2 erotica I wrote, feedback would be appreciated.

[nerobixx]

Hello everyone,

A bit ago I have uploaded the following stories:
http://www.literotica.com/s/airport-encounter-2
http://www.literotica.com/s/just-another-day-at-the-office-5

Now I'm thinking about writing another story but I thought it was a good idea to ask feedback first from the community. I'm always looking for ways to improve my writings and therefore constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Fire away!

 

[Iceprincess12]

I only read the first one and struggled through it. In the first paragraph, I reread this sentence because it doesn't flow and it continued from there.

"I have to grin a bit in myself because of the stress all people seem to be dealing with."

It is so awkward, I would suggest getting an editor to work on the flow of the story.
Also dialogue between them doesn't sound natural

"I frown. 'Tell me miss, what is it that you want from me?"

No one speaks like that.

"I put my lips next to your ear and whisper while I run a finger over your vagina. 'Have you wet yourself or are you just happy to see me?
'Stop being a funny cunt and fuck me already', you reply slightly irritated."

Calling a guy that...seems odd. Using vagina is so technical, again, no flow.

Let's ignore the fact that in a crowded airport and no empty seats at the cafe, the bathroom is empty and stays empty. I didn't find anything erotic about the encounter. Sex in an airport stall could be, but the way you describe it is flat with no emotion.

"We end up in a passionate kiss with teeth, tongues and lips all exchanging contact."

Teeth? Ewww, I'm thinking of my enamel being scratched off. Writing the word passionate doesn't make it so. You haven't created any mood.

Also we don't know anything about either of them and I feel no connection. If they spent an hour talking you could have inserted something to tell us why she was there or why she wanted sex with a stranger. When he was walking towards her, maybe she could have made some eye contact, something to signal interest in him.

Overall, very flat and it doesn't flow.

 

[PennLady]

I don't know if you wrote this for someone specifically, but often addressing the reader as "you" is a turnoff. If I wanted to read about "me," I'd write something about me, that I like.

There's nothing wrong with it, mind you, but it does seem to be a less popular type of storytelling. Personally, when I start stories like this, I click off.

I also found things a little awkward, a little heavy or stilted, and not terribly sexy or arousing, but some of that, as i said, is just the I/you construction.