3-10-03 the Bragis

[KillerMuffin]

I meant to get this up a little earlier, sorry guys!

From the Bragis:

I would appreciate feedback on my recently rehashed story:The Secret of My Success


Although this is written in the first person, it's a total fantasy. I chose first person because I wanted to give it an 'intimate' feel - like I was chatting with a friend. I have read other stories on Lit written like this, and I really enjoy them.

I am particularly interested in the following aspects:


- If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention?

- If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have
read it all?

- Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?

- Was the dialog consistent and realistic to how you envisaged the characters to be?

- Was there enough desciption generally, or were there areas that weren't clear enough?

- Alternatively were there areas you felt like skimming over?

- Were the sex scenes realistic and easy to follow?

- Certainly I wasn't trying to rival Rumple here, but did the number of categories covered in this story make it more or less interesting for you?

- And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?

Thank you,

Alex.(fem)

 

[TheEarl]

Morning Alex,

Usual disclaimer: You're better than me, this is all just a matter of opinion, so feel free to ignore mine, I know not what I do, etc. Anyway, with the rate Muffy's rattling through the stories, mine'll be up soon and you'll have a chance for revenge.


The title and blurb: Unfortunately didn't have time to find the story in the index, so couldn't see the blurb, but the title probably wouldn't have attracted my attention. It seemed slightly...generic. I dunno why.

I rarely read erotic couplings, so I probably wouldn't have read this.

Now into the story:
Leaning back in my soft leather chair, and gazing out the window at the wonderful view, I pondered it all.

I don't like this sentence as I think you'vepulled this trick (switch tense to give continuity) too many times in the first para. Would have written this: I leant back in my soft leather chair and gazed out the window at the wonderful view while pondering it all. Slightly clumsy, but I think easier for the reader.


We had a special kind of relationship even before that fateful day. Some times we would play funny little games with each other. Like I would stare at him and lick my lips, he would look and stop mid sentence, and then he would smile and continue. Other times I would just sit there sucking my index finger as I listened to him, and he would try not to notice. Once when I was bending over one of the desks, I looked over my shoulder and caught him having a good long look at my ass. So I bent over a little farther for him.

Good descriptive paragraph. I see the first person as something of a tease and Mr Milhouse as someone who's willing to play along, but didn't expect anything more. Good character buildup.

It was my first year at university, It was a good year, and I learned so much in that first twelve months.

Arggh. Misused commas. The comma after 'university' should be a fullstop or semi-colon and there shouldn't be a comma before and. Except possibly at the end of a list, which was discussed in a previous critique. But definitely no comma there. Bad Alex. THOU HAST AROUSED THE WRATH OF THE COMMA GOD!!

I still remember what I was wearing the day we began our 'private lessons', a tight little red skirt and long black boots, and, I remember how it all began.

Very confusing sentence. I understand what you mean, but only after staring at it for a few seconds and saying 'What the fuck??' For a start the comma after the 'and' and before 'I' is superfluous as it makes the 'and' a separate clause. Confused? I'll bet you are.

Basically, you should only encircle something in commas if the sentence would make perfect sense without that something. eg. "Mr. Millhouse was, and probably still is, a very attractive man with dark hair and golden eyes." would still make sense if you just wrote "Mr. Millhouse was a very attractive man with dark hair and golden eyes."

I still remember what I was wearing the day we began our 'private lessons', and, I remember how it all began.
This is fine. However, there are two commas round the 'and' which suggests that it can also be removed:

I still remember what I was wearing the day we began our 'private lessons', I remember how it all began
Not good. Where was I?

Oh yes. This sentence is horrifically complicated because you're expressing too many things at once. Try saying it out loud and realise how convoluted it is. IMHO the same information can be got across more elegantly:

I was wearing a tight little red skirt and long black boots the first day we began our 'private lessons.' I can remember so clearly how it all began.

Just my opinion.


It was in intensely boring subject

Typo. Just call me Mr Pedant.

I once again began pondering how handsome he was

Pondering? Second time you've used this word in the story. I dislike it myself and don't think it fits your first person character, but even if you want to use it, I think its a once-a-story kind of word.

I just couldn’t keep my mind on what he was saying, as I enjoyed him watching me also.

This sentence seems slightly false. 'I enjoyed him watching me also?' Would you really say that? Maybe: I couldn't keep my mind on what he was saying; I just enjoyed him watching me or I just couldn't keep my mind on what he was saying. I sat there, enjoying his gaze and daydreaming.


"An example of a void contract would be if a student had sex with her handsome tutor, in return for passing that student in an exam, which she would have otherwise failed. Sex, although essential to most people, has no monetary value as such, therefore the contract having no consideration as such, would be void under the provision of offer and acceptance."

Oh lol. I like this. One of the more original sex lines I've seen in erotica.


Wow, lost myself in the story there. Very good passage where I completely forgot I was supposed to be critiquing the story rather than reading. This brought me out of it though:

I was so innocent, I was worried it would stain, but of course it didn't.

You've stated that she went to a Catholic school, has never seen a dick before and has only masturbated late at night. You've done a very good job of showing us that she's an innocent little girl and you go and spoil it by blatantly coming out and telling us. IMHO this entire sentence is unnecessary.

"You’re still a virgin aren’t you Dominique," he asked.
Question mark. Mr Pedant.


What was it I was always told at school? Nice girls don't! Do what? Fuck? Have fun?

I decided right then and there - I didn't want to be a nice girl.

Good line. I like this. Your sex scenes have so far been so enveloping that I've failed to comment on them. I think that's probably a better compliment that I could ever give you verbally. Especially considering how pedantic I am about my critiques .


No pun intended here, but he showed me how use my whole fucking body, to get whatever I wanted from any fucking man.

Too much. She hasn't sworn at all in her thoughts before this and I think the two 'fuckings' are OTT. Sounds like she's contracted Tourette's. No comma before the 'to' as well. Only add commas where you would need to pause if you were speaking the sentence.

He took that bitch and fucked her right there up against the door.

If she's going to swear in her thoughts, I think you need to introduce it earlier. It sounds superfluous if you do it now.


Onto the rest of the questions:

Dominique came alive to me. I liked her. I liked Professor Heath as well; he was funny. Not sure about Mr Milhouse or Mrs Jamison. The dialogue for Dominique was odd at times (the occasional outbursts of swearing), but overall it matched the character.

The number of categories covered didn't really make it more or less interesting to me. I'm not really into BDSM and didn't get the whipping scenes. I thought the bits with Professor Heath were funny rather than arousing. I would have preferred another in-depth sex scene because of this though. The scenes with Milhouse and Jamison made me hot, but there was nothing arousing after that for me. Maybe just me.

A smile on my face? Hell yes . Big grin in fact. This was a really good story. Don't take too much notice of the pedantic stuff I picked out; I probably wouldn't have noticed most if I'd just been reading for entertainment. Just keep some of them in mind for your next story, which I will await with excitement.

The Earl

 

[SexyChele]

I'm going to start off by saying that I found this to be an enjoyable read. It was not "heavy" or "involved" and simply allowed me as a reader to kick back and just enjoy the ride. I like those stories. I wish I could write more of those stories!

I noticed many of the thing The_Earl brought up in regards to punctuation and confusion in sentence structure, so I won't go there. I think he covered it well enough.

So, with that, I'll get straight to the questions. I was as honest as I could be, and though these may sound harsh, the answers are my honest reactions.

1. If you were scanning through the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention?

The title probably wouldn’t, but the tagline might cause me to click on the story to see what it was about.

2. If you weren’t reading this to give feedback, would you have read it all?

I must shamefully admit that I rarely read stories anymore unless it is for feedback purposes. So, while my answer would probably be no, it is not because of the story but my own time limitations.

3. Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?

I would have to say no. They felt rather stereotypical, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy them. I did find myself thinking that the character of Dominique was a bit of a stretch – she goes from innocent, all-girls school virgin to slut a bit too quickly. At least, that is my opinion. I think it would have been more believable to have her resist more.

4. Was the dialogue consistent and realistic to how you envisaged the characters to be?

I would say yes, in keeping with my answer above.

5. Was there enough description generally, or were there areas that weren’t clear enough?

I thought there was enough description, and everything was clear. I found myself thinking the story might have flowed better had Dominique gone from Mr. Millhouse to Mr. Heath, and leaving out Ms Jamison. With that, there might have been more story development or character development.

6. Alternatively were there areas you felt like skimming over?

Nope, I read the entire piece.

7. Were the sex scenes realistic and easy to follow?

For the most part yes, especially between Mr. Millhouse and Ms. Jamison and between Mr. Heath and Dominique. I found Dominique’s almost instant delight in sucking cock to be a bit beyond realistic, given her background. Also, the idea that she climaxed so quickly just from being entered brought a smile to my face. That was very unrealistic, in my opinion as a female.

8. Certainly I wasn’t trying to rival Rumple here, but did the number of categories covered in this story make it more or less interesting for you?

At first it confused me a little. It almost seemed to be going into BDSM, and I couldn’t figure out why it was in EC. Once I got past that (which was fairly quickly), I just sat back and enjoyed the read. I thought the distinct difference between Mr. Millhouse (dominance) and Mr. Heath (submissive) to be especially intriguing.

9. And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?

Yes, I did

I think it's fair to say that there were some things The_Earl and I disagreed on, and I find that interesting! Of course, I do find BDSM to be arousing, so the idea that Mr. Millhouse and Mr. Heath were such opposites, and that Dominique found herself in the position of a "switch", kept me intrigued.

But, to be truthful, I didn't find any of the characters all that believable. However, I did find them enjoyable. Does that make sense?

Overall, I would say this is a good story - light, fun, and enjoyable.

 

[Moyds_jewel]

editorial comments

As the Earl stated, are just another person's perspective. I hope you find mine useful.

First off, your basic story premise is going to turn off the more pc of your readers. Either way you look at it: A) she’s fucked her way to the top OR B) she’s exploited the weaknesses of the men to get to the top, she is not a sympathetic character. This may not matter to most of your readers and keeping in mind that this IS an erotic story type and there ARE all kinds “out there..”

<I>Sitting in my office the other day, I felt smug.</I> <B>Right off the bat, you lose me. Smug people piss me off and I don’t care to read about ‘em</B> <I>It's very spacious and no expense has been spared in fitting it out. Why should it be? I can afford it all, and more. Leaning back in my soft leather chair, and gazing out the window at the wonderful view, I pondered it all. Yes, it's true, I am a very successful woman. Now please allow me to tell you about the man I owe it all to.</I>

It’s an awkward first paragraph and ends with a preposition no less. And for those readers who are strictly here for the sex…what keeps them reading? Here’s a sample re-write:

<B>Leaning back in my soft leather chair and gazing out the window at the breath-stealing view, I pondered my situation with no little complacency. My office is spacious, richly appointed, no-expense-spared ostentation. Yeah, it’s true. I am a <I>very</I> successful woman. And I owe it all to fucking one man. If you’re interested, I’ll tell you about it.</B>

<I>Mr. Millhouse was, and probably still is, very attractive man with dark hair and golden eyes. Although he would have been somewhere around forty at the time I knew him, he had the physique of a much younger man. He had a beard too, and I have always had a weakness for men with facial hair. </I>

Actually, this feels like the third paragraph to me, not the second. I would move ‘em around like so:

<B> It was my first year at university and it could not have been more different from High School. You have to understand I had only just graduated and my education at Saint Mary's High School, an all girls' school, had been very strict and old fashioned. Which is why, I suppose, I was so ready for what happened. It was – and I have to laugh - a Very Good Year.
We had a special kind of relationship – Mr. Millhouse and I - even before that fateful day. Some times we would play funny little games with each other as he lectured. Like I would stare at him and lick my lips, he would look and stop mid sentence, then he would smile and continue. Other times I would just sit there sucking my index finger as I listened to him and he would try not to notice. Once when I was bending over one of the desks, I looked over my shoulder and caught him having a good long look at my ass. So I bent over a little farther for him.</B> note: made editorial changes in sentence structure too. <B>
An attractive man with dark hair and golden eyes, Mr. Millhouse at the time I knew him would have been somewhere around forty but he had the physique of a much younger man. He had a beard too and I have always had a weakness for men with facial hair.
I still remember what I was wearing the fateful day we began our 'private lessons,’ a tight little red skirt and long black boots…</B>

Dialog. You wrote:

<I>"Dominique, I need you to stay behind for a few minutes."

He waited until all the other students had left, then he closed and locked the door before turning to me. I remember his expression was very stern as he pursed his lips for a moment before speaking.

"You've been a very naughty girl haven't you Dominique?" So he had read it!

I felt my face burning with embarrassment. Why had I been so damned stupid? What had I been thinking? I began to worry that he might report me, and maybe have me expelled. I stared down at the floor, I couldn't bear to look him in the face, but did I managed to stutter, "I'm so sorry Sir, it was very foolish of me, it won't happen again, I promise."

"Now Dominique, what would happen if this paper were to get into the wrong hands? Well?" </I>
In this passage, dialog is stilted because in the first three sentences this professor speaks to Dominique (actually, the first 5), he uses her name every time. This does not happen in real life, especially when two people are alone. The Earl's suggestion to read sections aloud is right on the money. Let your ear do what your eye cannot...listen for flow and meter and 'rightness.' In addition, her thoughts are lumped into the paragraph exposition and make it difficult for the reader to follow what is happening. Lastly, as a reader, I want more emotion, more reaction so I can dive right in and swim next to the characters. My suggested edits:

<B>>"Dominique, stay behind for a few minutes. We need to talk."

He waited until the other students filed out then closed and locked the door before turning to me. I remember his expression as very stern as he pursed his lips and stared at me. My palms started to sweat and my heart rate jumped. Was this about my little prank?

"You've been a very naughty girl, haven't you?"

So he had read it! I felt my face burn with embarrassment. <I>Why had I been so damned stupid? What had I been thinking?</I> I suddenly realized that he might report me and maybe even have me expelled. I couldn't bear to look him in the face and stared ashamedly at the floor.

"What would happen if this paper were to get into the wrong hands? Did you ever think of that?” He was the epitome of stern professor to my recalcitrant student. I swallowed hard. “Well?"

I managed to stutter, "I'm so sorry, Sir. It was very foolish of me. It won't happen again, I promise!" </B>

Character development:

<I>I didn't know what to do. I was afraid he was going to show my paper to the bursar, or worse still, my strict father who was paying for all my tuition and expenses, so I did as he commanded. I held onto the hem of my skirt, and then I bent over his desk. I knew he his intention was to punish me, but to my horror he grabbed my skirt and pulled it out of my grip and right up over my ass. Then with just one quick jerk he had my panties right down around my knees! My mind was racing. Should I just take the spanking? Well it was going to be either him or my father. Only my tutor couldn't cut off all my expenses could he? I heard the cane swinging through the air, and then I felt a sharp burning sting as it struck my bare butt. I cried out, but he just smiled. </I>

Other than some comma misuse which the Earl has so ably pointed out, this is a good paragraph. It brings Dominique’s thoughts forward so the reader can stay engaged.

<I>..He grabbed a handful of my hair, and gently he pushed my head back, then as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he pushed his warm cock between my lips. I was so excited I began to suck immediately, but he gave my head a little jerk telling me, "Don't be so anxious Dominique. Suck slowly to begin with."

It was so hard to do that, his cock just felt so good throbbing in my mouth, but I did as I was told. Sucking gently at first on his cock head, before taking more of it into my mouth, as I flicked my tongue in and out.

"Suck harder now Dominique, you know you can take more. Don't be afraid, I won't let you choke on it. Feel my balls. There's a good girl."

I was very nervous, so I just gently ran my fingers over his balls to begin with. Then feeling a little more adventurous, I cupped his balls in my hand and gently fondled them. They felt cool against my warm and sweaty palms. Then he pushed his cock all the way into my mouth, until it hit the back of my throat, and I felt the roughness of his pubic hair tickling my nose and lips.</I>

This section could be so much hotter (not to mention realistic) if you would spend more time on this young virgin’s reactions to what is happening to her.

<B>..He grabbed a handful of my hair, pushed my head back and then, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, urged his warm cock between my lips.
“Look at me, watch my reactions,” he commanded me, “and cover your teeth with your lips.” And when I obeyed, his smiling praise “That’s my good girl.” Gave me a thrill of joy.

No one had ever told me how hot a cock is, how smooth; no one had ever prepared me for the salty enticement of it. I was so excited I sucked with eager ineptitude.
He gave my head a little jerk.

"Don't be so anxious. Start slowly."

God! His cock felt so good throbbing in my mouth but I did as I was told. My eyes locked on his face, watching him relax, watching him flush with the pleasure I – I!- gave him. Sucking gently at first on the head, I flicked my tongue in and out, learning the shape of him as I took more and more of him into my mouth.

"Suck harder, deeper. You know you can take more.” He tilted his hips, forcing himself deeper, “That’s it. What a clever little cocksucker you are. Now feel my balls, there's a good girl."

Nervously, I ran my fingers over his balls and his eyes glowed down at me with hot approval. I could hardly believe it, that I was here kneeling at my professor’s feet with his delicious cock sliding in and out of my mouth. Feeling a little more adventurous, I cupped his balls in my hand and gently fondled them. They felt cool, rough with hair against my warm and sweaty palms. When he pressed his cock all the way into my mouth and it hit the back of my throat, I gagged and sucked and struggled. He watched me with those gold eyes of his glowing ever hotter while I fought to relax, to accept him so deeply that I felt the roughness of his pubic hair tickling my nose and lips.</B>

<I>I felt an incredible mixture of emotions as he began to fondle my breasts.. </I>
How about sharing with the reader? Just what emotions stormed through her at this point? And why were they ‘incredible?’

<I>I was so incredibly nervous, he was so incredibly calm.</I>
About here it occurred to me that ‘so’ was used sooo often in the story.

<I>My breath became a pant as his cock pressed against my cunt. It felt tight as he pushed it slowly in, but fortunately I was good and wet. As he began to pump me, I just couldn't hold back. I thought my whole body would explode as I let out a loud scream, and I climaxed. </I>
eek! A potentially useful talent, that…turning breath into pants…
Again, you gloss over what could potentially be highly erotic: a more revealing description of her deflowering. And not to quibble…a virgin pussy might feel tight to the man involved, but wouldn’t she feel stretched? Or invaded? Or ..um..Example: <B>When he pressed his cock against my cunt, my lungs stopped working or only worked in short panting gasps.
“Watch,” he murmured as he eased himself deeper, “Watch as your pretty little pussy takes me inside…”
Fortunately I was good and wet, allowing him to slip the head in until he reached my hymen.
“Ahh,” he purred, teasing me with shallow thrusts, “Relax, it will only hurt a moment. Good girl.”
He drew back a little, then thrust forward and the sensation of it! It hurt alright, but the pain quickly turned into indescribable pleasure; of being stretched by something hotly demanding; of nerve endings over-stimulated yet needing more. As he pumped me, driving that fat cock of his deeper each time, I couldn’t hold back. Hell, I didn’t want to hold back. In that moment, I thought my entire body might explode and I screamed. My first cock-given orgasm. Never, ever, would I be the same again.</B>

<I>He managed to keep her away from where I was hiding, and although she couldn't see me crouching in the darkness under his desk, I had a clear view of everything that going on. </I>
I cannot imagine how she managed a ‘clear’ view of the action over by the door and yet was undetectable under a desk.

<I>Again and again, he slammed her body with his. Seeing his tight little ass from behind rocking up against her like that, I had to fight the urge to just jump out and grab a piece of the action for myself. </I>
good descriptive passage.

<I>Biting down on my lower lip was the only way I managed to say silent, when my pussy tightened and forced me into a hard and fast climax</I>
should be ‘stay silent’

<I>He sniffed and returned his attention to the papers on his desk. I couldn't believe the arrogance of the man. I lost my temper; I stood up and slammed my fist down on his desk. Let me tell you, that certainly got his attention. I leaned over and looked him right in the face and said, "Well fuck you!" I didn't care. I didn't have a hope of passing anyway, or so I thought. </I>
Several times during the story, you buried dialog at the end of an expository paragraph. Always give spoken dialog a new line.

<I>His reaction however, was not at all what I had expected. His expression began to change from smug and indifferent to .... I thought for a moment - submissive. </I>
Now this definitely felt contrived. Nowhere to this point have we seen this young woman, who only weeks ago was a sheltered virgin after all, learn about submission and dominance per se. I find the scenario unlikely in the extreme. I think it might have worked if you had introduced a prior sex scene during which Millhouse instructed her on dominating him…

<I>The professor and I had many more fun times like that. We never did actually have intercourse, although I did allow him to tongue fuck me on many occasions. That man was so good, I swear he could have written a book on the subject. What he lacked in looks, he made up for in licking. He may have been a lecturer in business studies, but his real expertise was sex. </I>
This would have been better, not to mention hotter, if you had taken the time to describe a “tongue fuck” and just why this man could have written a book on it. As it stands, it is a flat, unrevealing paragraph.

<I>I am not sure if Mr. Millhouse would agree with me or not, but in many ways by the time I had finished that year, I felt the pupil had become the teacher. </I>

I don’t agree. Nowhere here do you show that he learned anything from her and no offense, but fucking one guy LOTS does not a teacher make.

<I> I watched in amusement as he pretended not to notice my lacey bra was showing. </I>
Passive and ‘ing’ verbs turn vivid action into well…passivity. While I think these verbs have a place in a story, the trick is not to use them too often especially when an active voice improves the action.
<B>I watched in amusement as he pretended not to notice the top of my lacy bra.</B>

Summary:
The story needs more …fleshing out, the characters are somewhat flat with only flashes of what they could be, remove half the commas, exchange half the passive verbs for active ones and limit yourself to one ‘so’ per story.
And keep writing…you do have talent.

jewel

 

[the_bragis]

Thank you.

Hello The Earl,

Oh boy I was nervous about posting this, so particularly since you were first of the rank, thank you for going gently on me.

Yes, my punctuation isn't good. I read all about how to do it, and how not to it, and try to soak up as much advice as I can, but I'm still not up to scratch by a long way, although hopefully I am improving. (Three commas? How's that?)

I was so innocent, I was worried it would stain, but of course it didn't.

You mean like I was stating the bleeding obvious?

A good deal of your advice I can, and will, use in my future writing, and certainly that is what I was hoping for here.

Oh, and on descriptions, didn't you just love this request to Saunders? "Describe, using diagrams where appropriate, the exact circumstances leading to your death."


Thank you for taking time to read and comment on my story.

***

Sexy Chele,

Thank sis .

Yes, you have raised some interesting points, and certainly things that I will ponder. (sorry Earl, I just couldn't resist that one ; ) )

But, to be truthful, I didn't find any of the characters all that believable. However, I did find them enjoyable. Does that make sense?

Actually it makes perfect sense. I love 'The Simpsons', (You see how cultured I am?) but they're not at all believable for me. Since I'm writing about 3D characters, who I want to bring to living breathing colour in the minds of my readers, this is something I will need to take a long hard look at.

I found myself thinking the story might have flowed better had Dominique gone from Mr. Millhouse to Mr. Heath, and leaving out Ms Jamison. With that, there might have been more story development or character development.

Why do you think that Chele? I'm basically straight, but you know I don't mind a little bit of woman to woman interaction. I find it kind of titilating. A little like your avatar... please I'm just teasing.

It almost seemed to be going into BDSM, and I couldn’t figure out why it was in EC.

What can I say? I'm just a sick little bunny, who just can't help drifting back to the bdsm style of story.


Thank you for you time and comments.

***

Jewell,

As the Earl stated, are just another person's perspective. I hope you find mine useful

Yes, that is what I am looking for different perspectives. And yes I did.

First off, your basic story premise is going to turn off the more pc of your readers. Either way you look at it: A) she’s fucked her way to the top OR B) she’s exploited the weaknesses of the men to get to the top, she is not a sympathetic character. This may not matter to most of your readers and keeping in mind that this IS an erotic story type and there ARE all kinds “out there..”

Yes, I agree. I guess almost all of my stories are a bit off beat and will therefore have a limited appeal. I can't help myself. Really, I'm a very 'normal' kind of person. Please, you must believe me! It's just that I have these kinky kinks, that are probably at the kinkier end of most people's kinkiness.

It’s an awkward first paragraph and ends with a preposition no less

Oh great! Now don't' I just feel like the munchkin calling the midget short? Just the other day I pointed out something similar in someone else's story. I should take more care shouldn't I?

About here it occurred to me that ‘so’ was used sooo often in the story.

You are sooo right, and it's occurred to me now that I use that word too much when I talk too. I'm going to have to change.

Thank you (so much) for your time and effort.

************

I'm not sure that I will try to rehash this again, people who know much more than me say a rehash is a waste of time, and it's better to just move one and start over, so a second would probably not achieve much at all.

I sincerely appreciate your time, effort, and comments. I can and will make good use of theses excellent feedbacks.

Now please, if you happen to see me making any of the mistakes that have been drawn to my attention here, don't hesitate to beat up on me. Pulleez!.

Have a great day now,

Alex of the female variety

 

[TheEarl]

Alex: Don't you be so far against rehashing it. I'm a firm believer in rehashing. If you realise that you did something wrong, why not go back and fix it if you can.

Cf. my story which is up for discussion soon which was majorly rehashed after its destruction here.

The Earl

 

[the_bragis]

Don't you be so far against rehashing it. I'm a firm believer in rehashing. If you realise that you did something wrong, why not go back and fix it if you can.

You're right. People here have gone to a lot of time and trouble to give me good solid advice. I should put it to use now (and in my future writing).

Alex

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

the_bragis,,

IMHO, this was a fun, easy read. I’ve thrown out a fair amount of stuff, but most of it relates to subjective style issues which probably should be thrown right back. Just think of this as writer-to-writer shop talk over a cup of coffee. Don’t hesitate to contact me either on the board or by PM to cuss or discuss any of this.

Rumple Foreskin


Q: If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention?

A: Probably. It’s different enough to be intriguing.


Q: If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have read it all?

A: Yes. It was an easy, fun read and I was curious how you’d get her back to the office where the story begins.


Q: Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?

A: It probably says more about me than about your writing, that professor Heath was the one who “came to life” the most. Perhaps that was because he was the one who displayed the most emotions.


Q: Was the dialog consistent and realistic to how you envisaged the characters to be?

A: Yes.


Q: Was there enough description generally, or were there areas that weren't clear enough?

A: No. Except for Heath, I have little idea what the characters looked like and no idea at all when it comes to the setting.


Q: Alternatively were there areas you felt like skimming over?

A: No.


Q: Were the sex scenes realistic and easy to follow?

A: In the text comments, I mention the problem I had with the idea of doing da dirty deed up against a classroom door. Other than that – no problem.


Q: Certainly I wasn't trying to rival Rumple here, but did the number of categories covered in this story make it more or less interesting for you?

A: I think you did a better job than I did. The category switches were smooth and felt like a natural part of the story. And your decision to have her blackmail Jamison instead of including a Lesbian scene was an interesting twist.


Q: And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?

A: Yep, big as Dallas. J

--

Sitting in my office the other day, I felt smug. It's very spacious and no expense has been spared in fitting it out. Why should it be? I can afford it all, and more. Leaning back in my soft leather chair, and gazing out the window at the wonderful view, I pondered it all. Yes, it's true, I am a very successful woman. Now please allow me to tell you about the man I owe it all to. (STYLE STUFF: IT’S AN INTRIGUING INTRO., BUT FOR SOME REASON, THE LAST SENTENCE DOESN’T “FEEL” RIGHT. INSTEAD OF ADDRESSING THE READER, “…allow me to tell you…” MAYBE JUST, “AND I OWE IT ALL TO ONE MAN.”

Mr. Millhouse was, and probably still is, a very attractive man with dark hair and golden eyes. Although he would have been somewhere around forty at the time I knew him, he had the physique of a much younger man. He had a beard too, and I have always had a weakness for men with facial hair.

We had a special kind of relationship even before that fateful day. (PICKY POINT. SINCE YOU HAVEN’T MENTIONED ANY DATES BEFORE THIS, “THAT” REFERS TO NOTHING. MIGHT ADD SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF “day WHEN WE MET.”) Some times we would play funny little games with each other. Like I would stare at him and lick my lips, he would look and stop mid sentence, and then he would smile and continue. Other times I would just sit there sucking my index finger as I listened to him, and he would try not to notice. Once when I was bending over one of the desks, I looked over my shoulder and caught him having a good long look at my ass. So I bent over a little farther for him.

It was my first year (TO AVOID ANY CONFUSION THAT SHE’S IN HER FIRST YEAR AT UNIVERSITY “IN LAW SCHOOL” YOU MIGHT ADD SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF, “AS A BUSINESS MAJOR/STUDENT/ETC. OR “at university STUDYING BUSINESS”) at university, It was a good year, and I learned so much in that first twelve months. I still remember what I was wearing the day we began our 'private lessons', a tight little red skirt and long black boots, and, I remember how it all began. (IMHO, THAT LAST SENTENCE IS LONG, AWKWARD, AND BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE WHAT THE CONNECTION IS BETWEEN LEARNING A LOT IN 12 MONTHS AND RECALLING WHAT SHE WORE WHEN THE AFFAIR STARTED, IT’S ALSO CONFUSING.)

I had been attending one of his commercial law lectures. It was in intensely boring subject and my concentration wavered as I once again began pondering how handsome he was. I just couldn’t keep my mind on what he was saying, as I enjoyed him watching me also.

That day was no different. (THAN WHAT? THE LAST PARAGRAPH HAS HER ATTENDING “one” LECTURE-NOT A SERIES OF LECTURES.) He finished speaking then he paused and announced, "Now, I want you all to write down an example of a void contract similar to the one I’ve been discussing, and I’ll mark them later," I didn't have a clue. For several minutes I just sat there, fiddling with my hair, and then I had a wonderfully wicked idea. I thought, I'm going to fail that subject anyway, why not have a little fun? So I wrote:

"An example of a void contract would be if a student had sex with her handsome tutor, in return for passing that student in an exam, which she would have otherwise failed. Sex, although essential to most people, has no monetary value as such, therefore the contract(,) having no consideration as such, would be void under the provision of offer and acceptance." (CUTE)

The following day I was again in one of his lectures. He said nothing about my paper, so I assumed he hadn't read it, or perhaps just chosen to ignore my silly little prank. However, (AFTER CLASS) as I went to walk past him to leave, he grabbed my arm and told me, "Dominique, I need you to stay behind for a few minutes."

--

I didn't know what to do. I was afraid he was going to show my paper to the bursar, or worse still, my strict father who was paying for all my tuition and expenses, so I did as he commanded. I held onto the hem of my skirt, and then (MIGHT CHANGE “and then” TO “AS”) I bent over his desk. I knew he his intention was to punish me, but to my horror he grabbed my skirt and pulled it out of my grip and right up over my ass. Then with just one quick jerk he had my panties right down around my knees! My mind was racing. Should I just take the spanking? Well it was going to be either him or my father. Only my tutor couldn't cut off all my expenses could he? I heard the cane swinging through the air, and then I felt a sharp burning sting as it struck my bare butt. I cried out, but he just smiled. (ALEX – I WAS GIGGED BY SEVERAL FOLKS, (AND RIGHTLY SO) ABOUT MY NOT GIVING A BETTER INDICATION AS TO THE TIME SETTING OF MY LAST STORY. TO AVOID ANY “WHAT THE HELL?” REACTION FROM READERS WHOSE “SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF” HAS JUST BEEN SHAKEN, IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE SOME SORT OF TIME AND PLACE SETTING. MAYBE LATE ‘60’S AT A SMALL, EXCLUSIVE, INFAMOUSLY STRICT COLLEGE, ETC.)

Again and again he struck me; at least a half dozen times. When he had finished, my poor little ass felt like it was on fire. I stood up and rubbed myself. I thought I had paid my penance, and so I pulled my panties up and my skirt down. I turned to leave, but he stopped me.

"I haven't finished with you yet Dominique. You’re a very attractive girl you know? I want to teach you useful things you won’t find in any of your textbooks. Things that will help you to get everything you want in life."

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I was about to learn.

"Kneel!" he commanded, and so I did.

Then I watched in complete and innocent awe as he unzipped his trousers and pulled his cock out. He had a full erection. I couldn't help staring; I had never seen a man's cock before. (IN FIRST PERSON, IT’S HARD TO AVOID STARTING SENTENCES WITH “I”. THE LAST ONE HOWEVER, IMHO, COULD READ, “IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I’D EVER SEEN A MAN’S COCK AND I COULDN’T HELP STARING.”

You have to understand it was my first year out of High School, and my education at Saint Mary's, an all girls' school, had been very strict and old fashioned. Sure I had a little experience with the opposite sex. I had let the boy next door touch me under my blouse, and some times even let him put his hands down my panties. Certainly too, sex was always a hot topic of conversation in the bathroom at school, away from where any of the nosey nuns lurked. This however was different. I knew instinctively that I was in for something new and very exciting. He grabbed a handful of my hair, and gently he (OMIT “he”) pushed my head back, then as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he pushed his warm cock between my lips. I was so excited I began to suck immediately, but he gave my head a little jerk telling me, "Don't be so anxious Dominique. Suck slowly to begin with."

It was so hard to do that, his cock just felt so good throbbing in my mouth, but I did as I was told. Sucking gently at first on his cock head, before taking more of it into my mouth, as I flicked my tongue in and out. (THAT IS, I THINK, AN INCOMPLETE SENTENCE.)

"Suck harder now Dominique, you know you can take more. Don't be afraid, I won't let you choke on it. Feel my balls. There's a good girl."

I was very nervous, so (MOVE “to begin with” HERE) I just gently ran my fingers over his balls to begin with. Then feeling a little more adventurous, I cupped his balls in my hand and gently fondled them. They felt cool against my warm and sweaty palms. (MAKE “palms” SINGULAR) Then he pushed his cock all the way into my mouth, until it hit the back of my throat, and I felt the roughness of his pubic hair tickling my nose and lips.

Instinctively my other hand found it's (ITS) way down under my skirt, between my open thighs, and then inside the (A) leg of my panties. I began to finger myself, gently rubbing my clit, then pushing two fingers deep inside my warm pussy. I was amazed at how wet I had become in such a short time. Of course I had masturbated before, but never like this. Previously it had always been in my bed, late at night just before I fell asleep. This time however, I was fully awake, and very alert to what was happening. Previously, (SECOND TIME IN THREE SENTENCES YOU’VE USED THIS WORD AT THE BEGINNING.) I had been in control, but now I was not, Mr. Millhouse was. I felt my breasts heaving with each breath as my pussy began to tingle and throb like nothing I have (HAD) ever experience before.

Pushing two fingers deep inside myself, (IN THE LAST PARA “…pushing two fingers deep inside…” MIGHT HAVE ‘EM DOING SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT THIS TIME-MAYBE A MOTION) I felt my whole body quivering as a rush of hot pleasure washed over me in an exploding climax.

I sucked on his cock for several minutes more. I felt his balls begin to tighten, and (NEW SENTENCE) his cock jerked just before he (IT) filled my mouth with his warm cum. There was so much of it; (OMIT “of it”) some dripped down onto my white blouse. I was so innocent, I was worried it would stain, but of course it didn't.

I was so disappointed when I felt his cock soften in my mouth. I wanted more. I am sure he sensed it too, because he gently stroked my hair and told me, "Don't worry Dominique, it will be good and hard again in no time. Your tutoring has only just begun." A couple of days later, he again asked me to stay behind. This time I thought I knew what to expect. (ALEX, HERE’S SOME ADVICE ABOUT CUTTING DOWN ON THE USE OF “I” FROM A GUY WITH ONE FIRST PERSON LIT STORY TO HIS CREDIT-SO CONSIDER THE SOURCE. DON’T GET INTO THE HABIT OF HAVING THE NARRATOR TELL HOW THEY FEEL. FOR INSTANCE, THE FIRST SENTENCE COULD, (THOUGH MAYBE NOT “SHOULD”) BE RE-WRITTEN WITHOUT USING A SINGLE “I”. “IT WAS SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN HIS COCK BEGAN TO SOFTEN.”)

--

I felt an incredible mixture of emotions as he began to fondle my breasts over (THROUGH?) my clothing. Slipping his hand underneath my blouse, he had my bra unclasped and he was groping at my nipples before I knew it. (OMIT “before I knew it.” IT’S A CLICHÉ AND, IMHO, A BAD ONE BECAUSE I BET SHE REALLY DID KNOW “IT”-YOU MIGHT STICK IN “SOON” JUST BEFORE “groping.”) Next, he slipped his hands (OTHER HAND?) up under my skirt. As he removed my panties the air felt cool against my warm skin. I was on fire. I wanted to tell him to stop, only I was afraid he might!

He grabbed hold of my ass and lifted me up, walking a couple of steps, before placing me down on his desk.

I was so incredibly nervous, (STYLE STUFF: NICE TOUCH. YOU MIGHT USE A DASH INSTEAD OF A COMMA TO EMPHASIS THE DIFFERENCE.) he was so incredibly calm. Placing his hand on the insides of my knees, he opened my legs wide, then he leaned over and whispered to me, "Trust me Dominique, everything is going to be alright." (ALL RIGHT--AT LEAST IN US USAGE, ALRIGHT IS NEVER ALL RIGHT.)

His eyes never left mine as his fingers traced their way up the insides of my thighs. I gasped as I felt him gently touching (MY?) pussy. I had never let anyone touch me there before. "Now, doesn't that feel good? Just go with your feelings Dominique," he whispered, as he gently stroked me.

-

My breath became a pant as his cock pressed against my cunt. It felt tight as he pushed it slowly in, (IMHO, “IT” ABOUT TWO TOO MANY TIMES) but fortunately I was good and wet. As he began to pump me, I just couldn't hold back. I thought my whole body would explode as I let out a loud scream, and I climaxed.

--

Of course it wasn't always easy. One evening we were just settling in for a 'lesson', when one of the female lecturers knocked on his door. Miss Jamison, or Ms Jamison, as she preferred to be called, my stats lecturer. I panicked, but he was so cool, and knew exactly what to do. If we had been (MIGHT CHANGE “had been” TO “WERE”) caught in the classroom at that late hour there would have been many questions, so he had me hide under his desk. Clearly she hadn't come to discuss school matters with him. Maybe he had fucked her before, I don't really know. What I do know is, when she started unbuttoning her blouse, and talking about how hot it was, she wasn't talking about the weather. (POSSIBLE POV PROBLEM. IF SHE’S UNDER THE DESK, HOW DOES SHE KNOW MS JAMISON IS UNBUTTONING HER BLOUSE?)

I tell you, the only way that woman could have been more direct would have been to just come right out and say - Please fuck me!

Mr. Millhouse didn't need to be asked; he knew what she had come for. (ANOTHER POSSIBLE POV PROBLEM. 3P. THIS IS IN FIRST PERSON, NOT THIRD PERSON OMNISCIENT. HOW COULD SHE KNOW “…he knew what she had come for.”? ADDING A PHRASE SUCH AS “IT QUICKLY BECAME OBVIOUS he knew….” THE NEXT SENTENCE IS ANOTHER KIND OF POV PROBLEM. AT THIS MOMENT, READERS HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING HOW THE NARRATOR IS GETTING THIS INFO. I’D SUGGEST MOVING THE LAST SENTENCE OF THE NEXT PARAGRAPH – OR IT’S INFO – TO A POINT BEFORE YOU BEGIN DESCRIBING THE FEMALE TEACHER.)

She had a lovely body underneath her trademark plain skirt and loose blouse. Her breasts were much bigger than mine, and I felt a little twinge of jealousy when Mr. Millhouse told her how much he loved big tits. He managed to keep her away from where I was hiding, and although she couldn't see me crouching in the darkness under his desk, I had a clear view of everything that going on.

--

He took that bitch and fucked her right there up against the door. (REDUNDANT. FIVE PARAGRAPHS EARLIER YOU WROTE “When he pressed her up against the door and began fucking her…” ALSO, WOULDN’T’ DO THAT AGAINST A CLASSROOM DOOR CAUSE A LOT OF BANGING WHICH MIGHT ATTRACT FOLKS IN NIGHT CLASSES AND CLEANING PEOPLE?)

--

Biting down on my lower lip was the only way I managed to s(T)ay silent, when my pussy tightened and forced me into a hard and fast climax

Afterwards he told me he had to fuck her, since she might have become suspicious if he had rejected her. I understood that, and anyway I didn't mind. I rather enjoyed watching them.(NOT TO MENTION HEARING AND SMELLING THEM J )

The following day I had to sit though another one of Miss Jamison's boring old lectures. It lasted an hour, but listening to her slow monotone voice it felt (AWKWARD. MAYBE “…BUT HER SLOW, MONOTONE VOICE MADE IT FEEL…”) more like two. How was I going suffer her classes for the rest of the year? I had an idea. The class finished and as usual Miss Jamison stood at the door as we all filed out. As I walk past her I let my breasts brush up against hers, I smiled and whispered to her, "It was just so hot yesterday evening, wasn't it Ms Jamison?" I watched as her face flushed with embarrassment. It was the middle of winter. I knew, and she knew, and (I’D SUGGEST OMITTING “I KNEW, AND SHE KNEW…”) nothing more needed to be said. I never attended another one of her lectures. The other students in my class were amazed when I passed my stats unit.

--

He sniffed and returned his attention to the papers on his desk. I couldn't believe the arrogance of the man. I lost my temper; I stood up and slammed my fist down on his desk. Let me tell you, that certainly got his attention. I leaned over and looked him right in the face and said, "Well fuck you!" I didn't care. I didn't have a hope of passing anyway, or so I thought. (THERE ARE FIVE SENTENCES IN THIS PARAGRAPH BEGINNING WITH “I” MY HUNCH IS YOU CAN CUT THAT DOWN TO ONE OR TWO. I’LL GIVE YOU ONE FOR THE FIRST “I” SENTENCE. “THE ARROGANCE OF THE MAN WAS UNBELIEVABLE.”)

"You're a very outspoken young lady aren't you Dominique? I'm not sure I like you(R) tone at all."

"Well fuck you," I said again, "fuck you good and hard."

His reaction however, was not at all what I had expected. His expression began to change from smug and indifferent to .... I thought for a moment - submissive. (NEAT TWIST)

--.

"You will pay for this, you know, (NEW SENTENCE) now take your belt off and drop your pants!"

I have no idea how I managed to mustered (MUSTER) the nerve to say that, but once he began unbuckling his belt, everything else just seemed to flow from there.

--

In the time it took me to lock the door and check (THAT) it was secure, the Professor had positioned himself over his desk. I walked around behind him, I (OMIT “I”) raised the belt high and then I (OMIT “I”) struck it down across his ass. Surprised at how much I enjoyed it, I did it again...and again! Each time the belt hit, he would let out a little cry and then say, "Thank you, Mistress."

--

I am not sure if Mr. Millhouse would agree with me or not, but in many ways by the time I had finished that year, I felt (OMIT “I felt”) the pupil had become the teacher.

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by my buzzer, "Mr. Jones is here to see you Ma'am," my secretary announced.

Yes, Jack Jones, I had a meeting with him to discuss my bonus. I undid the first three buttons of my blouse, and pulled my tight skirt up so the darker shade of my stocking tops would be visible.

The door opened and tall well-dressed Jack entered. I watched in amusement as he pretended not to notice my lacey bra was showing. I uncrossed my legs and then I stood up to walk over to him, smiling and shaking his hand warmly in both of mine. I glanced down at the bulge in his trousers. I knew I was going to get everything I wanted and more (--) just like I always do.

 

[Guest]

Bragis-

I apologize for my laziness.....

- If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention?

Not really... reminded me of a cheesy movie.

- If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have
read it all?

To be honest, I am not a fan of spankings... so you would have lost me there.

- Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?

I struggled with the main character being real. The first teacher was a pair of eyes and a nice ass. The clearest character by far was the seconde teacher.

- Was the dialog consistent and realistic to how you envisaged the characters to be?

The dialogue was sparse and didn't really leave much of an impression with me.

- Was there enough desciption generally, or were there areas that weren't clear enough?

I felt short changed regarding the relationship and interaction with the first teacher. You list some of the things he taught, but you didn't show us how he taught them.

- Alternatively were there areas you felt like skimming over?

The last portion was filled with overview that wasn't interesting to me.

- Were the sex scenes realistic and easy to follow?

There wasn't enough detail in them... they weren't vivid for me.

- Certainly I wasn't trying to rival Rumple here, but did the number of categories covered in this story make it more or less interesting for you?

I liked how you tied the variety to her education... I think you could have done more with it, though.

- And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?

I liked the idea of her getting her way... but I was surprised that she 'had a boss' after the intro.

Alex-

Now that you hate me... I don't want you to think I didn't see any good things in your story. I like the idea of a woman figuring out how to be successful in the world where the good ol' boys usually shut women out.

As I said above, I just wanted more explicit examples of 'principles' that were learned and how she learned them. When you did that, it was fun. I think if you had been a bit more explicit in closing the scenes with what principle you came away with, that would have underscored your title and purpose.

I have been ridiculously general here... I apologize. I will re-read and pm you more detailed feedback.

b

 

[the_bragis]

thank you.

Hello Rumple,

Thank you very much for your obvious time and effort.

I have plenty to work with to do a rehash now for sure.

I'm not certain I agree the time, i.e. year, needs to be mentioned unless it's relevant to the story. I don't think it is in this particular story. Women have been playing at sex with men for centuries.

Mr. Millhouse didn't need to be asked; he knew what she had come for. (ANOTHER POSSIBLE POV PROBLEM. 3P. THIS IS IN FIRST PERSON, NOT THIRD PERSON OMNISCIENT. HOW COULD SHE KNOW “…he knew what she had come for.”?

I think I may have to allow myself this one, since I think it's kind of rhetorical. She knew what horny bastard he was, so I'm going to allow her that thought.

ALSO, WOULDN’T’ DO THAT AGAINST A CLASSROOM DOOR CAUSE A LOT OF BANGING WHICH MIGHT ATTRACT FOLKS IN NIGHT CLASSES AND CLEANING PEOPLE?)

I'm not sure about this Rumple, but I think you're probably right. Now I simply have to ask, are you speaking from experience here?

***


BridgetKeeney,

Now that you hate me...

I hate some things, but never anyone.

I sincerely appreciate any help anyone is wiling to give me. I really do. So, thank you very much.

I realise when many authors say "feedback please" they really mean "praise please", however, I am not one of them.

So pm away!!

***

I think the best way for me to tackle this is to print out the feedback, and rework it a paragraph at a time.

I really enjoyed writing this story, so molding it into something better will be an enjoyable challenge I'm sure.

Have a great day!

Alex.

 

[OT]

A few comments.

- If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention?

The title and tag line were pretty regular (almost cliche'). I'm not a fan of overly cute titles either, but no, I wasn't grabbed.

- If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have read it all?

Read no. Skim yes.
First impressions matter. The impression I got from the first paragraph was "too wordy". If I wasn't reviewing, I'd either back-click or switch to skim mode. I understand the need for an intro, and can even forgive some fill in order to set a pace and mood, but I think you could tighten the paragraph to about half the size.

Something along the lines of:
"I was leaning back in my plush leather chair admiring the stunning view from my expensively decorated office..."

One more example of too many words:
"It was my first year at university, It was a good year, and I learned so much in that first twelve months. I still remember what I was wearing the day we began our 'private lessons', a tight little red skirt and long black boots, and, I remember how it all began. "

Yikes, three mentions of year, two "remembers", and two "begans".

Food for thought rewrites:
"I learned more then I could have ever imagined in my freshman year."
and
"I can still remember the tight little red skirt and long black boots that I was wearing on the day it all began"

- Was the dialog consistent and realistic to how you envisaged the characters to be?

I'm not sure if was Millhouse (and Prof Heath) always calling her by name whenever he addressed her of if it was just the name "Dominique", but it sounded odd to my ear.



The high point of the story was the void contract assignment, even though I stumbled on the wording a bit.

"An example of a void contract would be if a student had sex with her handsome tutor, in return for passing that student in an exam, which she would have otherwise failed."

maybe:
"An example of a void contract would be if a student had sex with her handsome tutor, in return for a passing grade on an exam that she would have otherwise failed."

 

[Pookie]

This is my first attempt at giving feedback here. I hope what I have to say is helpful. I enjoy reading stories with well-developed characters and plots. I have made my comments based on that.

- If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention?

The title comes across as clichéd to me. I tend to skip over titles like this, which is probably unfair. But I have found more often than not that stories with a cliché for a title usually tend to be filled with clichés.

The blurb with the title on the index, “He taught her how to get what she wanted,” really told me little about the story, nor raised my expectations. I don’t really know what would be a good blurb, but maybe something along the lines of, “The real lessons were harder to learn.” Again, that is something off the top of my head, but I think something like that would generate more interest.

- If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have
read it all?

I doubt it. Again, I’m not much of a fan of domination as portrayed in this story. I tend to look past most erotic coupling stories as well.

- Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?

In general, I never felt much of any depth to the characters. I couldn’t make Dominique real in my mind. Also, I would have stayed away from the name “Dominique”. That name immediately made me think that this plot was going to be contrived. Again, I’m a big fan of realism, and this would put me off very quickly.

The other characters just never took any shape in my mind. I would have thought there would be more interaction of some kind.

- Was the dialog consistent and realistic to how you envisaged the characters to be?

There was too little dialogue for a first person story, IMO. What was there seemed forced at best. I wouldn’t repeat a person’s name in dialogue so many times either. For example, Mr. Millhouse kept saying her name to her constantly. It made me feel like he kept saying her name because he was afraid he was going to forget it.

I think this story would benefit from much more dialogue. Let the reader live the story with Dominique. Dialogue is a very effective tool for that.

- Was there enough description generally, or were there areas that weren't clear enough?

I never got a very clear picture of any of the characters. The descriptions were not enough to put me in the story so I could live it with them.

- Alternatively were there areas you felt like skimming over?

The beginning and ending were too “wordy” for me. I think both parts can be effective if you work with them more. The beginning seemed like you were just trying to stretch things out too much for no purpose I could figure out. The last part just didn’t do anything for me. Also, I had to re-read the part about the contract to figure out what it meant, which is never a good thing in a story.

- Were the sex scenes realistic and easy to follow?

The sex scenes were too sketchy, especially for a first person story. It felt like I was watching highlights of a ball game on a sports news show. I never felt what the characters had to have felt throughout all of the events occurring to them. The scenes just didn’t come alive for me, or focused too much on one aspect. Again, if the characters had more depth, the scenes would have been more powerful for me. That’s what a “highlights show” can’t do.

- Certainly I wasn't trying to rival Rumple here, but did the number of categories covered in this story make it more or less interesting for you?

The number of themes didn’t concern me. It was their lack of development that was a problem for me. There are scenes with great potential to grab the readers, but they just were not developed enough to do anything for me. I felt like I got pulled out of scenes just as things were going to get interesting.

- And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?

I felt disappointed because of the lost opportunities throughout the story to create some powerful and emotional scenes. I think if you go back, focus on those scenes, and bring them to life, that you will create looks of satisfaction on the face of your readers. I think the scenes can be written to more clearly define how events are shaping Dominique’s character, and the lessons she is learning about life ... and how she can use them to her advantage.

This is my first time giving feedback here. I hope I wasn’t too general with my comments and suggestions.

Keep at it!

Pookie

 

[the_bragis]

OT,

Thank you for your feedback.

Yes, perhaps the title is cliché, but really what is a good title for a story? I mean not this one, but any one? What makes you want to click on a particular story's title? I guess there's really no magic formula, but it's something I will try to have good think about for future stories.

The passage about the contract - I'm glad you enjoyed it, that took me ages to condense and alter that from an original commerial law text. I will use your alteration, because I can certainly see how it makes it clearer to understand. You should have seen the original version - now that was a doozy!


Poolkie Grrl,

Oh boy, this really wasn't a good story for your first review in the SDC now was it?

I'm sorry you couldn't find anything redeeming about it, but I do appreciate the time you took reading and reviewing it.

One thing did puzzle me - I don't understand your dislike of the name Dominique. I have a friend by that name, well we call her Dom. She's a very 'strong' lady and so I tend to associate that name with strength. Or do you mean it's too much like 'Domme'?

Well anyway it's time for little Alex to crawl away, take it all on board, and try harder I guess.

Thank you, and have a great day.

Alex.

 

[OT]

OT,
Thank you for your feedback.
Yes, perhaps the title is cliché, but really what is a good title for a story? I mean not this one, but any one? What makes you want to click on a particular story's title? I guess there's really no magic formula, but it's something I will try to have good think about for future stories.
B]

title are tricky

If too cute, the reader feels cheated and tricked..
If too mundane, it goes unnoticed.
If cliche' then maybe ignored (on purpose)

In your case, why did you choose the title ?
If you are convinced it fits, then stick with it.

 

[Pookie]

Poolkie Grrl,

Oh boy, this really wasn't a good story for your first review in the SDC now was it?

I'm sorry you couldn't find anything redeeming about it, but I do appreciate the time you took reading and reviewing it.

One thing did puzzle me - I don't understand your dislike of the name Dominique. I have a friend by that name, well we call her Dom. She's a very 'strong' lady and so I tend to associate that name with strength. Or do you mean it's too much like 'Domme'?

I'm sorry if I offended you in some way with what I sais in my critique. I think there is quite a bit of potential for your story, and a number of redeeming things as well. Your characters show real imagination, and work well for this type of story. I just mainly felt you needed to work the characters more with the scenes they are involved with. You have a great talent for telling a story and writing it, much more than I ever hope to have. I'm still just a novice at writing erotica.

The reference to "Dominique" is more a stereotype for me ("Dom"). It's the same as some other names in certain genres for me. It's probably not a fair stereotype, but some things just hit me in the face like that when I read certain stories in certain genres.

I apologize if I did offend you with the things I said. I will wait until I have more of a background at offering critical reviews before I post here again.

Good luck with this and your future story.

Pookie

 

[the_bragis]

OT,

Yes, you've raised some good points there.

Why did I choose that title? I don't know. I guess I just couldn't think of anything better at the time. I originally called it "The Secret of My Suc-cess", but you don't have to tell me - that one really sucked!



Pookie Grrl,

I'm not offended just slightly taken back, but that won't last long either. Like I said, I appreciated your imput, and I will keep trying.

I guess everyone has a different way of looking at things, and that's what makes this place so interesting.

Have a great day now,

Alex.

 

[TheEarl]

Pookie_grrl: Don't stop posting here. If you keep writing critiques, you'll get better at it and you'll learn a hell of a lot. There'd be no point in this place if everyone was all very nice and we all told each other how wonderful they are.

Criticism always hurts, but yours was constructive and I think Alex is a good enough person to learn from it rather than take the huff. Why would she be here if she wasn't?

The Earl

 

[sweetnpetite]

feedback from sweetnpetite

- If you were scanning though the index page, would this title and blurb get your attention?

The title, I did not feel was "cliche" as someone said. It seemed to bland. I think cliche is ok, to a point, and I think your original idea for a title was good. Only "The secret of my suck-sess" Maybe some wouldn't like that, but I think it would get more draws. the blurb "he tought her how to get what she wanted" is pretty good, i liked that. Maybe the story could be called: How to Sleep your way to the Top, or How I got Everything I Ever Wanted, or The Teacher or My Proffesor (might get some attention from those w/ teacher or authority figure fetishists) The Lesson I'll Never Forget, the proffesor that changed my life. Or something like that. I don't know, they might not be good ideas either, lol. Just brainstorming. "Behind every Successful Woman..." teases at being naughty, but kinda sounds like it would be an anal story.

- If you weren't reading this to give feedback, would you have
read it all?

I dont' think I would have if I went to your page, but I might have if I'd read the blurb. But I dont' go to erotic couplings, so I guess I'd only read it if it was on the new list, and I happend to go there. You might try puting it under a different category like BDSM or Mature. However, when I glanced it over- I was going to read it later, it really drew me in. I gobbled it up. It was very easy to read, I quite enjoyed it.

- Did you feel the characters came to life in your mind?

Yeah, they did. At least sufficiently for my enjoyment of the story.

- Was the dialog consistent and realistic to how you envisaged the characters to be?

Yea, the diolog was good. Diolog is my favorate part of a story, sometimes I cheat and only read the diolog! Didn't do that, though, cuz I really liked your story

- Was there enough desciption generally, or were there areas that weren't clear enough?

THe only problem that I had with the story was that it seemed to end to soon. She really didn't show how she used her tallents to get all the way to where she is now. And I didn't fully understand the statement that "A man is hard when he's soft and soft when he's hard." I understand the soft when he's hard, but what does the other half mean? I'm not sure that was really described. I would lilke to see more examples of how she used this to her advantage, and maybe a reason why these men all "deserved" what she did to them. (Despite the obvious that they where willing to do anything for a lay, lol. Aparently this is not enough to redeam the woman. We're always the villian....)

- Alternatively were there areas you felt like skimming over?

Nope. Read it straight threw.

- Were the sex scenes realistic and easy to follow?

Definatly, you could use a couple more though

- Certainly I wasn't trying to rival Rumple here, but did the number of categories covered in this story make it more or less interesting for you?

I'd like to see more of this too. As she finds each man's weakness.

- And finally, when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face?

Yes, but I was trying to figure out the meaning of the second part of the phrase, "A man is soft...."

AHA! Your title could come from that line!

HE'S SOFT WHEN HE'S HARD

good luck. I hope this helps.

 

[the_bragis]

I apologize if I did offend you with the things I said. I will wait until I have more of a background at offering critical reviews before I post here again.

You have nothing to apologize for. Like I said, I wasn't offended, just slightly taken back. I"m well over it now, and I should have waited before posting.

You obviously took time and effort to read my story. I doubt now you will want to review another one of mine. I hope you will, but I won't hold anything against you if you don't.

My reason for this posting is simple. Your feedback was useful and thoughtful, and I would not want to see you discouraged from giving more to this forum, and other authors, simply because of a comment made by me.

I wish you well with your future writing (stories and critiques)

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

 

[the_bragis]

Hello sweet and petite,
Thank you for taking time to read and critique my story.

"How I got Everything I Ever Wanted'. Yes, I like that one very much. Now, what would you call a story about a loving wife who arranges a threesome with a shop assistant, in the changing room of a sex shop, for their wedding anniversary? I was thinking 'The Anniversary', but that's just plain blaaaaaa! Beisdes I think there are at least six others in Lit with that title already.

The problem you have with this story feeling like it ends too soon, is a something I will have to address. Reading it over, I can certainly now see how it does finish too abruptly.

I've begun a rehash already using the excellent advice I've been given here. I've also managed to gain the sympathy of a couple of very talented (and kind hearted) authors here at Lit, who have offered to help me, so I"m going to try to give this my best.

Oh and "A man's soft when he's hard, and hard when he's soft'? Well that just means when a man's sexually aroused (hard) he's a much easier (softer) target to get what you want from him, and when he's not aroused (soft) ... visa versa.

*****

Now to anyone reading down this far, and who might know. Please, has anyone here ever heard of the word 'ebonic', and if so what does it mean? I can't find it in my dictionary, but I'm assuming it's some kind of literary term.

*****

Have a great day,

Alex.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Hello sweet and petite,
Thank you for taking time to read and critique my story.

"How I got Everything I Ever Wanted'. Yes, I like that one very much. Now, what would you call a story about a loving wife who arranges a threesome with a shop assistant, in the changing room of a sex shop, for their wedding anniversary? I was thinking 'The Anniversary', but that's just plain blaaaaaa! Beisdes I think there are at least six others in Lit with that title already.

The problem you have with this story feeling like it ends too soon, is a something I will have to address. Reading it over, I can certainly now see how it does finish too abruptly.

I've begun a rehash already using the excellent advice I've been given here. I've also managed to gain the sympathy of a couple of very talented (and kind hearted) authors here at Lit, who have offered to help me, so I"m going to try to give this my best.

Oh and "A man's soft when he's hard, and hard when he's soft'? Well that just means when a man's sexually aroused (hard) he's a much easier (softer) target to get what you want from him, and when he's not aroused (soft) ... visa versa.

*****

Now to anyone reading down this far, and who might know. Please, has anyone here ever heard of the word 'ebonic', and if so what does it mean? I can't find it in my dictionary, but I'm assuming it's some kind of literary term.

*****

Have a great day,

Alex.

Hi Alex!

ebonic is a stlye of language that you might commonly refer to as "talking black" or "talking street" "talking ghetto" or "talking gangsta or G" some people feel that it is "improper english" or 'wrong' Others feel that it is a valid Language or form of Language. Personally, I think its very valid, although I dont' think it should ever be anybody's "only" language. It doens't serve you well in business situations, like when applying for a home owners loan. "You be talkin ghetto when you stay in my hood- fo sho-"
Translates to "Surely if you lived in my neighborhood, you would speak ebonics."
Hope that helps.

As for a title for the 3-some story, if you havent already written it, I would advise against it. I've seen so many like this that I would find it indestinguishable from the others. It might be more interesting if its the changing room of an upscale place instead, or anywhere besides a sex shop. Maybe she sets it up ahead of time w/ the person so that they can come in late, and the clerk locks up behind them without the husband noticing. That way they won't get disturbed, giving it enough credablity so that its not too unbelievable.

Title ideas off the top of my head: "Locked In" "Room for three" "Three way on our special Day" "Boutique Booty Call" "Boutique Boink" "Dressing Room Delight" hope that gets you started.

Now that you explained the soft/ hard phrase, I wonder if it would come accross better as "hard when he's soft BUT soft when he's hard"

btw I kinda agree with th e comment about your character stating she felt smug. Here are 2 suggestions.

1- she could be satisfied or grafified (they also have sexual connotations so thats good)

2. acnowlege that smug isn't very nice: ie, "I know its not very nice, but looking around my office, I can't help but feel smug. After all, I've got everything I've ever wanted..." or something along those lines.

Also might be of interest, how do the woman around her feel about her? do they feel jealous, spiteful, or whatever or has she somehow charmed them too? Does she even care about there oppinions? What about when the next higher up was female and didn't fall under the hard/soft rule? This last point might inject a certain element of conflict when Domenique is confronted with a situation which innitially frustrates her but which she must eventually overcome somehow. That was one thing that I had forgotten that I did think while reading "What if she called so and so, all ready to use this tactic and it turned out to be a woman? (Jery turned out to be Jeri) We all know women aren't as easy as men, so a straight out lesbian thing shouldn't be the answer. (although it might be entertaining, I don't think it would be believable)

As always, I hope this is helpful.

 

[the_bragis]

thanks sweetnpetite! Your'e a doll, and your advice is sound.


BTW, I'm going with "Three Way on Our Special Day" - that's catchy and I really like it.

Have a great day,

Alex.

 

[sweetnpetite]

thanks sweetnpetite! Your'e a doll, and your advice is sound.


BTW, I'm going with "Three Way on Our Special Day" - that's catchy and I really like it.

Have a great day,

Alex.

Oh sweety, you changed your sig line! I feel so special