10·Sep·2006 · "Connection" · sohosoul

[WickedEve]

Connection
by sohosoul

The rhythm gathers you into my arms, slow and gentle
bringing you to me, to life
like the tide to the moon, a motion of stars in the dark
adrift within the black velvet night
coursing through us, my body in time - in tune with you
in touch with your skin

Do I treat this moment as it were my last chance at redemption
or do I give in to the vague unknown of love and passion
Too little of us is seen to surface and the truth
our identities left behind as we delve the deeps of the mind
Shall we risk the shifting sands of movement, moments, memories
like missives let loose from sodden fingers,
To finally explore you, your body, your mind and your pleasure

If you were an ocean, deep and mysterious
would you let me wade into you, till I drowned
In the warm embrace of you... to lose myself
I might walk the shores of your mind
to feel the singular grains of your heart and mind
I may find the solace I need in the strongest part of you
and sink into the depths of you, I, we are one in each other.​

Ok, so it has been awhile since I have shared any of my work with the public, so here goes. This piece is one of my older ones and is part of a small manuscript of odes to love and passion. Please forgive the somewhat triviality of it, as I have far more literary fair to offer in seriousness. I simply would like to test the waters.

 

[clutching_calliope]

.....

 

[sohosoul]

Thank you

Thanks for the feedback CC. I know some of the strands are cliched, and I sometimes cringe when I use them. However, I find that there are times when the use of a popular cliche is best because the subject cannot be better described without extra words. I do like the water idea in using the ocean as the primary metaphor, and actually as I post more of my work from this manuscript I believe you will see the water played in a couple of the pieces.

 

[cherries_on_snow]

I like the gentleness of the rhythm you evoke and the lack of end punctuation doesn't bother me until we reach the question, which felt out of place. If her/his mind is already the ocean, why ask if s/he were the ocean? This pulled me back too far and out of the poem. Then the reader encounters the paradox of drowning from wading. I think you might really tighten up images to bring clarity to the poem instead of luxuriating in the sounds (nice alliteration, btw) maybe? Not sure if that's what's going on here, but that is where I go wrong when I experience the same kinds of problems. I also like what Clutching Calliope said about the images feeling cliche here and there. I think you wouldn't necessarily have to use more words to make a sharper image. It does take revision and practice to get it to work, though. Trust me, I know that work well.

Good luck here at Lit. I look forward to reading more of your work.

 

[Chryseis47]

Connection

This is a beautiful, moving piece of poetry. You have captured the tentative uncertainty of young love, with its tender romance, and breathless anticipation and whispered language brilliantly.