2 poems - feedback welcome

[Wilfulove]

Go Slowly

Slowly,

go slowly,

please

Enjoy every sigh and tear



I was searching amid the pyramids,

such a long dusty time,

a wandering road to you,

in the barren orchards, the dry fruit tasted bitter



So lets go slowly,

a tight embrace

please don't fall



because I need this, I need to breathe through you

and shake the sand from my bones



so go slowly,

because together we can hide,

amongst the sigh of letters

our own summer land


Bottles

Looking inside

running low,

I need to fill up on her

Fill her up now



Get out the bottles,

blue ones, green ones and deepest red

Mix her around, stir and splash

Greedily licking up all "accidents"



Holding her up to the light

She sparkles and dazzles,

Changing as I twist her in my fingers, can I keep hold?



Drink her down, drink her deep

Taste the fire and the blood,

How the blood boils

She rages through me

Desire and strawberry laughter

Breathless, gasping as she fills me



Another sip, slowly this time

I choke down her tears

tasting the darkness, bittersweet



Get out the bottles

I must have more

 

[darkmaas]

Wilfullove

Welcome to our little corner of the "civilized" universe. Mind where you step, it's not that ... er ... pristine.

::

I personally liked "Bottles" better. I'm a sucker for an extended metaphor. IMHO the best bit is ...

Drink her down, drink her deep
Taste the fire and the blood,
How the blood boils
She rages through me
Desire and strawberry laughter
Breathless, gasping as she fills me

Another sip, slowly this time
I choke down her tears
tasting the darkness, bittersweet

... and in fact it stands rather well by itself.

However the best lines of the two poems are:

... together we can hide,
amongst the sigh of letters

One could build another poem around those nine words.

::

Welcome again.

::

 

[Wilfulove]

Welcome to our little corner of the "civilized" universe. Mind where you step, it's not that ... er ... pristine.

::

I personally liked "Bottles" better. I'm a sucker for an extended metaphor. IMHO the best bit is ...



... and in fact it stands rather well by itself.

However the best lines of the two poems are:



One could build another poem around those nine words.

::

Welcome again.

::

Thank you very much for the encouragement, they were rather personal but I felt the need to share!

 

[Swompgurl]

Like

I liked them both, but I agree that I liked bottles better! Thanks for sharing!