck pushed her tongue past her labia. She applied her cooling tongue to the blistering (BLISTERED walls and calmed down (OMIT “DOWN”) the jangled nerve endings. After a minute or so of Suck's medicinal licking, Jamie's cunt was in perfect health.

"With your permission, I will ease the pain in your ass next."

"Yes, definitely yes."

"The (MY?) seventh day has begun (REPLACE “HAS BEGUN” WITH ‘BEGAN”) an hour ago, Jamie, so we could swell them up again (,) if you know what I mean," continued the First Officer.

"Oh, Suck..."

 

[TheEarl]

First of all, this is a very good story. Not usually my thing, but v. creative and amusing. However I don't think there's enough of a story to make it a straight story and there's not quite enough humour to make it a spoof (a spoof of erotica that is, rather than the obvious spoof). Confused? I know I am.

The characterisation was a little weak IMHO and the storyline slightly thin. In answer to Q3 I think a little of both. The sex scenes were well written, but slightly short.

""Captain," cried out Suck" Cried out is unnecessary here. Be careful of over-acting, said is quite sufficient. for this phrase.

"And Boner?" said the Captain.

"Jamie?"

"At ease, man. Seriously." Nice early touch of humour. Made me LOL which is unusual in erotica.

"even made a lacklustre attempt to penetrate her in the navel." Very good sentence.

"tried to dry herself doggy style." Eh? Don't understand.

"nine-inch Hardon cock" Try and avoid measurements. A lot of readers don't like precise measurements in stories. Be vague; say huge, ginormous, stupendous, etc.

"Damn, Suck, the fucking pain is gone," I think this is slightly out of character for the captain to say. If you see your character as being coarse, it should come in sooner than this.

"Suck silently mouthed an ice cube" Slightly unclear

Good ending though, I liked that. I do apologise for being harsh; I've read over my review again and it seems very cruel, but it's unintentional. You have a very good story there, don't be discouraged by a hack like me bad-mouthing it. Keep writing; I want to read the sequels.

The Earl

 

[curious2c]

A very good attempt at writing a 'spoof'. I had a small problem with one redundant line. "A nine-inch hardon cock." Thay seems to me anyway to be redundant. Your readers should know a hardon is a cock. Perhaps you meant to say 'nine inch hard cock' (which is still stiff, no pun intended) A better way to put might have been 'His hard nine-inch cock'

The storyline is as good if not better (due to the very erotic content) than the early Star Trek show. I din't have a problem with the combination of UK versus US english at all.

I won't get into grammer corrections simply because I myself make bonehead mistakes all the time, only to have them pointed out by other writers in glaring light of day .

"Tried to dry herself doggie style" while very descriptive could cause a reader to have to stop and re-read several times to understand your meaning. I caught it ok and actually liked the inference and pictures conjured up in my mind. Some persons might not catch it at all though.

The only other thing that bothered me was spelling changes on characters names. It gives one an impression of having missed an introduction of a new person when it isn't.

All in all I gave you a four. A five for originality. A three for spelling and a four overall. I think I would have gone higher on the scoring because you do deserve better, but there is no way to vote a 4.75 as a single voter. If there were that is what I would have given you.

I do plead with you to re-edit this one and re-submit it. I think you could clean it up nicely and get good (read that better ) cores on it. Overall a good story/spoof I enjoyed it a lot.

 

[Guest]

Slut Trek 2: Encounter at KYgel7 (Story ID 53058) by Street0

KillerMuffin,

My critique is for the "second" story, since the Earl, RF and curious2c did fine reviews of the first (to which I have little to add).:
_____

First off, Street0, I am pleasantly surprised if you say these are your first and second attempts. Very, very credible and thoroughly enjoyable. In fact, I am not into the genre AT ALL and have little interest in reading the stories--but, you single-handedly may have changed my mind in this manner. Very funny word-spoofing, well-thought through imagination.

_____

To address Street0's questions:

1) Obviously, are there any grammatical errors? I am especially interested in the more obscure kinds.
See my nitpicking comments below.

2) Does my mixture of UKian and USian English annoy anyone?
No, not really since we know that after reading a few instances where the "s" is a "z". Just be consistent, though.

3) Would you prefer to see more plot development or longer sex scenes in the purely hypothetical follow-ups?
I actually liked the shorter spoof version. It is always a balance between a story that can grew to be a novelette, if you fertilize it enough. But the impact of the short, sweet, ‘gags’ is what bites me—a little, delicious snack one pop at a time.

4) Is my characterisation sufficient? Are there any cause-and-effect inconsistencies?
There were some choppy points I'm not going to dicker about, and there are some areas I would suggest recasting some paragraphs in a manner or form to help smooth continuity. But, by and large, your cause and effect actions made sense.

5) Finally, are there any esoteric anatomical problems in my prose?
Are you talking about obscurity here? If you are, there will be those that may get lost in the Star Trek series (a genre all unto itself) and the associated references to your spoofing... too bad. I am/was a fan of the series and enjoyed the inside jokes immensely. Spoofs don't HAVE to explain what their spoofing--that IS the joke. Bravo.

__________

Now, for the nitpicky critique that starts here. First, don’t be too, too bothered by this stuff. It comes with practice and having the necessary reference books and resources at your finger tips. Just a summary of some of my comments:

A. Watch your story tense and be consistent throughout. You were largely consistent, but fell into other tenses on occasion.
B. Verb tense in specific sentences need to remain consistent. Comparative phrases need to have logical parallelism also.
C. Punctuation. A minor bugaboo with any writer; use of commas (always a big one) and semi-colons. Semi-colons are too often underutilized--study up on their use, then use them!
D. I took some liberties to recast certain paragraphs—take them or leave them. I tried to make some corrections, but some were stylistic offered as suggestions for you to consider in the future, OK?

__________

In this paragraph:

Jamie T. Clit, Captain of HMS Enterass, rested her chin on her hands and peered at the self-satisfied trader. He tweaked his collar and shifted in the chair.

A preference, for me, is to recast the dialog into one sentence to show nervous continuity; both verbs should be in the same tense in either case, though.


Jamie T. Clit, Captain of HMS Enterass, rested her chin on her hands and peered at the self-satisfied trader tweaking his collar and shifting in the chair.

or,

… the self-satisfied trader tweaked his collar and shifted in the chair.

or,

... the self-satisfied trader tweaked his collar while he shifted in the chair.


___________

For this dialog:

"Point taken, Mr. Monopoly'gammee. What do you want in exchange for a tonne of deuterium?" spoke Jamie and took a deep breath. …"

Speaking vs. asking questions…. She’ asking.

"Point taken, Mr. Monopoly'gammee. What do you want in exchange for a tonne of deuterium?" asked Jamie and took a deep breath. …

or,

"... for a tonne of deuterium?” Jamie posed while taking a deep breath. …


P.S.--Deuterium is naturally occuring isotope of water. A more elaborate, crazy-sounding compound may have been better here (?) The Star Trek series used dilithium. Maybe quatrodeuterium? Whatever...
___________

In this sentence:

"Ah," said Jamie tactfully and recrossed her legs. She looked at her compatriots at the table. Suck, the First Officer, …

A compatriot is a “citizen” or a “national”. She was really looking at her “crewmates”, right?

___________

Note this sentence for comparisons:

"They make very cute pets. Ya'll love 'em. Honest," mumbled the flustered deuterium dealer. Nibbles were even easier to come by on KYgel than Deuterium.

Split comparisons in the second sentence; combine/recast so they are closer:

On KYgel, Nibbles were even easier to come by than Deuterium.

or,

Nibbles were even easier to come by than Deuterium on KYgel.


___________

Spelling:

"Here's my final counter-offer, Mr. Mono," said the Captain in a surgically precise tone. …"

Counteroffer is one word.

___________

Verb tense/voice agreement and commas in this paragraph:

Jamie relaxed back in her cool bridge chair. Lieutenant Sultry had asked to be relieved and was sulking back in her quarters. Fortunately for the Captain, the cooing brown-furred Nibble in her hand was doing a wonderful job of taking her mind off that problem.

Lieutenant Sultry asked the Captain to be relieved and left the bridge to sulk in her quarters. The word “back” is redundant.

Commas are needed after Fortunately and cooing; watch verb agreement/voice.

Fortunately, for the Captain, the cooing, brown-furred Nibble in her hand wonderfully took her mind off that problem.

___________

To many “senses” in second sentence; and recast:

Jamie's Nibble was the indirect source of this particular interruption. Its sensitive olfactory senses picked up on the closeness of the Captain's warm vagina and it edged towards the lovely organ. When in range, the furry creature unrolled out a warm tongue into the human's pussy.

Olfactory is strictly a sense of smell… let’s allow the Nibble to have a “special” sense detecting warmth and smell, shall we?:

Jamie's Nibble was the indirect source of this particular interruption. With its acute senses, the Nibble slowly inched towards the Captain's lovely, warm vagina. When in range, the furry creature quickly unrolled its warm tongue to lick the pussy of the surprised human.

___________

Recasting this and watch unneeded commas:

The Nibble locked onto her flesh with its toothless mouth and gave her no choice in the matter. It pushed its thin red tongue up to Jamie's cervix, dragging its rough tip past her pussy walls. Having established its limits, it proceeded to lick the insides of her cunt with what would be termed great skill if its real goal were bringing her to orgasm. It wasn't.

With its toothless mouth, the Nibble locked onto the Captain’s flesh pushing its thin, red tongue up her cervix while flicking the rough tip along her vaginal walls. After fully extending its mouth muscle to establish reaching distances, the furry alien licked the insides of her pussy with a practiced, sexual skill as if its ultimate purpose was to bring the human female to orgasm. But it wasn't.

___________

Some corrections:

Next to the Navigation console, Lieutenant Stickov was getting the blowjob of his life from a grey-furred Nibble that had wrapped its tongue around the tip of Stickov's shaft. The Nibble's lips were working on his cock tip while the tongue squeezed sideways along its curved path and licked Stickov's balls.

Instead of …Stickov’s shaft, try … his shaft.

Second sentence: Verb tense and word economy:
The Nibble's lips worked the Navigator’s mushroom tip while its tongue squeezed sideways along Stickov’s curved cock and down his balls.

___________

For this sentence:

Completing the scene, a black-with-white-spots Nibble was driving Communications Officer Assura towards ecstasy behind the Captain's chair.

Keep comparative words close in a sentence:
Completing the scene behind the Captain’s chair, a black and white-spotted Nibble sent Communications Officer, Assura, into ecstasy.

___________

Recast; watch verb agreement/tense:

Suck was the only one not being petted by a Nibble pet for this day was one of the six in a week on which she suppressed her sex drive. She stood at her post and waited for the orgy to subside, lifting an eyebrow at the more evocative of the cries of carnal joy. The low temperature setting in the ship's climate controls caused her to rub her sides frequently and to keep her legs close together.

Suck was the only bridge officer not petted by a Nibble; this day was one of the six in her week that she suppressed her sex drive. Instead, she stood at her post waiting for the orgy to subside occasionally lifting an eyebrow at the more evocative cries of carnal joy. Because of the relatively low temperature setting in the ship's climate control system, Suck rubbed her sides frequently and clamped her legs together tightly.

___________

Watch the use of grammar, spelling and commas; passerbies should be passersby:

A large invisible hand drew itself over Ensign Prude's mouth and dragged her backwards into a side corridor away from the main Enterass party. A few passerbies stared, but strange locomotion methods weren't that uncommon on KYgel 7 and they could live with one that featured the person bend backwards, defy gravity, and humph as their leather boots dragged on the ground. Based on the way her unclothed pelvis stuck out, it was probably a mating season thing.

I’m a little confused by the mid-sentence starting… “…and they could live with one that featured…”

A large invisible hand drew itself over Ensign Prude's mouth and pulled her into a side corridor away from the main Enterass party. Only a few passersby stared since strange locomotion methods weren't uncommon on KYgel 7 for anyone to bend over backwards, defy gravity, and “humph” as their leather boots dragged across the ground. To the casual observer and based on the way her unclothed pelvis stuck out, the activity appeared to be some type of mating ritual.

___________

Recast this:

The dragging ended in a dark corridor next to a docking bay. The hyperventilating blue-skinned redshirt was let down onto the floor. Her legs sprawled and she passed out. The abductor visibled himself as a Hardon in a rather unconventionally technological outfit. Four other Hardons emerged from the shadows.

The body-dragging ended in a dark corridor next to a docking bay as the hyperventilating, blue-skinned redshirt was lowered onto the floor. Her legs sprawled wide as she passed out. The abductor materialized as a Hardon suited in an unconventionally technological outfit. Four additional Hardons emerged from the shadows.

___________

Verb tense:

Lieutenant Sultry entered her quarters and collapsed on the sofa in quiet rage. The Captain had made her give head to that repellent KYgelian.

Lieutenant Sultry entered her quarters and collapsed on the sofa in a quiet rage. …

___________

Compound verbs and agreement:

She massaged her forehead and, opening her eyes, lifted one of her long legs into the chilling cabin air. Sultry removed one of her boots and ran her hands along the leg back to her ass. Her other leg received the same treatment.

She massaged her forehead, opened her eyes, and lifted one of her long legs into the chilling cabin air. … ,

or,

Massaging her forehead, she opened her eyes and lifted one of her long legs into the chilling cabin air. …



___________

The sofa supported the weight of Sultry's tool belt and Nibble as Sultry herself departed for her doorless bathroom.

I’m a little confused. So, why would a sofa have a hard time with this weight?

___________

Just being picky again (this is really a funny paragraph, though):

Once there, Sultry thumped down on her toilet teleporter and started it. It evacuated the fecal matter from her lower intestines and moved some fat about her body based on the "ideal body" profile she had made when she first moved in. The Lieutenant thought for a while and programmed the toilet to remove the semen that she swallowed. This would probably be noted in her medical records as bulimia and Doctor Boner could get unreasonable, but...

Sultry thumped on her toilet teleporter that evacuated the fecal matter from her lower intestines and conveniently removed some fat based her "ideal body" data profile provided to the system when she first arrived onboard. As the Lieutenant sat and thought, she reprogrammed the toilet to remove the semen that she swallowed earlier. This action may be noted in her medical records as bulimia, and Doctor Boner could get unreasonable, but...

___________

Try a single sentence:

She switched her shower from sonic to water even though that took a huge bite out of one's energy rations and entered it. The water droplets, manipulated by subspace fields, bombarded her from all six sides.

Switching the shower from sonic to water, even if it took a huge bite out of her energy ration quota, she entered the compartment as the soothing, rinsing droplets, manipulated by subspace fields, bombarded her body from six sides.

___________

Verb tense, second sentence:

"FUCK!" swore Sultry back in the shower. She had forgotten to take off her tunic and it was completely soaked now. The unnecessary yellow garment clung to her skin and felt very heavy on her large breasts.

She forgot to remove her tunic; it quickly saturated with water.

___________

Recast the following. Watch verb tense. Also incorrect use of semi-colon last sentence which requires a complete, related “sentence” after it; try an em-dash to separate some of the comma’d elements:

While Sultry was getting pissed in the shower stall, the invisible Hardon entered the bathroom. He spied the Lieutenant in the shower. Sultry's arms were resting on the opposing wall and her hair was soaked through and hanging over her face. Her body was being battered by multidirectional streams of water; her straight back, her still clothed above-average breasts, and her spread and well-muscled legs.

While Sultry cursed in the shower stall, the unseen Hardon entered the bathroom to leer at her semi-clothed body. Unknowingly posing for the unseen intruder, Sultry's arms supported her sexy torso against the opposing wall while her enticing figure—arched-backed, ample breasts, and well-muscled legs—received sensual, soothing, multidirectional sprays of water.

___________

Verb tense again.

Her liquid soap levitated off a shower shelf and was poured itself into her asscrack. An empty phallic shape appeared in the water droplets next to her ass to which it slowly drew itself. By the time this Hardon-sized penis reached her sphincter, an Hardon-sized body appeared in the water and two invisible hands grasped and pulled apart her small butt cheeks.

Liquid soap levitated off the shower shelf and poured itself into Sultry’s butt cleavage. Suddenly, a phallic shape became visible in the curtain of water droplets next to her buttocks. At the same time the Hardon’s body partially appeared in the shower water, the alien’s penis reached her sphincter while two invisible hands grasped and separated her small, tight butt cheeks.

___________

Commas, spell out cm = centimeter, phallus is a representation of a cock (not a real cock), recast a portion of the paragraph:

Tear'ass son of Big'ass roared a battlecry and pushed his ridged cock cm by cm into the Federation officer. It took almost thirty seconds for him push the phallus in its entirety into the inviolate ass of Lieutenant Sultry. Having accomplished this great task, he dug his hands into Sultry's buttocks and began making powerful thrusts into the Lieutenant. He drew it out and stretched his victim's ass before he finally came in large spurts into her clean orifice. Tear switched off the water as he pulled out and covered Sultry's back in cum with the last great spurt.

Tear'ass, son of Big'ass, roared a Hardon battlecry and pushed his ridged cock centimeter by centimeter into the Federation officer’s anus. It took a full thirty seconds to violate his huge cock up the ass of Lieutenant Sultry. Panting, the invisible alien dug his strong fingers into Sultry's buttocks and thrust violently into her dark hole. Sultry yelped and gasped from the deep penetration. Partially withdrawing his engorged member, the Hardon stretched his victim's ass while streaming large, hot spurts of his alien seed into her open orifice. Tear’ass switched off the water as he pulled away to gush Sultry's back in steamy cum with one final, long spurt.

___________

Emphasize the spoken “no” with punctuation in this sentence:

A weak no sounded from the bathroom.

A weak “no” sounded from the bathroom.

or, make it dialog,

“No,” came a soft whimper from the bathroom.


___________

Too many “push” words in same paragraph (and sentence).

With this, the Hardon flung aside his already unstrapped codpiece and grabbed the redshirt by her smooth blue thighs. He pushed her down onto his hard and impressive - even for a Hardon - cock and pushed into her sky-blue pussy. His ridged penis didn't fail to produced the desired effect and soon the Enterass crewmember was moaning with his every thrust.

With this, the Hardon flung aside his already unstrapped codpiece and grabbed the redshirt by her smooth blue thighs. He pushed her down onto his hard and impressive cock and fucked her sky-blue pussy. …

___________

"This Fuck'Toy's loving this or my name is not Big'One son of Already'Done," boasted the Captain. "Cumwine Officer, tattoo her well!"

No space after the period and before the quotation mark “… boasted the Captain.”

___________

In Ensign Prude's mind, this always happened to her. She'd get comfortable with a something new and someone would ruin it. It happened back home on And/or, it happened back in the Academy, it happened on Enterass, and now it happened her. ...

Why the And/or? Certainly no caps are needed.
___________

First sentence gerund phrase needs a coordinating conjunction or, recast it:

The crushed woman slid onto the misty floor of the Hardon ship, her pussy letting go of the Captain's cock with an audible pop. The Captain held out a pair of chain-mail panties before her widened eyes.

The crushed woman slid to the misty floor of the Hardon ship; her pussy finally released the Captain's cock with an audible pop. …

or,

The crushed woman slid to the misty floor of the Hardon ship as her pussy finally released the Captain's cock with an audible pop. …



___________

"You were right to call me Suck," said the smirking Doctor. "This looks like a fun party to join."

Insert a comma after “… call me,”

___________

Avoid passive voice, first sentence:

Her options being somewhat limited, she applied her tongue to the ridged Hardon member with the best of her intuition. Fortunately, it didn't take much and a searing load of Hardon jizz soon slid down Ensign Prude's throat.

With her options somewhat limited, she applied her tongue to the ridged Hardon member with the best of her intuition. …


Also,

I noticed your fondness of the word "ridged" throughout. Did you mean to say "rigid" at any time?





Thanks for the fun story. I look forward to more.
I suggest you edit and resubmit.
I voted a “4”; 5 for the story spoofing and 3 for the technical stuff.

Nice job!
ProofreadManx

 

[Street0]

No, I haven't disappeared. Thank you very much for these very good critiques. I've only skimmed them, but I will be sure to read every point later on when I have more time.

<i>Your readers should know a hardon is a cock.</i>

Actually, they should know that hardons are my take on klingons.

 

[Street0]

<i>(IN SENTENCE TWO SHE’S WEARING A SHIRT BUT THE NEXT SENTENCE SAYS A SMALL SWEATER IS PART OF THE SPECIFIED UNIFORM.)</i>

Hmm. Okay, I am sticking with "shirt" and an occasional "garment" then.

<i>(HIS/HER MAJESTY’S SHIP?)</i>

Well, USS stands for <b>U</b>nited Federation of Planets <b>S</b>tar <b>S</b>hip.

<i>A mosquito flew up Swillow's nose and she began sneezing like crazy. (OMIT “LIKE CRAZY” UNLESS SHE COULD SNEEZE “LIKE SANE”)</i>

Aye aye.
A mosquito flew up Swillow's nose and she began sneezing like sane.

<i>The scene froze for the duration of an eye blink and (WHILE) the two hapless Slut Fleet crewmembers hung in space.</i>

I think I prefer "and". Sorry.

<i>(EVEN AFTER A SECOND READ I’M NOT SURE WHAT SUCK’S DONE TO PROMPT THIS QUESTION. AND BY THE WAY, WHAT IS SHE GIGGLING ABOUT?) </i>

Suck was staring at the energy being with an expression of dread or uncertainty or worry or what-have-you.

<i>(THAT’S A GOOD BRIT TERM BUT MOST YANKS WOULD BE HITTING THE DICTIONARY)</i>

Muwahaha.

<i>DS IS A POSITION, NOT A WAY TO DRY.</i>

Interesting. Is there a word for the way dogs dry themselves?

<i>The Hardon behind her swung the balance back in their favour by pinning her arms and only grinned more when she swung the back of her skull against the rippled front of his (WHAT, CHIN, FACE, HEAD, CHEST?). </i>

Skull.

<i>(I LIKE THE COMMENTS ON HER VOCABULARY. YOU MIGHT STRETCH THIS OUT A BIT BY DESCRIBING BODY MOTION AND/OR FACIAL CONTORTIONS) </i>

Thanks. I will consider your suggestion.

<i>Keeping her arms well away from her smooth dark body, she spoke with an icy and (OMIT “ICY” ADD A COMMA) all-penetrating voice. </i>

To what?

<i>What, in Murphy's name, was it that sodomised you and (KNOCKED UP) Spitz?"</i>

Sure, why not.


These are all most excellent. The Swa Lo/Swallow/Swillow thing was particularly embarassing.

 

[TheEarl]

I think dogs dry themselves by shaking.

Sorry, couldn't resist the smart-arse comment.

The Earl

 

[Street0]

Ergo, drying yourself doggystyle involves a lot of shaking.