2nd story posted, feedback would be great.

[Zaudika]

Ok everyone.. here's part one of the story I've been trying to work on.. continue.. etc.. for a couple of weeks. In being honest with myself, I know part of the story doesnt flow superly well, and it definitely has problems. After writing my first story though, I just wasn't able to get this one to flow as well as I wanted it to.. finally cutting it short at the end, where it is my plan to come back and do another chapter (part) to it.
Don't worry about being brutally honest in your feedback.. I appreciate it more. Of course any positive notes are appreciated also..
The link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=68418

oh.. BDSM punishment type story.

 

[kristydoll]

Part of why I like reading bdsm stories is because it is the lifestyle that I live. Saying that, I had a hard time getting through the first part of the story only because I would have liked to see a 'cooling off' period for him first before the 'punishment'. This is only my personal opinion of this because I am one who lives by the rule of 'never punish in anger'.

Saying that, afterwards, I enjoyed the story. It's not just the straight 'spanking' scene that is used so often. You're use of the clamps and her table experience adds to this.

I do think that you could tighten up your writing a bit more - in punctuation and word choices. This is something I am also trying to avoid - too many sentences starting with 'ing' words.

And the end, as you said, was cut a little short. I think you could have continued the scene further plus left room to continue another chapter.

Keep writing! On the whole, I enjoyed *smiles*

kristy

 

[Zaudika]

Part of why I like reading bdsm stories is because it is the lifestyle that I live. Saying that, I had a hard time getting through the first part of the story only because I would have liked to see a 'cooling off' period for him first before the 'punishment'. This is only my personal opinion of this because I am one who lives by the rule of 'never punish in anger'.

Thank you for your comments Kristy, I much appreciate them as always.. your feeback is always helpful.
I especially thank you greatly for mentioning this cooling off period. The bdsm lifestyle.. dom/sub lifestyle is one i have lived before also, though not to a point that i've desired, yet. (without going into a lot of detail, 'still looking' would best describe what i mean) .... It was really quite braindead for me to forget about what an important factor you pointed out here. (not to insult myself..but truely.. it was a mistake).. thank you again deeply hon..
-Z

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Hi Zaudika,

I enjoyed reading your story, thanks for posting it

In BDSM-stories, I think, you always need to find a good balance between adding in the proper amount of explanation and thought/idea background and avoiding to be superfluous to the BDSM-experienced reader. It's often a delicate part of the writing of this genre.

With this in mind I would add just a little more on the rules that exist between this Master and his slave. Punishment should serve a purpose and that purpose should be made clear to the reader if you want to avoid the punishment just falling out of the air.
After punishment there is always catharsis, forgiving. BDSM is almost religious in that respect: the punishment symbolically reinstates the relationship between Master and submissive.
It may be personal and maybe I'm arguing solely from the Dom-perspective, but I always value that element being included in a BDSM story; your piece ended a bit abruptly in that respect, as others already noted as well.

Hope this helps a little,

keep the writing going

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Nice story. While I'm not exactly sure of the lifestyle of BDSM it was a good read. I agree with Kristy though, it does need some tightening and ended to fast. Keep up the good work.
Wicked

My Stories

 

[Zaudika]

Re: A few comments

Hi Zaudika,

I enjoyed reading your story, thanks for posting it

In BDSM-stories, I think, you always need to find a good balance between adding in the proper amount of explanation and thought/idea background and avoiding to be superfluous to the BDSM-experienced reader. It's often a delicate part of the writing of this genre.

Thank you also Paul for the feedback, some of the things you've pointed out are definitely important also. All ideas and thoughts like this help so much because it helps me improve my writing.

I think that yes I should've finished the story.. I think I was feeling discouraged about the story.. because it was taking so much longer to write.. and I wasn't even sure I *was* going to finish it.
Thank you again everyone for the feedback, because the thoughts and ideas have made it so I can revise and fix the story.. then I'll resubmit it to be updated when I finally finish.

 

[Zaudika]

Nice story. While I'm not exactly sure of the lifestyle of BDSM it was a good read. I agree with Kristy though, it does need some tightening and ended to fast. Keep up the good work.
Wicked

Thank you Wicked .. your feedback is especially important to me because as you said you not sure of the lifestyle of bdsm.
I've discussed bdsm, rules,.. helped people explore it before, and its my goal to eventually be able to portray that though my stories also. It seems its been difficult to get my brain to work that way though...
Will continue to work..and over time get better.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Zaudika,

First may I say you seem a little unsure of this story. I've written stories like that too, and I have found the best way to deal with them is to put them away for a few weeks or months. After that I don't find all the little bumps, but I like to think I iron out most of them at that stage.

Please bear in mind that much of what I have commented on here is just my personal preferences and opinions.

This is what I noted:

I think you could have included a whole lot more detail in your first paragraph. It all just seemed to move too quickly for me. Like wham bam she's though the door and on the floor in just a couple of sentences. I saw a great opportunity for a good tension filled build up here. Her on one side of the door timid and nervous, palms sweating, perhaps hesitating before entering, and him on the other side, strong and cool, commanding her full obedience, and impatient at being kept waiting. The door opens, and whammo, the story bursts into hot sizzling action all over the screen!

Maybe this just me, but the Dom in your story seemed more like an ill-tempered wife-bashing husband than a master. Much of the dialog particulary didn't to me have a bdsm feel about it. Please, that's just my humble opinion, others may disagree with me completely. There's really no right or wrong is there? I just like to believe bdsm is about self control as much as control over another person.

E.g. "I know damned well you made a mistake." He was standing over her, and she dared not move.

I would have preferred something like - "Yes, you have made a mistake haven't you my dear, and now I will have to punish you. It's the only way little ones like you learn isn't it?" Or "You have displeased me, and now I must punish you. You know it will hurt me as much as it hurts you."

Even if you want your dom character to be an angry one, Kristy is right, he needs to cool down before punishing his submissive.

...viciously growled...

O.k, I'm being picky as all hell here, but a growl is a sound. He can say something with a growl, but he can't growl it, and it can't be vicious, it can only sound vicious. Remember too, adverbs are not an authors friends, try to avoid them and use fuller descriptions.

She said finished quietly and lamely.
There's only one thing weaker than an adverb and that's two adverbs. - She said, her voice trailing off, as she realised her explanation had been in vain.

Tears sprang to her eyes as he said the words. Oh how she hated upsetting him, and she knew she'd really screwed up.


I saw several problems here. Tears don't spring, tears well up in your eyes. 'as he said the words', should be, 'as he spoke'. Now this is just my opinion here. She didn't really upset him that much did she? Isn't bdsm just a delicious little game power exchange between a dominant and a submissive? And, I don't think 'screwed up' really worked here either, it just sounds too casual to me. - Tears welled up in her eyes as he spoke. She had disappointed him.

"Yes Sir." She said it quietly as a tear spilled down her cheek leaving a small wet trail to her chin. The thought alone of being demoted to calling him "Sir" again was horrible enough. Hearing herself speak it, brought it home, making it worse.

"Yes Sir," she whispered as a tears spilled..... By the way this is a good and powerful passage.

...his impatience got the best of him. Wrapping his fist around the delicate cloth...

His impatience got the better of him. Wrapping his fingers around the delicate cloth..

Misused words here and there don't seem like a big deal, but they will distract yor reader. I think this may be one of the reasons you feel your story is not flowing as well I you would like it to. Oh and again, that's a good and powerful image you have created with that particular passage by the way.

Ok, enough slicing and dicing. Your story so far is good and interesting. I noted you haven't given either of your characters names. Well the dom is of course 'Sir' or 'Master', but particularly the nameless submissive is kind of intriguing, and I like that. Have you ever read the Daphne Du Maurier's "Rebecca" ? She wrote the whole novel without once mentioning the main female character's name, which by the way was not Rebecca.

You obviously understand much of the lifestyle, so it's easy for you to write about it. You have some powerful images there. As it's already be noted by others your story simply needs tightening up.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day sis,

Alex.

 

[Zaudika]

Bragis... I appreciate your feedback and critiques as I always do. I'll honestly say that a bit of the comments stung a bit.. but thats expected.. and more than anything, I'm extremely grateful.
You're very very correct in saying that I've been unsure about the story.. I'm was/am *beyond* unsure about it. Today I spent a great deal of time rewriting much of the story.... a huge thing I've toned down and taken out is the anger factor that I didn't realize until I got the feedback just *how* much was there. Something I'm still pretty bashful and a bit ashamed about.
It's my desire to eventually be a good and informative writer. You and several others are helping me get there, and I can't express the thanks that I have.
The comment about not naming my characters.. I haven't read the book you mentioned, I'll have to look into it. For some reason I've never really named characters in my stories, I don't even have a reason for it. There *is* a vamp story I've been working on for a long time (non-erotic) .. that the characters have names, but not of my erotic stories ever have. Perhaps sometime I'll have to try writing a story where I put some names in, and work with it... then.. it may always be a style of mine to never do so.

Thank you again.... I hope to resubmit the story soon so I can hopefully have you all go over again.
-Zaudika