17·Feb·2007 · "Are You Ready For More?" · MasterOfX

[WickedEve]

Are You Ready For More?
by MasterOfX

Sitting across from you... staring deeply into your eyes...
My mind can't help but wanderlust... of you to fantasize
Thinking of all the delicious things... I'd do if I were there...
Starting off with something so simple and innocent as running my fingers through your luxurious hair

Kissing you on each one of your fingertips... teasingly...
Kissing you on the back of your wrist... and slowly up your arm, pleasingly...
Running my fingers with a feather light touch...
All over your body... 'cause I know you like it so much

Rubbing essential oils into your flesh...
As I fill the air with aromas that you like best...
Massaging you slowly... missing not one single part...
Losing myself meditating within you... as I become one with your heart...

Pervading your body, your mind and even your soul...
Unleashing my power over you... as I quickly assume control...
You are now mine... there's nothing that you want that shan't be given...
And as you're not in control, you'll be guilty of no sin that need be forgiven.

As you lose yourself in me, and I become more a part of you...
As your body surrenders completely... yielding to what I wish it to do
Trembling lightly, but delightfully, in a giving SHIVER
I watch in captive fascination, as your body sensually quivers.

I ask no questions, as I'm in command... touching you everywhere with roaming hands
But far from wandering aimlessly... they are on a sacred mission
To deliver to me, from you my sweet, your total, utter submission
That you would share your every thought, both waking and asleep
That I would know your every emotion, as no secrets you sought to keep

That I would know each and every single molecule of your flesh
And that finally as one single entity our souls would intermesh
In that state of consciousness above all other things...
That which enlightenment and utter elation brings...

Your body, offered as sacrifice that I may upon your surrender feed
And your one request to me is, "my love, unleash your primal greed."
That you would give your all that I might my deep thirst quench
As I lap at your tender folds, you obey without being told; you drench

Making certain that, literally, the well never runs dry...
As you caress sweetly my cheeks and face with your still quivering thighs
And you confess your total rapture in each and every heart felt sigh

As your body stiffens and you finally cry out... the convulsions rack your form
I slowly lap at you... giving you time to recuperate to your norm

And then I bring up my cream soaked lips...
Up to your beautiful face, and we hungrily kiss
The sensation of your tongue coming out to lick my lips...
As you whisper, "give me more!", and I bring you my dripping finger tips

You know it delights me to watch you sharing my prize...
That as it makes me hunger more... My sex doth mightily rise
And as you tell me it's your turn to please, I kiss you just once again.
And I kiss down to your breasts... licking both areolae and nipples as I grin

I slurp your burgeoning bud in between my hungry lips...
As I suck... and slurp noisily... over and over with my tongue I flick
And then... imparting even harder suction with my mouth...
I pull back away from your breast, not letting it slip out...
'Til finally I'm convinced, it's at its furthest stretch
And I let the tortured nip plop from my lips... to bounce back against your breast -
Engorged, THROBBING and wet.

I smile back up at you... as I see you try to raise...
I shake my head... and I see a pouting smile come across your face
I whisper, "I know you're anxious to please Me pet, but wait for your turn
For I won't let you get a single lick in 'til I know your body doth burn."

I kiss back to the center of your chest...
Exhaling hotly over your breasts
My lips aim back down... just three kisses low
But I trick you... going back up then down again... where I'm going you're not to know.

I stick out my tongue and lick back up toward your neck...
Making sure that the path I leave is aflame, sticky and wet
I then lean back, inhale deeply... and through my pursed lips blow
Icy cold air over moistened flesh... causing your body to go
Into helpless convulsions as the CHILL jumps your spine
And you unravel like a tossed ball of twine

Your body surrenders and TREMBLES... going into a SHUDDER
and before that one can finish... you jump right into another
HARDER... STRONGER... DEEPER than before... yet oh so divine...
You remember between gasps... this is what it means to be Mine

And by the time the shudder's ended...
Your clit's again distended...
For my tongue has slid all over...
And now is deep within it.

My mouth closed tightly around your upper labes
As your moist, sweet, sugar walls my tongue expertly lathes
Tasting your surrender as it drips between your thighs
And I catch you staring down at Me... you are mesmerized.

I stiffen my tongue and bring it hard against your top wall
I grab you with one hand behind your buttocks, lest away from my lips you should fall
I place my other hand back up to your breasts...
Teasing your nipples with twists and pinches, as I caress your flesh

An old Negro Spiritual comes to mind...
And I hum it... buzzing oh so fine...
My deep baritone voice... working like a vibrator
Sending cataclysmic convulsions through your body
As if you were hooked up to a defibrillator

For each strike of my tongue sends a shock to your heart
And each time it retreats, another attack starts
I then increase the suction again...
As I pull you tight to me
Sending my tongue deep stroking within
As I will no longer allow you to be
Calm... and controlled... taking it in stride
No, that's something My love I can not abide

I long to feel you kicking and thrashing... oh damn yes
For that My sweet is the passionate loving that's best.
I bring my hand from off your chest, and wrap it 'round your thigh
And the one that was under your bum, I bring it to on high

I press down firmly against your mound...
As I increase my deep humming sound
The shockwaves blast from your clit to your brain
As your dripping sex MILKS my tongue... you're driven near insane.

I feel your thighs tensing around my ears...
The pressure driving me forward like a thousand fans' cheers
I set my tongue to lapping at a furious speed
As I can no longer deny your body's hungry need

Your pussy convulses... then for a brief second, the squeezing stops
It's as if this one single instant... time has forgot...
Then your back arches up and I hear a pleading sigh
And I remember... that this is why I made you Mine

Your floodgates open... and you release a flow
A flavor so rich... only a god should be privy to know
But I work my tongue hungrily as each spurt of nectar I drink
And as you SURRENDER thusly to Me... further beneath My spell you do sink

I suck in rhythm with your body's shock waves...
Waiting for the right moment... when the orgasm abates
Then right out of the blue... I increase it anew...
And force your body again its nectar to spew

For as you were coming down from your peak
I took you right back on up to the brink
And pushed you down that abysmal plummet
That made you feel your muscles tighten right under your stomach

You're gushing so powerfully against my face...
The blood in both our bodies does rapidly race...
And I swallow at an inhuman pace...
So that none of your sweet surrender I should waste

And finally after long minutes pass...
After you've no longer any reserve to reflex your ass
As your body slumps, temporarily exhausted from your five minute cum
And for at least a brief while... your surrender is done

I gently kiss back up your body... inch by inch
Your body's still reacting, AFTERSHOCKING, with each sexy flinch
And I straddle your body... resting My cock there at the entrance to your dripping core
And I whisper teasingly, "Are you ready for more?"​

April 10, 2001, by Master of X
Revised May 8, 2006 by Master of X
Revised February 12, 2007 by Master of X
copyright 2001 - 2007, Master of X


The poem's audience is primarily women, specifically those that simply need to be aroused to the point of having their panties spontaneously combust (though I have received word that women have read it without panties, and I find this audience equally enjoyable); but men have been known to enjoy it as well.

I wrote this back in 2001 with the intention of drenching the panties of three good friends of mine. It worked, but I never really went back and edited it 'til last year and then only cursorily; I've gotten some really helpful feedback in the past couple days from a few friends on sexnet. I'm interested in finding the rough spots that I've missed because I'm so close to the poem. I have a few others that I'll be posting on the site, so in the next few weeks, if there's nothin' else in the queue, I might look for some insight from Literotica's faithful poetry critics on those works as well.

I will say there are a few places where the m in possessive pronouns have been purposefully capitalized; whether it's appropriate or not it's to intensify the experience of power play, especially as the balance for the reader (at least those being personally affected in such a manner) becomes inquestionably submissive.

I'm fairly thick skinned, so by all means, eviscerate it so that I might make improvements where necessary

I couldn't tell you what form this follows if any, it simply flowed and I went with it; I rarely follow any particular form, at least knowingly, outside of rhyme and meter. If someone has a proper title for a form this follows, I'd love to know it because, regarding literature and poetry, I am not as educated as I'd like; it's just something I've always loved.

Thanks in advance for whatever contributions you might make.

Sincerely,
MasterOfX

 

[champagne1982]

Well, I have to tell you I'm a bit intimidated by the length of this poem. You may not get an intense analysis from me simply because of the effort it takes to do so. I'll read it through and give you an impression and after that, if I see any value in doing so, I'll try to offer some input on how to improve it for me.

Have patience, this may take a while.

 

[champagne1982]

Well, MasterofX, there's a lot inside this poem. It is good in places and I found there are some points to improve on.

What follows are notes I made as I read through your poem. They are merely my own impressions and opinions about the poem and are not meant to criticize you personally. They are suggestions meant to make reading your poem better for me and you are welcome to accept or reject them as you see fit.


Get rid of the ellipses. They add nothing to the poem and if you'd like us to read your phrases in choppy bursts, maybe you could find a different device to accomplish the trick. Personally, I'd rather read smoothly and keep my mind on the story instead of getting annoyed at all the dots on the page.

Your rhymes are really quite smooth and unobtrusive, which I feel is worthy of congratulations. It's not easy to rhyme and sound sophisticated while doing so.

You have a lot of adjectives that are telling us what to imagine, can you find images that illustrate how you want us to feel? The difference between prose and poetry is the entire purpose of the words we use to inspire the reader. Prose explains through description while poetry tries to explain through suggestion. So, as has been said by better poets than I, Show don't tell.

I notice that you lapse into the passive voice as you seem to get caught up in your reader's response and forget that you don't need to rush through your writing to keep pace with their emotions. Slow your thoughts down and try to change your phrase constructs and repair the end rhymes towards the middle of your poem. Yoda is NOT sexy.

I know that in a lot of historical romance fiction and in the hot, romantic era poetry we read, the language is flowery and slightly elizabethan. I think you should go through and update the thee's, thou's and doth's.

Well, that's a lot of verbiage and repetition to describe a few minutes of foreplay. Consider condensing this down by eliminating any extra repeats to get a more intense poem or conversely, expand it with a plot line to turn it into prose and post a very hot vignette about oral pleasure.

Good luck with your poem and thank you for offering it to the forum.

 

[TheRainMan]

i agree with Champagne -- you really need to fire up the chain saw on this poem, become a real lumberjack.

it is a very strenuous read, quite cluttered and repetitive. much cutting is required, in my opinion.

if it shows up trimmed, i'll try to get back and be more specific.

and welcome to the Poetry Forum.

 

[MasterOfX]

So far ...

champagne, thank you for your critique, it came much sooner than I expected. I agree that I should find a different mechanism than the elipses; this poem is full of it. I tend to get lost in conveying the speed at which I wish the reader to experience it through pause, but I know it's extremely bad practice. Has anyone any good suggestions on an alternative to the elipse?

As to the length, I have had a few others say the same thing, "it's too long," "very wordy;" but I am long winded. And this particular poem was deisgned as a means of foreplay; so while it probably won't appeal to the masses due to its length, I can't imagine that it would survive the chainsaw. It's a matter of cadence; however, if the overwhelming review is that it's just hands down too friggin' long, I'll have to strongly consider it.

oh, while I'm thinkin' about it, I laughed out loud at "Yoda isn't sexy." that's great! It really made my day It's good bein' around other people that appreciate Yoda, even if they're not turned on by him

I'm thinking about the comment you made on poetry vs prose; I'm going to give that a lot of consideration. The main problem is that only a few men have ever read this poem before I posted it here; by and large the audience has been women. Now this is going to read weird, as I'm a man: I understand the way women think and feel a lot more than I understand my own gender.

That's not to say I'm an expert on women, it's just that I've never really given much thought to how men feel. Sadly, I don't give that much thought to how I feel, so - it's really thought provoking. For that, I thank you. Oh, and thank you for the congratulations as well, they are appreciated almost as much as your well thought suggestions

As to the "thees", "thous" etc, I know there are very few people around that still appreciate the use of old english (ok, few that even know what it means); but the sad fact is that I often actually talk that way, so it shows up in a lot of my poetry; I think that if I stopped putting it in there, it would lose some level of its signature.

Thanks again for your input, it's given me some things to stronly consider. On the plot line issue, I have another poem (ummm, it's REALLY long) that actually has a plot line; it's called Raven Haired Beauty, and it's a rhythmic homage to Edgar Allen Poe's the Raven, when I'm done editing it, I'll post it as a submission on the main site, but I don't expect many to read it because it is so intimidating. But I enjoyed writing it and reading it

OK, lemme quit before this post supercedes my poem in length LOL.

MasterOfX

P.S. thanks for the welcome

 

[WickedEve]

I agree that I should find a different mechanism than the elipses; this poem is full of it. I tend to get lost in conveying the speed at which I wish the reader to experience it through pause, but I know it's extremely bad practice. Has anyone any good suggestions on an alternative to the elipse?

An alternative is called the period and the comma. But I understand your ellipse abuse. I was an abuser back in '99 when I first started writing erotic stories. Ellipses in every other sentence (more like every sentence) wasn't the best thing to do in a story, but it felt odd to write without them. Now when I see them, they are just annoying.
A reader will pause with a comma or period.

As to the length, I have had a few others say the same thing, "it's too long," "very wordy;" but I am long winded. And this particular poem was deisgned as a means of foreplay; so while it probably won't appeal to the masses due to its length, I can't imagine that it would survive the chainsaw. It's a matter of cadence; however, if the overwhelming review is that it's just hands down too friggin' long, I'll have to strongly consider it.

Quality, not quantity. You can turn the reader on with less words. You don't need to go on and on to achieve that.

As to the "thees", "thous" etc, I know there are very few people around that still appreciate the use of old english (ok, few that even know what it means); but the sad fact is that I often actually talk that way, so it shows up in a lot of my poetry; I think that if I stopped putting it in there, it would lose some level of its signature.

Doth, for example, does sound strange in this particular poem. Also, "Negro Spiritual" seems to come out of nowhere. It's definitely interesting, but not sure about using it in this poem.

Have you thought about making this into a story? I've actually turned my poems into stories and vice versa. Be creative, but do what makes you happy.

 

[champagne1982]

champagne, thank you for your critique, it came much sooner than I expected. I agree that I should find a different mechanism than the elipses; this poem is full of it. I tend to get lost in conveying the speed at which I wish the reader to experience it through pause, but I know it's extremely bad practice. Has anyone any good suggestions on an alternative to the elipse?

You're welcome. I'd really love to see an edited version.

You are using the ellipses as an experience control device. Think about inserting a phrase to ask your reader to stop, breathe, touch their lips with their fingers or something similar. This would add a connection directly to your voice and the audience physically.

For instance, your first two strophes:

Imagine me across from thee,
Now gaze back, mirror my intensity.
Pause, my sweet, and share this fantasy
And wander inside my dreams.

Touch thy hair and comb it free
let it fall across soft shoulders, luxury
in these kisses pressed to skin secretly
arousing with lips and touch.

In using a conversational tone in this opening I believe I've slowed the audience down and actually hope to have tempted one or two readers to lift their hands to a stray lock of hair.

I don't have to tell them that my fingers are all of those places or that I kiss them here and here and here. Do you see what I've caused? Your audience is allowed to imagine where those kisses land and how that would feel happening. That will slow her down. I can practically guarantee it.

I think that if you're going to include the antiquated pronouns and such, then you're going to need to be more imperative in your voice, so you don't have to use them as often, but, you also need to use them consistently through the entire poem.

I hope that illustrates more of what I mean.


HI EVE

 

[Tzara]

I agree that I should find a different mechanism than the elipses; this poem is full of it. I tend to get lost in conveying the speed at which I wish the reader to experience it through pause, but I know it's extremely bad practice. Has anyone any good suggestions on an alternative to the elipse?

Hi, MOX, and welcome.

An ellipsis is sometimes used to indicate a pause in speech, but it is more typically used to indicate faltering speech (per The Chicago Manual of Style) or, especially, to indicate words that are being left out (as of a quotation). You seem to want to use it to create a caesura, or pause, in how a line is read. As Eve indicated, one way to do that is through punctuation: period, comma, colon, dash, and, yes, ellipsis, but ellipses more commonly are used for these other purposes.

There are other ways of implying caesurae in verse--by choice of line breaks, for example. If I look at your first stanza

Sitting across from you... staring deeply into your eyes...
My mind can't help but wanderlust... of you to fantasize
Thinking of all the delicious things... I'd do if I were there...
Starting off with something so simple and innocent as running my fingers through your luxurious hair​

it looks to me as if you are using the caesurae in place of line breaks merely for the sake of your end rhyme. It reads to me as if it should have been written

Sitting across from you
staring deeply into your eyes
My mind can't help but wanderlust
of you to fantasize
Thinking of all the delicious things
I'd do if I were there
Starting off with something so innocent
as running fingers through your hair​

or something like that.

Another option would be to use spacing in the poem to indicate a caesura. This is often done in modern poetry, though not as regularly as you have it here. It is characteristic of some epic poems, like Beowulf. This technique maintains something of the look of your poem as is current without the irritation of all those ellipses:

Sitting across from you....staring deeply into your eyes
My mind can't help but wanderlust....of you to fantasize
Thinking of all the delicious things....I'd do if I were there
Starting off with something so simple and innocent as running my fingers through your luxurious hair​

 

[MasterOfX]

Suddenly, I find apples very appealing

Just how seroius are you about saving those apples, Eve?

An alternative is called the period and the comma.

LOL, yes, I know they'll stop at commas and periods, semicolons too . I understand about the quality over quantity issue; however, my motivation in writing this poem isn't simply to arouse.

Insert dramatic pause

A good friend of mine was once explaining to me that she enjoyed reading novels by Zane, an author I've never read so I had no idea what the subject matter might be. She went on to tell me that she had loaned a few of them to her father. He was surprised by the stirrings the books caused within him. He wasn't quite sure how to deal with the compulsion; he told her he didn't know whether to masturbate or take a cold shower.

I proceeded to laugh and then found myself wondering whether the reaction was common among her readers (I believe Zane's female, but won't swear to it), and what kind of effect my writings had on her. She told me, "Honey, Zane makes a person want to masturbate; your works make someone want to fuck."

In truth that was always my intention, though I didn't actively think along those lines. I like being able to affect my audience, even if it's a very specific niche, especially causing them to need physical interaction with themselves, someone else, or more. It's an especially delicious treat to find out that someone experienced spontaneous orgasm from reading something I've written; it's rare, but I've been told by people I trust that such has occured.

Now I said all that to say this. Aside from being long winded, I'm slow triggered; I find that I generally consume multiple stories (as they're often very short), even when they're multiple chapter entries, before I can finally reach the level of arousal necessary to achieve my goal. Of course, this may not translate to the typical reader, but I've always tried to make sure that there was enough substance present so as not to unduly tease the reader if she (again, this was written primarily for a female audience) were interested in finding a release.

Having said that, I realize, lengthy though this poem is (and others of my poems and especially stories tend to be), that it generally will not serve as more than an appetizer for the general reader, so along with eradicating the elipses, I am going to take out ye ole jigsaw and see what can be done. Perhaps I'll present it in two versions, like a Director's Cut; one terse and the other verbose.

Doth, for example, does sound strange in this particular poem. Also, "Negro Spiritual" seems to come out of nowhere. It's definitely interesting, but not sure about using it in this poem.

Have you thought about making this into a story? I've actually turned my poems into stories and vice versa. Be creative, but do what makes you happy.

For the reader completely unfamiliar with the way that I speak, Doth certainly comes out of the blue. Frankly most of the people that have read my works before this have known me in a chat forum, or interacted with me in person; both of these situations give them a chance to become aclimated to the eccentricities of my personal communication style. The problem of course is that now I'm stepping out onto a wider stage, so I can't really rely on that; you're right, it doesn't fit from that perspective, but I may be stuck on it. I'll give it some consideration.

The old Negroe spiritual bit is another one of those eccentricities, I sing them quite frequently actually. [highlight]Warning, TMI follows: [/highlight][size=-2] I tend to actually do that occassionally when performing cunnilingus, I like the effect of humming against the clit, or along any path that will termiinate there; however, I feel silly immitating a vibrator, with one frequency, so I hum something deeply moving. [/size][highlight]end TMI[/highlight].

And yes, I've written both stories and poems, often they find their way into each other as I often break into prose without being quite aware. I may very well consider making this into the beginning of a short story

Thanks for the suggestions, Eve btw, if you want to save the innocent life of this Gala apple sitting on my desk, drop me a line

MasterOfX

 

[MasterOfX]

Where's Paul Bunnion(sp?) when you need him?

i agree with Champagne -- you really need to fire up the chain saw on this poem, become a real lumberjack.

I'll let you know when the terse version is complete

MasterOfX

 

[MasterOfX]

So Beowulf wasn't misprinted!

There are other ways of implying caesurae in verse--by choice of line breaks...

You know, when I read the English Translation of Beowulf in highschool, I thought it was misprinted due to the weird spacing that almost looked like some mutated form of justification to me. Until your post, I really didn't realize that was there for effect, I thank you for that.

After reading your response I immediately thought of the musical rest, and started scouring HTML manuals to find a code for entering one. For any one seeking a code, give it up; download an image instead.

You're right, the poem flows better with the lines broken at the pause points, but the poem always had a reasonably attractive blocking in its original form. I'm actually going to try a few of your suggestions and see what comes out, I'll let you know. By the way, the reference materials to which you're linking me are great. I haven't studied poetry proper since I was in school, probably 8th grade to be precise, as poetry always came naturally to me; so I'm loving the opportunity to actually learn (or in some cases refresh) the discipline.

Thanks for all your insight

MasterOfX

p.s. Champagne1982 you've once against edified me, I'm ashamed to admit that I don't ever recall having known what a strophe was; please, keep me referencing the dictionary! I honestly can't remember the last time I acquired so much useful information from one group of people.

 

[WickedEve]

To a certain extent, your poem reads like hundreds of online erotic poems and stories. I'm sure it's a turn on to the women you mentioned, and part of that may be because these women know you. Maybe they are simply responding to the sexual content and they aren't really that interested in poetry.

But if you have an audience for your particular style, that's good.

If a poet (any poet) wants his poetry to be more than cliche, naughty words that make horny women want to fingerfuck themselves, then he needs to start learning the basics.

I want you to read a poem by a poet who is no longer at literotica. His poem is a good example of erotica. No, I don't want to finger my pussy after reading it, but it does make me feel sexy and warm in all the right spots. And it's good writing.


Rejecting Reuben
by SA Storm ©

She gazes into the mirror
attempting to readjust gravity.
I compliment her figure in earnest sincerity,
my comment is followed by her raising an eyebrow
skeptical of reflected fact, she turns instead toward fiction
creating an image that she sees in her minds mirror.

Still I know that far off gaze,
time has redesigned her body.
She wants to be the gazelle of years ago,
lean and sinewy perked breast vixen.
Shaking her head in comprise
she settles for just a few pounds here and there.

Responds to reality with "I'm too fat, too wide, just look at my ass."

Delighted at the invitation,
I walk behind her for a better view
enjoying the roundness of her body.
I examine the width of her hips
and sample memories
of time spent sheltered there.

It has not occurred to me
to have her twirl a baton
or run the 100 meter dash.

I simply love to look at her,
to feel her body yielding to my presence,
the embrace of her flesh around me.

I pull her against me,
watching her eyes flutter.
The sarcastic look fades
into a feigning of surprise,
as she feels my hardness against her
nesting perfectly content between each half of her complaint.

For a moment she is the gazelle
giggling girlishly and pulling
slightly away from me.
Despite the coquettish behavior
I feel her accept my compliment of arousal.
She responds with a silent thank you
expressed in the warmth of her body, extended breaths the almost imperceptible push
of her hips into my groin.

Our eyes meet at points on the mirror,
she sees I do not want the gazelle.
That version of her cannot wear the potent sexuality that comes only with grace of age and attitude.
I feel a shiver at the hunger in her eyes
and as I slip inside her, time gives her back to me the way I want her.

Kissing each freckle on her shoulders,
trailing fingers over the parts she would change.
"Fine, I'll keep my hips" she murmurs.

 

[annaswirls]

just a general comment, nothing specific tonight

In reviewing the success of your poem: I guess much depends upon your intent. If your intent is to get women to want to fuck, and that is happening, then super, it works! But women are different, knowing many is not knowing all. Nothing personal, just a matter of opinion, your poem did not make me want to fuck anything. I am no prude, trust me. My biggest turn on is skill. Regardless of content, how well a poet can move me, pick me up in one place and set me down somewhere else, god, that power is the biggest aphrodisiac of them all.

In brief, the poem is too wordy, too common, and does not leave enough for my imagination. The people who have given you comments are talented writers. Just think about your goal, if you want to write a more well crafted poem, listen to them. Not everyone wants that.

 

[annaswirls]

just a suggestion eh hem

Warning, TMI follows: I tend to actually do that occassionally when performing cunnilingus, I like the effect of humming against the clit, or along any path that will termiinate there; however, I feel silly immitating a vibrator, with one frequency, so I hum something deeply moving. end TMI.

baby, you have to know, that the best poems are often the stuff that TMI is made of.

simmer this statement down
how can you make us feel that buzz
in a potent elixir of poetry

what language can you use
how can you bring us to open our metaphorical knees so to speak

that buzz you do may be unique, but not totally unique,
but it is interesting. it captures. holds.
it even made you want to change fonts
and colors
and pause

see?

that means it is important.

anything that makes you pause
change your step
is important
and why?

what does this process remind you of, this buzz of imitation?
do you do anything else in your every day life to imitate something that pleases women? Do you metamorphisize yourself in other ways that might be telling? How exciting if you do, how interesting!!!
can you make a clever tie between the two?

and did you ever stop and think, you are not imitating the vibrator, the vibrator imitates you, you wonderful miraculous human with digits and glorious appendages to bring pleasure, can you tie that in? life imitating art or vice versa? explore that catch 22 of sorts?

dont tell us how you do it
do it
show it
without thinking about form or rhyme
try to say it in a way
no one has ever said it
and I have said it
I have used that hummmm
and no, not saying I have done it better by no means
what is between lovers is not for us to judge
but what is between a poet and his or her readers, ah ha, that is

and many have said it, spoken of that hummmm and vibration
but what what what makes you a unique human
what can you show us to remind us that while we are all the same there is always that THING that something that no one else could ever do, no one else could ever think or make us feel, what can you do to make us feel like we are not alone, but still, we are individuals together in a common world

of course not ever poem can do this, to only write when one can succeed in this goal would be crazy. but close your eyes
and make that hum
make that buzz
do it
yes
really do it as you are writing

take off your socks
breathe
and why why why why is it important
why is that buzz so important
because it IS.
can you figure out why?

put your fingers on your lips, wet them first
close your eyes
let it take you somewhere
that you might not expect
and take us take us take us with you
please

 

[annaswirls]

I have the most unsexy av in the world. how can anyone take me seriously

 

[vampiredust]

i preferred seeing your thighs

but armadillos can be sexy

 

[champagne1982]

I have the most unsexy av in the world. how can anyone take me seriously

But

I'm buzz-hummin' my slippery fingers
and my mind overflows
sensation to my secrets that stirs
me to roll my hips against buzz-
hummin' lips to do that dance
of lewd behaviour and heat
that comes from shakin'
me up too hard.

 

[ShyErraticTable]

I have the most unsexy av in the world. how can anyone take me seriously

The Sexy Armadillo Sonnet

Yes! Even armadillos fuck. It's true!
Those spiny little creatures, Texans true:
check out their long proboscis, tell me that
it isn't used in probing someone's twat.

Oh, that's too rude. I'm sorry. Much too crude,
though maybe Texan, maybe? I'm enthused
by that little armored thingie. Texas,
shit, rules, at least in Texas. Any ass

who thinks an armadillo's something odd
is not from Austin, can't sing, and a clod
or is at least a Northerner, a dope
who's jealous of the weather here and mopes.

Why sit and focus on Republicans
when football is what makes Americans?


Pardon the threadjack, MasterOfX. It won't happen again. At least not soon. Well, not too soon, anyway. Hey. Maybe not for fifteen minutes or so. Maybe. Well...

 

[naamplao]

I think there is a lot of potential in this poem but you are far to wordy in my opinion, far to specific in many cases when you refer to "you" in your poem.
This is a verse form your poem:

Rubbing essential oils into your flesh...
As I fill the air with aromas that you like best...
Massaging you slowly... missing not one single part...
Losing myself meditating within you... as I become one with your heart...

It could be made a lot simpler and more effective with fewer words

Rubbing oils into your flesh,
Aromas rise that you like best,
Massaging slowly, missing not one part,
Losing myself, becoming one with your heart.

Less is more, if you know what I mean. You are adding detail where it doesn't need to be. Let the readers fill in the blanks with their own thoughts.

 

[unapologetic]

Three things

1. You've got a lot of lovely words here, but
2. There are too many of them (I know I'm echoing others with this comment).
3. I know you weren't trying to follow any certain meter, but there was a certain rhythm going in certain points that you went on to interrupt. Those feel like speed bumps.

Hope that's helpful.

 

[MasterOfX]

I'm so behind on these posts!

It's been a long week and I haven't been around to keep up with the words of wisdom you have been sending my way; I'm much appreciative.

Rubbing oils into your flesh,
Aromas rise that you like best,
Massaging slowly, missing not one part,
Losing myself, becoming one with your heart.

Less is more, if you know what I mean. You are adding detail where it doesn't need to be. Let the readers fill in the blanks with their own thoughts.

You know, you're right, it reads better the way you wrote it; I'm going to sit down this weekend and try re-writing it in a more terse form, see if it survives in a manner that I can live with.

I must say, while I did fully expect to get some good advice from literotica participants, these postings have far exceeded my expectations.

 

[MasterOfX]

I hate speed bumps!

1. You've got a lot of lovely words here, but
2. There are too many of them (I know I'm echoing others with this comment).
3. I know you weren't trying to follow any certain meter, but there was a certain rhythm going in certain points that you went on to interrupt. Those feel like speed bumps.

Hope that's helpful.

yes, rhythm is one of the most important aspects of this particular work, and upon re-reading, I realize those speed bumps do occur. It's unfortunate lol as I'd like to think I hadn't made that oversite, BUT! I'm glad you picked up on it; I'll pay more attention to it on the next scrubbing;

I may have to hesitate posting these on the main site 'til they're more refined. I have another one entitled "Making Love by Proxy: Masturbation" which I think is in better repair than this one, so I'll wait 'til my next turn around to have you all pull out the red pens again.

Thanks again

MasterOfX