69 in divine

[P. B. Walker]

69 is divine

Requesting feedback on the first story I've gotten submitted here at Literotica. It's a pretty short story. I have longer stories I'm currently cleaning up. I will be submitting those soon. If you have a few minutes please give it a read and let me know what you think (and a good vote doesn't hurt ). I just submitted some edits to the story, so it should be pretty cleaned up.

Title: Oral Delights
Author: P. B. Walker
Category: Erotic Couplings
Description: Man and woman in an explosive 69.


Thanks.

- PBW

 

[Guest]

Honestly, I liked the story; but I was a little surprised and let down by the last paragraph. I think you should leave it out and let the reader enjoy the wonderful sensuousness of the fantasy/dream.

 

[LustyLovers]

We enjoyed the idea behind your story. Let's go with the positives first: The descriptions of the action brought on vivid imagery; both of us could see what was happening and relate to it. It was well paced, didn't dwell on any one activity to the point where we lost interest, and had us looking forward to what was coming next.


Negatively, repeating words in the same sentence has always bothered us. Lines such as " ...slid to her knees between his spread knees..." and "...sweaty chest to my stomach and felt the thick, gooey liquid coating my lower stomach" have always seemed to make the sentence, and therefore the action, somewhat awkward. We also agreed with HotScribe's opinion that the sudden ending took a little something away from the story; although we agreed that might have been your point; to show the vast differences between a fantasy dream and harsh reality!

Overall we liked your story and look forward to reading more of your work!

Bob & Reb

 

[LustyLovers]

oops..posted twice. Sorry!!

 

[P. B. Walker]

Thanks all for the great feedback.


Yes, the last paragraph was on purpose. I wanted it to be a little uhmm... "wake up call" so to speak. It also explained why there was no story/plot development or character development. Hope that helps explain it.

Thanks again,

- PBW

 

[SLAM]

very good....

 

[mskittykatt]

Hello and well met P.B.
I'd have to say the only problem i really see is the near impossibility of taking her in a 6-pack hold with her on top of a 69... perhaps i'm just not that flexable ((smiles))
happy writing and good luck with the tedious editing!

 

[P. B. Walker]

Huh?

mskittykat could you elaborate on what you mean?

I had to go back and re-read the story to make sure, but the man in the story does not use any "6-pack" hold, at least that I could tell. The man in the story uses fingers from one hand inside her pussy and a thumb from his other hand in her asshole. By "6-pack" hold I assume you mean how people use their thumb, middle finger, and ring finger to hold a 6 pack of cans (beer, etc.). I agree, that kind of hold would be very difficult in a 69, no matter if she was on top or bottom.

Hope that helps...

- PBW

 

[mskittykatt]

LOL Sorry P.B. I must have misread that =) I didn't realize that both hands were being used for that hahaha ((((blush))))

 

[P. B. Walker]

<grin> no worries Ya had me scared there for a second when I first read your post. <winks>

- PBW

 

[Hitchhiker]

69 you got it there matey

P.B. You have to thank mskitty for this feed back your story.

Nice story havent voted yet but will.

Confushus he say "Man who go to bed with hard problem, Often wake-up with sticky solution"
That was for the last pargraph keep up the good work and like wise read my stories.
Go to search enter author Hitchhiker and bingo. You will also I hope like "A funny thing happened" Yes its all very true if fact I've left quite a lot out wouldn't wont to be responsible for anyone having heart failure whilst reading.

KEEP ON ......

 

[Wanderer D]

I'm going to try my hand at giving feedback since I've requested the same from RW.
My feedback is more from a reader's standpoint rather than a writer's. You're my first victim, so don't mind me too much.


Overall I had a good image of what was going on and I definitely enjoyed the acts themselves. The only thing that put me off was what seemed like an occasional overuse of adjectives for body parts, especially in the same sentence.
Here's one example: His large hands roughly gripped her soft ass cheeks, pulling and twisting them as he moved her around on his probing tongue.
It wasn't often, but every now and then I got that 'hitch' in my mind, where the flow of thought hits a bump. I read your story twice through and it seemed to flow much better the second time, so I'm not really sure why I had a hard time (no pun intended) with it the first reading.

I didn't mind the last paragraph at all. Makes me wish I actually had wet dreams.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Wanderer D

Thanks for the feedback. I know what you mean about the overuse of adjectives. Someone else mentioned that to me also. I am working on getting away from that in my newer stories. I tend to over describe simple things.

Thanks,

- PBW

 

[justgem]

.

 

[WickedEve]

P.B. I read your story. By the way, I'm an adjective nut too! lol Or I should say that I'm a really crazy adjective using big, silly nut!
Anyway, the last paragraph was okay. The story would have been okay with it or without it.
I do agree with LustyLovers. I hate to read the same word twice in a sentence. That's usually easy to correct. I always check my stories, and try think of other words. Yours is simple to fix. Change "slid to her knees between his spread knees" to "slid to her knees between his spread legs." Little things like this can really help.

Keep writing, P.B.

Eve

 

[P. B. Walker]

justgem

Thank you for the feedback I do appreciate you all reading my stories. I've bookmarked your page and will do my best to read your stories very soon I'll send ya feedback in email or something

I know exactly what you mean about the paragraph sizes. It looked fine in Word. Then posted it here and the paragraphs were huge. I've actually submitted edits to that story and made the paragraphs smaller.. but I guess they still appear big. I'm working on that with my new stories also.

Thanks again,

- PBW

 

[P. B. Walker]

WickedEve

Thank you so much for reading my story and providing feedback. I really appreciate it. That seems to be one of my little problems that I need to fix... using the same word more than once in a sentence. They are easy to fix, but sometimes I just don't notice them.

Thanks again,

- PBW