3,000 hits in 36 hours...

[Stella_Omega]

ONE vote.
In fact, it's at almost 4,00 hits now, and still only ONE vote.
I think that means people aren't even getting to the bottom of the first page before they click off!

 

[Stella_Omega]

okay, now I'm joining the outsiders club. No club sandwich for me....

The story in question is the sex and bondage and rock and roll one in my sig.
Anyone feel like visiting it and letting me know- how many paragraphs was it before you got bored and left?

 

[English Lady]

To be honest, the dialogue in the first paragraphs just confuses me, it's like i've stumbled into something part way through....

Maybe thats it?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yep. It's an excerpt from a novel in progress... It just tickled my fancy, but- it just doesn't work, I guess.
Damn, I don't WANNA re-write it into a stand alone!

 

[English Lady]

It really feels like you're just walking into something mid-way. I understand now you say it's an excerpt, I'm sorry but it really doesn't work as a stand alone...

*consoling back pats*

 

[Stella_Omega]

*snf* thanks...

 

[English Lady]

*keeping up the back pats and offering chocolate*

 

[Stella_Omega]

*keeping up the back pats and offering chocolate*

Makes puppy eyes... oh, and at the chocoltes, too*

 

[English Lady]

*grinning*

 

[Stella_Omega]

Wouldn't you like a chocolate too?
*picks one up in fingers, invitingly*

 

[LukkaBloom]

I didn't get very far before I felt like there were WAY to many names to try to remember....and very little in the way of establishing the MC. Made me give up trying in short order

 

[kendo1]

I suspect readers are looking for action. When they don't find it straight away, they wander off.
Doesn't matter if this is a snippet from a longer piece, but readers like their action up front.

Sad, I know, but that's what happens.

Ken

 

[Penelope Street]

I didn't get very far before I felt like there were WAY to many names to try to remember....and very little in the way of establishing the MC. Made me give up trying in short order

I agree that the cluttered opening was not the best choice; there are too many characters and only one of them really matters.

Although some readers will abandon a story without sex on the first page, there are plenty of others who will read on if they find the characters and situation of interest. If anything, I'd say the pace is too fast, but that's minor, really.

Tension, not sex, is what I believe this story lacks. She says 'Do it' and he does. I don't understand why he wants to do her bidding, therefore I can't get involved, if that makes sense. Not only does the narration style keep me at a distance, it gives the story something of an identity crisis.

In the end, I believe it's Tracy's story, not Stella's- or at least it should be. To involve the reader, I think the thing to do was to get in Tracy's head and stay there instead of jumping back and forth between the two leads. That might have worked.

My two cents.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[JamesSD]

You also could be getting a lot of "no votes". This is one of those stories that is interestingly constructed and well written enough not to smack with a 4, but doesn't tickle my fancy enough to award a 5.

And yeah, the characters in the first part sound like they're on drugs.

 

[simply_cyn]

You also could be getting a lot of "no votes". This is one of those stories that is interestingly constructed and well written enough not to smack with a 4, but doesn't tickle my fancy enough to award a 5.

And yeah, the characters in the first part sound like they're on drugs.

Random thought, I know ... but James, NICE picture!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Random thought, I know ... but James, NICE picture!

There are a LOT of very... distracting... avs on this board!
James, thanks for an exceedingly kind way of putting it. The band smokes a lotta dope- in the context of the story. And their characters are developed, by this point in the story, you know who all these people are (If I've done my work right)

I have two votes on this story, and they are both 5!
Well, I think I'd be best editing the first half, to say the least.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I agree that the cluttered opening was not the best choice; there are too many characters and only one of them really matters.

Although some readers will abandon a story without sex on the first page, there are plenty of others who will read on if they find the characters and situation of interest. If anything, I'd say the pace is too fast, but that's minor, really.

Tension, not sex, is what I believe this story lacks. She says 'Do it' and he does. I don't understand why he wants to do her bidding, therefore I can't get involved, if that makes sense. Not only does the narration style keep me at a distance, it gives the story something of an identity crisis.

In the end, I believe it's Tracy's story, not Stella's- or at least it should be. To involve the reader, I think the thing to do was to get in Tracy's head and stay there instead of jumping back and forth between the two leads. That might have worked.

My two cents.

Take Care,
Penny

Get in Tracy's head?
It's sort of a combination of Jack Sparrow and Jim Morrison, with some Pinky (and the brain) thrown in for good measure. There're a lot of echoes in there!

I have the story written as his fantasy, out of his journal. It's a little inchoherent. but he really means it!
Should I post it here? it's much shorter...

 

[Penelope Street]

My intuition is that most readers saw this as a stand-alone story and abandoned early, in the cluttered first scene. In that light, the POV issue I raised is relatively minor.

 

[English Lady]

Sorry for the delay, but I ended up going to bed *smiles* any chocolate still going?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sorry for the delay, but I ended up going to bed *smiles* any chocolate still going?

Oh, Rosie, and I didn't see you were asking!

This very same story- was just reviewed on indianpilot.com, in the top ten list no less.

But, even so, I should still re-write the first half.

English Rose, I have... Milk chocolate with cream filling... Dark with cherry, and extra-fin with Courvoisier liqueur
And nougat.
Your choice, darlin'- open up, here it comes!

 

[English Lady]

ooooooooh well I'm spoilt for choice..the nougat sounds yummy though -even at just 8am in the morning

congrats on your good review too!

 

[Stella_Omega]

ooooooooh well I'm spoilt for choice..the nougat sounds yummy though -even at just 8am in the morning

congrats on your good review too!

Yeah. I'm stoked- as the surfers used to say around here!
Nougat? Sounds like a nice thing to nibble on along with your morning coffee.. it's bedtime here!
G'night- I think...

 

[English Lady]

Yeah. I'm stoked- as the surfers used to say around here!
Nougat? Sounds like a nice thing to nibble on along with your morning coffee.. it's bedtime here!
G'night- I think...

night night, sweet dreams!