1st Story Submisison :: Feedback Please

[kalifire_uk]

Hi,

I have just submitted my first story and was wondering if anyone would be kind enough to provide some feedback. Thanks!

Story: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=205782


Kali

 

[leanoir]

Not bad at all. Actually, pretty damn good for a first try

Now where's the rest of it? Haha

 

[Guest]

Well done.

I do have a few hopefully helpful comments.

You should break up the larger paragraphs a bit more. It is very difficult to read large blocks of text on a computer screen.

Be wary of using worn writing gimmicks to tell your tale (having the main character look in the mirror, for one). It works and many of us have done it before, but it has since become one of those trite plot twists because of that popularity. There are several threads on this forum and in the Author's Hangout about phrases or plot devices that have been overdone.

Don't skimp on story size. Even if this is to be part of a multi-chaptered submission you can put more length into each bit.

Grammatically, it's excellent. It flows well, it has terrific overall structure, it's an enjoyable read.

I do love the sexual aspects, I love how she can take control of the situation herself, I positively love her strength. Great character.

And I admit, you have me curious as to her choice. (Of course, I'm hoping she goes off to join the boys - )

Good work! Looking forward to the next chapter.

 

[Allosaur14]

Ttt

http://public.planetmirror.com/pub/engrish/ttt_captions/00-20/two-towers-04.jpg