1st Story. Shy First Time Teens. Need Feedback Please!

[Submissioness]

Please, I really need some feedback from my first story. I think it's really intuitive and clever but I really need someone to be honest with me and tell me what they think.

It's only three pages long. Please help!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=388694

 

[JackLuis]

Please, I really need some feedback from my first story. I think it's really intuitive and clever but I really need someone to be honest with me and tell me what they think.

It's only three pages long. Please help!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=388694

Very nice
There were a few typos and you need to seperate the dialog a bit as it is hard to tell who is saying what.
Seperate each characters dialog in a seperate paragraph.
Some of the dialog, particularly his was a little rough and crass but entirely beliveable for a young man. (18-19 Years)
I'd give you a 4 for the story and if he was just a little more careful of his dialog ith her might have gone to a five, except for the few typos.

Very nice first story.

 

[Submissioness]

Thank You

Thank you very much for your feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to read my story and replying. However, I am confused when you say that Brent's dialogue was crass. If you could elaborate or tell me what it was exactly that would help a whole lot.

For me, I thought this is the least raunchy story that I've read on this site, if that's what you mean by crass. But if you mean, like, blunt, then why not? He's a cocky 18 yr old rich boy. lol.

Thanks.

Submissioness

 

[sirloy]

I liked the story and you have made her nervousness and lack of experience believable. The male bravado with his buddy was also on target as was her not quite understanding it.
The only thing that interrupted the flow for me was the begining of the dream sequence. It was not clear that She was dreaming and briefly seemed like a piece of story had been left out.
A very good first story

 

[Submissioness]

Thanks

Thanks very much.

However, it was supposed to be that way. They do that in movies and tv all the time.

I think there will be a sequel. Stay tuned!!

 

[Starscream_UK]

Well, I've just read it and I enjoyed it.

 

[Shwenn]

For what it's worth, I think you are a natural writer. I think you have that thing that can't be taught.

Having said that:

This story has an awkwardness in it that comes from you being too close to it.

You need to put it away for a good while then edit it with a fresh eye. I think the awkward bits will jump out at you if you do that. You'll see it yourself.

And that is the first thing any writer really needs to learn in order to be really good. You need to learn how to edit your own work.

 

[Submissioness]

Thanks

Awkwardness? Alright. I agree with going back and re-reading after time. I've done it many times on different stories and it's always proven to be a benefit. Note to anyone else reading: this is good advice.

I am not sure what you mean by awkwardness but I will talk it over with my fellow Literoticans and see what can be done.

Thanks so much!

 

[Starscream_UK]

Yeah - self-editing is a useful skill - it's taken awhile for me to get into a position where I can leave something I've written for a week and then look at it again with a detached eye...

 

[Submissioness]

Help me answer a few questions.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=388694

Any more comments? It's a 3 pager. Should I do a sequel? Do you like the different Points Of View? Do the thought processes of my characters enhance the story for you?

I need help.

Submissioness

 

[Submissioness]

Thanks to those of you who took the time to read my story!

 

[acecow]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=388694

Any more comments? It's a 3 pager. Should I do a sequel? Do you like the different Points Of View? Do the thought processes of my characters enhance the story for you?

I need help.

Submissioness

Just read it and I have to say, I like it...quite a bit

As Shwenn stated, I believe you have that natural thing that great writer's need.

For the most part, the story just seemed to flow together. And, while there were a few grammar/spelling errors and one or two random things, I would love to see a sequel that includes different points of view. Another thing to mention is that I assume that either the italics (for thoughts) didn't make it into the story or were somehow disabled? If you wish to keep doing those perhaps just putting them in **'s?

Anyways, great story and look forward to any possible sequels.

 

[Submissioness]

italics

Yes, the italics were a very important part of my story and they were disabled by literotica, i suppose. I didn't know that that would happen. I was pretty upset about it.

And thank you for your compliments. I've already started the sequel. It will include many new firsts for Chelsea.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Cynthia

 

[lilsis1963]

1st story

It was very good for a 1st story keep up the good writing.

 

[Jumpinjetta]

Nice story!

I also really liked it!

It's really nice to read a story about a shy, innocent girl (woman), who doesn't immediately turn into a raging nympho.

The lack of these stories is actually what prompted me to write my first!

I would have liked to have her initial masturbation scene a bit more fleshed out, but that's just a personal preference.

And I too don't really trust Brent (a bit too soon after his breakup, and he fell a little too fast for Chelsea), and am anxious to see what happens next.

JJ

 

[exhibitinlight]

I really, really liked it. I thought the actual sex part was quite convincing, that odd mixture of pain and pleasure.

The P.O.V. thing was a tiny bit confusing, I would've maybe liked to have Chelsea's view of the sex too. But otherwise great.

 

[poppy_cock]

To get italics, you need to do one of two things.

Either submit your story to Literotica as a Word document (that is, not using the copy and paste box)

or

you need to use HTML tags. Not as hard as it sounds. If you're using the copy and paste box, around the words you want italicised, you put <I> and </I>.

Like this: She <I>hated</I> him. Should then come out She hated him

This is a useful article I've found: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=45432

Hope this helps

 

[hsterler]

Nice story. I enjoyed it. Very real. Seemed like real people. Thanks.

 

[silvastormcloud]

I think if the italics had worked the story would have more power but i think the characters had a real depth to them and you had obvisously thought out who they were. it helped make the story very believable and very easy to relate to.

I liked it

 

[rjstclaire]

Gave it a 4. Need to develop your characters more, fix typos, and correct all the dialogue issues. Nice try. Just have to rewrite it.

 

[SweetOblivion]

Nice teen story

As others have said, the typos and punctuation need some work - but a good start - keep up the good work - practice makes perfect as Brent may be saying to Chelsea in due course - smiles...

 

[andrewxx]

I have read it

Hi. I am of your Parents generation and have a different view of the structure of English. Being British, I also have a different style of vocabulary, and an ignorance of some of the slang American terms you have used.
Having said that, I tried to enjoy the story. It would not really be my choice, as I prefer a smoother, more elegant and eloquent story; sorry, but I did not find it erotic. It was a little too superficial for me... age and location and background of your readers are important. The reason I am explaining is because from a very positive view, you are obviously a good budding writer... and you should get a prize for using the word "omnicient"... I don't think it has been used elsewhere on this site!
Do write much more. Involve your readers as well as the subjects from the story. Slow down... I know it is the modern way to meet, look at each other, have a drink or two, and then go to bed; but that's hardly erotic. Look back at old movies... the great screen lovers smouldered, they didn't scorch!
I really look forward to reading more of your work. I hope that this realistic and positive critique is regarded as helpful to you... it is meant to be.
Gosh... I sound like Simon Cowell.
Andrew

 

[Submissioness]

I thought everyone knew what omniscient meant.

 

[ANiceGuy]

good first time

Not the usual two paragramphs of build up then ten of hot sex. Nice build up and end (or will there be more to cum?)

ANiceGuy

 

[Submissioness]

I'm actually working on a sequel. Would you all be interested?