3·Oct·2005 · "Unintelligent Design" · Tzara

[The Poets]

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.​

I do have some fairly specific questions about this, but rather than muddy the results with the Rosenthal Effect, let me stick to these general questions:

1. What does the poem say or mean to you, if anything? (There is not a "right" response to this. I know what I think it means, but I want to know what you think it means, if anything. Checking on whether I am communicating well or not.)
2. Is it too short? Too long? (And, for either response, why?)
3. What, if anything, did you like about the language?
4. What, if anything, did you dislike about the language?
5. This poem originally had a dedication (for ...) that was meant to be ironic. I removed it before placing the poem here. Are dedications pretentious?
6. Are you American? (That isn't a gratuitous question. I actually have a reason for asking it. Of course, feel free not to answer it.)
7. Am I fated to make millions as a poet, or should I work harder at my day job?

Anything else you'd like to say (e.g., "you've got a really dopey avatar") is, of course, welcome as well.

Thank you all in advance.

tz

 

[anonamouse]

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.​

I do have some fairly specific questions about this, but rather than muddy the results with the Rosenthal Effect, let me stick to these general questions:

1. What does the poem say or mean to you, if anything? (There is not a "right" response to this. I know what I think it means, but I want to know what you think it means, if anything. Checking on whether I am communicating well or not.)
2. Is it too short? Too long? (And, for either response, why?)
3. What, if anything, did you like about the language?
4. What, if anything, did you dislike about the language?
5. This poem originally had a dedication (for ...) that was meant to be ironic. I removed it before placing the poem here. Are dedications pretentious?
6. Are you American? (That isn't a gratuitous question. I actually have a reason for asking it. Of course, feel free not to answer it.)
7. Am I fated to make millions as a poet, or should I work harder at my day job?

Anything else you'd like to say (e.g., "you've got a really dopey avatar") is, of course, welcome as well.

Thank you all in advance.

tz

Before I answer, which one are you Juluis or Ethel Rosenthal?
Why are you the Poets? If I respond yes you have a dopey avatar how will you know which one I am refering to?
Dedications I do not find pretentious, I like the ironic ones best, I think it belongs back up here, with it back it will help with he meaning.
As an American, I have my rights so I refuse to answer that question.

I read it in the original place, it is a piece of doggeral. It is excellent doggeral, it served two purposes there, here it is not as obvious.

The title "Unintelligent Design" besides being an apt description of what is illustrated in the poem, is also a political statement. Of the best sort - funny.

This just about maxes out what you can do with stock phrases and concepts and still make it fresh. Kudoes. Still it will confuse some folks.

Still it is doggeral, as a skilled doggeralist you will probably make more money than writing poetry, unless of course you wish to unreverse the cliches, drain the humour, stamp it with that dread baTHUMP baTHUMP, get the MFA, kiss ass, etc. be annointed to some university, in which case you still won't make millions, but more that I'll ever see.

Born under a hard rock
I forgot
Am I supposed to guess the references?

 

[Nickie Smiles]

What does the poem say or mean to you, if anything? (There is not a "right" response to this. I know what I think it means, but I want to know what you think it means, if anything. Checking on whether I am communicating well or not.)

What I get from the poem is a person with bad luck. "He was born under a bad sign" - this can be taken many ways. I thought astrology right away, but....

I continued to read (4 times) to really try to understand. It was difficult, I must say. I actually starting thinking of the devil. Hmmm...but the devil doesn't have skin. Or could He? No...

Gossamer
n.
1. A soft sheer gauzy fabric.
2. Something delicate, light, or flimsy.
3. A fine film of cobwebs often seen floating in the air or caught on bushes or grass.

He could put himself into someone's body, couldn't He? Oh my head!

Sorry, I'm doing some thinking here. I AM stuck on the devil - bad sign or luck - Lucifer -wingless - used to be an angel. You may think I'm an idiot now, but I'm trying. I think it can be taken many ways. It could be anyone. WE can think anyone! I'm stuck on the devil. Okay, I said that enough. LOL!


Is it too short? Too long? (And, for either response, why?)
No, I don't believe so. I like the idea that I can imagine anything I want. It makes the reader think. That's always good.

What, if anything, did you like about the language?
The language was fine, but some words could be rearranged.

This poem originally had a dedication (for ...) that was meant to be ironic. I removed it before placing the poem here. Are dedications pretentious?
Are you American? (That isn't a gratuitous question. I actually have a reason for asking it. Of course, feel free not to answer it.)

Now I'm doing more thinking. I don't know if this is healthy. LOL! It's hurting my head. Anyway, I am an American.

Am I fated to make millions as a poet, or should I work harder at my day job?
Have faith.

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.

My play with words:

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
He first tried to soar, but his alabaster wings
wouldn't cup the air nor flex. He fell.
His gossamer skin was torn.

Or

wouldn't cup the air nor flex. He fell
then tore his gossamer skin.

I tried.

Now speak to me either PM or here because it's driving me nuts!

 

[Guest]

OK here goes and you don't have a clue I don't have a clue.

Well, you will now.

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.​

1. What does the poem say or mean to you, if anything?
   My first inclination was that you were talking about one of creations less-than-perfect creatures that struggle to survive through no fault of their own
2. Is it too short? Too long? (And, for either response, why?)
   Personally I prefer brevity.
3. What, if anything, did you like about the language?
   I liked the words you choose - alabaster, gossamer - denoting fragility
4. What, if anything, did you dislike about the language?
   The use of "I guess" grated.
5. This poem originally had a dedication (for ...) that was meant to be ironic. I removed it before placing the poem here. Are dedications pretentious?
   Not pretentious, no but it helps if the casual reader knows the story behind the dedication. A short explanatory note - perhaps?
6. Are you American? (That isn't a gratuitous question. I actually have a reason for asking it. Of course, feel free not to answer it.)
   No.
7. Am I fated to make millions as a poet, or should I work harder at my day job?
   I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might ruin a lovely friendship.

Anything else you'd like to say (e.g., "you've got a really dopey avatar") is, of course, welcome as well.

I would break "wings" and "would"

Thank you all in advance.

tz

No, thank you.

 

[champagne1982]

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.​

I do have some fairly specific questions about this, but rather than muddy the results with the Rosenthal Effect, let me stick to these general questions:

1. What does the poem say or mean to you, if anything? (There is not a "right" response to this. I know what I think it means, but I want to know what you think it means, if anything. Checking on whether I am communicating well or not.) Icarus? Lucifer or, here's a stretch...
   

   "Though all forsake thee, Lord, yet I will die"
   Though all forsake thee, Lord, yet I will die;
   For I have chainèd so my will to thine
   That I have no will left my will to untwine,
   But will abide with thee most willingly.
   Though all forsake thee, Lord, yet cannot I;
   For love hath wrought in me thy form divine
   That thou art more my heart than heart is mine:
   How can I then from myself, thyself, fly?
   Thus thought Saint Peter, and thus thinking, fell;
   And by his fall did warn us not to swell.
   Yet still in love I say I would not fall,
   And say in hope, I trust I never shall;
   But cannot say in faith what might I do
   To learn to say it, by hearing Christ say so.

2. Is it too short? Too long? (And, for either response, why?)What if I say, "Just right?" One can only wrap cliche in a single layer and still expect the recipient of the package to stay interested in what's inside.
3. What, if anything, did you like about the language?It was English. English is good.
4. What, if anything, did you dislike about the language?
5. This poem originally had a dedication (for ...) that was meant to be ironic. I removed it before placing the poem here. Are dedications pretentious?No, not pretentious. Sometimes, pompous, but pretentious? No.
6. Are you American? (That isn't a gratuitous question. I actually have a reason for asking it. Of course, feel free not to answer it.)No, I'm a northern neighbour
7. Am I fated to make millions as a poet, or should I work harder at my day job?Since I don't know how hard you work now, I can't in all conscience recommend that you work harder, but I can suggest that you, at least, keep working.

Anything else you'd like to say (e.g., "you've got a really dopey avatar") is, of course, welcome as well.

 

[wildsweetone]

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.​

I do have some fairly specific questions about this, but rather than muddy the results with the Rosenthal Effect, let me stick to these general questions:

1. What does the poem say or mean to you, if anything? (There is not a "right" response to this. I know what I think it means, but I want to know what you think it means, if anything. Checking on whether I am communicating well or not.)
2. Is it too short? Too long? (And, for either response, why?)
3. What, if anything, did you like about the language?
4. What, if anything, did you dislike about the language?
5. This poem originally had a dedication (for ...) that was meant to be ironic. I removed it before placing the poem here. Are dedications pretentious?
6. Are you American? (That isn't a gratuitous question. I actually have a reason for asking it. Of course, feel free not to answer it.)
7. Am I fated to make millions as a poet, or should I work harder at my day job?

Anything else you'd like to say (e.g., "you've got a really dopey avatar") is, of course, welcome as well.

Thank you all in advance.

tz

1. What does the poem say or mean to you, if anything? (There is not a "right" response to this. I know what I think it means, but I want to know what you think it means, if anything. Checking on whether I am communicating well or not.)
   
   
   to me this reads like a riddle. i am trying to guess who it is you're writing about, but with my limited skills, i've no idea. there isn't anything tangible that i can look up either (no name or place). for some strange reason i get an image of pegasus - unintelligent i am.
   
   
2. Is it too short? Too long? (And, for either response, why?)
   
   continuing from what i said, it would be obviously too short. i need more information.
   
   
3. What, if anything, did you like about the language?
   
   i like the image it gave me
   
   
4. What, if anything, did you dislike about the language?
   
   i don't like not knowing what the poem is really about.
   
   
5. This poem originally had a dedication (for ...) that was meant to be ironic. I removed it before placing the poem here. Are dedications pretentious?
   
   imo no they're not. i take dedications as having a specific meaning to the author and if they're of import then i respect that importance.
   
   
6. Are you American? (That isn't a gratuitous question. I actually have a reason for asking it. Of course, feel free not to answer it.)
   
   no
   
   
7. Am I fated to make millions as a poet, or should I work harder at my day job?
   
   pass

is this really the kind of poem you want to put up in here for discussion and dissection? sorry, i don't mean that to sound rude, but... it kinda feels... odd.

 

[BooMerengue]

... and that, my love, is why it bears discussing!

*shoving WSO backin the door- "Get in there and discuss!!

 

[wildsweetone]

how can i discuss it if i don't understand the flipping thing?

there isn't anything to grab onto to work it out.

i have an image - but i bet it's not the image that Tzara is portraying.

 

[BooMerengue]

how can i discuss it if i don't understand the flipping thing?

there isn't anything to grab onto to work it out.

i have an image - but i bet it's not the image that Tzara is portraying.

Tzara wrote this somewhat flippantly. There was some sort of discussion on another thread about 'words not to use' two of which were gossamer and alabaster. (I think I'm right about this; maybe not) Anyway she wrote this little poem and I think it turned out quite nice!

Do YOU think so or not??? Discuss why...

You have 30 minutes- after that I pick up all the papers, she said primly.

 

[wildsweetone]

damn woman. okay, i will be back soon.

 

[BooMerengue]

damn woman. okay, i will be back soon.

It's 4:01pm here...

tick

tock

tick

tock

 

[wildsweetone]

oh rats

i got it five minutes ago. want to see how it went?

lol


here it is...

Tzara wrote this somewhat flippantly. There was some sort of discussion on another thread about 'words not to use' two of which were gossamer and alabaster. (I think I'm right about this; maybe not) Anyway she wrote this little poem and I think it turned out quite nice!

Do YOU think so or not??? Discuss why...

You have 30 minutes- after that I pick up all the papers, she said primly.

flippantly - that kind of fits with the uneasy feeling i have about this poem. why... why... why... *thinking*

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.

please ignore my thinking out loud, i'll get there in the end, maybe...

in my opinion there is no substance to be able to call this a completed poem. it is a single vision (yes some poetry is based on single visions), but this one has no depth. there is some kind of 'idiocy' in the words, i.e. alabaster is heavy and therefore would not help him fly, (whatever 'he' is) and having alabaster wings does not fit the same image as having gossamer skin. it should perhaps be the other way around... alabaster skin, and gossamer wings. 'cup the air' gives me a vision of a shape that would 'hold' the air, but wings don't hold the air, they are lifted up on it, so 'cup the air' is a strange phrase. not to mention the fact that both those words are cliched in concrete on this site.

okay so it's beginning to make some sense to me now. the title refers to the design of an image that doesn't work. far out, i just got it. lmao (can you hear the cogs ticking over in my useless mind???)



my apologies Tzara. i understand your poem now.

and thanks Boo for giving me the kick up the backside to make me think beyond the brick wall.

 

[CharleyH]

As I always preface, Tzara, form or scansion are not my strong points. I am good to ask about what semiotics, since I try only to read what is there, and investigate different interpretive cultural options in this regard. This said, and in my reading your poem, I'm guessing you are North American. My approach to criticism is to read how and what is said, but with an emphasis on the latter because this is the way I read. Please don't be offended, since it is never my intention to do anything but read, and tell you how I read.

On a first reading I get no feeling, per se. I am not moved emotionally, so my second reading is more intellectual in approach. In reading a second time, I let the obvious wash over me. The obvious includes the first line:

Born under a bad sign, I guess.

First of all, I know that it is a cliché, but it's become such because of blues musicians – Buddy Guy, Coco Taylor, even Aaron Neville having redone this same title song many times through the years, but it is very astrological. In the second and third lines a myth of Icarus arises, it may not be the symbol you want since I don't recall alabaster, but it comes to my mind right now. Yet as Icarus fell, something else happens in your poem for me, so I need to read it a third time.

My third reading:

Born under a bad sign, I guess.

Uncertainty. Astrology is very significant in this line, if not the narrator, than it must have been a story told by someone else in order to question to be 'born under a bad sign, I guess".

Like Icarus, youthful and young, he, as Icarus is a he, is rebellious to the narrator because of the use of "I guess" and the narrator is not certain he/she cannot prove much to her/him and I will guess him. Someone tries and someone fails, at least in the narrators eyes.

The Icarus influence is delicate and submissive, even when he tries to be strong, which is very erotic in a way, because the narrator never says anything about elements after the first astrological line and then air, especially as it relates to the "bad sign" ... which seems to be air to the narrator (perhaps something more personal). The couple in this poem are not meant to be, at least as far as the author explains. There is both hardness and softness to elements as they relate to flight: alabaster, which can be both, but later a definite delicacy to gossamer, so I take alabaster as a duality and gossamer as certainty. Whoever it is He is too soft or indecisive for the author.

Is the narrator talking about self or another person with wings? I'm not certain in a way. Haste is waste in writing, perhaps. This, In one way this leads me to think of gay desires. The author refers to self first and then moves to something apart from self as if someone else, but is it in the self or without? I am not really clear. A only tears if they are wavering between things or hateful, and I see not hate here, I see inquiring as Icarus? I still see this. I still see astrology and flying away from something, only to be disappointed in the self or another, but am not clear on which, if either. I can only got on what I see and sybols used. I hope I have explained why.


My take.

Your questions?

1. you have my perception
2. Never short or long depending on your meaning and what you want to get across.
3. I think I like the symbolic language, but maybe that is not your purpose?
4. 4. I think I could use a touch more clarity about your language?
5. Dedications are useless on lit, but go for it.
6. I am Canadian, but that's an incestuous cousin
7. I doubt any great poet has made millions. To be known and studies is good enough

C

 

[BooMerengue]

oh rats

i got it five minutes ago. want to see how it went?

lol


here it is...






flippantly - that kind of fits with the uneasy feeling i have about this poem. why... why... why... *thinking*





please ignore my thinking out loud, i'll get there in the end, maybe...

in my opinion there is no substance to be able to call this a completed poem. it is a single vision (yes some poetry is based on single visions), but this one has no depth. there is some kind of 'idiocy' in the words, i.e. alabaster is heavy and therefore would not help him fly, (whatever 'he' is) and having alabaster wings does not fit the same image as having gossamer skin. it should perhaps be the other way around... alabaster skin, and gossamer wings. 'cup the air' gives me a vision of a shape that would 'hold' the air, but wings don't hold the air, they are lifted up on it, so 'cut the air' is a strange phrase. not to mention the fact that both those words are cliched in concrete on this site.

okay so it's beginning to make some sense to me now. the title refers to the design of an image that doesn't work. far out, i just got it. lmao (can you hear the cogs ticking over in my useless mind???)



my apologies Tzara. i understand your poem now.

and thanks Boo for giving me the kick up the backside to make me think beyond the brick wall.

You are welcome, darling. I just wish I could count this as MY critique. Cuz I suck at it. And I have to have 1 more. So I can post one of my poems here. But I haven't written any poems. And no one reads them except you WSO who are on my payroll. So I don't want it as my critique. Cuz if I have 2, then I have to write a poem.

Ever seen someone take their finger and play their lips?? Thats what I sound like.

 

[Rybka]

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.
Structurally:
third line - eliminate starting capitol and "the"
fifth line - eliminate starting capitol and "His"

I do have some fairly specific questions about this, but rather than muddy the results with the Rosenthal Effect, let me stick to these general questions:

Had to follow the link to the "Rosenthal Effect", but once there it was some what like the "Peter Principal", obvious, while the attribution was not.

1. What does the poem say or mean to you, if anything? (There is not a "right" response to this. I know what I think it means, but I want to know what you think it means, if anything. Checking on whether I am communicating well or not.) The first thing I see is the Greek fable. I didn't follow the links suggested by others to find anything else. I see the poem as using the same metaphor, where the protagonist "tried to fly" (succeed at something), but failed.

2. Is it too short? Too long? (And, for either response, why?)
Length is fine for the fable, perhaps more is needed for a 'dedicated' poem. (Or at least the dedication.)

3. What, if anything, did you like about the language?
It was English, so I could understand it. (I am not S.J., Lauren H., nor Liar.)

4. What, if anything, did you dislike about the language?
punctuation and capitalization.

5. This poem originally had a dedication (for ...) that was meant to be ironic. I removed it before placing the poem here. Are dedications pretentious?
No, not if they give information that adds to the understanding of the piece.

6. Are you American? (That isn't a gratuitous question. I actually have a reason for asking it. Of course, feel free not to answer it.)
I am a fish!

7. Am I fated to make millions as a poet, or should I work harder at my day job?
No poet has ever made "millions", keep working (and writing).

Anything else you'd like to say (e.g., "you've got a really dopey avatar") is, of course, welcome as well.
At times you post in a style that almost indicates that you do not respect the VPs of anyone else on this forum (You are not the only one). It is as if you want to 'demonstrate' your intellectual (read poetic talent (?) ) superiority so that no one will dare to challenge you or your work, but rather bow down and acknowledge your great intellect. - This gets old very fast. - People who think they know everything really PISS OFF those of us who do!

 

[wildsweetone]

You are welcome, darling. I just wish I could count this as MY critique. Cuz I suck at it. And I have to have 1 more. So I can post one of my poems here. But I haven't written any poems. And no one reads them except you WSO who are on my payroll. So I don't want it as my critique. Cuz if I have 2, then I have to write a poem.

Ever seen someone take their finger and play their lips?? Thats what I sound like.

honey, you cannot suck at critiquing poetry any more than me eh. lolol

i suck big time and it takes me six months of waffling to figure out why the heck i sucked so bad.

you are good at commenting. just write whatever somebody else's poem makes you feel and then see if you can figure out why. eventually it will get better. (that's how i started off with the 500 word feedback all those aeons ago - i'm not too bad an editor for prose now - it just takes time and effort and a thick skin so the egg just slides off to the ground *wink* ).

 

[Guest]

Tzara wrote this somewhat flippantly. There was some sort of discussion on another thread about 'words not to use' two of which were gossamer and alabaster. (I think I'm right about this; maybe not) Anyway she wrote this little poem and I think it turned out quite nice!

Do YOU think so or not??? Discuss why...

You have 30 minutes- after that I pick up all the papers, she said primly.

She's a he, Boo

I agree with you about the poem - now lay off the school marm act.

 

[Tzara]

She's a he, Boo

What a lovely and delicate color, Tess! One I like to wear when cross-dressing.

My initial thought was that Boo was confused because I need a haircut.

Hmmm. I wish.

 

[Vampiric_Mirage]

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.​

tz

Well, first of all, I'd like to say that if I repeat anything that has already been said, I'm sorry. Also, I don't mean any of this to be offensive, personally I like almost all poetry - this is simply a critique to hopefully help you understand how a reader (me) feels and reacts after reading your poem. To begin with, I may or may not be answering your questions (I'll hopefully get to those later), these are just disjointed thoughts that I've had after reading your poem.

First of all, I agree with the idea that "His" in line 3 should not be a capital letter. You haven't capitalized other times when you used the word "he," so there is no point to do so now.

Also, personally I think "He fell..." should start on a new line, but that's only because I think a new line should start after any period. (I know many people disagree with me on this)

The last line of the poem I find slightly weak, I think it's in the repition of the word "his" at the beginning of the line and the word "he" later in the line. Overall this just doesn't seem to be as solidly written as the rest of the poem.

BooMerengue, I think your comment about gossamer wings and alabaster skin is completely brilliant. I only wished that I had seen it myself also. Regardless, I wonder if the wording was intentional. I believe that it was, but I wonder why...gossamer skin to me immediately brought images to mind of how fragile humans are, how weak our skin is compared to other creatures, which partially shattered my view of this being about some sort of creature, unless you are talking about a messed-up Frankenstein-type character.

Which leads me to suddenly jump tracks in my head and consider the idea of cloning and science in general? I am nearly 100% certain that I am completely on the wrong track, but the title "Unintelligent Design" I know is important. Is this creature a result of human science that has not yet got all of the kinks out of it? meh, ok, I'll stop there before I go too far into a tangent that is unrelated to what I think the poem may mean, or at least what I think the poem does not mean.

Not to be contrary or anything, but I personally like the "I guess" at the end of the first line. It showed that the writer/narrator wasn't omniscient. Maybe I'm reading too much into the poem, but I felt it was trying to make the narrator seem human and possibly confused...searching for the meaning in what had happened to this being and why, and not truly finding a suitable answer.

Furthermore, I liked the words "wings would" together. The slight amount of alliteration I feel adds to the poem. The words seem to slide off your tongue smoothly, completely at odds with the almost uncomfortable feel of the poem, creating a little bit of maybe unconscious friction between the words and the meaning of the poem (whatever that may be?!?).

I definately understand how this could be Icarus or even Lucifer. Personally, I just imagined some unnamed creature or person, striving to be the best they could and failing. Whether the words are to be taken literally or figuratively change the whole meaning of the poem. Maybe it is a financial class or even racial comment of some sort? Is it prejudice or poverty that prevents this person from 'flying'? (I don't really think it is, I'm just not sure what it is saying exactly, so I'm just typing random thoughts as they come to me).

Or maybe it is just a regular human, trying to fly? "cup the air" makes me think of hands trying to cup the air. Are you saying that the human design is flawed/unintelligent? I won't say I disagree with you on this, but I admit the possibility of this as the meaning of the poem surprised me. This seems like the most likely 'answer' to the poem in my opinion...

I'm sure I'm probably missing something though, because I have no knowledge of political or scientific current issues, and for some reason I think that may play a factor in this poem?

Either way, I like the way this poem makes you think and try to reason out what it means. Although I felt no emotional attachment to the poem, it more than makes up for this in the intellectual reactions it creates. The poem demands that the reader read it more than once, but no matter how often you read it, unless you actually know what it is 'supposed' to be about, there are just too many possibilities. Which leads me to answer at least one of your questions, is the poem too short or long? No, neither. It is brief enough to make us thing and long enough to give us some vague image to think about.

As for the dedication, I can not say whether you should or should not add it without knowing what it is. Although most dedications aren't pretentious, how am I to know if this one is or not without ever reading it? Personally, I think you should post the dedication just so we could know what it is, which may further help to clarify the poem in some ways.

No, I am not American. I am proudly Canadian, and I would really like to know what this has to do with anything. As someone from North America should I know more than I do, does this somehow relate to something I should know about? (Maybe I should start reading the news and paying attention to the world around me?)

As for making millions as a poet, how about you keep your job and try to make as much as possible writing, and give some of the money you make to the people who hopefully helped you to make your writing even better than it already is? Psst, that's supposed to include me...

Okay, well I think that is all I have to say. Although I know readers quite often interpret a poem very differently than a writer intends it, I would love to know what exactly you meant when you wrote this. My idea still is that this is about the flaws in the human design, and is the story of the fall of man maybe? Anyway, if you could PM me or even post the answer here when people stop giving feedback on your poem it would be greatly appreciated!

Good luck with the poem and with making millions!

 

[twelveoone]

Unintelligent Design

Born under a bad sign, I guess.
When first he tried to soar,
His alabaster wings would not cup the air
Nor flex. He fell, and falling,
His gossamer skin he tore.​

I do have some fairly specific questions about this, but rather than muddy the results with the Rosenthal Effect, let me stick to these general questions:

1. What does the poem say or mean to you, if anything? (There is not a "right" response to this. I know what I think it means, but I want to know what you think it means, if anything. Checking on whether I am communicating well or not.)
2. Is it too short? Too long? (And, for either response, why?)
3. What, if anything, did you like about the language?
4. What, if anything, did you dislike about the language?
5. This poem originally had a dedication (for ...) that was meant to be ironic. I removed it before placing the poem here. Are dedications pretentious?
6. Are you American? (That isn't a gratuitous question. I actually have a reason for asking it. Of course, feel free not to answer it.)
7. Am I fated to make millions as a poet, or should I work harder at my day job?

Anything else you'd like to say (e.g., "you've got a really dopey avatar") is, of course, welcome as well.

Thank you all in advance.

tz

I read your crack about the New Yorker

Scoping this out, it is more than you just monkeying around with cliches.
The lead off line with it's semiotic "bad sign" calls attention to a whole host of associations that Tzara wants us to make. The sign refered to is a red neon "Vacancy" a sign Norman Bates was born under, a bad sign indeed. Doesn't matter, the key is Red and Vacancy.
Next, there are two concrete objects described as alabaster and gossamer. I know some might suggest this argement is flimsy and won't fly, however both are white, that is the key here: White.
Tzara apes the Icarus legend here, and the desent of man into the sea, where he made a big splash. Both the sky and the sea are Blue.
The reason for the "are you an American?" is obvious now, we have the colours and reversing it we have the national anthem.
from see to vacant-see

Mods - don't delete - two can play this game, eh?
I cheated, I played it backwards.

 

[twelveoone]

don't bother asking about cup

 

[BooMerengue]

Tris?? Tzara?? I am a she. I didn't know there was doubt about that. LOL

I was speaking as me the schoolmarm! LOL I knew the guy in the poem was a he. A she wouldn't tolerate alabaster wings- a she would know better! LOL

 

[poststructuralist]

A Reading of the Poem "Unintelligent Design"

Starting from the idea, suggested by Hélène Cixous and others, that all writing is sexual in nature and preoccupied with the body (certainly a not unreasonable assumption given that Literotica is a site associated with "erotic literature" and pornography), we can almost immediately begin to see the value of this iconographic critical approach. Consider the first line of the poem:

Born under a bad sign, I guess.​

An obvious reference to astrology but also to the "blues" (the song performed by Albert King and others)—sex and/or sexual impotence. As will be seen shortly, this suggests the temperamental nature of the nameless protagonist's erection. (Notably, the second line of the blues song is "I’ve been down since I began to crawl"—another reference to impotence.) "I guess" suggests the uncertain nature of "his" ability to perform the sexual act.

When first he tried to soar​

The erection has now emerged from whatever confinement of clothing had concealed it. "Soar" implies height (above ground) and the climbing (continuing the flooding—with lustful blood—of the corpus cavernosa) of the penis towards full erection.

His alabaster wings​

At first glance, a curious phrase. "Alabaster" is a clear reference to something white (Caucasian) and hard. "Wings" is momentarily puzzling until we realize that this is a reference to birds (flight again) and in particular to the 'V' shape that wings in flight make. Here is again a reference to sexual insecurity—the man has obviously taken Viagra to help with what is undoubtedly a history of erectile dysfunction (ED).

would not cup the air/Nor flex.​

Alas, though, the drug proves inefficacious. The member does not "cup the air" (curve upward) nor "flex" (a subtle implied double entendre for "sex").

He fell, and falling,​

The battle with phosphodiesterase (the erection-defeating enzyme that Viagra counteracts) is now lost and the tide is turned as the erection begins to erode into detumescence.

His gossamer skin he tore.​

The man, humbled, sexually humiliated before his waiting partner, angrily rips off the protective condom ("gossamer skin") that has been worn in order to practice safe sex.

In short, the poem is a typically self-centered—one is tempted to say even mentally masturbatory—lament for the unreliable sexuality experienced by the older members of the male sex. Hence the title, which rails at the foibles of natural selection with its random mutations and the fickleness of the Darwinian process:

Unintelligent Design​

 

[Vampiric_Mirage]

Starting from the idea, suggested by Hélène Cixous and others, that all writing is sexual in nature and preoccupied with the body (certainly a not unreasonable assumption given that Literotica is a site associated with "erotic literature" and pornography), we can almost immediately begin to see the value of this iconographic critical approach. Consider the first line of the poem:

Born under a bad sign, I guess.​

An obvious reference to astrology but also to the "blues" (the song performed by Albert King and others)—sex and/or sexual impotence. As will be seen shortly, this suggests the temperamental nature of the nameless protagonist's erection. (Notably, the second line of the blues song is "I’ve been down since I began to crawl"—another reference to impotence.) "I guess" suggests the uncertain nature of "his" ability to perform the sexual act.

When first he tried to soar​

The erection has now emerged from whatever confinement of clothing had concealed it. "Soar" implies height (above ground) and the climbing (continuing the flooding—with lustful blood—of the corpus cavernosa) of the penis towards full erection.

His alabaster wings​

At first glance, a curious phrase. "Alabaster" is a clear reference to something white (Caucasian) and hard. "Wings" is momentarily puzzling until we realize that this is a reference to birds (flight again) and in particular to the 'V' shape that wings in flight make. Here is again a reference to sexual insecurity—the man has obviously taken Viagra to help with what is undoubtedly a history of erectile dysfunction (ED).

would not cup the air/Nor flex.​

Alas, though, the drug proves inefficacious. The member does not "cup the air" (curve upward) nor "flex" (a subtle implied double entendre for "sex").

He fell, and falling,​

The battle with phosphodiesterase (the erection-defeating enzyme that Viagra counteracts) is now lost and the tide is turned as the erection begins to erode into detumescence.

His gossamer skin he tore.​

The man, humbled, sexually humiliated before his waiting partner, angrily rips off the protective condom ("gossamer skin") that has been worn in order to practice safe sex.

In short, the poem is a typically self-centered—one is tempted to say even mentally masturbatory—lament for the unreliable sexuality experienced by the older members of the male sex. Hence the title, which rails at the foibles of natural selection with its random mutations and the fickleness of the Darwinian process:

Unintelligent Design​

Wow...that is such an almost plausible and solidly based explanation of the poem that it is scary. Once again, this proves that anything can be seen as a sexual reference if only you look hard enough. And this was even from a "virgin" of only one post...interesting...

 

[BooMerengue]

What a lovely and delicate color, Tess! One I like to wear when cross-dressing.

My initial thought was that Boo was confused because I need a haircut.

Hmmm. I wish.

Wait... Tzara is a guy????