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[dreamysub]

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[easyoff]

So, I am with my BF for more than 15 years now, so I guess he is bored of me, but HOW on earth can someone prefer xxx videos OVER the real thing? I don't understand. I really don't..

Here I am, in the same bed with him, eager to suck his cock or to do whatever the hell he wants really and he tells me "I am not in the mood for sex these days, sorry" and then he goes watch porn or read xxx stories. I know, because I've seen the internet browser history..

I am not idiot, I know I can't cope with the sexy models on the interent.. But fucking hell I am right HERE?!! Craving him real bad and there he goes watch xxx videos and rejecting me over and over again..sigh. Guess I suck.

Anyone care to explain please?

He's probably looking at things he knows or thinks you won't do with him.
3somes. 4somes, bi, gay, incest and so on

 

[JusticeGrey]

I'm my own experience, I would much rather have sex with my wife than watch porn, etc, but the porn is a sure thing whereas she is very hit or miss (mostly miss these days). If he's already masturbated a few times when you initiate, maybe he doesn't think he can perform.

Or maybe he's addicted to pornography and has trouble performing without it.

 

[JusticeGrey]

Based on your lit name, I assume he's Dom?

 

[Somethingdifferent74]

That sucks to hear about your partner. Maybe initiate some acts or purchase some BDSM toys? Wake him up with a bj? Its sad but if those don't work then perhaps he's not attracted to you. In which case you deserve better.

 

[FeralSmile]

I think it's likely not really mostly about sex, as odd as that sounds. How's your relationship otherwise?

If there's a problem with emotional intimacy, which to be VERY clear I am not suggesting is your fault (I know nothing about your relationship), partners can seek fantasy elsewhere. Usually the solution lies in having a real conversation about the issue. I'd avoid being accusatory and just seek to understand what's happening, for best results.

Maybe he has fantasies he doesn't feel comfortable including you in. Maybe he's unhappy with the relationship. Maybe he's shallow or a player. Maybe he's going through some other stuff that impacts on his emotional availability and he's seeking solace in fantasy.

Maybe he doesn't realize it's hurting you. Maybe he wants it to hurt you. Maybe it's not about you at all, in his mind.

There are a lot of ways this can happen, and a lot of reasons.

15 years is a very long time to be in a relationship, and people can change, and expectations can shift. Depending on your communication, he might be in a different place now than you think he is or want him to be. The first step though is talking about it.

Talk to him. Stay calm. Be clear about your feelings. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve love.

 

[live4thebj]

I prefer the real thing. But we can’t have the real thing every time we are in the mood. Porn and masturbating takes the edge off.

 

[live4thebj]

So, I am with my BF for more than 15 years now, so I guess he is bored of me, but HOW on earth can someone prefer xxx videos OVER the real thing? I don't understand. I really don't..

Here I am, in the same bed with him, eager to suck his cock or to do whatever the hell he wants really and he tells me "I am not in the mood for sex these days, sorry" and then he goes watch porn or read xxx stories. I know, because I've seen the internet browser history..

I am not idiot, I know I can't cope with the sexy models on the interent.. But fucking hell I am right HERE?!! Craving him real bad and there he goes watch xxx videos and rejecting me over and over again..sigh. Guess I suck.

Anyone care to explain please?

Look at what kind of movies and stories he is reading and then try to setup a fantasy using that topic.

And if it is male gay sex porn. Breakup.

 

[KatieDoes]

So, I am with my BF for more than 15 years now, so I guess he is bored of me, but HOW on earth can someone prefer xxx videos OVER the real thing? I don't understand. I really don't..

Here I am, in the same bed with him, eager to suck his cock or to do whatever the hell he wants really and he tells me "I am not in the mood for sex these days, sorry" and then he goes watch porn or read xxx stories. I know, because I've seen the internet browser history..

I am not idiot, I know I can't cope with the sexy models on the interent.. But fucking hell I am right HERE?!! Craving him real bad and there he goes watch xxx videos and rejecting me over and over again..sigh. Guess I suck.

Anyone care to explain please?

Is he dishonest with you and dismissive of your feelings, needs, and concerns in other aspects of your life? Or just when it comes to sex?

 

[Saint_Ann]

Watching porn or masturbating to porn?

 

[siobhancan99]

If you've been together 15 years you should strongly consider the possibility he has some erectile dysfunction and isn't comfortable addressing it with you. As also alluded to, there may be other emotional issues in the relationship. How are you two towards each other in nonsexual situations? Are you affectionate? do you touch each other? or is there distance?

 

[live4thebj]

But real blowjob is still better than watching porn and masturbating, no? I keep offering him that, but he's not intrested.

Not a good sign if I am being honest.

 

[LeinadVirgo]

I haven't read all your posts (sorry). But I will say that i have had more arousal and desire from online friends than the real thing. Arousal and sexuality is more important to me than the physical acts. An orgasm is nice, and sex is a great exercise, but something erotic and kinky that sticks in the brain is so much better

 

[Winchester3030]

So, I am with my BF for more than 15 years now, so I guess he is bored of me, but HOW on earth can someone prefer xxx videos OVER the real thing? I don't understand. I really don't..

Here I am, in the same bed with him, eager to suck his cock or to do whatever the hell he wants really and he tells me "I am not in the mood for sex these days, sorry" and then he goes watch porn or read xxx stories. I know, because I've seen the internet browser history..

I am not idiot, I know I can't cope with the sexy models on the interent.. But fucking hell I am right HERE?!! Craving him real bad and there he goes watch xxx videos and rejecting me over and over again..sigh. Guess I suck.

Anyone care to explain please?

I totally do not understand this! If I had a willing partner I would never need porn! I’m in a sexless marriage because she has no interest at all! A willing person like you would be a dream!

 

[siobhancan99]

Yeah I know, thats why I am freaking out.. But he keeps telling me it's not me, that it's him getting old etc. etc.

This makes it seem like its medical. A lot of guys are too ashamed to talk about it.

 

[Somethingdifferent74]

I can't wake him up with bj cuz he wouldn't let me..

That's definitely a concern. Sorry you gotta go through that tho.

 

[FeralSmile]

Well, I think our relationship is okay otherwise. It's just the sex/intimacy part where we struggle, which is kinda sad. The part that should bring us closer keep seperating us instead..

I know my BF is very stressed out from his work and some other things too, but so am I. We got 2 teenage kids that can be pain in the ass, but it's the age you know. I know it's stressful sometimes, but isn't that more reason to relax and enjoy each other when we can? I mean, there ALWAYS gonna be some reason why NOT now. There always gonna be stress and other problems, but that doesn't mean we should stop living, no?

My bf's mum died 7 years ago, do you think he could still be greeving? They were very close and I know he miss talking to her. His best friend died few years back as well. Two friends actualy. It was couple really shitty years, but it's like 6-7 years back. Am I being unsensitive? You think he could be still greeving? Once I loose my mum I will probably go insane, can't imagine how can someone deal with something like that or how long it might take. But then agian, when he's in the mood for porn, why not in the mood for sex with me? I just don't get it.

It's not even just about the SEX. I am up for anything really and I told him. We could just lay naked or cuddle and I would be happy like pig in shit, but since I am getting none of it, unless I force myself into his arms, it's hard. I would never force him to have sex with me when he doesn't want too, but it makes me sad. Just wish it wasn't always me hugging him, I wanna be hugged and hold too. Theres a BIG difference between hug and being hugged and want and being wanted. Big difference..

It could be grief. It could be stress. It could be about physical changes like erectile dysfunction or just lack of desire in general. It could be about changes in how he sees himself at this point in his life. It could be about shifts in his sexuality and how it expresses. It could be emotional trouble, like depression or problems he sees with your relationship. It could be several or none of these things.

One thing to consider... some people lie on the asexual spectrum, which can cover a whole range of views from "I don't want sex as often as I think I should" to "I'm not interested in sex". People can change in this regard as they get older, and as they go through life changes, as well. And if he's not sure about how interested he is in sex, one way to explore that safely is through porn.

It's also possible that this is depression; that his lack of physical intimacy comes from him withdrawing because he's sad and feels defeated. That's tough on several levels, especially because you can't really talk someone out of depression, and confronting them might only make it worse.

If he wasn't interested in sex, and that was the only issue, he could still kiss you and hug you and show physical affection without being aroused. But if he's depressed, or if he's feeling emotionally distant from you, he might not be comfortable with those kinds of displays of affection.

The only way to know is to talk to him. And it sounds like you've been trying without success.

Is there anyone else in your life that knows you both, that might be able to help with this? A marriage counselor or parent or priest or close friend or something?

 

[FeralSmile]

Not really, my BF would never talk about this with anyone. Me asking him to go see a counselor would just make him feel that he failed me and I have no desire to make him feel like that.

I'm going to be blunt here: doesn't already feel like that? Isn't that, objectively, true? From your point of view (and mine, assuming everything you've shared here is honest), he absolutely is failing you. You've asked him to change his behavior and he's chosen not to. You're literally weeping and reaching out to strangers seeking help.

Who are you helping by not admitting he's failing you? It doesn't seem to be helping you, and it doesn't seem to be helping him.

So maybe the first step is to accept that he has failed you, and not to try to hide it or underplay it. That doesn't mean being angry or aggressive; that almost never helps at all. But if you start from the point of view that he's doing something hurtful and it needs to stop somehow, this can help you clarify what your options are.

I don't think you can solve this one by offering or demanding more sex. It's not, fundamentally, about you. There's something going on in his head that's causing him to act this way. If he won't work with you to fix it, and won't take action to fix it on his own, it's probably not going to improve.

It sounds like you're really unhappy, which is understandable. So you have to ask yourself: is this tolerable? Am I ok with things continuing like this? Maybe you are. A lot of people stay in broken relationships for various reasons. You have kids, which complicates things. You have a long history together. You have a lot of inertia holding you in place.

But is it ok to continue like this?

If not, if you're not willing to live your life like this, then you have to make some choices, and you're going to risk losing the relationship. He might leave, or you might decide you have to. Is it better to risk this by bringing in a counselor, or is it better to risk this by NOT taking that step? If you absolutely cannot bring in someone else to try to change things, is there any other approach you can use? How about you (just you, not the two of you) going to see a counselor? Maybe they have some better advice, or can help in other ways.

I think you need to do something, because you're miserable. What needs doing is of course up to you. Best of luck to you.

 

[allclad]

I don't know if there are real problems or not, but:

1. Watching porn takes zero energy. Sex takes both physical and, especially in the context of a committed relationship, emotional energy. This can be doubly true if you're emotionally needy.

2. Porn scenes are new/different. As guys, most of us like new and different. Sometime,somewhere, somebody got tired of fucking Kate Upton.

 

[KatieDoes]

If we touch? I do touch him, but he wouldn't touch me.. He wouldn't touch me even when I told him I really miss it. Miss it so much it makes me cry. Ibtold him that too and he still wouldn't touch me.. I've spent that night crying my eyes out.

Last time when we spoke about it ge told me when he hear his phone beep in the night he knows I am pissed off with him again, cuz I usualy write him an email about my feelings then. English is not my first languae, so it's better that way + my BF hates when I cry and I can't talk about it without crying about it.

After the last pregnancy I probably kept some weight, not much but I did. I asked my BF if he would want me again if I lise some weight and he told me to stop it. I was never thin girl, only till my 18, and never will be again I am afraid, but I try. I am not idiot I know men like thin girls better and I do try lose weight, so he would like me again. But do I deserve treating like that till I get thinner? I can't get anywhere near his cock and I can just dream about sucking it and then he goes watch porn..

Throw the whole man out. Not because he watches porn instead of fucking you. Because he dismisses your needs and feelings and makes you feel invalid for having them.

If he won’t go to counseling with you, go by yourself. Figure out why you‘re willing to accept this from him, and how to value yourself enough to not tolerate it.