4-2-03 Sexy Chelle

[KillerMuffin]

She's finally decided to sacrifice herself to us! She's been really good to us, so let's be good to her.

--------------

Okay, a first for me - I'm placing a story up on the sacrificial altar. Thought I'd give those of you who want a crack at something I've done. (But I know this is a good bunch to do it in!)

The story is Illicit Weekend and it is in the Erotic Couplings category - which means low views and low votes. It has just posted as today, and I haven't receive much feedback yet. Here are questions I would have, please add your own comments as you feel compelled.

1. Is the title something that might "grab you"?

2. Did you guess what the secret was before the story ended?

3. How did the fact that the story ended on a sad note affect you? Did you expect there would be more to the story?

4. Sex scenes: hot enough? long enough? short enough? just right?

5. Do you think this story would have been more enhanced had it been told in first person, rather than third person?

6. Is the ending too moralistic?

I know - a lot of questions. But any answers, feedback, opinions, or comments you wish to share would be appreciated.

Thank you!

 

[the_bragis]

Hello SexyChelle,

Good oldfashioned cyber sex, yep there are quite a few stories written about it. This is certainly one of the better ones. I really enjoyed it. Especially the sex, yes great sex descriptions are what erotic stories are all about! And Chelle, yours really did it for me.

I guess if I had to criticize the story itself, I would have to ask how and why were they both so willing to get into a little bdsm? It wasn't mentioned earlier in your story. They had a very polite greeting and some cheeky chats, so to me this just seemed a little out of character for them. I mean it's not the sort of thing you just happen to fall into now is it?

Readers clicking on an 'erotic coupling' story won't be looking for, or expecting that theme to pop up. Less than one in eight people has any kind of interest in bdsm. Let's face it some people don't like it even one little bit. Don't misunderstand me, I"m one of the minority, I enjoy it, and I enjoyed what I read in your story, but I wouldn't go searching that category for it. I'm often wrong, but I think I'm right on this issue, I think it's may effect your rating.

The other basic 'problem' I saw was the number of times you used 'she', particularly in the first few paragraphs. 'She' had a name later in your story. I think you should have used it from the start, and perhaps begun a few sentences with verbs to break the feeling of repetition.

Now onto your questions:

1. Yes the title did 'grab' me, it suggests something naughty, which of course it is, and I like that .

2. I did suspect the ending, but probably only because I had read your questions first. It's an unfortunate fact of life on the net that things like that are bound to happen, so while it might have been a 'surprise' ending, it's not surprising.

3. I can't say the sad ending affected me one way or the other, I don't really know why. It just didn’t. Perhaps I would have felt more 'attachment' to the characters if there had been more of an emotional build up to their relationship? Perhaps if the phone message had been more upset than anger? If she had been sobbing into the phone as she recorded it perhaps? Maybe then I would have felt more. I don't really know.

This story was basically set around a weekend, as the title suggested, so no I wasn't expecting more. Of course if you decide to write a follow up I would love to read it.

4. How were the sex scenes? The sex scenes were red hot! They sizzled! They made me sweat! Made me hot and bothered! In short, yes - they worked well for me.

5. First person instead of third? Well that's an individual thing really isn't it? Sure I'm sure it would have worked well in the first person, in fact, now that I think about it, reading it as a female, it may have made it a more emotional read, but it's hard to so say when there's nothing to compare it with. Why don't you whip up another one tonight after dinner and we'll have a look at it in the morning? Please, I'm just kidding! I think this story will have more appeal to both sexes, as it is, written in the third person.

6. Is it too moralistic? Morals? What are they? I don't consider things like that one way or the other when I'm reading erotica, so no.

This is what else I noted when reading your story:

It's good 'hook' at the start. I wanted to know what she was up to? Who she was meeting? And why she was nervous? I wanted to know, and I needed to read more.

At first, they only chatted in the chat room. What else can you do in a chat room? Mmm... Some will disagree with me here I know, but it's still superfluous.

But she found she couldn’t help herself. She did love him, and a few months later, he said those same words to her. This reads awkwardly to me. I think it might have been a smoother read with something like - "She couldn't help falling in love with him. "I love you," she typed on the screen one night. A few months later he told her the same thing. '.



He met her and they stopped, an awkward moment suddenly arising.
Chele, this is pretty much the pivotal part of the story isn't it? I think perhaps you could have drawn on the characters feeling a whole lot more here. This awkwardness between then just seems to pass very quickly without any explanation. Also, you have almost no dialog up until this portion of your story. Particularly since they were 'chatting' I think it would have been nice to include a few snippets of their conversation.

“Jay?” She asked hesitantly, as though he were truly an apparition and would disappear before her very eyes.
This is really nice imagery, it really is, only I think ‘were’ should be ‘was’ (singular). Again, if I"m wrong, someone in here will jump on me

Smoothly, Jay ordered their drinks
Smoothly? I understand what you mean, but I think you could have come up with something more interesting here, particularly since your other descriptions are very strong, they make this one look weak.

I know people who know a lot more about writing than me always say write a story, then leave if, come back a month later and cut up to a third out. Well I wouldn't have thought you needed to cut anything like that, but I still felt there were a few superfluous words thoughout your story. I mean it's not a big deal, but for me at any rate, and keep in mind I'm just your average reader, it just slowed down a good read. You may agree or disagree with me on these examples. Others more experienced than me, might say I am completely wrong, but that's ok, it won't be the first time.
When the drinks arrived, the conversation flowed even more easily. They found(-They found) they shared a common sense of humor, among other things, and the laughter was (-was, + flowed) almost non-stop. Soon, Jay’s fingers were lightly stroking her shoulder, then moving slowly up her neck and toying gently with her earrings. (Very nice!) She felt a shiver as his fingers brushed her skin, and(-and) she returned his touch by lightly running her hand along his arm. She could feel her body responding to his touch(-to his touch), and (-and) (new sentence) she knew she wanted him. (comma) But he hadn’t given any indication that(that) he was looking for things to go farther. She began to wonder, and then as she turned towards the bar and the nuts on the counter (-nuts on the counter), she felt his hand rest lightly on her thigh. She almost jumped, but instead (-almost jumped, but instead) tried to act nonchalant. She turned to face him, placing her hand on his and smiling directly into his eyes. He returned her smile and then let his fingers wander over her thigh, creeping up under her skirt until his fingers barely touched the silky feel of the thong panties* she wore. (-she wore)The look that passed between them was smoldering,(The look that...this sentence just sounds weak to me, I would love to see something much stonger there) and Sheri knew he wanted her as much as she did him. He continued to tease her as he talked to her, daring her to maintain a normal expression and demeanor. (that last line is lovely.) - It wasn’t long before they arrived at his hotel. He checked in and had his luggage taken to his room(-and had is luggage taken to his room)'.

*Thong panties
Well again I could be wrong, but I think a thong is a thong, and panties are panties. Mmm..what an interesting debate this could make?

Sheri stumbled towards it and sat down heavily.
Drop heavily - I understand what you mean, but try to find another way to say it. Adverbs aren't an author's friend. Again this is weak against your stronger descriptions.

...murmuring encouragement to him.
Oh yea baby, show me what you got! Again little voyeurs like me, want all the sweet details. So please don't hold back.

Tears came freely and fast.
Again this could be just me, but I felt this verb and adverb read awkwardly. Maybe - 'fast and free'?

She sank into the cushions of the couch and hugged a throw pillow to her. She buried her face into the pillow and cried her pain and sorrow until she was sobbing
It's a sad fact of life that most of us have been there and done that isn't it?

Overall, I thought this is a very good read. I prefer happy endings, but then I have a friend who enjoys nothing more than having a cry over a sad story. Everyone is different I guess.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day now,

Alex. (fem)

 

[lustforlife74]

Killermuffin,

I love the end to that story.

 

[SexyChele]

My apologies for not being here when this was put up - I was having too much fun in New Orleans on vacation!

Bragis, the BDSM elements came into the story because most of what I write erotically comes from my own experiences and/or fantasies, and I am one of those in the minority. However, I can see the point you made and will rethink some of those scenes in the future.

I thank you for your comments! You've given me quite a bit of good feedback to consider and help me out in future stories. I need to refine what few editing skills I have (always better at looking at other people's work rather than my own), and concentrate on the final product.

Again, thank you!


Lustforlife - I'm glad you liked the end the end of the story. I was a bit concerned that people would want happy, feel good endings.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

SC,

I second Alex’s observation that you overused “she” – especially in the first five paragraphs where it appears 23 times with 9 of them being the first word of sentences. Toss in “her” 14 times and you get a mess of pronouns.

This is a totally subjective matter, but I've never liked “hiding” a character’s name. IMHO it’s important to quickly give the reader some way of identifying with a POV character. One of the problems I had with your story was not knowing enough about the characters to be able to connect with them.

Later in the story, a sentence began, “He continued to tease her as he talked to her, daring her…” That’s “he” used twice and and “her” three times in just twelve words.

--“Perhaps we can make good use of this this (change on of them or add something in between) weekend?”

IMHO, the overuse of pronouns such as he, she, her, etc. reflects the general wordiness of this story. One of chief by-products of wordiness is a slow pace. That, combined with the first sex not occurring until after 25% of the story is finished, (which won’t please a lot of Lit readers) will probably insure a low score. And that’s a shame.

Except for overuse of pronouns, wordiness, and lack of character development, this is a good story. Your grammar and spelling are commendable and the plot is well-organized. Keep writing, critiquing, and posting. Read your stories out-loud with the goal of spotting and deleting every non-essential word, and study how some of the good writers around here handle similar scenes.

Hope some of this helps. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, comment, or cuss words you want to share.

Rumple Foreskin

--


1. Is the title something that might "grab you"? Yep

2. Did you guess what the secret was before the story ended? No, but then I didn’t try to guess.

3. How did the fact that the story ended on a sad note affect you? Did you expect there would be more to the story? Not at all and no.

4. Sex scenes: hot enough? long enough? short enough? just right? Well done

5. Do you think this story would have been more enhanced had it been told in first person, rather than third person? Yes. That might have giving the reader a more complete image of the female.

6. Is the ending too moralistic? Naw. I figured she was lucky to get rid of the sorry SOB, especially w/o being left with some virulent STD to remember him by.

 

[Pure]

Hi SC,

It was a good read, and generally I agree with Rumple F. The writing is competent, rather straightforward. The odd adverb sort of stood out. You move right along--with patches of prolixity-- until the surprise. The writing is pretty free of the common typos and misspellings that one sees in these parts. Generally cliches are avoided. Since you are a person of writing ability, I offer the comments below in full confidence that you could fix things here or in later writings. I don't usually bother critiquing crappy stuff or stuff by those unable to comprehend issues.

I wouldn't say that the essential problem is pronouns, because reducing them wouldn't not be sufficient. Closer to the problem is that the 'subject' (grammatical) of so many sentences is the girl or the guy. However, the broader and essential problem of style is lack of sentence variety. There are three or four types that repeat a lot. {Influence of Hemingway? ) There's a fair number of 'doubles', where structures of adjacent sentences roughly match--don't know if that's intended. Examples:


{rare grammatical slips}

Smiling at her, his hands were at the waistband of his trousers, playing with the zipper.

Guiding her with his hand on the small of her back, they walked towards the hotel bar.


{doubles}
Reaching down, she closed her hands around his cock and began to stroke him, delighting in the feel of him. Holding his cock close to his body, she ran her tongue along the shaft, flicking and playing with the bulging veins.

He sucked her pussy lips between his lips and slowly released them, sending her into ecstasy. He slowly moved towards her clit and toyed with it, flicking it gently, running his tongue around it slowly.

She screamed at the feel of the tender skin being once more abused, but he quickly began moving in and out of her. Her juices quickly soothed the tender flesh and he began to slide in and out easily.

Turning on the warm water, she let it seep over her skin, easing her aching body. She stayed in longer than normal, wanting the time to leave to never come.

She looked up at him and tried to smile. He came towards her and hugged her tight.

He walked to his luggage and moved towards the door. She grabbed her bag and her purse and followed him.



I'm unsure about the 'story' part. There are a couple clues about the surprise in the off-again on-again. Maybe not quite enough knitting together.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but my opinion fwiw is that the 'story' needs a little enriching; the discovery that a hot date--even a long awaited one-- is married, somehow seems not enough. (Esp. since it's common to lie to a first date.)


The wife's message is rather wordy. If you want impact, have it be something like, "Been fucking Sam? He's married. You're the fourth weekend fuck. Think he'll be back? Dream on, slut."

Be briefer in describing the aftermath. Less is more.

>1. Is the title something that might "grab you"?

so-so

>2. Did you guess what the secret was before the story ended?

no, though I tried.

>3. How did the fact that the story ended on a sad note affect you? Did you expect there would be more to the story?

well, it's a story of disappointment, a bit sad, but all too common.
Yes, I thought there might be more. see above on 'story'.

>4. Sex scenes: hot enough? long enough? short enough? just right?

all the 'slut' talk was a bit unexpected, kinda out of the blue. except for the slut talk, the sex was fairly uncomplicated.

>5. Do you think this story would have been more enhanced had it been told in first person, rather than third person?

no. it was very first person-ish, in any event. It would be harder to make the proper clues in the first person.

>6. Is the ending too moralistic

no.

I hope you keep writing; you have lots of technical proficiency and good imagination. I generally admire the stories and get a kink--I mean 'kick'-- out of most of them.

 

[TheEarl]

Hey Chele,

Sorry this has taken so long to write. I may not be quick, but I get there in the end. Congratulations on putting something up here. I'll try and be gentle, but you have to remember everything I say is a matter of opinion, so feel free to ignore mine.

I don't often read Erotic Couplings, so I probably wouldn't have seen this if it wasn't here, but I liked the title. It's the kind of thing that would jump out at me.

I love the opening three paragraphs. They really set the scene beautifully. My one gripe is the complete lack of a name. I generally disapprove of stories sans names and I think the first sentence coud have started off with a name instead of a 'she.'

I'm about 8 paragraphs in and I haven't found anything wrong. Not even a comma missing. Doesn't mean there isn't anything wrong, but that the quality of your writing has distracted me from the actual reviewing.

she wished she had had time

Aha! Finally found something. I know this choice of words is probably unavoidable in this situation, but you'd probably havebeen better served by using the concatenation: 'she wished she'd had time.' It reads better for some reason.

Then, at the end of the row of the passengers, she saw him.

Took me ages to work out what I didn't like about this sentence. Turns out that you have three 'the's in close succession. I'd lose the third one as it seems a bit superfluous.

When I put a story up here someone criticised my use of long words, saying that it felt as though I thought of a short one, then went for the thesaurus. Here's proof I actually do use those long words in conversation - I've already used 'concatenation' and 'superfluous' and I'm not even a third of the way through the story yet.

Damn, but you look better than in all the pictures

Interesting choice of words. Not necessarily wrong, but I'm not sure about the 'but.' Would you use those words? More importantly would your character? You're creating an impression of him with his choice of words and something that off-beat creates a definite image that may not be the one you want.

She wrapped her arms about him in a hug and breathed deeply of his cologne.

This seems strange to me. Not sure why; It's something in 'breathing deeply of his cologne.' I don't like the 'of,' but I'm not sure why or what an alternative would be. Very helpful, I know.

“Oh, um, here – “She quickly

Typo with the speechmarks. Also, it's not correct English punctuation to denote trailing or unfinished speech/thought with a dash. It's usually better to use an ellipsis. I say English grammar, because I'm aware there are differences between the correct version and American English D) and I don't know most of the American ones.

Sheri secured the back, as Jay got into the passenger seat. As Sheri slid behind the wheel, she was suddenly conscious of her skirt riding up.

No names for ages, and now you're overloading them. I know you introduced the names in speech, but I felt, as this is 3rd person, they could just have been introduced in action as soon as the characters entered.

BTW What's an SUV? I'm sure it's something that every American knows, but it's gone straight over my head.

They found they shared a common sense of humor, among other things, and the laughter was almost non-stop

Slightly pedantic, but if they've been talking over the internet for ages, then wouldn't they have found out about each other's sense of humour already?

Sheri lost count of the number of drinks she had, and when she finally slipped off of the bar stool she could barely walk.

This disappointed me when I first read it. If she's litzered, then the sex isn't going to be as good unless you break continuity and sober her up. Either that or they're not going to do it tonight. I'd prefer that to the other two options.

She breathed deeply of his scent and felt her body turning to liquid

Again the same choice of words. It seems a slightly...archaic way of putting it. Can't think of an alternative. I love the metaphor though.

“You first, my angel,” he whispered softly.

Bloody hell, the man's a saint. Generally speaking, men don't have enough blood for both ends of their body and if someone's sucking on one end, then there's got to be a damn good reason for anything else to get through to the brain. Notice the complete lack of comment before this. Loved the picture I got of the blue thong and bra. Mmmm.

His tongue made its way along her lips and probed her folds. His finger moved in and out of her, her juices covering him. He sucked her pussy lips between his lips and slowly released them, sending her into ecstasy. He slowly moved towards her clit and toyed with it, flicking it gently, running his tongue around it slowly.

Four sentences starting with his or he. Bear in mind that if I wasn't reviewing, there's no way I would have noticed. I had to reread this bit to force myself to critique it, rather than just read it.

I want to cum on your mouth

On his mouth? Presumably typo.

Ah damn. Disappointed he came in her face. Don't like this myself.

You will notice that I haven't found anything to say about the second page, except for Damn. Sorry, I can't give you any critiquing on that bit. I've tried and every time I keep getting sucked back in.

Wow. Didn't see the ending coming. To be honest I quite like the way it ended on a downer. It would have been just too happy happy if it had ended with a declaration of undying love. Was a bit confused about the wife though. This bloke's had two internet affairs and his wife is saying 'Leave him alone'? Isn't she going to leave him rather than just issue a 'hands off'?


I think it works so much better as third person than it would 1st. I get the feeling you wanted it to be 1st, or have written a previous version in 1st person though. It's just the way you introduced the names. I think it is much better in 3rd though. Enhances the betrayal. Plus first person while drunk wouldn't have been good.

This is a superb story. Top notch: brilliant writing, hot sex and something I didn't expect at the end. Kinda depressing that I would probably have missed this had it not been put up here.

I rarely go and find work by a particular author, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. If there's anything else like this, it'll be an exception well made.

Thank you.

The Earl

 

[openthighs_sarah]

Hi SexyChele! I'm also late to the party, but I brought plenty of chips and drinks and stuff.

Overall Impressions

I thought the story worked very well. It changed gears several times, from dreamy romance to hardcore fucking to emotional shock, and I think you handled the changes wonderfully. I wouldn't have minded a little more of a transition into the hardcore sex talk when they made it back to the bedroom -- I loved the dialogue, but I would have identified with the character more if she had been startled at first, and then suddenly become even more aroused. Especially since Jay's character switched so abruptly from sweet-talking to dirty-talking. (But again -- I liked the dirty-talking.)

Details

First page...

The room was spacious, but quite like any other hotel room in any other major chain. Comfortable with a huge king-sized bed in the middle of the room. Sheri stumbled towards it and sat down heavily.

The second sentence is a fragment, but I understood the intention well enough. Also, I would rather see a simple pronoun late in the paragraph like that, rather than her name. And "towards" should be "toward" ("towards" isn't actually a word, even though I'm sure I've used it before, too). With slightly modified punctuation and a few words omitted, it would read:

The room was spacious, but quite like any other hotel room in any other major chain: comfortable, with a huge king-sized bed in the middle of the room. She stumbled toward the bed and sat down heavily.

Further down...

“Oh, um, here – “She quickly opened the doors to the rear of the SUV, and he tossed his luggage into the back.

Regarding TheEarl's comment above: I don't mind the closing dash, and it has a very different meaning, to me, than a closing ellipses. A dash signifies a sudden stop, an interruption, while the ellipses represents a fade without an explicit interruption. (This is true with written American English, at least.) My concern with the paragraph is only that I didn't understand what was happening, exactly. The other character had just made a comment, but this dialogue wasn't really in response to his words, and I thought it broke the flow of the story just for a moment.

”Then cum, bitch. Let me feel that sweet pussy grab at my cock.”

I liked that. A lot. I don't know why, exactly...

Second page...

“Hello. I suspect you don’t know me. Or that is what you might say if you were there. However, I know you. I know you from the emails and letters you’ve been sending...

I agree with Pure, here -- this paragraph runs a bit long. I realize you're trying to get in two pieces of information here -- that he's married and that this has happened before -- but Pure's rewording would be a good alternative.

Another alternative would be if she got an email from the wife instead of a phone call. Her message might read better (in terms of believability) as a written note, and it would tie in with the rest of the story nicely (since this is how their relationship started in the first place). If Sheri was excited about clicking on an email from "Jay", and it turned out to be from Jay's wife, the shock (for the reader) would be even more unexpected.

Last paragraph...

She buried her face into the pillow and cried her pain and sorrow until she was sobbing, vowing never to trust any man she met over the internet again.

This is very raw and expressive, but in some ways I would have liked the story to end sooner. The way it ends seems too neat, in a way, as if the character has some kind of closure because she's learned her lesson. But she doesn't have closure, not yet -- she's just been hurt, badly. I would have preferred to have it end exactly like that -- with her hanging up the phone, and then... silence.

Questions and Answers

1. Is the title something that might "grab you"?

It's decent, but I'm more likely to read a story because of the description or the author's name, I think.

2. Did you guess what the secret was before the story ended?

Yes, but not because it was too obvious. It's just that I've read some other things you've written, and I knew the story wouldn't have interested you if it was too cliched.

3. How did the fact that the story ended on a sad note affect you? Did you expect there would be more to the story?

No, I expected something upsetting or surprising. And since it was in the "Erotic Couplings" category (rather than, say, "Romance"), my bet was on "upsetting" (for whatever reason -- just my nature, I suppose).

4. Sex scenes: hot enough? long enough? short enough? just right?

Very well done, and I loved the dialogue. You did a great job of showing her losing herself in the sex (and in the whirlwind of emotion), I thought.

5. Do you think this story would have been more enhanced had it been told in first person, rather than third person?

No, first person would have seemed too much like a sob story, I think, and the emotion might have seemed forced. You picked the right voice.

6. Is the ending too moralistic?

See my note above.

-----------------

In Conclusion

Very well-written story, colorful and intense sexual imagery, great dialogue, filled with obvious emotion. Some repetition with word choices, sentence style, etc., but overall it flows very nicely -- I had no trouble falling into the story.

Good work, and thank you for the story!


sarah

 

[Guest]

Hi,

I'm rather new here, but was directed to your story (quite sternly, actually) from another thread. Mazel tov! You've definitely got some staunch friends out there.

For what it's worth, here's my 2c after having read Illicit Weekend:

1. Did the title grab me?
Well, grab how? Certainly, it was tantalizing -- if I were in the mood for something slightly risque, I'd probably click on it and read. On the other hand, if you mean "grab" as in reach-out-from-the-billboard-and-throttle-my-attention, then I confess it didn't. It's a tasteful title, rather than being one that screams at the reader.

2. Guess the ending?
Yes, although not the anger. When you described Jay as having moved someplace where he had less privacy, wasn't as accessible, and tossed in the bits about him taking care of some finances, the possibility that he was married did flit through my mind. But that didn't ruin the story.

3. Was the sad ending a disappointment?
Firstly, I want to say that I really enjoyed your story. You did a great job of creating anticipation, and I liked the easygoing, sometimes-humorous flirtation online and during the ride from the airport. All of that set a very nice mood.

What may have been a tad jarring for me was the abrupt shift in mood at the end of the story combined with the very truncated space devoted to Sheri's devastation -- especially after how richly and painstakingly you built up the playful camaraderie and intense attraction between your two characters. The sadness/anger/betrayal isn't necessarily a problem in itself -- I just felt like I was left hanging a little (wondered if you were planning a sequel).

4. Sex scenes
HOT! Definitely steamy. Granted, spanking and epithets such as whore, cunt, slut are not much of a turn-on for me. But you really set a seductive mood with your descriptions, both of the physical attention that the characters laved on each other's bodies, and of their reactions to what was done to them. Shoot, I'm going to have to go back and take notes!

5. Which person POV?
I think the way you wrote it works fine. First-person POV might have come across as a cautionary tale. Although...is that what you were aiming for?

6. Too moralistic?
Well....okay, so the ending is a bit blunt. No matter how good something seems, you can always get burned. You didn't belabor the point, though. About the closest you came to stating anything like a moral to the story was when Sheri promised herself that she would never trust a man she met on the Internet again. But this came across as a believable, self-protective gesture while she was still smarting from the disappointment and betrayal. It didn't come across as a sort of preachy, "And nobody in their right mind should ever get involved in anything remotely sexual online". So, with that said, it was a tad moralistic (in the sense that there was a message to the story), but not so overboard that it made me gag.

So...yeah. Thanks for a very enjoyable read. Hope you hear from tons of other folks.

Best wishes,
Ravenwood

 

[SexyChele]

First, thanks to TheEarl for the PM alerting me to the fact that there was more out here to read!

Second, thank you all for the great feedback. I really do appreciate it, and will be printing these off to help me in the future. It seems most are in agreement that I am overly wordy. Yes, I know. It's an area that really needs to be worked on.

Oh, and Earl? An SUV is a Sport Utility Vehicle, and yes, it is most commonly used in the US. I think and Australian friend of mine referred to it as something like a "people mover"? Does that sound familiar? They are sort of a cross between a car and a van, or a truck that is completely covered and seat anywhere between 5 - 7 people.

Again, thank you everyone!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It's a very good story in my opinion, and I totally bit on the end: it came as a complete surprise to me. I never saw it coming. But there's a reason for that as I'll mention below.

As far as title goes, I just don't know. This title is not really a grabber, but I can't think of anything better offhand. I have a hard time with titles of my own here anyhow, and with a story like this you have to be very careful with what you reveal. From your list of questions you wanted answered, I already knew there'd be a sad ending, although this was not the ending I suspected.

But in all fairness, you didn't give us any reason to suspect that anything was amiss up until the point that it happened. Yes, he had a period of "financial difficulty" 6 months before that cut down on his time with her, but that in itself isn't suspicious. So what you've done is blindside us with the ending. I know: you wanted us to be as shocked as she was, but still, there are certain authorial conventions and traditions of fair play in treating your readers by foreshadowing. I mean, come on! Play fair!

I think the real art in a story like this is to have the ending solve a mystery and still surprise the reader: "Oh! So that's why he acted this why! I should have known!" This one came out of left field. It's like he said goodbye and then we learn that his plane had crashed and he was killed. That's a shocker ending too, but it's not really fair: it's not a real story.

Admittedly, this is a matter of the author's sense of obligation to his readers, but by not foreshadowing you lose something else: the dramatic tension.

I found myself getting bored partway through, and if I hadn't read that hint about the sad ending I might have stopped reading. My boredom wasn't sur to anything inherently bad about the story: it just seemed like it was going to be an idyllic, everything-is-perfect encounter story, which I happen to find boring. Without the hints that something might be wrong, there was no dramatic tension after they met, and the story seemed strangely flaccid.

I think it might have helped if we knew more about Sheri: where she was coming from and just what it was she was hoping to get out of this, even if she wasn't sure herself. You gave us very little character to work with, and what you gave us was pretty much generic female. So I guess I saw the ending as a shock rather than a tragedy from her point of view. I didn't much care about her because I didn't know her at all.

Another thing I missed was her thoughts and emotions while this was going on. In fact, this might have been the weakest part of the story for me. I was reading that first sex scene, and I could tell it was well-written and descriptive, but it just left me cold, and only now do I realize that it was because I didn't know what she was feeling or thinking. There was no emotional dimension at all. Was she wildly excited, was she doing this against her better judgment, what? Plus, you had her get drunk, which is like an intentional device to tell us that she didn't feel anything; she wasn't even fully responsible for what she did.

I was surprised that you had her get drunk. I guess you wanted an excuse for her to have to stay at the hotel, but really, I couldn't believe that she would be so naive as to think that he was coming in just to shake her hand and chat and then go home. She at least would have thought about spending the night. (I'll bet she would have had an overnight case in the back of the car.) So having her get loaded just seemed a way of excusing her from what she did.

So the first sex scene felt flat to me. I didn't feel the desperation and excitement I'd expect from a meeting like this. Also, men stripping just kind of embarrasses me anyhow. I mean, what kind of guy is going to do that? On a first encounter? Waving his ass in her face?

Because the last sex scene had emotional content--their parting--it had much more life and I found it much more arousing

Mechanically and as far as writing skills go, I think you're above reproach. I did wonder about the scene in the bar when he's about to tiouch her thigh and she reaches for the bar nuts. Bar nuts? That just kind of caught me up short, a strange thing to put in. And I would have found another word for face than "mug" for him to use (twice) at the airport. I haven't heard anyone use that term since Jimmy Cagney.

The ending was good, although that last sentence has to go: that thing about her never trusting any man she met on the internet again. It's terribly anticlimactic and seems to imply that the whole story boils down to no more than a simple moral.

I thought you did a a particularly good job on the wife's phone call. I just thought you nailed it: what she'd say, how she'd say it.

I like thatyou had him call her too and try to apologize. I'm sure most people will vote me asshole of the year for saying this, but I kind of sympathize with the guy too. No one's completely evil in real life. Did she ever ask him if he was married? Did he ever ask her is she were married? Would it have mattered to her? You don't say. Yeah, he seems like a jerk to use her like that, but sometimes you would be a jerk to refuse what's offered to you as well. It's not all goodguys and badguys. There's a hell of a lot of gray out there.

Really, there's much more good stuff in here than there is bad, and it's an excellent story. Very good job.

---dr.M.