7 reasons not to mess with a child

[Guest]

Just got this from the email group from church. I especially like #7.



7 reasons not to mess with a child

#1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales and brought up the subject of Jonah.

The teacher said it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal it had a very small throat.

The little girl stated that Jonah was indeed swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."



#2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



#3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked them,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



#4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or be unhappy
one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma,
how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



#5) The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy
a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead. "



#6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."



#7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head
of the table was a large pile of apples. The nuns made a note and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

At the other end of the lunch line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

[cloudy]

I got that a couple of years ago from a friend of mine. My personal favorite is the second one - never fails to give me one of those evil grins.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I like number 5 too...LOL
Fabulous SSS.

 

[Guest]

That is what I like about children that age, they are still free thinkers and have not yet been stifled by the notion that honesty is rude.

 

[Belegon]

I have a younger brother and a sister...

I like number 3.

 

[English Lady]

I like number 3 too belegon...a younger sister here

I love number 4 too *chuckles*

Kids are grand. Anyone seen any of the childrens letters to God? I love those.

"Thank you God for the baby brother but really I wanted a puppy!" Is one that sticks in my mind...

or

"Dear God are you really invisible or just really good at hiding?"


*LOL*

 

[doormouse]

Just got this from the email group from church. I especially like #7.



7 reasons not to mess with a child


#5) The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy
a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead. "

LOL!!!

Too cute

 

[AdrianBlack]

LOL! nice one.

 

[snooper]

Another one I liked:

Mother is driving little girl home from Sunday School.

Child: "Mummy, is God everywhere?"

Mother: "Yes, dear."

Child: "Mummy, please don't run over Him."

 

[Guest]

I remember another one -

It was Easter morning, and the pastor had just called the kids up to the front for a children's sermon. Everyone was dressed in their finery, and he leaned down to a sweet-faced little girl of about four years in a pretty and pink dress.

He told the girl how pretty her new Easter dress was.

She remarked (and loudly carried by his cordless mike) "Yeah, but my mommy says it's a bitch to iron."

 

[eric shawn listo]

Sarahh,

Thanks for the laughter. #2 is my fav. That and your location which is a place we all seem to be mid-west, east-coast or the moon.

eric shawn

 

[TheEarl]

#7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head
of the table was a large pile of apples. The nuns made a note and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

At the other end of the lunch line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Thank you for that Sarahh. Made I larf.

The Earl

 

[Edward Teach]

Osama bin Laden

When the hunt for bin Laden was going strong with is picture on TV every day, my 6 yr old granddaughter asked:

"Mommy, they want to find that man, why don't they just aks the person who keeps taking his picture?"


Ed

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

*

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.


*


1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching your children to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.


*

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

 

[Weird Harold]

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

...

My favorite Bill Cosby gag of all time -- for those interested, it's the track "Brain Damage" on the album "Fatherhood" and there's a lot more to it than this snippet.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Re: I remember another one -

It was Easter morning, and the pastor had just called the kids up to the front for a children's sermon. Everyone was dressed in their finery, and he leaned down to a sweet-faced little girl of about four years in a pretty and pink dress.

He told the girl how pretty her new Easter dress was.

She remarked (and loudly carried by his cordless mike) "Yeah, but my mommy says it's a bitch to iron."

Loved that one. It's the kinda thing M and her kids would get into!
I embarressed the hell out of my mother when I was 5, and a group of old ladies asked the little girl to sing something for them - expecting something along the lines of "Baa baa, black sheep".
Me, I sang:

"Hey ho, sailor Johnsson,
the wind's getting stronger,
last night has passed,
and Constantia's leaving.
Have you cried with your sweetheart?
Have you kissed your mum goodbye?
Have you finished your bottle of booze?
Then sing HEY HO!"

 

[cheerful_deviant]

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

I love this one.