...

[HyunnaPark]

...

 

[draco519]

I immediately have so many questions. I'm interested, just in the reading, what the snow fever is. What the white tigers are, and of course the prospect of a blowjob league in West Virginia lol

So, with this opener? If you're hoping to get readers curious? It worked on me.

 

[dirk2024]

A couple of things confused me. So I had to go back and re-read the piece several times. If it's a story I'm reading in the "library", I don't always do that, sometimes I just click out of it and move on,

We sit in folding metal chairs. Brightly colored cartoon characters frolic through a grubby green and brown forest, their glee frozen in paint on the hard stone walls. It’s winter, and the heat is way too high.

I'm still not sure what you are talking about here. It is very visual, but it's not making sense to me.



And this section below strains its believability. Twelve Asian women on one team and a university in Appalachia? There's not one redneck cracker among the bunch?

Last Saturday, we brought home Iguthu Lake University’s first Appalachian Blowjob League championship. No one expected us to win, though. I thought it would be my last time, and telling myself that was how I pushed through the exhaustion of a tough season.

 

[StillStunned]

I agree with @dirk2024 - there are too many "unknowns" thrown at the reader for an opening. It's great to have something mysterious to hook the reader, but don't leave them floundering. Let them feel solid ground beneath their feet while they're wondering about the key hook. Add further mysteries later when the reader is more comfortable in the story.

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

Granted, I’ve read your previous story so I’m intuitively picking up the cues. It’s not super explicit but overall, think that’s fine and contributes to the mystery of the scene.

She has a fetish. Support group. Held in a children’s part of a library/recreation center (or some place like it).

Not sure if snow fever is a totally universal term but there’s obviously time to explain it after this intro, if you’d wanted to.

 

[AG31]

I agree with all of the above. Whether the opening works depends on whether we get some clarity very early on about what snow fever is, for sure.

 

[crookedletter]

Like others have said, a lot of questions are going to come to the reader's head pretty quickly here. In general I'm on board with that, I don't mind a bit of a puzzle and there are some good sensory details that give the reader something to hold onto.

My main source of confusion here is the distinction between the "we" of the blowjob champions and the group she's addressing now. I'm assuming if she just quit then she's not sitting before her team speaking to them like they're an addicts' support group, right? If it's the same group then I'd question why she's sitting before them if she just quit; if it's a different group then I'd say that needs to be made clearer in the language. That's a quick switch to who "we" is with no antecedent.

Other than that I'd say it's a solid opening.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

I'm still not sure what you are talking about here. It is very visual, but it's not making sense to me.

It's describing the room the meeting is taking place in. The wall has a mural of a forest scene. The thermostat is set too high and making the room too warm.


"And this section below strains its believability. Twelve Asian women on one team and a university in Appalachia? There's not one redneck cracker among the bunch?"

The eleven Asian women are in the support group. The make up of the team is not discussed.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

My main source of confusion here is the distinction between the "we" of the blowjob champions and the group she's addressing now. I'm assuming if she just quit then she's not sitting before her team speaking to them like they're an addicts' support group, right? If it's the same group then I'd question why she's sitting before them if she just quit; if it's a different group then I'd say that needs to be made clearer in the language.

She's in the support group about to recall the experiences with the team she's no longer a part of.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Snow Fever can be either cocaine, or ...

I've read some threads here and there about Asian women that have a fixation/fetish for white men.

 

[crookedletter]

She's in the support group about the recall the experiences with the team she's no longer a part of.

Sure, that was ultimately my conclusion too. My point is the language doesn't make that clear, and at first read the switched "we" without antecedent is confusing.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

My point is the language doesn't make that clear, and at first read the switched "we" without antecedent is confusing.

Yet. It's a prologue. Stories don't have full detail at that point.

There are two 'wes' (the support group and the team) and an 'I' (the tale teller).

 

[crookedletter]

Yet. It's a prologue. Stories don't have full detail at that point.

It's not a matter of clarifying all the story's questions immediately. It's a matter of using two "we"s in two consecutive paragraphs that refer to different groups. My suggestion would be to revise that to make the language clearer. (And if I'm not mistaken @TheRedLantern was actively seeking feedback...)

 

[ElectricBlue]

If a sequence requires commentary to make it clear what's going on, the sequence isn't clear.

It needs more precision in the sentences. It's also a bit info-dumpy for my liking. I'll be brutal - there's enough there for me to back click, find something else.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

I wanted to try getting some feedback on whether this opening "works". I'm less interested in a line-level review at this point (although if you see something clunky it's never too early to catch that, but this is less than 5% of the total manuscript so there's a good chance I'll throw the whole opening out if it doesn't work) and more interested in a holistic developmental review.

Hey, I tried.

Works well enough for me though to form a picture.

 

[XerXesXu]

After the MC introduced herself, I had 'Bubble Pop' playing my head and couldn't concentrate reading on.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I wanted to try getting some feedback on whether this opening "works". I'm less interested in a line-level review at this point (although if you see something clunky it's never too early to catch that, but this is less than 5% of the total manuscript so there's a good chance I'll throw the whole opening out if it doesn't work) and more interested in a holistic developmental review. This is a followup to an earlier piece, but I don't expect that readers will necessarily have read it, so the only context a reader is guaranteed to have is that this will get posted to the Interracial Love category.

I'm interested in the reactions. Since this is the opening, its goals are to introduce the POV character, introduce the conflict that the story promises to resolve, and to get the reader invested.

The way I've seen this done in the past is that the author isn't allowed to respond, so I'll try not to say anything other than "Thank you, Sir, may I have another." The goal isn't to defend my work, it's to test whether it's strong enough to hold up without needed to be defended. In this thread, no criticism is too harsh. I'd 1000% rather hear something terrible here than inflict a bad idea on the readers of Literotica who have lots of other options for how they spend their time.

=====

“My name is Hyunna, and I have snow fever.”

Eleven faces look back, nodding sympathetically. In jumbled unison they welcome me into their group. Eleven Asian women with the same problem. The same feral tiger lurks in all of us, and the promise of the night is that, with each other’s support, we can learn to live with it one day at a time.

We sit in folding metal chairs. Brightly colored cartoon characters frolic through a grubby green and brown forest, their glee frozen in paint on the hard stone walls. It’s winter, and the heat is way too high.

Something inside me broke a week ago when I realized we were going to Nationals.

Last Saturday, we brought home Iguthu Lake University’s first Appalachian Blowjob League championship. No one expected us to win, though. I thought it would be my last time, and telling myself that was how I pushed through the exhaustion of a tough season.

I skipped practice this whole week, saying I had a sore throat.

Today I told my coach I quit.

Thinking about it makes the air thick and heavy. Suddenly my skin doesn’t feel big enough to keep everything in. The room backs away from me. My heart beats against my ribs. My neck and palms itch. It’s fear, but of what?

At the same time I still feel the hungry growl in my soul … my tiger. My snow fever.

“It’s okay to share with the group, Hyunna,” the oldest woman says. A few creases near her eyelids are the only physical signs of her age, but the calm understanding etched on her face says that I’m not alone. “Tell us how you’re feeling.”

You lost me at "My name is."
Personal hate... Stories that start in that manner. I'd hit the back button at the opening line...
That's just my opinion... I'm no literary expert... Just a reader...

Cagivagurl

 

[Cagivagurl]

I was expecting that. I don't love this technique either and it was the part I thought would get brought up immediately, and this was the part that I was most interested in seeing the reaction to.

It's my pet hate...
For me, I might have started like this...

... Glancing around the unknown faces, I couldn't stop the dark depressive thoughts, 'was this me? Is that who i am?' I knew my turn approached, and it ould be me standing confessing, announcing my deepest fear. Hi, my name is ***** And I'm ******."

 

[Bramblethorn]

Agree with the need to avoid ambiguity on two different "we"s.

As a smaller thing, "feral tiger" threw me. I think most likely this was just meant to communicate "wild animal". But wild is the default, and "feral" has more specific connotations of "escaped domesticity".

I could understand describing the women as feral, if it's a "good girls gone bad" kind of vibe. But if the "tiger" inside them used to be domestic...at this point the metaphor is getting confusing and distracting.

ETA: it's a bit like that scene from a certain infamous fantasy novel where somebody is described as "like a demon possessed" - "a demon possessed by another demon?" Two things which have similar connotations individually but which get in one another's way when combined.

 

[ChloeTzang]

I agree with all of the above. Whether the opening works depends on whether we get some clarity very early on about what snow fever is, for sure.

Snow fever? Really. LOL. The asian-girl equivalent of yellow fever in white guys.

As in, "I think I've caught snow fever just from looking at him."

 

[ChloeTzang]

I'd start with this line myself

“It’s okay to share with the group, Hyunna,” the oldest woman, seated almost directly opposite me in the circle of folding metal chairs says. A few creases near her eyelids are the only physical signs of her age, but the calm understanding etched on her face says that I’m not alone. “Tell us how you’re feeling.”

Eleven other faces turn towards me, nodding sympathetically. Eleven other Asian faces. Asian women with the same problem. Snow Fever.

I love that last line, I really think THAT is actually yout first line - and this is what I do - I hack it out without stopping, pour out the words in any old sequence - dialog, scenes, one liners, description - and THEN you look at it and move things round, sequebce and resequence, get a flow going..... - and you have it all in the opening.

NOW you polish it. Resequence, make some of it dialog, some of it thoughts, put some of it in other characters mouths. You've already established the old lady as an authority figure, a voice of experience. Built her out and use her as the foil to Hyunna as you go forward

Some of the phrasing is a bit of a puzzle tho - the "feral tiger" thing I think would probably fit better later on when the story is underway - it's snow fever, so it's more of a craving or a lust thing - the yellow feber equivalent. The whole thing about the champiuonship and the rest should all be dialog as the dilemma / problem that Hyunna is facing is drawn from her - and also perhaps there should be in there some recognition from the others of Hyunna's superb performance in the championship......

 

[TheRedChamber]

You lost me at "My name is."
Personal hate... Stories that start in that manner. I'd hit the back button at the opening line...
That's just my opinion... I'm no literary expert... Just a reader...

Cagivagurl

I agree if the story starts with a simple statement in prose statement of the MCs name. However here given that the sentence is the typical (stereotypical) statement for rehab groups it immediately sets the stage in a simple way (and immediately establishes what is presumably the main point of the story, however we feel about that) Not that some of the rewrites don't work as well.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I agree if the story starts with a simple statement in prose statement of the MCs name. However here given that the sentence is the typical (stereotypical) statement for rehab groups it immediately sets the stage in a simple way (and immediately establishes what is presumably the main point of the story, however we feel about that) Not that some of the rewrites don't work as well.

For most readers, that's possibly the case.
For me...
If I see, "My name is."
I just stop reading. I've read quite a lot of stories, and the one's that start in that manner. Invariable turn out to be emotionless action menu's... And leave me cold.
I don't even progress to the second line...

I do agree, that if you can get past that opening gambit. It does fit...
My problem is history and other disappointing stories... So yeah, I see that and just hit back...
I did say that it was only my opinion... Relevant to my reading quirks...

Cagivagurl

 

[filthytrancendence]

I was going to say almost exactly what @ChloeTzang said

I think if you put the whole intro through the lens of her explaining the situation to the support group, it will have the effect of helping you think though how to explain it to the audience as well. It also grounds the explanation to something the character is actually doing. I think part of why it's a little hard to follow is that some of the paragraphs feel disconnected form each other. Having a narrative through-line like her talking to the support group will better align the experience of the audience with that of the MC.

I also read your contest submission a few days ago, so I'm not going in blind either. I wouldn't have understood that first line at all last week, but I immediately remembered your whole story from just the name and the phrase 'snow fever,' for what that's worth.