Abandonment and BDSM

Are there submissives who are excited by the fantasy of being (pretend) abandoned by their dominant? If so, would it be the mindfuck or the humiliation of being "thrown away"?

For the dominants, would your motivations for (pretend) abandoning your submissive be psychological/emotional sadism or would it be a form of punishment/training?

Any other thoughts or experiences with abandonment?

In the worst punishment for a sub thread being ignored was right at the top of the list of things subs dread. I am sure they would hate this abandonment thing.

i'd have to say any kind of abaondonment "play" would be a hard limit for me. i cant think of much that would hurt me like that, even if i KNEW that it was just play and wasnt real...so i cant really comprehend why any sub would want that kind of scene.

Im not sure if this counted by my ex liked to feel "used" she would like it if i got off in like under 5 mins and just walked out of the room and took a shower, and she would lay there like she was just used for sex....which essentially she was

i dont know if i understand what you mean perfectly though

Abandonment can play out in as many ways as there are stars in the skies.

I have been on both the giving end and receiving end. As a submissive, I was blindfolded and in the respect position. He left the room without a word and left me there. I could here the sounds of him doing something in the other room and I wondered if he was getting ready for the next part of our scene. My mind flew with thoughts and excitement. Then, part of me did feel used when he made a phone call and took a shower as though I weren't even there. It fit quite well into the mind fuck that had already occurred especially as I was being punished for a grievous breech of etiquette.

Then, there are times I will leave scooter bound and blindfolded in a room by himself for short periods of time. For me, this is to add to the excitement more than to punish or make him feel used. I am not sure if that constitutes "abondment", but we do enjoy it.

Hey Mr. Blonde,

If you mean permanent abandonment rather than playtime ignoring or "putting in storage," I don't think you're going to find many yay-sayers.

Too many people have serious scars due to past emotional rejection to want to even contemplate this. And, as Betticus pointed out, so many submissives have abandoment fears, that to them it is the worst possible horror, nothing erotic about it at all.

You may find a masochist or two who is low in submissiveness who might want to do this. You may also find some very sad people who feel as though they are so bad that they deserve all abuse and would accept such abandonment as their just due--even unconsciously seek out the types likely to abandon them.

But most heavily submissive people I know are strongly relational. I mean, relationships with other people are extremely important to them and they invest a lot of themselves into these relationships. I'm not sure about the men, but submissive women also have a strong tendency to blame themselves for the abandonment, and if there's nothing or no one to contradict that feeling (and even sometimes when there is), they can plunge into severe, incapacitating, and sometimes suicidal depressions. I've seen up close and personal all these things I'm generalizing about which is why it is hard for me to contemplate someone submissive wanting that sort of experience if it is permanent and outside a play construct.

On the other hand, Ugol's Law (a principle brought to us by the same people who came up with sie and hir so take it with a grain of salt ) says that anytime you say there couldn't possible be someone who is into (fill in the blank), someone will speak up and say, "Hey, I'm that person!"

Taint

Mr Blonde said:

Are there submissives who are excited by the fantasy of being (pretend) abandoned by their dominant? If so, would it be the mindfuck or the humiliation of being "thrown away"?...

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No, not this submissive. Not in any way.

If I know it's not real (as in your word 'pretend'), there can be no mindfuck.

Sorry for the advice, but ...

Mr Blonde said:

For the dominants, would your motivations for (pretend) abandoning your submissive be psychological/emotional sadism or would it be a form of punishment/training?

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Pretend abandonment, shelving perhaps, for short periods of time to take care of mundane matters reeks of psychological/emotional sadism. While heady, pun intended, the practice carries high risks, and they don't all have to be mental. As a means of punishment/training, i've used this. In the 'nilla world it can come across as passive aggressiveness. In this world, it can shatter, or strengthen. Again, the practice carries high risks.

In both worlds, nilla & here, and either condition, pretend & real:

• Read the warning label.
• Understand it.
• Choose wisely.

Eurgh. Not for me, thanks. Being left alone - even for a long period of time - is one thing, but being made to feel abandoned is another. To me, abandonment is when the relationship ends, and I would not want to feel that pain unless the relationship was ending (in which case such feelings would be appropriate).

Abandonment for me has lasted no more than an hour. I would leave my gf at home tied down to the bed while I went to the supermarket. She knew I would be gone for only a short time.

JoseIsWild said:

Abandonment for me has lasted no more than an hour. I would leave my gf at home tied down to the bed while I went to the supermarket. She knew I would be gone for only a short time.

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what if the house caught on fire when you were gone that "short time"?

what if someone broke into the house?

what if she suddenly became ill, suddenly really needed to use the bathroom, suddenly needed to vomit?

its not smart to leave a tied submissive alone ANYwhere for ANY length of time. bondage 101.

JoseIsWild said:

Abandonment for me has lasted no more than an hour. I would leave my gf at home tied down to the bed while I went to the supermarket. She knew I would be gone for only a short time.

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Read Stephen Kings book : Geralds Game Then think again.

AA said this is HIGH RISK, I am witth SSP on this one.

Its HIGHLY DANGEROUS and imho does not constitute safe or sane.

in the context of relationship, I could consider it a means for growth~ a means of attaining a level of trust in faith no matter how long the abandonment lasted but of course with my belief that no limits should exist and no boundaries should exist it can be incredibly dangerous to the submissive---

how long will this last? how long can the submissive hold out before she breaks?

and of course when there are no limits, no boundaries to the "relationship" ...and with the "relationship" that she wants not to be called a "relationship" because love is a choice
it becomes so convoluted and confusing that this issue is really a non=issue

is it abandonment or is it not?

then it becomes faith and trust in the other person.


it becomes a test of love and trust.





that is edge play to me.


and it all goes back to the original connection between the two people. was there a connection in the first place? was it real to begin with? what is the truth? what do you want to believe?
where do you place your bet? where do you place your trust?
I want to believe always. is it always right? how do you know?
by communication. by communicating. by asking though for boundaries, are you not setting boundaries where you believe there should be none?

*tears*

Great discussion.

questions from abandonment

what does it mean?
who decides?
who decides the truth?
will there be mutual respect?

even if there was mutual care & actual love in the connection at the beginning doesn't mean there will be mutual respect after this.

this may be the end.
it may not be play after all.
but this may not be the end.

what torment. and hell.

I actually have played, would play with this notion as mindfuck with certain people who I know can handle it. With others, no.

It really depends on the person, but a willingness to be told "I should give up your sorry ass for good" and know that I won't even thought it might seem like I might....

that's a serious leap of faith when the going gets good, and I like that.

Just be careful that your game doesn't get away from you and someone ends up turning the tables.

Potty-fucks --- being located, fucked and left with no more preliminaries, thought or afterthought than one pays to attending to one's bladder are hot.

I remember a heated discussion among some co-workers years ago about the boyfriend of one of the girls (she wasn't present during the discussion). It seems the boyfriend handcuffed her to the bed on a Sunday morning and proceeded to come in and fuck her intermittently throughout the day as he watched a football game and did household chores --- never spoke a word to her, didn't "make love" to her or get her off. Pretty much used her to dispense of his semen as he would use a toilet to dispense of his piss. So my co-workers were outraged and I thought it was one of the hottest things I'd ever heard.

If that qualifies as abandonment then within that context I could get off on it. But real abandonment? Real fear that you've been left for good? Found lacking and discarded? That's not play to me. I'm just not wired that way. If that bond of trust is broken --- and it could be broken in play --- I've never experienced a re-forging of that bond. It doesn't mean that person is out of my life forever, but it does mean that they don't get to come all the way in anymore.

-B

abandonment is one of my worst fears in my D/s relationship - it is something i am working very hard to overcome - i know that i would not be able to deal with such "play" - and my Master knows and understands my feelings on the subject and i can say without a doubt that he would never engage in abandonment as a mind fuck and he certainly knows that i would not get off on the humiliation of it - i've never really thought of it as a hard limit for me, but i guess it is

in my opinion, abandonment and using someone are two different things

double post

bridgeburner said:

Potty-fucks --- being located, fucked and left with no more preliminaries, thought or afterthought than one pays to attending to one's bladder are hot.

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I agree. I like the sound of that.

Myst said:

Just be careful that your game doesn't get away from you and someone ends up turning the tables.

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If they don't trust my intentions after knowing me well enough that I'd trust them to even broach this... well they aren't going to suit my needs.

I take a very long time, but when someone offers unequivocal trust to me, if it gets to that point, then that's what I require.

Netzach said:

If they don't trust my intentions after knowing me well enough that I'd trust them to even broach this... well they aren't going to suit my needs.

I take a very long time, but when someone offers unequivocal trust to me, if it gets to that point, then that's what I require.

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Netzi, you're my hero, but when you say "I require," do you put on a velvet glove, or lay a cold steel hand on flesh?

Re: Sorry for the advice, but ...

AngelicAssassin said:

Pretend abandonment, shelving perhaps, for short periods of time to take care of mundane matters reeks of psychological/emotional sadism. While heady, pun intended, the practice carries high risks, and they don't all have to be mental. As a means of punishment/training, i've used this. In the 'nilla world it can come across as passive aggressiveness. In this world, it can shatter, or strengthen. Again, the practice carries high risks.

In both worlds, nilla & here, and either condition, pretend & real:

• Read the warning label.
• Understand it.
• Choose wisely.

Click to expand...

Pretend abandonment is ahhhh ... phrase with no meaning. It's like some kind of game. Why would anyone want to do that? If you're going to be busy "for short periods of time to take care of mundane matters," then why not just say so?

I'm all for a good mindfuck... but I think this kind of thing is just goofy game playing. Good God, what happened to just being honest? "I'm going to be gone for a while. I have things to take care of." I can handle the truth, most of us can.

There's a big difference between this so-called "abandonment" and truely ignoring a sub. We're talking two different topics there.

But shelve me for a week - with no explaination as to the absence - and you're likely to come back and find me not there.

Re: Re: Sorry for the advice, but ...

A Desert Rose said:

....I'm all for a good mindfuck... but I think this kind of thing is just goofy game playing. Good God, what happened to just being honest? "I'm going to be gone for a while. I have things to take care of." I can handle the truth, most of us can...

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why is it that some doms dont understand that? i mean that most of us can handle the truth - sometimes i wonder if it is because of their own insecurities of not being needed enough - to me, being submissive does not indicate a lack of strength and/or common sense

in an experience with a former prospective dom, he was really taken aback that i could deal with an absence with explanation - said something like perhaps he had over-estimated his importance - which was not the reality - i think he under-estimated my strength

in my present relationship, i have had to deal with extensive absences and scenarios that just have not been able to become realities for a variety of reasons - and while it is not always easy, being owned by him is well worth it