1984

[Ticklish Girl]

Wendy

I stopped and stared hard at him, caught totally off guard. He stopped too and calmly met my gaze. I looked around, saw nobody near us, then turned back to him. I could feel the wariness, the need to fend him off, coming over me again. A man didn’t simply invite a woman to his place these days, not with all the informants and hidden eavesdropping devices that the Thought Police had at their disposal. Such an invitation had to be a setup, but for what?

“Who are you, really?” I asked. Despite my fear I managed to keep my voice down. I didn’t want to attract attention. “I want the truth now. Are you trying to get me to commit thoughtcrime? If you’re with the Thought Police, you’re wasting your time. I love Big Brother. I go to all the speeches and rallies and meetings. I even went to the public execution in Battery Park last month, when they hanged the four rebels from CUM.” I didn’t see the need to share with him how disgusted I had been, and how I had pitied the prisoners, who looked as though they had been beaten and starved for weeks. I was willing to conceal my minor thoughtcrimes as long as no one accused me of major ones.

“My public record is spotless,” I finished. “My private record, too. I’ve never come close to breaking my Anti-Sex Pledge. I’m pure. In every sense of the word. I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but I’m telling you I’m innocent.” My voice cracked a little on the last word, and I had to turn away to keep him from seeing the tears welling up in my eyes.

 

[sex-maniac69]

James:

I cringed.I remember that too well.My best friend died that day."Wendy,Im not thoughtpolice,If thats what your thinking,and I could give a damn less if you commited thoughtcrime," i said.It was the truth."Im not trying to draw you out," I continued...

 

[intriguess]

Cynthia

ManOSafety, I plan to play with you as long as you'll have me.


IC

I poured over files, the night restless. He was a good man as far as I could tell, we would meet for the ceremony later this week. Just a few scant days before my birthday. I shivered wondering what it would be like to share quarters with this man. Enjoy the slim privacy afforded to families and couples. Big Brother figured that one would always rat on the other. It made his job that much easier. It meant only video equipment was installed and even that was nonaudio.

I raked my fingers through my short auburn curls and tried to sleep.

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Wendy

Something in his voice made me turn back to him. I was surprised to see a flush on his cheeks and tension in the set of his jaw. The look in his eyes was … well, I guess “pained” was the only word I could use to describe it. It was real emotion, and it made something yield inside me. I was suddenly sure that he was telling the truth: he wasn’t a Thought Police agent. This eased one worry in my mind, but opened up all kinds of other problems.

“All right, I believe you,” I said. “I’m sorry I was so suspicious. But, well, you know how things are.” I fell silent, consumed by strange feelings. The raw emotion he had just shown me made me uncomfortable, but the discomfort felt somewhat … pleasant. It was a replay of the scene on the streetcorner: at the same time I wanted to push him away and pull him closer. Heat flooded my face and neck.

“I can’t come up,” I said. “Don’t get me wrong, James, I’d love to, but it’s too much of a risk. There could be a hidden camera in your place and you wouldn't even know about it. We could be arrested, even if –” I snapped my mouth shut, shocked at what I had been about to say: Even if we didn't do anything.

 

[ManOSafety]

Charles Jones

Finally arriving back at my apartment, I stop to take the mail from the box before heading up the stairs. Hmmm, this envelope looks official.

I can feel my heart start beating more rapidly and my breathing speed up, why am I getting a letter? What do they think I've done?

The keys jingle as my hand shakes as I try to unlock my door. Finally getting the blasted key into the lock and the door opened, I push the door shut behind me, leaning against it and trying to collect my thoughts.

OK, I haven't done anything, there is no reason that this could be a bad thing, so just open the envelope and read the letter, find out what this is about. Of course, that is easier said than done. Pulling out a chair and the small dinette set, I sit down and take a deep breath.

Finally getting the envelope open, I start to read the letter enclosed and find myself about to laugh, thinking there must be some mistake, this was delivered to the wrong address. Reading again, double checking the name, I see that this is no joke and no mistake. I'm getting married.

 

[sex-maniac69]

James:

I choked out the next sentence,"Excuse me,what did you say,"Making it sound convincing."how about I walk you home then," i said...

 

[intriguess]

Cynthia

I tossed an turned, waking in middle of night from dreams of a cold husband. Alternating with dreams of a husband who made my blood boil. I got up out of bed and took a cool shower, and taking two aspirin headed back to my now bare and lonely bed.

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Wendy

James caught my momentary lapse, but fortunately he didn’t push it. Instead he offered to walk me home. I muttered an acceptance and we continued walking down Sixth Avenue in silence. We looked straight ahead as we walked, keeping a proper distance between our bodies. But I was still very aware of the sound of his breathing, the rustle of his jacket as he put his hands in his pockets, the scent of his perspiration – all these things made my nerves tingle pleasantly.

I had never been so confused before. I knew I should congratulate myself for my virtue – I had stopped us from entering a compromising situation, just as the Party taught. And yet I couldn’t help feeling disappointed that we were going to part for the night once we reached my home. Why should that be? I had done the right thing, hadn’t I? I wrestled with that question all the way home and couldn’t come up with a satisfactory answer.

The only thing I knew for certain was that I liked him and wanted to see him again. Surely there was nothing wrong with that? Another question I couldn’t answer. He intrigued me, because he stirred up emotions I had never experienced before – and although they were scary, they were also exciting. I wanted to see him again because I wanted to have those feelings again. The fact that I might not know how to handle those feelings did nothing at all to dampen them.

Ten minutes later we arrived at my building. The ugly gray structure looked just like a prison, and I knew that once I entered my apartment it would feel like one as well. I turned to James and offered him a feeble smile. “Thanks for walking me home,” I said. My tone was cool and formal. “I hope to see you at the next ASL meeting, comrade.” Because of the possibility that someone might be listening, this was the closest I could come to saying what was really on my mind: I like you – when can we see each other again?

 

[sex-maniac69]

James:

"Ive go one question,have you ever had a pleasnt experience with a man?,"I asked.She shook her head no."Before I joined,thats all I did" i said."Its really good,too bad we both are against it,huh," Before she could answer i pulled her to me and kissed her lips...

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Wendy

I was too surprised by his question to do more than shake my head. He said something else, but it didn’t register. My brain stubbornly refused to process the words. Then, abruptly, his hands were on my waist, crushing my body against his. His mouth covered mine, and it took me a moment to realize that he was kissing me.

I had never been this close to a man before. My body was completely rigid against his – for him it must have been like kissing a mannequin. This was only partly due to Anti-Sex League indoctrination. The real reason for my immobility was something much simpler: shock. I couldn’t move or breathe, as all the signals in my head seemed to short-circuit. I tried to will my hands to push him away, but they remained at my sides. I urged my body not to find pleasure in this experience, but that was an impossible demand. His hands on my waist, his warm body, his lips softly touching mine – there was no way I could ignore those feelings. The most frightening thing of all was that I didn’t want to ignore them.

Something gave way inside me and my body yielded just a fraction as a tiny moan escaped me. And then sanity reasserted itself, breaking my paralysis. I shoved him away, a little more roughly than necessary, and stepped back, gasping for breath, pulse pounding in my throat. He didn’t seem perturbed at all, just stood there smiling at me. I was shocked to find that I wanted him to kiss me again.

Oh god, what had just happened? Thirty years of morality and goodness and duty to the Party, thrown away? How many spying eyes had witnessed this act of thoughtcrime? Was someone turning me in right now? My only thought was to escape, even though there was no place to hide.

“I – I have to go,” I whispered. “Goodnight.” Then I turned and ran into the lobby as if Big Brother himself were on my trail.

 

[Minstrel]

Brian

What a night! It was a struggle even to open the door, wind out of the store fighting gusts of rain, fighting the wind, fighting the thoughts... Not to mention closing the door, turning the key...

Is the paper in my pocket telling me something?

No! It's just a slip of paper, pushed under the closed door, nothing else. Would you have to say something that's really important and then decide to write it down on a piece of paper and push it under someone's door? Surely not!

On the other hand, what else could be a reason to do exactly this? Someone needing help? No! He or she could simply turn to one of the contact points and consult the Big Brother. He will be happy to help in any case. That's not it, no...

So it must be something subversive... Illegal, even!

Did I already commit a crime in taking it and not report it? What excuse will the Thought Police accept if I report it too late?

Whoever wrote this: Do you know what you put upon me?

I could throw it away pretending I never saw it. But an upcoming trial could prove me wrong! I am a faithful follower of the Big Brother!

Let me find a point to contact the Thought Police... No other choice! Why did this person put me in a position like this??

Winding down the slippery roads... There must be a connection point to the authorities. Will I have the power to report it?

 

[sex-maniac69]

James:

The suduction has begun,I thought.She'll soon be longing for me to do it again and more."See you at the meetings,Wendy," i called to her...

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Wendy

I heard James call to me as I ran into the lobby, but I ignored him and ran for the elevator. Its doors were open, as if it were waiting just for me. I jumped in and jabbed the button for my floor, pressing it again and again until the doors slid shut. The sound of my harsh breathing filled the little car as it wheezed its way up to the fourth floor. The trip seemed to take hours. By the time the car stopped and the doors opened, I was shivering uncontrollably.

I staggered out of the elevator and down the hall to my apartment. The hall seemed to elongate with every step I took, just like the dreams I sometimes had in which I wandered through an endless maze searching for something that I could never find. I sprinted the last ten feet or so to my door, expecting to feel a rough hand clamp onto my shoulder any second. By the time I reached my apartment, my hands were shaking so badly that I dropped my keys twice before managing to unlock my door.

Once inside the apartment I headed straight for the bathroom and turned on the lights. I wouldn’t let myself think about what had just happened. Plenty of time to think later. The sight of my pale, drawn reflection in the bathroom mirror shocked me, and I turned away quickly. I shed every stitch of clothing and left the pile on the bathroom floor, then stepped into the shower and turned on the cold water. The icy blast took my breath away, but I resisted the urge to shut it off. Instead I stood there, shivering, under the spray for as long as I could take it, just as the ASL had taught me. When my teeth began chattering so violently that my jaw began to ache, I adjusted the temperature to lukewarm, then began to clean myself up.

Later, after I had dried off, changed into a flannel nightgown and cleaned up the bathroom, I went to bed, although sleep was not even a remote possibility. I lay there in the darkness of my tiny bedroom and stared at the ceiling. Now I could think about what had happened between James and me. I couldn’t deny that I felt something for him, and even though I had never so much as held hands with a man, I knew from my ASL indoctrination that this feeling was sexual in nature. This knowledge made the feeling dangerous as well as exciting – in fact, the danger and the excitement seemed to feed each other. It would be an act of madness to see him again. The fact that he could be so brazen as to kiss a woman in public showed that he had no care for the rules of this new society. He could put me in harm’s way. And what if he wanted to … to do more than kiss me next time?

I shivered a little and pulled the covers up to my chin. Suddenly the picture came into my mind: James lying there next to me, putting an arm around me as my head nestled on his chest. My breath caught in my throat and I squirmed a little under the covers. The nightgown’s heavy material brushed against my nipples. The friction was somewhat pleasant and I squirmed again. The material brushed me again and this time the friction was more than pleasant; it was downright wonderful.

Of their own accord my hands began to move under the covers, pulling the nightgown up until it was bunched around my neck and shoulders. My palms glided gently over my breasts, lightly cupping them, just barely touching the hard nipples. The sensation made me catch my breath again. I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, but I couldn’t stop. There was some kind of connection between my nipples and a certain spot between my legs. Each caress made that spot throb and tingle until I felt my stomach muscles cramp. My back arched, pushing my breasts against my caressing hands.

I shut my eyes and moved one hand slowly down my body, keeping the other on my breast. I always closed my eyes at this point. Maybe on some level I believed that if I couldn’t see what I was doing, then it wasn’t really me doing it. But ultimately I couldn’t fool myself. There was a name for what I was doing, and that name was masturbation. It was a thoughtcrime just as nonmarital sex was a thoughtcrime, and for the same reason: there could be no love before Big Brother. Not even self-love. The Anti-Sex League taught that at every meeting, but it was a lesson I could willfully forget on nights like this when desire took hold of me and wouldn’t let go.

My fingers slipped beneath the waistband of my cotton panties, traced over the mound of my sex, and then reached that spot. My breath came in short gasps as I began to rub that strange little nub of flesh. In my mind’s eye I could see James again, wrapping his strong arms around me and pulling me so close to him. I could feel his lips on mine again. Suddenly my fingers became James’s fingers, gently exploring me, coaxing pleasure from me, urging me to let go. That image did it for me. My tummy cramped again, and then the first waves of pleasure shuddered through my body. I writhed and bit the pillow to stifle the cries that wanted to escape my throat. Through it all the picture of James never left my mind. And he never stopped smiling.

 

[sex-maniac69]

James:
I walked away with a smile on my fsce.I looked back to her apartment and went on home.I had slipped my number into her pocket.She will call...

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Wendy

The next morning I woke up feeling well-rested. I was in a pretty good mood because it was Saturday and I didn’t have to go to the office. There were no community meetings or rallies scheduled for today, and so I had that rarest of things: a free day. As I busied myself with chores I was very careful to avoid thinking about what I had done last night. I always felt a little guilty the morning after a masturbation session. If I kept really busy I could make myself believe that nothing had happened at all. This tactic always came in handy when I had some minor thoughtcrime on my conscience.

Of course, there was still the matter of that kiss James gave me. I didn’t think I’d be able to banish that memory quite so easily, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. It was at the back of my mind right now, beckoning me, teasing me…

I shook my head hard and decided to go out for a little walk. Maybe some fresh air would clear my head. I searched for my coat before remembering that I had hung it up on the back of the bathroom door after my shower last night. I slipped it on and turned to the mirror to check my appearance. My right hand slipped into my pocket – and froze as it touched a small folded square of paper.

I didn’t remember putting anything in my pocket. Old shopping list, maybe? An address? I pulled it out and unfolded it. My eyes popped open when I saw “JAMES” printed in block letters, next to a phone number. He must have slipped that into my pocket when he kissed me. I hadn’t noticed, of course. I was a bit distracted at the time.

I shoved the paper back into my pocket, turned around and marched out of the bathroom. My pulse began pounding in my throat, but my face was calm and composed. I kept that mask in place as I left the apartment and took the elevator down. Outside, I turned south on Sixth Avenue and began to walk rapidly, trying to outrun the panic that threatened me. The paper in my pocket seemed to weigh about five pounds. I couldn’t stop slipping my hand into my pocket to touch it. Why didn’t I flush it down the toilet? Yet another question I couldn’t answer.

This had gone far enough. I had to tell James to stop this behavior, for his own sake as well as mine. If the Thought Police weren’t already after him, they would be before too much longer. And if they came for him, they would come for all of his known associates – which now included me. Once they got hold of me they would torture me until I confessed to whatever crimes they put in front of me. After that, either a forced labor camp or a bullet to the brain. It didn’t seem right that I should be exposed to such danger because of someone I had never met before last night.

I passed by a bank of pay phones on Thirty Sixth and halted, deliberating. The next ASL meeting was tomorrow night. I didn’t want to wait that long to speak to him, because I didn’t think my nerves could stand it. But I couldn’t tell him what I wanted to tell him over the phone. Personal telephone conversations were very difficult to conduct because the lines were monitored. You had to use a lot of indirect language and hope the other person got your point. I needed to be as direct as possible with James. The best option was to set up a face to face meeting with him.

I picked up the phone and dropped my quarter. The phone number had burned itself into my brain, so I didn’t need to consult the paper as I punched out the digits. There were three rings before I heard his slightly breathless “Hello?” on the other end.

Making my voice as cool and formal as possible I said, “Hello, James. This is Wendy Smith. I need to speak to you about that project we were working on yesterday. Would it be possible for you to clear some time on your calendar to meet with me this afternoon?”

 

[sex-maniac69]

James:

I knew she would call,"Sure,no problem wendy," I said into the phone."When eould be good,"I asked...

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Wendy

I thought quickly. "What about a half hour from now, by the statue of Big Brother in Revolution Park?" I said. It was the first recognizable landmark that popped into my mind. It wasn't a safe place to talk, but maybe we could go on from there to a more private place, free from surveillance. I didn't know if such places even existed, but maybe James did.

 

[sex-maniac69]

James

I took her by the arm."We cant talk here," i said.I led her to the alley.I pushed on a loose brick and a door opened.I looked at her,"Dont ask," i said...

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Wendy

OOC: Hope you don't mind what I did with the hideout.

IC:
After the kiss I thought that nothing James did could surprise me. But he stunned me yet again by first whisking me away from the park and then bringing me to an alley just a block or so away. As what looked like a solid brick wall slid open at his touch, he looked at me. He must have thought I was silly, standing there with my mouth wide open. “Don’t ask,” he said.

Don’t ask? My mind was stuffed full of questions. How could I not ask? But I obediently remained silent as he led me inside. The secret door slid shut behind us, and I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the dimness. James took a tiny flashlight out of his pocket and switched it on. The flashlight cast a powerful beam despite its small size. I saw that we were at the head of a flight of stone steps that led down into darkness.

The gentle but firm pressure of his hand on my elbow compelled me to follow him down the steps, after which we found ourselves in a narrow, twisting passage. The floor was concrete and the walls were covered with dingy white tiles. He guided me through the passage, which was just wide enough to allow us to walk side by side. Thanks to the flashlight beam I could see maybe five feet ahead of us. Just outside the reach of that beam was a blackness that pressed against my eyes. I was thankful that he had taken my arm. If he hadn’t, I would have taken his.

I wondered if this could be part of the old Forty Second Street subway station, which had been closed down along with the entire Sixth Avenue subway line sometime during the Seventies. This didn’t seem like the appropriate time to ask James, however. I burned to ask him what was going on and where he was taking me, but my lips felt too numb to form words. I had no idea what was going to happen from this moment forward, but I didn’t doubt that there would be more thoughtcrime. Once again I felt that intoxicating mix of fear and excitement, enough to make me shiver.

We took one more turn and came face to face with a large black door. James fished a key from his pocket and unlocked it, then led me inside. The flashlight went off, leaving us momentarily in darkness, and I caught my breath. I was about to call his name when I heard a click and then there was light. I looked up and saw a single bare bulb hanging from the ceiling.

We were in a boxy, windowless room about the size of my entire apartment. I heard the hum of a ventilation system and again wondered where we were. Maybe it was a boarded-up and forgotten sub-basement of a larger building. At the far end of the room was a black door identical to the one we had just come through. A cardboard box sat on the floor near my feet. I could see that it was full of books, but I didn’t get a good look at the titles. There was no furniture, unless you counted the mattress that lay on the floor against the wall. I stared uneasily at that mattress for a few seconds, then looked back at James. He was still holding my elbow, as if he expected me to run away.

“You can let go of my arm now,” I said. “In fact, I wish you wouldn’t touch me at all. You were out of line last night, James, and you know it. That’s why I wanted to see you today. I wanted to tell you to – to stop.” My voice cracked at the end of the sentence, and I felt a sudden ache in my chest. I hung my head, not wanting him to see my wet eyes and know that I was lying.

 

[ManOSafety]

Charles Jones

After a restless night without much sleep, Saturday dawns without much change in my state of mind. I can't believe that I've been chosen to get married. I knew that this sort of thing happened, but I had not expected it to happen to me. As a good citizen, I should be happy and be pleased that I will be able to do what Big Brother asks, but somehow, for some reason, this seems too odd to me.

Taking the letter out of the elevator again, I see that the civil ceremony has been scheduled for just a few days from now, so I don't have much time to get this sorted out in my mind. I wonder if I should try to meet with this woman before the ceremony?

 

[sex-maniac69]

James

OOC:Its fine.Its your thread.


IC:I could tell she was lieing by her voice.I was always able to tell."Your trying to say you didnt like it," i said acting puzzled.I raised her face so she was looking at me."Look into my eyes and say you didnt like it," I said.

I waited for a few seconds for an answer."Cant say it, can you," i said...

 

[intriguess]

Cynthia

I awoke Saturday my mind still buzzing from a restless night. I glanced in mirror, I was supposed to meet the CUM doctor who would give me final instructions regarding my marriage. The words made me shiver as I slide chapstick over my lips and rubbed my neck. I had slept on it and now I had a knot that just wouldn't go away. I looked around my sparse appartment. I wondered where we would live. We, the word sounded strange. Everyone was an individual, of course we were all one in Big Brother. But that was a line I didn't even pay lip service to. Mainly because if Big Brother knew what my lips did he'd tip over stunned. I laughed inside of the image of statue tipping over, the pointing hand would suddenly look much like a part of anatomy Big Brother wanted all men to ignore.

The appointment went smoothly, the doctor prescribed some medication and stretching instructions and gave me the dossier on my future husband. My goal was simple, to be happy. If I found him attractive to seduce him, if he didn't appeal to me then let him be. I glanced at the photo. The eyes stared out at me and somehow spoke to me. I bite my lip wondering what lie beneath those eyes, like whirlpools, an unknown force sucking me in.

I burned the photo, pictures were after all only tools for propaganda and terror.

 

[ManOSafety]

Charles

Still unsure what to do, I find myself wandering the streets on Saturday morning. Wandering purposefully of course, it wouldn't do to appear to be loafing. As I pass women, I find myself looking at them in a different way. I look at each one, wondering if she's the one.

I look up to see that I am standing in front of a coffee shop. With a shrug, I step in, get a mug of coffee and find a seat to sit and think.

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Wendy

James released my arm. “You’re trying to say you didn’t like it,” he said.

I knew from his tone of voice that he didn’t believe a word I’d said. A tear spilled out of my eye and rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away with a rough swipe of my hand.

His fingers slipped gently under my chin. I flinched at the touch but didn’t resist as he tilted my head up to face him. “Look into my eyes and say you didn’t like it.” His dark eyes locked onto mine, holding me captive. I could hardly stand the intensity of his stare, but I didn’t have the will to look away.

I didn’t like it. Four little words, stuck in my throat like a lump of half-eaten food. Why couldn’t I say them? Because I wouldn’t mean them? Every damn day I said things that I didn’t mean. I had no trouble saying “Long live Big Brother” even though I wanted the bastard dead and buried. I professed loyalty to the Party even though I wanted it destroyed. I even praised the Revolution that took my parents from me. So why couldn’t I lie to this man and say that his kiss hadn’t moved me?

My mouth opened, but no sound came out. After a few seconds it closed again. My bottom lip quivered.

“Can’t say it, can you?” he said. A small smile curved his lips, and his fingers lightly stroked the underside of my chin. I shuddered and took a step backward, away from his touch. My legs wobbled a little.

“All right,” I said. My voice was hoarse, unsteady. “I liked it when you kissed me. Okay? I admit it! It – it excited me. But it’s got to stop there, James. You’re putting us both in danger, don’t you understand that? If they catch us they will kill us!” My throat closed up suddenly and I pressed a hand tightly against my eyelids, trying to force the tears back.

“My life was so neat and tidy,” I muttered. “Why did you have to come along and mess everything up?”

 

[intriguess]

Cynthia

I'm not sure what pulled me into the small coffee shop. It was probably the weather, the wind was picking up and rain was threatening. I tugged my raincoat tighter and glanced around before sitting down at a dim corner table trying to be inconspicious. My mind's eye seeing his picture as I ordered hot cocoa.