Caledonia, Festus!
It rains here all the time,
and I swear by Luppiter Victor!
all the females are ugly.
Merda! She scratched me with her nails
when I asked her what her name was
in the few words I know of their tongue.
I thought she was going to bite mine
there in the roundhouse
after the blue men had fled,
but that cunnus hissed instead
a hot foul spittle that dribbled
from my chin down on her neck.
The prefect says there are 18 tribes.
I believe it, Festus, because
I've seen the map that Plutarch drew
of all the Outer Hebrides
where by the thyrsus of Bacchus pray
the women there are tinier
after we breach their bastions
the haruspex said will happen
when he picked at the sheep's entrails.
*"anno urbis conditae" from the founding of the city. DCCLXXXVII AUC would be 92 AD.
I'm traveling in a time machine,
the right side of five in our '53 Dodge,
on my back on the way back shelf,
looking up at light bulb stars
as we drive through some Allegheny
tunnels heading for Illinois,
Mom and Dad in the front seat,
thermos of coffee, no belts,
Mom humming On Wisconsin
where Grandma and Uncle Ken
make home-made vanilla ice cream
in a cabin up in the Dells,
but there came a day I stopped swimming
in water I drank where Dad threw me in
in my dreams of pristine rivers
when I fell off my bed one November,
and soot from Allentown mine shafts
hung heavy over the sandlot
diamond where we joked about bosoms,
mopheads, and Pillsy who shoplifted beer
on hot summer Sundays when family dogs
chased baseballs instead of deer.
So I went back in my time machine
but a tunnel of white lies swallowed
Grandma, turned into a popsicle
of ice without any juice,
while Uncle Ken, strapped to a caisson,
kicked dogs that nipped at his hooves.
He's a prince
in Kansas City,
Little Lord Fauntleroy
in his mama's house
his big hands folded still
fingers laced and yes
ma'am napkin on his knees,
nothing out of place
with gentle Ben
but set him down
around 18th and Vine
among some lesser
men, give him a taste
or two then best get
out the way. It's time
to wail cottontail--
You commas will have to wait your turn and quit trying to sneak into the audition. Also if you went to Oxford, you won't be needed unless there's a list (and maybe not then, either).
There will be no fraternizing between periods and ellipsis points. Any child born of such union shall be treated as an extra ellipsis and sent home immediately.
Semi-colons, colons and dashes please be defensible. You may not participate without a clear raison d'être. En-dashes shall be considered for hyphenation only, while ems may apply for pauses slightly shorter than periods.
Quotation marks please remember to face each other.
Numerals, slashes and other typographical symbols should probably just leave now. If comic or otherwise quirky material is added later, we'll call. Interrobangs?! Probably not.
Acronyms and emoticons, WTF? You are not even punctuation. You won't be except under the most unusual circumstances, so quit trying.
Don't any of you expect to play more than a supporting role, even when you're the subject. Be unobtrusive unless otherwise instructed.
I wanted to be Mr. Bill Bradley
from the N. Y. Knickerbockers
professional basketball team
whose tall body trunkated
6 feet 5 to his sneakers
size 12 or perhaps 13
unlike yours truly 2