Domming the one you Love

Ive been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and we have tested the BDSM waters a few times now. Well this time I think it may stick seeing as Ill soon be out of college and Im going to pop the question....you know...Marriage...rings and everything. Well with our BDSM and her needing control frequently, how do I have a healthy relationship with my soon to be wire, and control her the way she needs and craves? Little help?

Not sure exactly what you are asking, or more precisely perhaps, what your main concern is. If it is that she will see your control as abuse, that is something that needs to be discussed, and she needs to consent to so it is not domestic violence. I thought though you had both been happy with your BDSM play before? Has something changed?

Catalina

John_Mira said:

Ive been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and we have tested the BDSM waters a few times now. Well this time I think it may stick seeing as Ill soon be out of college and Im going to pop the question....you know...Marriage...rings and everything. Well with our BDSM and her needing control frequently, how do I have a healthy relationship with my soon to be wire, and control her the way she needs and craves? Little help?

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You’ve tested the BDSM waters, and whatever you are comfortable with is what's healthy for you.

BDSM relationships are quite similar to vanilla relationships. Really, they are. You have trust, honesty, respect, love, and all those other emotions you feel for the one you love.

There are many places on this board itself that you can research that answer. There is a wonderful library up above and it has many answers that you seek. Please, read as much as you can. That’s always a good place to start.

Congratulations and Good Luck!!

I am in the same boat, marrying my submissive.

However, I am not worried about BDSM making our relationship more or less normal. It is what it is. It is good for us and anyone else's barometer of normalcy is wasted on us.

I will admit, however, that we have discussed at length the role that BDSM plays and will play in our relationship. Our conclusion is that BDSM is not what is the love, but is our way of sharing our love.

Talk, talk, talk and best wishes to you both,

MissT

my new experience is that whatever you negotiate and agree to, whatever you discover fits your bill, give a few months, and its out of date, and needs re-negotiating lol.

changing from in the bedroom only to 24/7 is a evolutionary process. Insiduously expanding. For me, im happy that this occurs this way. We will reach were we are comfortable, pausing along the way to reflect often on where we have come to, from and where we are going.

good luck in your marriage, i wish you love and happiness, oh i love weddings! so romantic

First, congratulations on a three year relationship. At one point in my early 20's I had somewhat similiar concerns so I will try to comment.

Start by remembering there are many different styles of dominance and you are not required to follow someone else's script. There is nothing to say that doms must be heavily sadistic or act a certain way.

Remember you don't always have to "be on" or acting out some character. You two have a whole lifetime to explore each other so there is no need to rush. Pacing yourself gets very important in long term relationships.

Most importantly, be sure to focus on doing things that please yourself. If she is more sure of her submission and you are still building up your dominance, then focusing on your pleasure in the short term will bring her more pleasure in the long term. You will be a better dom to her once you are confident and comfortable.

I'm going through something similar so I'll comment...

I've found it difficult to do some of the things that I've liked in the past since we decided to get married. Especially the humiliation aspect, which in the past we both really got off on.

Even the bondage angle has tapered off. While I think it has some to do with time crunches, I think it has some other things in there too.

With her before (even when i "cared" for her but didn't quite "love" her yet) it was just "play" and sex. Now, I do love her and SOME things are a bit different.

I personally don't think it's abnormal to feel differently about sex when you actually love someone.

NCShin said:

I'm going through something similar so I'll comment...

I've found it difficult to do some of the things that I've liked in the past since we decided to get married. Especially the humiliation aspect, which in the past we both really got off on.

Even the bondage angle has tapered off. While I think it has some to do with time crunches, I think it has some other things in there too.

With her before (even when i "cared" for her but didn't quite "love" her yet) it was just "play" and sex. Now, I do love her and SOME things are a bit different.

I personally don't think it's abnormal to feel differently about sex when you actually love someone.

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Good to see you here again...have missed you. I can see what you are meaning, but also it is worth taking a moment to look at how it was when you did those things. Are they things she enjoys as much as you do? Are they things which are part of the relationship and attraction more so than an add on for occasional moments of boredom? If they are part of your enjoyment of each other, your love, it is worth remembering that before tapering off something that means so much to you. Make sense? It is difficult at times though because we have a lifetime of conditioning to deal with which has told us this is not love....is a sort of reprogramming to fit your picture, not that of someone else.

Catalina

It seems like a logical progression to me. There's no rule that says a dom and sub with an unequal relationship can't enter into a marriage as equals in the eyes of the law. Whatever D/s decisions you make or contracts you write are between the two of you.

Personally, I think D/s works best within a loving relationship. If you're ready to make that a married relationship, it seems like a natural progression to me.