KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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Rumple Foreskin said:
3-2-03 Rumple Foreskin
- Thread starter KillerMuffin
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Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
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COME ONE - COME ALL! (no pun intended, honest)
Let's get this butt kicking over with so a good story can get a turn on the bulls-eye.
Out of the nine stories I've submitted to Lit, this is the fourth one with both black and white characters, but the only one I've placed in the Interracial Love category.
I've had many positive comments on this story and what's for me a lot of views and votes. In addition to the usual slings and arrows, I'd like to know what you think about the job I did with the male character. My goal was to make him a believable guy living in the mid '70's, who is black, married, horny, and lusting for his female boss who happens to be white--and to do all that without resorting to any overt racial stereotypes.
Feedback on this and any other aspect of the story will be appreciated.
Rumple Foreskin
Let's get this butt kicking over with so a good story can get a turn on the bulls-eye.
Out of the nine stories I've submitted to Lit, this is the fourth one with both black and white characters, but the only one I've placed in the Interracial Love category.
I've had many positive comments on this story and what's for me a lot of views and votes. In addition to the usual slings and arrows, I'd like to know what you think about the job I did with the male character. My goal was to make him a believable guy living in the mid '70's, who is black, married, horny, and lusting for his female boss who happens to be white--and to do all that without resorting to any overt racial stereotypes.
Feedback on this and any other aspect of the story will be appreciated.
Rumple Foreskin
TheEarl
Occasional visitor
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Hey RF. Usual disclaimer: I don't mean to be this harsh, sorry if I've upset you, I mean not what I do, etc. etc.
"I couldn’t believe what was happening. There I was, hauling ass across town, dodging drunk drivers and running red lights, while this sexy white nurse named Donna Faircloth was gobbling on my Johnson like it was the last dark meat on earth and she hadn’t eating in a month."
Good hook. A little cheesy, but nice hook. Don't understand why he's dragging a donkey across town though...
A cuddly body suggests to me a woman who is slightly plump or homely. But then you go on to describe a hot blonde. I get confused so easily.
Some words like 'classy fox' 'lousy lays.' They sound like you're going over the top to point out when this story is set. they're a bit cheesy to be honest.
When is this story set? If you hadn't said here, then I wouldn't have a clue.
“Lady, you’re acting all tense and nervous, kinda like I do when Brenda’s been playing real hard-to-get. You and old Clay having problems?”
Lady? Old Clay? Over the top. Leroy is a little stereotypical too.
Roscoe is a very obscure word. Only ever heard it in one of your stories before and you run the risk of confusing people.
when my big, black Johnson sliced fast and deep into that blonde-haired pussy.
Don't like this sentence. Nasty images. Not keen on the word Johnson either, but I suppose it's period (which you still haven't specified in the story). Notice the huge gaps between the last comment and this one. I liked the stuff in between.
When she shouted, “Oh, yes!” it sounded like she’d just won the lottery.
Lol. I like that.
It took a little coaxing before she gave up feeding on old Roscoe and let me put him to work at his natural occupation, fucking.
And that’s what it was; a no-holds-barred, straight man-on-woman fuck that, I’m proud to say, lasted for ages and left both of us sweaty, tired, and for the moment at least, totally sated.
Not enough. Cop out here. If you didn't want to write a second sex scene, then don't, but don't get our hopes up and then just gloss over it like that.
Overall a good story. I feel you overplayed some of the character references, but maybe they were necessary. Not too literary, but it got me going.
The Earl
"I couldn’t believe what was happening. There I was, hauling ass across town, dodging drunk drivers and running red lights, while this sexy white nurse named Donna Faircloth was gobbling on my Johnson like it was the last dark meat on earth and she hadn’t eating in a month."
Good hook. A little cheesy, but nice hook. Don't understand why he's dragging a donkey across town though...
A cuddly body suggests to me a woman who is slightly plump or homely. But then you go on to describe a hot blonde. I get confused so easily.
Some words like 'classy fox' 'lousy lays.' They sound like you're going over the top to point out when this story is set. they're a bit cheesy to be honest.
When is this story set? If you hadn't said here, then I wouldn't have a clue.
“Lady, you’re acting all tense and nervous, kinda like I do when Brenda’s been playing real hard-to-get. You and old Clay having problems?”
Lady? Old Clay? Over the top. Leroy is a little stereotypical too.
Roscoe is a very obscure word. Only ever heard it in one of your stories before and you run the risk of confusing people.
when my big, black Johnson sliced fast and deep into that blonde-haired pussy.
Don't like this sentence. Nasty images. Not keen on the word Johnson either, but I suppose it's period (which you still haven't specified in the story). Notice the huge gaps between the last comment and this one. I liked the stuff in between.
When she shouted, “Oh, yes!” it sounded like she’d just won the lottery.
Lol. I like that.
It took a little coaxing before she gave up feeding on old Roscoe and let me put him to work at his natural occupation, fucking.
And that’s what it was; a no-holds-barred, straight man-on-woman fuck that, I’m proud to say, lasted for ages and left both of us sweaty, tired, and for the moment at least, totally sated.
Not enough. Cop out here. If you didn't want to write a second sex scene, then don't, but don't get our hopes up and then just gloss over it like that.
Overall a good story. I feel you overplayed some of the character references, but maybe they were necessary. Not too literary, but it got me going.
The Earl
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
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- 11,109
TheEarl and Morwen,
I appreciate you two taking the time to read my ramblings and give some feedback. It's evident I wasn't nearly obvious enough with the story's time frame. I'd thought/hoped the reference to "Disco crap" on the radio would set the period as the mid '70's.
As fellow writers, I want to share something with you. I've taken eveything you've said about the names and vocabulary with a grain of salt since I failed to adequately clue you about the time. However, let's check on a few names with the U.S. Census Bureau site at: http://www.census.gov/genealogy/names/
In 1990, Faircloth was the 5342 most common family name in America (there are over 80,000 names). This places it ahead of Cotton, Hewett, McGinty, Byron, and Fairmont (which isn't listed) BUT well behind Fairchild which came in at 2260.
As for old stereotypical Leroy, it was the 144 most common male first name, a fact which will probably be of absolutely no interest to artist Leroy Neiman.
It's a funny thing about Clay Faircloth. For some reason, that first name struck several folks as a reach. However, it comes in at 464 (just ahead of Cary, Jan, Bret, and Trent) out of over 90000 first names.
Those are facts. What's important is that your subjective, gut reaction was that the names weren't well chosen. On this international, multi-cultural, and multi-generational site, maybe I better stick to the first three on the list: James, John, and Robert.
Thanks again for the input.
Rumple Foreskin
I appreciate you two taking the time to read my ramblings and give some feedback. It's evident I wasn't nearly obvious enough with the story's time frame. I'd thought/hoped the reference to "Disco crap" on the radio would set the period as the mid '70's.
As fellow writers, I want to share something with you. I've taken eveything you've said about the names and vocabulary with a grain of salt since I failed to adequately clue you about the time. However, let's check on a few names with the U.S. Census Bureau site at: http://www.census.gov/genealogy/names/
In 1990, Faircloth was the 5342 most common family name in America (there are over 80,000 names). This places it ahead of Cotton, Hewett, McGinty, Byron, and Fairmont (which isn't listed) BUT well behind Fairchild which came in at 2260.
As for old stereotypical Leroy, it was the 144 most common male first name, a fact which will probably be of absolutely no interest to artist Leroy Neiman.
It's a funny thing about Clay Faircloth. For some reason, that first name struck several folks as a reach. However, it comes in at 464 (just ahead of Cary, Jan, Bret, and Trent) out of over 90000 first names.
Those are facts. What's important is that your subjective, gut reaction was that the names weren't well chosen. On this international, multi-cultural, and multi-generational site, maybe I better stick to the first three on the list: James, John, and Robert.
Thanks again for the input.
Rumple Foreskin
G
Guest
Guest
only for you RF
Okay, I will resist pointing out every last misuse and typo... BUT
if I hadn't been reading this for you, RF, I would have hit back so fast when I read this: "and she hadn’t eating in a month." ARRGGHH!
I think the name is fine, it just doesn't need to be in the first paragraph... no guy cares what her name is.. just that she is a good piece of ass.
I found the style to be choppy when I read it.
This didn't make sense to me:
"What really turned me on, besides her looks, was her being so much smaller than me. I must be a foot taller than she is, probably weigh at least a hundred pounds more and I’m not bragging-it’s just a fact-that I’ve got a major league hammer. But while she might be a little short, she’s not tiny. Her figure, especially the full hips and great ass, told me her body could handle the challenge. "
You start out saying that the important thing is she is so much smaller than you, and then you end with her "being able to handle the challenge. Had me re-reading the paragraph.
"a classy looking fox " is an odd use of the terms... 'fox' is fine... just live it there.
Maybe this is guy logic but I didn't understand how this related to him describing his wife. " So maybe now you understand why I may like, even respect, Donna but can’t help being totally turned on by her. "
I had a difficult time believing Donna's dialogue.
The "I'm here to testify/tell you/say.... " got tiresome.
And you used "then" a lot.
You also told us how foxy/gorgeous/hot/beautiful she was a lot. I know that is part of the 'voice', but it is at odds with his super-cool persona.
"So I changed my position,"... to what? You didn't tell us what new position you went to in the back seat of the car.
"It’s not like I was trying to be romantic, you see; I was just in a rush. Anyway, I bent over so she could reach down and pull back the covers, then I carefully laid her on the sheets." Were you in a rush, or were you being careful?
“I love a lady who’s goal-oriented,” and "inter-racial relations" ... are two of the few breaks in vintage tone.. definitely an 80's phrase.
I got very confused when you said you "took her ass" and then later you were stroking into her snatch.... I have to admit I was relieved you hadn't forced anal on her so quickly.
Donna's last lines were awkward to me. When I read them aloud, it just didn't work for me.
General Comments:
You need someone to copy edit for you. The mistakes (he for she, pparently....) were a big distraction. Flow is what the first person narrative demands, and errors and awkward syntax detract from the flow.
I think you lost some of Leroy's persona in the effusive telling. To whom is he addressing this story? If it is to guys, I would think that he would be a bit 'cooler' in his description... you hit it overtly a couple of times, but then lose it with his overflowing descriptions of Donna.
I got a little uncomfortable with the last sex scene... he hasn't come across as a dominating guy yet, yet you don't make his urgency great enough to justify his force any other way. The cleaning her up afterwards also undercuts this.
I can't remember in which city this is set, but if it is a southern city, I don't know that you have made Leroy and Donna's interactions plausible for the era. The whole authority thing and stratification of the races was still a very real thing. Perhaps if you allude to him attending a northern university where race wasn't as big of a deal... but even then, I think that their relative employment at work would have been a bigger deal.
Even in the 80's when I was at a southern university tutoring black athletes there was a deference shown... now that may have been because their coaches told them they had to be nice to me....... but, it was weird to me, coming from Chicago.
AND... the names were just fine to me. If I had to balk at one it would be Donna because it immediately called to mind Donna Reid... but perhaps that was your intention.
I preferred this one to the preceding telling.
b
Okay, I will resist pointing out every last misuse and typo... BUT
if I hadn't been reading this for you, RF, I would have hit back so fast when I read this: "and she hadn’t eating in a month." ARRGGHH!
I think the name is fine, it just doesn't need to be in the first paragraph... no guy cares what her name is.. just that she is a good piece of ass.
I found the style to be choppy when I read it.
This didn't make sense to me:
"What really turned me on, besides her looks, was her being so much smaller than me. I must be a foot taller than she is, probably weigh at least a hundred pounds more and I’m not bragging-it’s just a fact-that I’ve got a major league hammer. But while she might be a little short, she’s not tiny. Her figure, especially the full hips and great ass, told me her body could handle the challenge. "
You start out saying that the important thing is she is so much smaller than you, and then you end with her "being able to handle the challenge. Had me re-reading the paragraph.
"a classy looking fox " is an odd use of the terms... 'fox' is fine... just live it there.
Maybe this is guy logic but I didn't understand how this related to him describing his wife. " So maybe now you understand why I may like, even respect, Donna but can’t help being totally turned on by her. "
I had a difficult time believing Donna's dialogue.
The "I'm here to testify/tell you/say.... " got tiresome.
And you used "then" a lot.
You also told us how foxy/gorgeous/hot/beautiful she was a lot. I know that is part of the 'voice', but it is at odds with his super-cool persona.
"So I changed my position,"... to what? You didn't tell us what new position you went to in the back seat of the car.
"It’s not like I was trying to be romantic, you see; I was just in a rush. Anyway, I bent over so she could reach down and pull back the covers, then I carefully laid her on the sheets." Were you in a rush, or were you being careful?
“I love a lady who’s goal-oriented,” and "inter-racial relations" ... are two of the few breaks in vintage tone.. definitely an 80's phrase.
I got very confused when you said you "took her ass" and then later you were stroking into her snatch.... I have to admit I was relieved you hadn't forced anal on her so quickly.
Donna's last lines were awkward to me. When I read them aloud, it just didn't work for me.
General Comments:
You need someone to copy edit for you. The mistakes (he for she, pparently....) were a big distraction. Flow is what the first person narrative demands, and errors and awkward syntax detract from the flow.
I think you lost some of Leroy's persona in the effusive telling. To whom is he addressing this story? If it is to guys, I would think that he would be a bit 'cooler' in his description... you hit it overtly a couple of times, but then lose it with his overflowing descriptions of Donna.
I got a little uncomfortable with the last sex scene... he hasn't come across as a dominating guy yet, yet you don't make his urgency great enough to justify his force any other way. The cleaning her up afterwards also undercuts this.
I can't remember in which city this is set, but if it is a southern city, I don't know that you have made Leroy and Donna's interactions plausible for the era. The whole authority thing and stratification of the races was still a very real thing. Perhaps if you allude to him attending a northern university where race wasn't as big of a deal... but even then, I think that their relative employment at work would have been a bigger deal.
Even in the 80's when I was at a southern university tutoring black athletes there was a deference shown... now that may have been because their coaches told them they had to be nice to me....
... but, it was weird to me, coming from Chicago.AND... the names were just fine to me. If I had to balk at one it would be Donna because it immediately called to mind Donna Reid... but perhaps that was your intention.
I preferred this one to the preceding telling.
b"Back in the circle again?" (Sorry, couldn't resist!)
RF, overall I felt the story was likable. I think more in the beginning than towards the end, you tried to make the character of Leroy talk to the audience. He was an engaging character, and I liked him.
However, I felt Leroy lost a little of his charm as the story continued. It was just a little overly long, and, as stated above, the ending seemed out of order somehow.
You do not state in the story that it takes place in the 70s, and I think you could have avoided trying to place the story there at all. I'm wondering why you did? I did catch the verbal nuances from the period such "shuck and jive", 'disco crap", "honky". But they seemed thrown in almost as an afterthought. In the 70s, as I recall, either people were extremely proud of crossing race lines in sexual ways, or it was totally taboo. You really didn't make this one or the other.
As with Bridget, the last sex scene confused me as well. The remark about taking "possession of her ass" then turns into fucking her pussy. Just a bit confusing. Also, the whole idea of Leroy almost seeming to force Donna to bend over the chair just seemed out of character to me.
I did enjoy reading this, however. If it were just a bit shorter - perhaps cutting out the middle sex scene? I think it would have been an even better story.
RF, overall I felt the story was likable. I think more in the beginning than towards the end, you tried to make the character of Leroy talk to the audience. He was an engaging character, and I liked him.
However, I felt Leroy lost a little of his charm as the story continued. It was just a little overly long, and, as stated above, the ending seemed out of order somehow.
You do not state in the story that it takes place in the 70s, and I think you could have avoided trying to place the story there at all. I'm wondering why you did? I did catch the verbal nuances from the period such "shuck and jive", 'disco crap", "honky". But they seemed thrown in almost as an afterthought. In the 70s, as I recall, either people were extremely proud of crossing race lines in sexual ways, or it was totally taboo. You really didn't make this one or the other.
As with Bridget, the last sex scene confused me as well. The remark about taking "possession of her ass" then turns into fucking her pussy. Just a bit confusing. Also, the whole idea of Leroy almost seeming to force Donna to bend over the chair just seemed out of character to me.
I did enjoy reading this, however. If it were just a bit shorter - perhaps cutting out the middle sex scene? I think it would have been an even better story.
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
Hi Rumple,
I read the first version of this a while back, and certainly for me, this newer one does have more sizzle about it.
This is what else I noted as I read your story this time around:
I like this conversational style of writing, that seems to come easily with first person stories.
To be perfectly honest, I really just don't get what's so intriguing to readers about interracial stories. So it's kind fo difficult to for me to comment on that side if it.
I'm not sure why you want readers to think the story was set in the seventies. Is there some sort of significance here with a black man being with a white woman back then in the US?
Here in Australia we get bombarded with stuff from the US on TV and at the movies, but I still had trouble figuring out many words and expressions. That had me stopping regularly and rereading, and that's probably not a good thing.
I would have enjoyed a little more seduction, and perhaps a little more guilt on both sides. She just seemed to agree to meeting with him so easily. Especially since both characters had ties, I think a little more 'no we mustn't do it , no we shouldn't do it ', would've given it a heap more excitment, when they actually did do it.
I did get a little confused with the descriptions of the last sex scene, but not to the extent that I didnt 'still enjoy reading it.
As his supervisor, I thought that could have been an excellent opportunity for her to be the dominate one sexually. Now wouldn't that have given you an interesting writing challenge Rumple? Maybe that's just me though. Mmm..... yes it is.
Oh, and just for the record.
I couldn't believe it; she was a natural blonde.
I'm a natural blonde. The hair on my head is very pale, yet further down it's quite a bit darker. And before you ask - no you're just going to have to take my word for it.
I wish you well with your future writing,
Have a great day,
Alex (fem).
I read the first version of this a while back, and certainly for me, this newer one does have more sizzle about it.
This is what else I noted as I read your story this time around:
I like this conversational style of writing, that seems to come easily with first person stories.
To be perfectly honest, I really just don't get what's so intriguing to readers about interracial stories. So it's kind fo difficult to for me to comment on that side if it.
I'm not sure why you want readers to think the story was set in the seventies. Is there some sort of significance here with a black man being with a white woman back then in the US?
Here in Australia we get bombarded with stuff from the US on TV and at the movies, but I still had trouble figuring out many words and expressions. That had me stopping regularly and rereading, and that's probably not a good thing.
I would have enjoyed a little more seduction, and perhaps a little more guilt on both sides. She just seemed to agree to meeting with him so easily. Especially since both characters had ties, I think a little more 'no we mustn't do it , no we shouldn't do it ', would've given it a heap more excitment, when they actually did do it.
I did get a little confused with the descriptions of the last sex scene, but not to the extent that I didnt 'still enjoy reading it.
As his supervisor, I thought that could have been an excellent opportunity for her to be the dominate one sexually. Now wouldn't that have given you an interesting writing challenge Rumple? Maybe that's just me though. Mmm..... yes it is.
Oh, and just for the record.
I couldn't believe it; she was a natural blonde.
I'm a natural blonde. The hair on my head is very pale, yet further down it's quite a bit darker. And before you ask - no you're just going to have to take my word for it.
I wish you well with your future writing,
Have a great day,
Alex (fem).
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Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
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- 11,109
Oh, heckie darn, Alex.
First of all, my thanks to you, BK and SexyChele for all the input. I really do appreciate the time and thought y'all put into them.
It's a funny thing about that "natural blonde" crack. The "inside" joke is he's lying-a fact I didn't make obvious enough. They're riding in a car at night. IMHO, there wouldn't be enough light coming from the dash or street to illuminate that portion of a seated female's anatomy.
SexyChele, I've got to give myself another "my bad" when it comes to that last scene. What I did was make a re-write error. The original female character had long legs. Donna is a shorty. Without getting one of my five foot friends to help out with a show and tell, I don't think Donna could have leaned over the back of a standard, institutional arm chair w/o having her feet dangling in mid-air. (I've got to remember that image if I ever try to write a funny Lit story.)
As for why the '70's, I've got the worst of all possible answers. That's when the situation that inspired this story occured. While I was attending college way down South in the land of cotton, a married, white co-worker of my wife had a daliance of sorts with a black orderly who actually was a married pre-med major. Just to add spice to the story, her husband was a deputy sherriff.
I've already apologized to BK by PM about the spelling screw-ups. As I explained to her, I'd been tinkering with this yarn for weeks. It was my first try at writing a Lit story in first person so I was focusing on that aspect. The moment it came up on the board, the first thing I saw, sticking out like a big pimple, was a "he" which should have been a "she". That's when I realized little moi hadn't done anything but run the spell checker. One more, "my bad."
Thanks again to all three of you for your time, trouble, and input.
Rumple Foreskin
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