1st Story and Poem

[ehugo]

I have written off and on for a few months, but this is my first time posting for the public, I would love feedback on my poem and story if possible.

Story - Coffee House Studies
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=146539

Poem - The Dream
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=146703

Thank you all in advance and I look forward to hearing from you. Please be gentle or not if that is the case

 

[Rainbow Skin]

The story is an elaboration of the poem. You write well in the story, as far as getting all the words right and pacing it. For me these complete fantasies are hard to read: if it's all so easy it's a bit so-what. There's no tension, no reason to read on; and also the characters don't have personality, as they just behave in the way suitable for the fantasy. But if you turned your talents to creating character and plot you'd do well at it, I'm sure.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You rhymed 'room' with 'bosom'.

I think that's against the law.


---dr.M.

 

[ehugo]

Perhaps it is, but I thought it worked at the time. I appreciate any and all input, thanks for taking the time to read and reply It means a lot to me

 

[dr_mabeuse]

(double post deleted)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Okay. I read the story, and to me it reads like a private fantasy that you found really appealing, but a fantasy that might not do much for other readers. This is Literotica, and erotic fantasy is our stock in trade, but this one just seems like such an out-of-the-clouds unrealistic daydream that it’s hard to take it seriously.

I mean, this stranger sees him in a coffee house, and takes him home and the first thing she does is jump into the shower. That's rather odd. He follows her in, gets undressed and steps in with her and they have fantastic orgasmic sex in the shower, no questions asked, nothing else said. This isn’t a story, it’s a dream.

Literotica stories don't have to be great literature, but usually they have some modicum of tension or uncertainty that gives them some drama. This one never does. It's perfect sex, perfectly realized. The main thing that kept me reading was to find out whether maybe there'd be some explanation for her puzzling behavior, but there never was.

I must say too that I didn’t understand the business with the chair. Where did she put it? In her shower stall? That thing must be huge! Or did she set it in the bathroom and pull the shower head out of the stall? In any case, all I could think of was him sitting in this soaking wet chair and how the wet cushions would smell.

You seem to have a real thing for a girl with water and soap running down her body. Nothing wrong with that, although I don't know if it's enough to hang an erotic story on. But you seem to be very intent on keeping them in the shower, and I wonder whether maybe this story wouldn’t more properly belong in the Fetish category.

In any case, the story’s intentions are sweet, and it’s a sweet fantasy. Totally unbelievable, but sweet nonetheless.

---dr.M.