1st-timer requests for feedback

[SugarHigh]

This is my first attempt at writing an erotic story. I guess you could call me a closet novelist wannabe. Since I need money, and hence will continue plugging away at my day job, Literotica will fulfill my writing fantasies.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=154574

I'd really like some serious feedback and pointers, especially from Dr Mabeuse - You rock dude!

All constructive criticism welcome, on character development, plot, build-up, whatever... It's gonna really help with the next one I'm working on.

Thanks a bunch!!

 

[BlackShanglan]

Replies ...

Hi there Sugar Sending you replies privately ... just wanted to let you know that one is on the way!

Shanglan

 

[SugarHigh]

Hi BlackShanglan,

Wow, I must say that was detailed. Thanks for taking the time for such comprehensive feedback, it's going to come in handy for my next story.

You have a point about the plausibility of the plot. Re-reading the story, I realised that I was having a tough time trying to fit the "no panties" mechanism in, and then the whole structure became a little clunky. Mostly because it's a scenario that wouldn't happen to me in real life.

So, I've decided to stick to real life experiences. It's far easier to write about situations I can relate to. Once again, thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it!