8letters’ Incest Story Review Thread

[8letters]

Hi! I’m 8letters and I’m a writer of incest stories, primarily brother-sister stories. You can seem my stories here. Most of my recent stories have a score of 4.6 or better.

I don’t have a writing background and I have improved a lot from my first story because of a few people who were nice enough to spend a lot of time providing me with feedback on my stories. I’m looking to pay that help forward. If you’d like feedback on your incest story, post a link to it in this thread and I’ll do my best to give you some help.

I recommend lovecraft68's Write Incest like a Mother Fucker. He's one of the most popular authors on this website. He knows what the Incest category readers are looking for and following his advice will improve your score and number of reads.

To be honest, my advice is mostly going to be “write like me”. Of course, your style is different than my style and your style could very well be better than my style. So be aware that some of my feedback isn’t going to be helpful because of the difference in our styles.

I’m going to tell you a lot of things that I think you should do differently. That may come across as harsh. I’ll say in advance I’m sorry if it does.

Please be polite and post a “thank you” reply after I provide you some feedback. It’s the only way I’ll know that you read my feedback for you. If you want to do something in return for me, I’m always looking for beta-readers for my next story. It’s not a hard job as I take so long to write a story.

 

[8letters]

Do’s and Don’ts, Part 1

I’ve given feedback on a number of stories and I frequently say the same basic comments. I’m going to expand on those common comments here to keep down the size of individual reviews. I’ll use my story My Day as a Pool Boy as an example.

Don’t start your story with a lot of narrative summary
You are writing a short story, so you need to grab the reader’s interest right away, preferably within five paragraphs. Narrative summary isn’t going to do that. Don’t provide extensive background to start your story. Instead, provide the minimum background and get into your story, then backfill background as the story goes along.

Do start your story with an interesting scene that’s truly the start of your story
In “My Day as a Pool Boy”, I could have started the story when Dylan came home from college. Or when his mother found his pot stash. However, the story is about Dylan’s day as a pool boy to his sister’s pool party so I started the story when the first guest had arrived. I made the first guest Alex as the story is about Dylan, Alex and Dylan’s sister Emily. Almost right away, Dylan and Alex are flirting.

Don’t use a big cock as a mind control device
“I saw my son’s/brother’s/dad’s/uncle’s/cousin’s big cock and I had to fuck him!” It’s the most trite plot line and it has been used over and over and over. To me, it’s lazy writing - you want the mom and son to fuck, can’t think of a way to bring them together so you use the mind control power of a big cock to drive the mom insane with lust.

Do build chemistry between the two main characters
Your two main characters should wind up fucking each other because they are sexually attracted to each other while their clothes are on. Show, don’t tell. “I want to fuck my mom/sister/aunt because she has big boobs” doesn’t cut it as a motivation because there are plenty of women with big boobs out there who aren’t the main character’s blood relative. Give us some interactions where the main characters are attracted to each other.

 

[8letters]

Do’s and Don’ts, Part 2

Do give reasons why your characters for available for a sexual relationship
She's smoking hot with a great personality and no guy is interested in her. He's charming with a great body and hasn't had a date in ages. Come on, people! If your characters are attractive, then people will be attracted to them. In fact, a nice way to get across how attractive your characters are is to describe how people are attracted to them.

Do give your characters personality and interests
Have you ever meet someone who's physically very attractive but has zero personality? In my experience, their appeal lasts for only a few minutes. What type of music does he like? What's her favorite show? What sport does he play? What does she like to do with her friends? If your character is a hot bode and nothing more, he/she is going to have limited appeal to the reader.

Do give both characters a physical description
Don't do something hokey like have the narrating character look in a mirror and describe his/herself, but work in a little description some way, usually as a contrast to the other main character. "My sister had long, golden blond hair, whereas mine was a blondish brown. We were both tall, me at 6'2" and her at 5'8"."

 

[8letters]

Do’s and Don’ts, Part 3

Don't give bra sizes
There are a number of reasons for this. First is that there's no absolute standard for bra size so what bra size a woman wears depends on the brand. Also, bra sizing is a very inexact art so the woman could be wearing a bra that isn't the correct size for her. 99% of guys won't be able to guess a woman's bra size from just looking at her. So saying she wore a 34C bra isn't providing that accurate description you think you're providing.

The “I knew her bra size because I snuck into her room and looked at the label” line is creepy. Don’t make you main character look like a loser.

To me, it’s a sign of lazy writing. Describe what your character is actually seeing. If you can’t accurately describe how endowed a female character is with descriptive words, you need to practice your writing skills.

Don't give your characters ridiculous proportions
“I have a twelve inch cock the same thickness as a beer can.” And every time your character would get a hard on, he’d faint from all the blood rushing to his crotch. “She was 5’1”, 98 pounds and had GG tits.” And massive back pain.

Focus on making your characters attractive by giving them interesting personalities. Don’t try to use monstrous body parts as a crutch to make your character attractive.

Don’t turn your touching love story into a fuckfest
Joe always had had a thing for his beautiful cousin Susan. It turned out that Susan had a thing for him too. The one day during summer vacation, their feelings for each other finally came out. Joe and Susan kissed and it was like a dam had burst. Soon, they were making love. Then Joe fucked his aunt, then he fucked his sister, then he fucked his mom. Rather than being a touching love story, Joe now looks like a jerk who was feeding Susan a line just so he could get into her pants.

Do keep the sexual tension cranked up
To me, a good incest story is one where the main character wants the other character sexually, fights that desire because he/she feels it wrong, is terrified that the other person will reject them if he/she tells him/her how he/she feels until is is finally revealed that the object of the main character’s affection feels the same way.

Do be careful with head hopping
I write my story always from one character’s point of view. Stories where the point of view switches back and forth from the two characters can work really well if it shows them slowly be more attracted to the other and slowly being more accepting of that attraction. However, if the brother thinks “I want to fuck my sister” and then we switch to the sister thinking “I want to fuck my brother”, there’s no sexual tension in the story.

 

[8letters]

The Important Lessons of Life by rarmons

He/she requested constructive criticism here. The story is here.

I don’t like where you started the story. To me, the story really starts when the mom calls to get her son in a Sex Ed class. Everything before that is floundering around without much point. Sharon’s “marital obligations”? Who cares? Once the story starts, Sharon never appears. Time spent describing Crystal is also a waste as for most of the story, she’s just a name. Start with the call to the school and have the mom think briefly on walking in on her son having sex with his girlfriend.

Your plot is total implausible, but that’s okay. No way could a school district have any involvement with a Sex Ed class like that. I think it would have been a lot better if the school admin had said the school district didn’t offer any Sex Ed that would be of help to someone who’s having sex, but that a student had told her about a private Sex Ed course that he had gone to that sounded like it covers what she would like her son to learn. The student had said that he had learned a lot and had greatly enjoyed it. But as your story is consistent with the plot premise, the implausibility was fine.

Once the story starts, it’s a lot of fun. Nice steady development and good pacing. I think you should have had a lot more of what the mom was thinking. She goes from being very reluctant to happily fucking her son in front of strangers with almost no explanation as to why the change. Satisfying ending.

 

[rarmons]

Thanks for taking the time to do this, I really appreciate it.

I don’t like where you started the story. To me, the story really starts when the mom calls to get her son in a Sex Ed class. Everything before that is floundering around without much point. Sharon/Crystal

You're right that the main plot really starts with the phone call, and I like the idea of starting the story with a hook, and then providing background plot. Looking back, all my stories tend to be very linear in time progression. I might have to shake that up a bit in the future.

You're right on the Sharon thing. I think the information is important (that the Mom is sexually frustrated), but that could have been conveyed without specifically creating Sharon.

I disagree on the Crystal thing, though. I needed a (more or less) plausible motivation why she'd be so intent on signing her son up for sex ed, especially one designed for a couple, as well as the son's reason for going in the first place (guilt). She's pretty much the catalyst that sets the entire thing in motion, and more than a name.

Your plot is total implausible, but that’s okay. No way could a school district have any involvement with a Sex Ed class like that.

I agree 100%, and the absurdity was intentional.

I think you should have had a lot more of what the mom was thinking. She goes from being very reluctant to happily fucking her son in front of strangers with almost no explanation as to why the change.

Yeah, looking back at this story, I agree. It's an important aspect, especially in that category.

Thanks again for taking the time to do this. (I wasn't sure if you wanted feedback like this on your reviews or not)

 

[8letters]

Thanks again for taking the time to do this. (I wasn't sure if you wanted feedback like this on your reviews or not)

Actually, it's the kind of reply I hoped for as it shows you took the time to think through my comments, which makes me feel better about taking the time to make them in the first place.

 

[lovecraft68]

Well thank you for the great shout out.

In support of your thread here is one for you to review.

https://www.literotica.com/s/porn-shoot-with-my-sister

Have at it.

 

[8letters]

Porn Shoot with My Sister

Story is here.

I really feel stupid criticizing a story that has a 4.80 score, 172 comments and 972 favorites, all of which are far better then what my best story has. I’m going to give you “write like me” feedback and you obviously are quite successful writing like you. Now that I’ve made my caveats, I’m going to rip away.

The first few pages sucked, but the sex at the end carried the story. The beginning is thirteen paragraphs of narrative summary filled with details that seemed unimportant. When stories start that way, I always get anxious about how much of this am I going to have to remember to enjoy the story. I also really didn’t like the tone that was set - Andy is down and defeated. His mom made a bunch of stupid decisions, they’re going to lose the house and Andy isn’t going to put up a fight. He’s not even trying to look on the bright side. Andy is unappealing to me.

Alicia comes into Andy’s room and there’s some dialog. Turns out that Andy has been spying on his sister when she’s naked for years and his sister has known all along. Why has Andy been spying on Alicia? Andy doesn’t think about why. Why hasn’t Alicia kicked his ass for spying on her? She should have been furious at the time.

There’s a break in the dialog for Andy to check out Alicia’s marvelous body. My eyes glazed over. Alicia is super hot - you didn’t need to beat me over the head with it. Andy spending all this time cataloging the awesomeness of his sister’s body reinforces the main message of the story so far - Alicia is super hot, Andy is a total loser and there’s no chemistry between them.

Then Alicia proposed they have sex in front of a couple for twenty grand. Andy fights it all the way, which makes no sense to me. Andy is a loser who’s been obsessed with his sister’s body for years and he’s totally against having sex with her? Of all the arguments he makes against doing the deed, he misses the obvious one - how do they know they’re going to get paid? It’s not like Andy and Alicia can go to the cops and say they didn’t get the money they were promised for fucking each other. Alicia pushes and teases and threatens and practically begs, then finally to no one’s surprise Andy agrees. By protesting so much against something he obviously wants, Andy comes across as a jerk. You don’t share any of Andy’s thoughts as to why he is protesting so much and instead the thoughts you share were consistent with the “loser is going to have his dream come true” idea. To me, the story would have worked much better if Andy had shown the ad to Alicia and Alicia the one who was saying no. Or Alicia shows the ad to Andy, is reluctant about the idea but doesn’t see any other options and Andy persuades her that doing it is the right thing.

Alicia and Andy meet the couple who ran the ad. Andy is a complete jerk. Then we discover that the title is wrong - that this isn’t going to be a porn shoot, it’s going to be a home video. Andy starts backing out on having sex with Alicia and Alicia has to convince him again, which makes Andy look like a jerk yet again. Again, Andy has no thoughts that explain his opposition to having sex with his sister.

You have too many typos and odd phrases. “I'd worked earlier, but my mind was racing and wired for sound I went into the basement to hit the weights.” “I would look down at her-and hat would be the key…” “I did as she asked while moaning as her ass began grinding against my cock [ed: should be ground instead of began grinding].” “I rubbed tow fingers between her soft wet lips…” “The look on what part of her face I could see caused me to remember my cock was still buried in Alicia's pussy and as Steve started fucking Mary fat and hard I joined him. [ed: with bonus awkward phrasing!]”

Andy takes a shower and Alicia joins him. He’s total putty in her hands and worships her body, which contradicts all the fighting he’s been putting up. The shower scene is really hot. Andy and Alicia go to the hotel, have sex in front of Steve and Mary in a hot sex scene. That night, Alicia comes into Andy’s bedroom and wants to be full-time lovers. Andy puts up a little fight, but accepts it. The End.

Edit: I don’t see what Alicia sees in Andy. We wind up knowing very little about Andy - he works at Pizza Hut and he lifts weights once. Giving him some friends and interests would have made his character more appealing. We know more about Alicia but not a whole lot. If we knew more about how Alicia's personality and interests meshed with Andy's, then her sexual attraction to him would probably make more sense.

 

[HeyAll]

Nice thread. Also, can you review this one for me?

https://www.literotica.com/s/moms-anal-servitude

Personally, I really like it. The score is a bit low for a 3 page story.

I've come to find that in the Incest category, my 2 page stories are usually more popular and well received than my 3 page stories. For other categories, it's the opposite.

* Also, I'll add my thoughts on my approach to Incest stories later.

 

[LesLumens]

Ah, what the hell. I'll throw this out there.

https://www.literotica.com/s/moms-stocking-stuffer

I know about the badly-worded daylights savings reference. Never have gotten around to editing it out

No doubt you'll be wondering what the numbers are at the end. They're a cipher that I messed up by failing to include one number. It should have said "If all I cared about was numbers" addressed to someone.

The companion piece entered in the same contest was part of this experiment as well.

https://www.literotica.com/s/peppermint-patty

 

[LaRascasse]

Jumping on the band-wagon, I'll throw in something I wrote a couple of years back. It's a one-pager, so you should be done with it quickly. I did try to make it different from the usual, though.

Let me know what you think -> Echoes

 

[lovecraft68]

Well thank you for taking the time to rip my story

Seriously, no worries, we're all entitled to our opinions and having written a couple of loving wives stories has conditioned me to think its positive feedback anytime my life isn't threatened.

I won't debate or refute anything you say. I self edit so all my stories have mistakes, it is what it is and what it is is free.

As for the story in general I think its a matter of as you said 'write like me' my quick point would be if Andy was immediately "Yeah! Let's do it!" This would have been a fairly quick and to the point stroker, which I am sure many would have enjoyed.

His attraction to Alicia was there, but tempered with realism as in 'Okay, yeah she is hot, but this is my sister" we are conditioned to resist that urge, but of course in stories don't or...what's the point?

So my defense as such is I write a certain way and many like it-as demonstrated by the stories numbers-but many don't.

Can't please them all so I please who I can(my mantra with women too)

Thank you for taking the time to read the story and give feedback.

I am sure I will be back to let you abuse me again. I am a switch after all

 

[8letters]

My intention for this thread is to not rebut any disagreements with my feedback unless specifically asked. But as you didn't disagree, I think it's okay to reply.

Well thank you for taking the time to rip my story

Seriously, no worries, we're all entitled to our opinions and having written a couple of loving wives stories has conditioned me to think its positive feedback anytime my life isn't threatened.

I'm glad. I'm sure my feedback came across as harsh. Normally, I'd mix in praise with criticism, but I felt that you are an established enough author that you don't need some minor writer telling you that you write interesting setups, sexy characters, great dialogue and hot sex scenes.

As for the story in general I think its a matter of as you said 'write like me'

Exactly. I asked you long ago if I could write my own take on this story concept and I haven't gotten around to it yet. I like my version of the story concept more than yours, but I know if and when I ever publish it that it won't do as well as your story.

I am sure I will be back to let you abuse me again. I am a switch after all

And you would learn what from another review? If it would be of help, I'd be glad to do it. But I fear that all you'll learn is that I'd write your very successful story differently than you did.

 

[8letters]

Mom's Anal Servitude

Story is here.

I am not sure about the title. It really gives away too much and at the same time it doesn’t accurately describe what the story is about. At the same time, it grabs people’s attention. I’d have done something else.

Your story starts with nine paragraphs of narrative summary. I feel that almost all of that would have been presented it if had been rolled into the first scene between the mom and the son.

It’s an interesting concept and I liked how you just hint at things during the first mom-son conversation. Cue the ominous music. In the second conversation, you provide more details but you don’t spill the whole beans.

However, there was one thing during the second conversation that got my attention in a bad way. The mom (Patricia) is talking about a journal and some pictures to her son (Sam) that are so embarrassing that they could potentially end her political career (she’s thinking of running for President). Then she says, “And I wanted to preserve those memories. So I scanned many of those diary entries and pictures and kept them online. Everything was in a private email account." Jesus Christ! Is she really that fucking stupid? Putting career-ending information out there where any hacker in the world can get to it? And email is a really crappy way of storing information like she’s storing.

This gets me into implausibility in stories. I found this implausible, but the story requires it. My general feeling is that something implausible in the story is okay so long as the story is consistent with it. However, something implausible may hurt your story’s reception. No one in the comments brought up that her storing the information on an email account makes no sense, so maybe I’m just being overly sensitive.

Factual problem - In the second mom-son conversation, the mom tells here son about his dad. At first, I thought she was telling Sam information that he should already know, but later I realized that Sam’s dad was probably dead. If he is dead, it’s a huge fact that you should have shared. When he died is also important.

Another factual problem - there’s no November deadline for Presidential runs. Candidates start declaring in the Spring and everyone has declared by mid-summer. The first debate was August 6th. Almost everyone in the US would know this, so get this basic fact wrong hurts your story.

From there, things ramp up nicely. Good pacing. The decision to have anal sex with her son seemed reasonable. I’m not into anal sex, so I’m no judge of the anal sex scene. The story ended nicely.

I felt you should have described your characters more. I have no idea what Patricia or Sam look like. Sam’s a blank slate other than he supports Patricia running for President and watches “Homeland”. I know a bit more about Patricia, but still didn’t feel there was much chemistry between them.

 

[HeyAll]

Thanks for the review.

Also, regarding this:

The mom (Patricia) is talking about a journal and some pictures to her son (Sam) that are so embarrassing that they could potentially end her political career (she’s thinking of running for President). Then she says, “And I wanted to preserve those memories. So I scanned many of those diary entries and pictures and kept them online. Everything was in a private email account." Jesus Christ! Is she really that fucking stupid? Putting career-ending information out there where any hacker in the world can get to it? And email is a really crappy way of storing information like she’s storing.

Those pictures were scanned many years prior to the hack. That's why they were hacked. Because she had scanned them to her email many years ago.

* I'll try to add some thoughts on the Incest category in a few days to contribute to the ideas in this thread.

 

[Hypoxia]

Dare I request an evaluation of That's My Girl?

 

[8letters]

Mom's Stocking Stuffer

Story is here.

I liked the way you started the story, showing how the son slowly developing desires for his mom. Massages are always a great way of building sexual tension. Then you upped the sexual tension by having the mom remove her bra when she got home. The tension keeps going up and up as the mom and son move through the days before Christmas. On Christmas Eve, the mom tells the son that she wants him to be the man of the house in every way. Hot sex follows. I thought the pacing was excellent. Very satisfying mom-son story and deserving of a high score.

My top complaint about the story would be that the mom and son have no life. They work, come home, have dinner, the son gives the mom a massage and then they both go to bed. No friends, no interests. They don’t even talk to each other very much in the story. The story is all about the physical attraction the son feels for the mom and as a consequence, it’s a very enjoyable but unmemorable story.

 

[RejectReality]

That's primarily because I was writing that one to formula. I really had no sense of the characters other than he was socially helpless. It was all about the titillation and getting the biggest response possible. If I remember right, that one went from idea to finished in somewhere less than 48 hours, though I'd been thinking about a scenario for quite a while longer.

It's probably the least amount of work I've ever put into a story, and it's my "best seller" so far as sheer numbers go. It's also my most-stolen story. I've found that one on at least 20 different sites.

Thanks for the review We're pretty much on the same page with it. Actually, it sounds like you enjoyed it more than I do. LOL

 

[8letters]

Echoes

Story is here

The story is very different than most I’ve read on Literotica. It’s all recollections of the narrator, with a line repeated regularly - "I love you, Vicky Jones." It covers a lot of ground, is mostly sad, has a brief incestuous sex scene and then turns sad again. I found it an interesting read, but not very erotic.

As I said up front, most of my feedback is going to be “write like me”. I can’t imagine myself writing a story like this. It’s a good story and works, but it’s too refined? artsy? for me to write anything like it. Sorry I can’t be of more help.

 

[LaRascasse]

Thanks for your feedback. That story was mostly an experience with monologue and if I could tell a story entirely as monologue.

 

[laffalot]

I like this thread.

I'd love to hear your opinion of my story. It's just a little over 3 lit pages long.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-helpful-sister

 

[8letters]

That's My Girl

Story is here

Let me be upfront and warn you that I don’t like the story. As in I couldn’t finish the first page. You’re in fine company as I’m not a fan of “Words on Skin”, which is most people’s favorite incest story. You’re story has an excellent score (4.68). It’s a slow developing story with a lot of character development. I didn’t like your two main characters (particularly Jenna), didn’t understand what they were doing and just gave up after a while.

The beginning clanged for me. Song lyrics are a tricky thing to me because if you don’t recognize the song, they come across as really bad poetry. No introduction of the main character Randy. When we meet Jenna Ives, there isn’t a real introduction. It’s like we should already know her. They seem to know each other quite well. Then it turns out that they barely know each other. Randy’s thoughts should have provided context but they didn’t.

Here’s the part of the story when Jenna walks up:

Over my music and the street sounds, I heard the klik-klik of high heels tapping down the concrete steps. I turned and smiled as Jenna Ives neared me.

Jenna's tailored dark-grey skirt-suit nicely displayed some of her strong lithe legs and enticing curves. She set down her briefcase and leaned against the stairway wall listening to me.

I was getting tired and my throat was sore, but I kept singing in the hope that one of my regular listeners would show up. I smiled when I heard the klik-klik of her high heels coming down the concrete steps. I turned and nodded to her when she got close. She was easy on the eyes in a tailored dark-grey skirt-suit which nicely displayed some shapely legs and enticing curves. We had talked a couple of times and she had introduced herself as Jenna Ives, a manager at a classy seafood restaurant that was up some nearby stairs. She set down her briefcase and leaned against the stairway wall to listen to me.

To me, your description of Jenna was poor. I normally start at the face and work down. No mention of age, which is always huge.

The next section really clanged for me. Comments in bold.

[After some song lyrics]
Oh yeah, gritty and grim. And about time to call it a day. Non sequitur

I noted the approaching evening chill. Enough, already. Redundant to about time to call it a day. I loudly finished my set and packed my harmonicas and guitar -- and the contributions, of course. Shouldn’t he be talking to Jenna during this time? Jenna scooped up her briefcase you don’t scoop up a briefcase and stepped to my side. Her fingers lightly strummed on my shoulder. This paragraph implies to me that they know each other very well as he doesn’t have anything to say to her and she feels comfortable to touch Randy fairly intimately

"Nice playing as usual, Randy. So how's your day going?" Again, seems to know Randy very well.

"Not bad. Made a few bucks, got a few laughs, a few smiles, and nobody threw nasty crap at me." An odd reply. Basically unresponsive. Not what you would say to someone you knew well. I crinkled my eyes why did he crinkle his eyes? I have no clue as I peered into her olive face. She has a dark green face? "And now you're here, so everything is just about perfect."

Jenna laughed and shook her head. Her long dark curls swirled like liquid night. This has me thinking she knows Randy very well.

"Yo, Mister Slick! You've been practicing that smooth delivery for a while, I bet." Clang! She’s calling him out for feeding her a line. Really breaks the mood. Her dark eyes sparkled warmly. She touched my faded-denim-clad shoulder again. This isn’t consistent with her calling him out.

"You're looking a little thin, Ran. Calls him Ran, which implies she knows him well. You been eating well? How would you like a nice dinner?" She tilted her head toward the classy seafood restaurant at the top of the inviting stairway. At this point, I’m thinking she’s family or a close family friend. I’m getting annoyed that I’m having to constantly guess about the basics of their relationship.

"Well, thanks Jen, but that place is a bit pricey. I'll be fine with a couple of Carlos' fish tacos." I nodded at a food cart across the street in Aquatic Park. What is Randy thinking? Is he grateful for the offer of a meal? Is he pissed off? Her taking so much pity on him that she offers to buy him a nice dinner ought to provoke some strong emotion.

"Look, I'm the business manager here. She’s his business manager? The house can afford to spot you a meal, no problem. C'mon guy, no excuses! Anyway, I want to talk to you." Okay, she’s his business manager.

"How can I refuse the request of a lovely young lady?" I uncrinked not a word my long lanky frame and hoisted my guitar case. "Lead on, Jenna."

"So you can ogle my shapely ass? Who the hell says this? She’s calling him out as a lech. She comes across as vain when she calls her ass shapely. Nope, come along with me." She took my free hand. She’s awfully physical intimate for a business manager of a struggling artist. "And thanks for the 'young lady' compliment. I'm probably older than you." What the hell? She has no idea of his age? This is the first sign that she doesn’t know him well.

"No way! I thought you were about thirty. You're pretty damn well-preserved for a lady in her fifties!" Now it’s obvious that they don’t know each other very well. I think this is terrible writing. He should know that he looks young for his age and that’s she’s thinking he’s younger than he really his. He should tell her his age and make fun of her misjudging his age. You never call a woman much older that she really is.

"What?!? No, I'm not even forty. You say you're over fifty? I don't believe it!"

"Wanna check my ID? I just stay in shape. Clean living, y'know?" And gym work. Lots of gym work.This makes no sense to me. We guess peoples age based on their hair and facial wrinkles. If he spends lots of time at the gym, he would look like a fit guy in his fifties. But he doesn’t look fit as she’s offering to buy him a meal because he’s so thin. If he’s that thin, she should be guessing him to be older than he is (the stereotypical musician whose hard living ages him early).

Randy and Jenna talk and we begin to find out some things about Randy - he’s got plenty of money from some software he wrote long ago. He’s a wandering loner who plays music in public places for grins. I wish his thoughts early on would have reflected this autobiography.

I have no idea what Jenna is doing. She’s a business manager at an upscale restaurant and she’s basically throwing herself at a stranger in front of her employees? To me, Randy’s constant calling her “gorgeous” ought to rankle. And they talk and talk and talk. She’s completely unprofessional, acting like a waitress trying to avoid work at the start of her shift.

I thought the adoption stuff was way too obvious and overdone. When she invites him to her place (blowing off the work day completely), I couldn’t take it and stopped reading.

 

[8letters]

The Helpful Sister

Story is here.

This story is a sister-sister story and as I lesbian stories don’t appeal to me, it didn’t appeal to me. I liked it in terms of writing. It was a very slow developing story, but I liked the pace. Normally I don’t like a lot of narrative summary at the beginning of a story, but it made sense is it was all about Jodi getting ready to have a long, leisurely session with her vibrator while in the tub. She’s just starting when someone starts pounding on the door. Jodi slowly gets out of the tub, goes to the door to find her younger sister Lexi at the door. Lexi has been beaten up by her drunk boyfriend. She fled her house and walked three miles in the cold and rain to get to Jodi’s door. Jodi strips her naked and gets in her the bath to warm her up. All very natural and at a good pace.

At this point, I got annoyed about your lack of commas. It should be:

"They are just set in their ways, Lexi.

You kept leaving out the comma. Lexi and Jodi are having this serious and interesting conversation about how their parents have disowned Jodi because she’s gay and all I can think about is the missing commas. Toss in a “Judi” for “Jodi” and I got seriously distracted.

Then there was a section where Lexi asks Jodi what happened to her last two relationships. I can understand her asking about the one that ended thee months earlier, but the one before that? It seemed odd that she asked. It was like she hadn’t seen Jodi since she got kicked out of the house, but she had to have talked to Jodi since then because she knew about the end of the most recent relationship.

From there, things were moving along steadily. I stopped reading as lesbian stories don’t appeal to me.

Hope that helps.

 

[laffalot]

First off, thanks for taking the time to read the story and write the review.

So, a couple of missed commas, (wait a minute, are you Mr. Edwards, my old English teacher from high school?) and a typo, took you out of the story? That seems kind of sad, but I guess my response to that would be - you get what you pay for.

Now onto the second part, where you said that Jodi asked about the last two relationships. It's been awhile since I've posted that story, so I had to go back and look it up, but I knew that you was wrong even before I reread that part of my story. They were talking about their intolerant parents, and Jodi was the one who brought up her best friend and lover from high school, saying something to the tune of, "Remember when they used to love Katie? Back before they found out the two of us were in a relationship, that is." She goes on to say a few more sentences about how shocked and angry their father was when she told him she was a lesbian and in love with Katie.

It was after that discussion of their parents that Lexi asked about Jodi's latest girlfriend, and what had happened to their relationship. While you are correct that the two sisters most likely talked since the breakup, some people tend to hold stuff like that inside for awhile because it is too painful to discuss right away. I've seen it before firsthand, so it would make perfect sense for Jodi to not want to discuss the details of the breakup for several months.

Anyway, that's my opinion on it. You are welcome to your own. Again, thanks for your review, and sorry if I missed any commas in my reply.