2nd Story: The Colonoscoper and the Snake Charmeuse

[wanderlustress]

2nd Story: The Colonoscoper and the Snake Charmeuse (Anal)

Hello All!

My second story is up and running:

Title: The Colonoscoper and the Snake Charmeuse

Description: A profound exploration on Canal Street.

Category: Anal

It's an over-the-top humorous (but hopefully hot as well) deeeeeeeeply anal tale. Not exactly Science-Fiction but a glimpse - and a surreal romp - into a parallel universe of anatomical incorrectness.

Oh, and if you like the story a vote would be appreciated.

Enjoy!

wanderlustress

 

[jomar]

Done.

 

[wanderlustress]

Done.

Oh, how nice! Thank you!

 

[jomar]

Your welcome. I plan to get to your other one soon.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

First of all...

V.'s cock, like his reputation, precedes him, reaching almost to his knees in its semi-erect state, wagging from left to right, clearing the way to the sofa like a blind man's cane. His excitement is apparent; a clear filament—similar to the dewy radius of a spider's web—extends from his prick's winking eye, a laser beam descending towards the ground.

Our clothes and footwear came off immediately once beyond V.'s apartment door and now lie in a cashmere, wool and leather pyre on the floor beside it. He wants me to put on the wide belt I was wearing so I pick it from the jumble and fasten it tightly around my slender naked waist. We have kissed, inhaling the other's breath nearly to the point of fainting. We have touched almost every square inch of each other's warm damp skin.

The first paragraph sounds like the day dream of a 14 year old boy. I'm left to ask, is this story about? V's cock? Or something else. The opening is pretty thin.

The second paragraph has two obvious problems. Why are your clothes on a "PYRE"? Did you mean pile? A Pyre is a fire built to burn corpses. Second, why does she (whoever she is) have to put on the "wide belt" she is ALREADY wearing?

Third paragraph -

The sofa is curved—resembling a banquette in an Art Deco restaurant—the remaining half from a pair which together made a circle; one crescent mirroring the other. It is upholstered in shiny patinaed leather the color of Burgundy.

Is this really important? Do I need to know exactly what the sofa is like? You give a better discription of the sofa than the characters.

Frankly, that's as far as I got before clicking the back button. Your story is confused. I am left with no clear idea of what the story is about. Is it about fucking? Is it about V's cock? Is it about the sofa? In three paragraphs you never told me.

I'm not being obsteperous. I'm making a point. The readers on Lit will give you one, maybe two paragraphs to grab them by the balls and hold their interest. If you don't do that, "CLICK" and you are done.

Over all the writing was alright, but the ideas were not well shown. That's what you need to work on. The next story, before you type one single letter...stop and ask yourself - What is this story about? That gives you the first paragraph. Next, ask yourself, where is this? Wow! Second paragraph done.

Intermixed in the first two paragraphs, you will introduce your main character. Then in paragraph three your character takes on action and the story is good to go.

Cut out all the superfluous crap. I don't care if the sofa was gold plated and sitting in the Oval Office at the White House. It doesn't really move your story along. Jenny Rule #2 ---> Characters make action. Scenery doesn't do anything but lay there and take up space.

Don't mean to be hard on you, but you can do better.

 

[wanderlustress]

Yes, the story is totally about V.'s cock. That is why I introduce it in the first paragraph the way I do - one could even say that the cock itself is a character; it is the Snake of the title.

Technically, a pyre is the wood heaped for the ceremonial burning of corpses and yes, I did in fact mean pyre, not pile, though I was actually playing on both words. The play on pyre was to indicate the heat possibly generated from a heap of discarded clothing belonging to two people themselves in a lustful ardor.

"Our clothes and footwear came off immediately once beyond V.'s apartment door and now lie in a cashmere, wool and leather pyre on the floor beside it. He wants me to put on the wide belt I was wearing so I pick it from the jumble and fasten it tightly around my slender naked waist."

She was wearing the belt but had thrown it to the floor with the rest of her clothing. They are naked. He asks her to put the belt back on. I don't see where that is not clear in the above paragraph.

(More to say but I must go to sleep right now.)

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yes, the story is totally about V.'s cock. That is why I introduce it in the first paragraph the way I do - one could even say that the cock itself is a character; it is the Snake of the title.

Then tell us that. Then go on to explain how you can develop the character of a cock.

Technically, a pyre is the wood heaped for the ceremonial burning of corpses and yes, I did in fact mean pyre, not pile, though I was actually playing on both words. The play on pyre was to indicate the heat possibly generated from a heap of discarded clothing belonging to two people themselves in a lustful ardor.

It didn't work. You may think you have pulled off some incredible imagry by using that word, but you failed. The word is wrong. What you have done is insert the image of death and corruption into the line (conmotation). In order for it to work you would have had to explain it in text and used it as a simile. Even then it would be a poor choice.

"Our clothes and footwear came off immediately once beyond V.'s apartment door and now lie in a cashmere, wool and leather pyre on the floor beside it. He wants me to put on the wide belt I was wearing so I pick it from the jumble and fasten it tightly around my slender naked waist."

She was wearing the belt but had thrown it to the floor with the rest of her clothing. They are naked. He asks her to put the belt back on. I don't see where that is not clear in the above paragraph.

(More to say but I must go to sleep right now.)

Your line reads: "He wants me to put on the wide belt I was wearing..." This should read, "He wants me to put on the wide belt I had been wearing..."

Try as you might, your writing is confused, inconcise and your word choice is poor at best. Get over it.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Jenny Rule #2 ---> Characters make action. Scenery doesn't do anything but lay there and take up space.

As a girl of the theatre, I must disagree. In films, in plays, heck, in books, the scene saves you explaining stuff. If you just say New York, or Oklahoma, you've put your reader in a scene they can picture.

Haven't read the story. May apologize later.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

IMHO, I think you have got this one wrong and I believe that Jenny has given really good advice.

Don't get me wrong, I think you have writing skills but there is no plot or tension here. Your first story was much better but, perhaps wrongly, I feel you are indulging yourself here. I get the impression you are writing for yourself and not for an audience,

Tell me if I'm wrong.

 

[Dragonteeth]

How interesting...

Well People are entitled to their opinion and there have been some valid coments made here, but I don't agree with some of them.

Yes, wanderlustress needs to work a little with gramar and such but her imagery is challenging, not wrong. I don't belive "wrong" is ever apropriate in that context.

To read a piece like that, you need to step outside your comfort zone and look at things with a fresh perspective. It's basically surrealist and that's never going to be a popular style, indeed it's usually misunderstood.

The question is whether the author feels comnfortable in this style or if she wishes to court a larger audience and adjust her writing accordingly.

 

[wanderlustress]

Then tell us that. Then go on to explain how you can develop the character of a cock.

Had you read the entire 15-paragraph story instead of giving up at the third you might have seen this development. Obviously this was not for you and you did the right thing to stop reading it but I don't see how you can profess to seriously "critique" a work you did not actually read in full beyond saying it was not your cup of tea.

It didn't work. You may think you have pulled off some incredible imagry by using that word, but you failed. The word is wrong. What you have done is insert the image of death and corruption into the line (conmotation). In order for it to work you would have had to explain it in text and used it as a simile. Even then it would be a poor choice.

The word may have been wrong for you but not for others. What grabs one person's balls (proverbially or not) may not grab another's. Ball-grabbing and appeal are very subjective.

Your line reads: "He wants me to put on the wide belt I was wearing..." This should read, "He wants me to put on the wide belt I had been wearing..."

Try as you might, your writing is confused, inconcise and your word choice is poor at best. Get over it.

I ran this story by one of the editors here before submitting it - one who is a stickler, as all editors should be, for things grammatical. No mention was made of incorrect grammar. Perhaps it eluded us both. Or maybe it's about reading more carefully. I think both choices work. Maybe one is clearer than the other. You may be right. I would have to have an expert grammarian tell me that only one is correct.

IMHO, I think you have got this one wrong and I believe that Jenny has given really good advice.

Don't get me wrong, I think you have writing skills but there is no plot or tension here. Your first story was much better but, perhaps wrongly, I feel you are indulging yourself here. I get the impression you are writing for yourself and not for an audience,

Tell me if I'm wrong.

I have always been taught that one must write for oneself, first and foremost. That is the only way you can be true to the writing and to yourself. I am not writing for an audience per se but I know there is one, albeit smaller than that of some other writers here. That is fine with me. I am hoping the people who enjoy my kind of approach will find and appreciate my stuff. Trying to write for everyone is an impossible task and one that doesn't interest me.

How interesting...

Well People are entitled to their opinion and there have been some valid coments made here, but I don't agree with some of them.

Yes, wanderlustress needs to work a little with gramar and such but her imagery is challenging, not wrong. I don't belive "wrong" is ever apropriate in that context.

To read a piece like that, you need to step outside your comfort zone and look at things with a fresh perspective. It's basically surrealist and that's never going to be a popular style, indeed it's usually misunderstood.

Bingo!

The question is whether the author feels comnfortable in this style or if she wishes to court a larger audience and adjust her writing accordingly.

I think I answered that above. This is indeed the essence of it all. Yes, I am very comfortable in my writing style. As far as courting a larger audience that would be lovely but if it means I must adjust my writing accordingly it's not going to happen, alas. I wouldn't be happy and the writing would, in my opinion, be disingenuous and formulaic. And where would one begin? You cannot please everyone, and I speak not just about myself but in general.

 

[Dragonteeth]

Your line reads: "He wants me to put on the wide belt I was wearing..." This should read, "He wants me to put on the wide belt I had been wearing..."

I ran this story by one of the editors here before submitting it - one who is a stickler, as all editors should be, for things grammatical. No mention was made of incorrect grammar. Perhaps it eluded us both. Or maybe it's about reading more carefully. I think both choices work. Maybe one is clearer than the other. You may be right. I would have to have an expert grammarian tell me that only one is correct.

Sorry, but jenny is right on that score...

Maybe your editor missed a trick, they really should have questioned some points in this story.

 

[wanderlustress]

Sorry, but jenny is right on that score...

Maybe your editor missed a trick, they really should have questioned some points in this story.

I stand corrected, then.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think Wanderlustress needs to call these pieces "Vignettes" instead of stories. They are more like prose poems than what we expect to read. There are a number of well-respected authors who have done work like this- Nabokov, Poe, and Umberto Ecco, for instance. This is extremely stylistic writing; word-painting, non-linear.

No plot, no tension? I disagree with that. One thing that pulls me in to these stories is her use of the present/future tenses. This device creates a real tension, between the teller's fantastical desires and what we all know may actually happen, which is nothing like. And that particular tension remains unresolved, although the teller brings her fantasy to a satisfactory close. To me, that's a real accomplishment. The future tense pieces are like magical chanting, as if the teller is convinced that by repeating often enough she will get what she's hoping for. (Kind of like "I love you" in that respect.)

I might have changed the word "pyre" but it went right past me, really. I was struck by the imagery of the clothes burning up, symbolically, and went on to why the people that had been wearing the clothing were burning.

I've suggested to Wanderlustress that she find a different venue for these stories as they fall into an avant-garde category that will not be widely appreciated here on lit.

 

[Dragonteeth]

I think Wanderlustress needs to call these pieces "Vignettes" instead of stories. They are more like prose poems than what we expect to read. There are a number of well-respected authors who have done work like this- Nabokov, Poe, and Umberto Ecco, for instance. This is extremely stylistic writing; word-painting, non-linear.

No plot, no tension? I disagree with that. One thing that pulls me in to these stories is her use of the present/future tenses. This device creates a real tension, between the teller's fantastical desires and what we all know may actually happen, which is nothing like. And that particular tension remains unresolved, although the teller brings her fantasy to a satisfactory close. To me, that's a real accomplishment. The future tense pieces are like magical chanting, as if the teller is convinced that by repeating often enough she will get what she's hoping for. (Kind of like "I love you" in that respect.)

I might have changed the word "pyre" but it went right past me, really. I was struck by the imagery of the clothes burning up, symbolically, and went on to why the people that had been wearing the clothing were burning.

I've suggested to Wanderlustress that she find a different venue for these stories as they fall into an avant-garde category that will not be widely appreciated here on lit.

I'm gonna agree with most of that...

Vignettes is an excellet word, and a different venue might well be what's required.

Do let us know where you end up though, 'cos I for one would like to read more.

 

[CopyCarver]

Sorry, but jenny is right on that score...

Maybe your editor missed a trick, they really should have questioned some points in this story.

Sorry, dude, but I both questioned and debated several "tricks" with myself, before letting the "mistakes" stand in the interest of author's intent, personal preference, and individual style over rigid seventh-grade-English-class grammar. The same is true of pyre, for the very reason Stella Omega notes.

One of the few worthwhile things Kipling ever wrote was his dictum,"There are nine-and-sixty-ways of composing tribal lays. And every single one of them is right." Unfortunately, there are always people who assume only their own way is right and the other 68 are wrong--thereby missing both the entire point and a wealth of good writing.

 

[Dragonteeth]

Sorry, dude, but I both questioned and debated several "tricks" with myself, before letting the "mistakes" stand in the interest of author's intent, personal preference, and individual style over rigid seventh-grade-English-class grammar. The same is true of pyre, for the very reason Stella Omega notes.

One of the few worthwhile things Kipling ever wrote was his dictum,"There are nine-and-sixty-ways of composing tribal lays. And every single one of them is right." Unfortunately, there are always people who assume only their own way is right and the other 68 are wrong--thereby missing both the entire point and a wealth of good writing.

You don't find me arguing over words like "pyre", which are frankly stylistic decisions, and I agree with Stella too, but I do think the editor should have discussed the "errors" rather than letting them stand. At least that way the Author could have made an informed decision, and perhaps avoided some unpleasant criticism. As you say, there are many ways to write English, and some rules of grammar can be flexed.

That, at least would be the nature of the relationship I would seek with an editor.

 

[CopyCarver]

Emily Litella redux

Emily Litella redux

 

[CopyCarver]

You don't find me arguing over words like "pyre", which are frankly stylistic decisions, and I agree with Stella too, but I do think the editor should have discussed the "errors" rather than letting them stand. At least that way the Author could have made an informed decision, and perhaps avoided some unpleasant criticism. As you say, there are many ways to write English, and some rules of grammar can be flexed.

That, at least would be the nature of the relationship I would seek with an editor.

And you won't hear me arguing against informed decision--a commodity that is in short supply in virtually every arena. The reality, however, is that wanderlustress was well-informed long before she ever heard of you or me, and that she made an informed decision when she intentionally chose atypical style, expression, and subject matter--knowing full well that it wouldn't appeal to everyone.

Then too, avoiding unpleasant criticism probably doesn't make the top ten list of reasons for writing. If it were, in fact, the goal, then never writing anything would be the only effective tactic, since any phrase longer than two words can be criticized in some manner.

As a case in point, I could snivel at great length about your use of an upper case A in author, which is not used as a proper noun.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It's a fucking fantasy piece! What's the problem?

Stella's right. It's a vignette, a surreal, poetic, dreamlike sexual act in which character and story don't really matter. It's like a Dali painting, a fantastic dream in which what we notice is the vividnmess of the language and the startling originality of the imagery.

To me, the use of the word "pyre" is beautiful - a grabber. A pyre is what's used to consume a dead body and set the spirit free, and the fact that her clothes are placed in a "pyre" implies that her public self is going to be burned and her true self set free by this sexual act.

I also thought that opening the image of V's cock tapping along like a blind man's cane was at first embarrassingly juvenile, but then, as the surreal context of the story became clear, it took on a more poetic, nicely menacing aspect - his cock leading him through the darkness.

This is certainly not the usual Lit offering. It's not really a story, there's no real character involvement or development beyond the sex, but I don't think anyone can say that the imagery is less than brilliant (the chinese finger trap, the Soul Train engine {or am I the only one old enough to remember that?}, the saxophone bell, the image of his cock ejaculating inside her mouth), and, understood as it is, I think it's a wickedly clever and funny piece of work, myself.

I doubt most people will get it and I don't expect it to do very well in the voting, but I for one love to see people experiment and push the envelope, and this is one of the most creative pieces I've seen here in years.

--Zoot

 

[Stella_Omega]

IMHO, I think you have got this one wrong and I believe that Jenny has given really good advice.

Don't get me wrong, I think you have writing skills but there is no plot or tension here. Your first story was much better but, perhaps wrongly, I feel you are indulging yourself here. I get the impression you are writing for yourself and not for an audience,

Tell me if I'm wrong.

One of my pieces, "The Snake" is written from inside the mind of a illiterate transvestite in a distopian future. If I'd made grammatical sense, the personality wouldn't have been visible at all.

I got a PM almost immediately, explaining to me that I should take the time to learn how to write well, but that if I worked at it, I would become a better writer, and also, that I could get an editor if I asked for one.

I thanked him and agreed that my intention was always- to become a better writer

 

[wanderlustress]

I've suggested to Wanderlustress that she find a different venue for these stories as they fall into an avant-garde category that will not be widely appreciated here on lit.

Yes, we've talked about this, 'tis true. I appreciate the avant-garde label but I'm not sure I am avant-garde exactly. That would depend on what you mean. Or in this case is it to mean "not fitting into the categories at hand"? I've always considered myself a collaging Dadaist/Surrealist and I operate from that POV.

 

[Dragonteeth]

It's a fucking fantasy piece! What's the problem?

Stella's right. It's a vignette, a surreal, poetic, dreamlike sexual act in which character and story don't really matter. It's like a Dali painting, a fantastic dream in which what we notice is the vividnmess of the language and the startling originality of the imagery.

To me, the use of the word "pyre" is beautiful - a grabber. A pyre is what's used to consume a dead body and set the spirit free, and the fact that her clothes are placed in a "pyre" implies that her public self is going to be burned and her true self set free by this sexual act.

I also thought that opening the image of V's cock tapping along like a blind man's cane was at first embarrassingly juvenile, but then, as the surreal context of the story became clear, it took on a more poetic, nicely menacing aspect - his cock leading him through the darkness.

This is certainly not the usual Lit offering. It's not really a story, there's no real character involvement or development beyond the sex, but I don't think anyone can say that the imagery is less than brilliant (the chinese finger trap, the Soul Train engine {or am I the only one old enough to remember that?}, the saxophone bell, the image of his cock ejaculating inside her mouth), and, understood as it is, I think it's a wickedly clever and funny piece of work, myself.

I doubt most people will get it and I don't expect it to do very well in the voting, but I for one love to see people experiment and push the envelope, and this is one of the most creative pieces I've seen here in years.

--Zoot

I found the imagery compelling, and the whole episode highly enjoyable. I gave it a "5" and I have posted a review on my own thread.

Whatever else, it seems to have raised some strong opinions. Is that a good thing?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yes, we've talked about this, 'tis true. I appreciate the avant-garde label but I'm not sure I am avant-garde exactly. That would depend on what you mean. Or in this case is it to mean "not fitting into the categories at hand"? I've always considered myself a collaging Dadaist/Surrealist and I operate from that POV.

Well, you're not in the mainstream, anyway- not on this site... I think if you added the word "surreal" into your descriptors it might help- Not a whole lot, but some...

 

[wanderlustress]

If I submit another piece like this I will certainly put a caveat as a preface, just to let people know what they are getting into. Also, this piece is challenging in terms of a read, period. It is not an easy-read stroker piece, although I enjoy and can write those, too. It requires something on the part of the reader.

I just checked it in WORD and it's on a Flesh-Kincaid Grade Level of 10.30 with a reading ease level that coincides with such a score. I have no problem with that but it may be too much work for others which is fine with me. (I understand. Sometimes I want an easier read myself!) So, they can click on to another story. There is something on Literotica to accomodate everyone. But if one is prepared to sink into this and concentrate on the reading one might find it rewarding.

I would hope, though, that a reader interested in a more mainstream offering would not condemn this piece for not falling into that category. It is what it is. You cannot make a banana into an apple. In my humble opinion diversity makes for an interesting horserace, but that also depends on what horsetrack you frequent.

Well, you're not in the mainstream, anyway- not on this site... I think if you added the word "surreal" into your descriptors it might help- Not a whole lot, but some...