Plasmacaster
The bearded one cometh
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2004
- Posts
- 3,255
I dont know who is this going to be to, if anyone. I dont know if I'll ever let anyone read this or maybe... Maybe I'll put it on the internet and let anyone who wants to read it, I dont know. I dont know a lot of things. Maybe I'll send it to my friend adrian. All that's important is that I write down what I'm feeling. They're thoughts taht I've had for a while now and some of it might be controversial, some of it might strike a chord with other people but like I say I dont know if 'll ever let anyone see this. I guess its also important that you know that this isn't fiction. I normally just write stories about wizards and dragons and such but I'll get to that later. This is me, Graham, my thoughts, typed on Friday the 8th of October 2004 at 9.52 am. Or at least that's when I started. I have no idea what time it will be when I finish. There I go, rambling on. I always do that but i'll get to that later too.
Right now, I just feel like I need to talk to someone close to me, but seeing as I'm on my own at the moment, I'll have to make do with my PC and my keyboard. To be honest, the thought of doing this just kind of struck me while I was in the bath a few minutes ago. I've just been feeling depressed since I've watched some anime recently. An Englishman's ability to understate it would appear. By a some anime I mean 75 hours of it. And by 'just been feeling depressed' I mean I'm lonely as hell.
I guess everyone in this world either tries to find meaning in what they can or buries their head in the sand and tries to forget about it. I'd like to think I went the other way. I think a lot. Probably too much if I've ended up writing out my feelings in this weird letter. Every night I spend at least half an hour trying to sleep and I always end up thinking about something to do it. I'm an insomniac, or at least that's what I think it is. I mean, I watched a program on TV a while ago that said that if it takes you at least 30 minutes to fall asleep then you are. I guess I fall into that catagory. I dont have it as bad as some people though. At least I can usually get a solid 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night in. Any longer is supposed to be bad for you anyway.
What am I talking about? I'm sorry, you'll have to forgive me if I start to drift. This is kind of a train of thought thing. I'll try and keep on topic for... Well, for whoever ends up reading this (if anyone). I suppose recent events would be the place to start, like I say I've been watching anime all week. Barely taking the time to do anything else, just being obsessed with it. Watching 75 hours of episodes back to back. I've spoken to my friends since then and i've confirmed what I suspected: happy endings in anime are hard to find. That's probably one reason why i'm so unhappy right now, but i've been feeling like this on and off for a while. My mum said that I might actually be clinically depressed, well, she suggested it when I told her about this in conversation. I hardly ever see her, but she's a nurse so I guess I can talk to her about a lot of things. Not everything, I dont think I could tell her about some of the things I might put in this letter.
In anime, especially this one that I've been watching lately, I My Me! Strawberry Eggs a perfect, ideal love can exist. Problem is that I feel that it can never happen in real life. The story is about a young girl who falls in love with her female teacher and her coming to terms with it, she looks deep inside of herself and decides that it really is love. And its protrayed as love, the feeling is shown as being mutual but also innocent. Neither teacher nor student has any real element of sexuality so instead of it being perverse its just deeply touching. There's more to it though, because its typically japanese the teacher is actually a man who cross dresses because the headmistress is sexist against men and wont hire them. The relationship between Awama (teacher) and Fuuko (student) is one that occurrs naturally because Awama is a loving and caring person. Their love is one that surpasses boundaries and only requires the belief of the individual to survive. Fuuko realises that the love she feels for her teacher is true and that as such, Awama being her teacher and also (apparently) a woman shouldn't matter because its true love. Even when she learns that Awama is a man, her feelings endure. The last scene is Fuuko desperately trying to get to Awama before he leaves town to tell him she loves him, but he is already on the train and although they see each other and Awami says that he will come back, the ending is left kind of open. The last picture you see is one of Fuuko leaping into Awama's arms, but its just a still picture and to be honest I need more closure than that. I just need to believe that tue love can exist out there otherwise there is no point in living.
I need to believe that Awama and Fuuko can live out their lives together because if I dont then I couldn't handle it. I'm crying while I write this. If true love cant exist in a fictional world then what about the real world? What chance do I have of finding the one true love if people can't even write a happy ending to the story?
I suppose this is a good point to mention suicide... Well I'm not sure there is ever a good moment to mentions suicide but here goes. I've thought about it in the past. I've been depressed at times that i've thought about it, but its never gone further. I dont think it ever will either. I dont think I'm the kind of person who could do that. I've always prided myself on being an indiviual and cutting my own path, not relying on others for anything but I couldn't ever kill myself because of everyone else. I couldn't let my family and friends go through that. If I was truly on my own then... Maybe, maybe I would do it. But no-one is ever truly alone. Or at least I dont think they are. But suicide is jsut a stupid way to end things, its like saying 'ok life, you win, I give up. I've given up all hope of ever finding happiness and now I want to end it.' That's not me. I think I will always have some spark of hope within me. Some hope for the future that may or may not happen.
I guess that's the opposite to how some people percieve me though. I have a great hope inside me, but its like its being covered with the harshness of reality. I always want to be hopeful, but I know that reality isn't really a place where hope can exist. Those ideals seem to be at odds with each other but they both seem to fit inside me well enough. The world that we live in, its not a nice place from what little I've experienced. Maybe I have high standards or something but I can't take that much pleasure in the little things. I can appreciate the beauty of a sunset, i've seen the way the hues blend into each other so perfectly that it looks like the sky is on fire. I've seen the rose bushes that grow around my house, the way they look so perfect when they bloom. Running stream, children laughing. Take your cliche and i've done it, but although its nice, each one is just a drop in the ocean.
I've said before that I think a lot, well I tend to think about the big things. The important questions. Or at least what I think are the important questions. Other people will probably not care and I guess they'd have every right to do so. I've tried to ask myself questions like 'what do I want from life' and 'what matters for me' as well as the ever popular 'what is the meaning of life'. I've come up with answers, but I dont think everyone will agree to them. I want from life only 2 things, love and happiness. I want the kind of love where you can tell the person you care about your deepest feelings and know that they wont hurt you, a love where it isn't based on just sex but on caring for each other. I want the kind of love where I would gladly give my life away if it would make them happy. That kind of love would give me my happiness. Money, power, fame, these dont matter to me. After all why should they? Money is a tool, one that is necessary for life but unpleasant. Power? Why do I need that? Power is just the ability to force your will upon others, why should that matter to anyone? Why would you care if other people were under your thumb? Fame? To be worshipped by fickle fans who will turn on you as soon as you dont meet their 1 dimensional expectations of you? All of this is just a way for you to limit yourself.
Life isn't about limitations, its about following your heart. I know, its very Disneyland but if you think about it, you'll know what I mean. After all, I've worked out my meaning of life. I say 'my' meaning because someone will probably try to dispute it. I dont care though, because its my meaning. I came to it by myself so I have only myself to argue about it with. Life is freedom, and freedom is choice. Ever second of every day, millions of choices occurr without you even knowing about it. You choose to read this, or choose to stop reading here. You choose not to jump in front of a bus or not to rund down the street screaming your head off. Most choices dont even get a second's worth of attention because the brain wouldn;t be able to do that with each choice. Its like walking through the British Library in the dark with a torch. You can only see what the torch rests on even though there are millions of items there. Our field of vision is too narrow to allow us to comprehend it all. I think its because we're human. The only creature that could comprehend all those choices and al that information would be a god. And for all I know, that's just a word someone made up to give people hope.
Choices are what make us. Our experiences are based on the choices that we made at the time. You may look back on your memories and see them with regret that you made a bad decision. But you still chose to do something. Your life, every minute of every day of your entire world is comprised of the experiences you have from the choices you make. Dont be fooled into thinking that you dont have a choice because no matter what happens, that is the only thing that you DO have. You choose to make decisions because the memories of choices show the best way of doing something. The life you lead, everything that you do is based on choice and experience. But there are things out there that want the power of domination over choices, and because we dont want the responsibility of making our own way in life, we let them make decisions for us. We choose to vote the party we want to because we hope that they will do what they promised, because they are trying the best they can to help us. But how can they? Governments make choices based on what is best for them, and if it also happens to be good for the country then thats good too. Religion is another example, humans live and so need rules to live, we give up our will so that someone can tell us to be nice to our parents, not to steal and not to murder. Just because these are things that many would consider to be good and right, its doesn't change the fact that you are allowing someone else to make decisions on your behalf. Society is probably the worst, because society is something that is embedded within us at an early age. We're told that you should desire praise from others, we're told that in order to live you need money, a car, a wife, 2.4 children. You need to be thin, beautiful, you need to do what the police tell you, you need to believe everything the government tells you, you need to buy things, you need to let yourself be forced into a catagory. But why should we? Society tells us that to be famous is desirable, why? Because they want us to kep buying things? So that we have something unnatainable to aspire to? I dont know. I'm just a human, I dont know anything beyond my experience.
I've watched films, I've read books, I've studied philosophers and scientists and authors throughtout my education. I've bought into all this up to a point but i've always tried to avoid becoming another drone in the corporate machine. But then again, why is that bad? If you're happy being that then there is nothing wrong with it. Each person lives their lives according to their own value structure. Some people might decide that their value structure is better than other peoples and that's where it gets messed up. Humans are a group of individuals, the rights of every single person is the most important thing in their universe. No human has the right to force their own beliefs onto another because it is their world. Their beliefs, their rights. If a person believes that working in an office, having a car, wife, 2.4 children, little white picket fence is what makes them happy then so be it. The eco-warrior who believes that cutting down trees, murder of animals, wearing of fur is wrong and sorting out the problems in life is what makes them hapy then so be it. If I believe that eating meat is good so be it. If a veagan claims its wrong then so be it. Live to your own code, don't let other people force you to live by theirs because they have no rights at all to do so. Even a murderer, a person who kills other people because it makes them happy has a valid perspective on life. I dont believe that its right to murder someone because to do so removes all freedom that person once had, but it doesn't change the fact that they should feel what they want to. Murder is wrong, but that's because I have a respect for life. Others dont, so they dont think its wrong. Who am I to judge? I'm just a human, I dont have all the answers.
But what does all this have to do with me? I guess i'm just trying to get you to see where i'm coming from. I believe that the only things that are worth anything in this world are the freedoms you have and the choices you make. Property, money, power, all this is unimportant. Sure, have a big car, lots of money, kids, picket fence, but dont lose sight of what is important, the luxaries make life easier to bear but dont start thinking that they are the reason to live. You are the reason to live. You should need nothing other than just to be. An individual has no need for anything other than to exist. But then, there is still something that the individual needs. The care and love of another individual. At least, that's what I believe.
I've been on this planet for 21 years. So far, i've had a relationship with a girl who had cancer and died, only to be told later that she was in fact alive and had claimed to have had cancer so that she could get sympathy and had 'died' so she could run off with a man. She set the whole thing up when she new I couldn't see her, so I had to take the word of others. Was I gullible? Yes, probably. But I think even the wisest of us never anticipate having our heart broken by the ones we love. I've tested my sexuality too. I guess that's a way for me to say I've slept with another man. Experimentation, curiosity, call it what you will. All I wanted was to know if it was right for me, and now I know that it isn't. But I didn't know that it wasn't for me until I tried it. After all, there's no reason that it should be right? Society tells me that homosexuality is undesirable but I had to find out for myself. It wasn't unpleasant though, in fact it was enjoyable. But in the end I couldn't be around him, I dont think I could ever form an emotional relationship with another man because that's not what I want from life. I want a family, a wife, children. I cant have both, so I made my choice. But does that mean i'm repressing a part of my personality by doing so? That's what I worry about. I ask myself if I could love a man, and I think I could, but if I were to do so, I couldn't get what I wanted from my life. I'm not against homosexuality, i've tried it and it was good, but I cant have both things that I want from my life. I want the perfect, ideal love that I have pictured in my head, I dont think there's any reason why I couldn't have that with a man except that I dont want to. But then I ask myself why di dont want to and I find that I acnt give myself a reasonable answer. I want to be a dad, but there's no reason why I couldn't have a child with another woman and still be in a relationship with a man. There's no reason why I can't have everything, picket fence included except that I dont want it to be so. But is that really enough of a reason to deny a possibility? I dont think so. I want it to be, but desire doesn't really play any part of this. My saying 'I want' I'm closing more doors than i'm opening and as such I might be missing out on the real love of my life. Whether it be male or female, the person that I love will be the person that I love. I just hope that they're a woman so that I can have the image that I have in my head.
But can love ever be perfect? I wouldn't have thought so. In a relationship there are always fights, there is bitterness, jealousy and resentment. But does that have to be the case? More people are getting divorced year after year because they can't cope with sharing themselves with another person. But can it work? I've spoken to a woman who is desperately unhappy after being married for so long. She never experienced life and so she looks for it on the internet. Is this an example of how true love cannot exist? How its just a figment of our imagination? Or is it just a tale of the wrong person? When I find someone I can open up to, I shall hold onto that person and never let go. The love that I feel would be too great for anything else. But then, they might not feel the same way, so I might have to hold something back, stop myself from overwhelming them with how I feel. If I were to do that, it wouldn't be love right? How can you hold back from giving everything to the person you care about most and still believe that its love? Love to me is allowing yourself to be shared with another, opening yourself up so that how you feel and how they feel merge into one. Its a sharing of spirits, of caring, of desires, hopes, dreams, love. Can it ever really happen? I hope so, that's one of the things that keeps me going, that the love that I can create within the stories that I write could actually happen. But then are there really any other people who feel like I do? And if there were, would they be right for me? Would I be right for them? I dont want to fall into the same trap as I have before, falling in love with the idea of falling in love. I dont want to be blinded in my search for love because i'm too picky, but nor do I want to end up with someone I dont love, just because I so desperately wanted to be loved. How can I do that when the only experiences I have are rejection and heartbreak? My ideal love wont be one where I am worshipped, or where I worship another, it is two people meeting and being on such an equal level that their thoughts and feelings compliment each other. It doesn't matter if the person I fall in love with is 16 or 60, whether they're male or female or whether they're experienced or not. All that matters is that I can connect with them and be with them without feeling like I have to be someone else.
Bcause that's what I do you know? I pretend to be someone i'm not, I lie continuously because I can get away with it and because people expect certain things of me. I'm 21, I should be hanging with my friends drinking beer, pulling women and working a steady job already. But I dont, because I'm not sure if thats what I want. I like to have a few drinks sure, I can drink plenty and still be all right, but going out and getting hammered isn't that appealing to me. I like my own company and I like being on my own most of the time. I enjoy being able to have the simple freedoms of being able to relax in front of anime or play a computer game because no-one expects anything of me. I can be myself when i'm on my own, but when i'm in a club or when i'm talking to someone I always end up trying to be someone else. I dont want to but its what I do and I wish I could stop. My best friends fiancé once said that she thought I was such a nice person when I was being myself. And I think she was right, but that doesn't change how people react to me. I've been fat all my life and I dont have a problem with it, but it seems that other people do. I was picked on, so I learned that in order to avoid being bullied I had to be the meanest bastard in the world. I've never got into a proper fight, I've always managed to avoid them because although I'm fat I look intimidating. Its nice to be able to have people at a distance but its isolating as well. I never felt that I could open up to people because if I did then I would end up being hurt. I still do to a degree but i've decided that any pain is worth it if I can fall in love.
But how can I do that? I'm not good approaching people, they seem to have a predisposition towards people like me. No matter how many times I get told 'sorry, but I hope we can be friends' it doesn't make the pain any easier. Women, dont do it, dont say those words because being rejected is like being knocked to the floor and being told you can be friends is like being kicked when you're down. To men, its not saying 'you're a nice person but i'm just not attracted to you' its saying 'you're not good enough for me'. Ever time I hear it I just want to cry but I dont. I stoically keep a calm face and politely decline.
Maybe that's why I love to write. When I write my stories I am in control, the people I want will always fall in love. The hero will always do as I wish and the heroine will not reject them. This is the ideal world that I create so that I can keep hoping that one day, one day I can fall in love myself.
But I still dont know if there is such a thing as true love. I'm seeing someone at the moment. We're in a long distance relationship so I never see her. I dont think I love her either. Maybe its because we're never together, maybe I realised that I'm just holding on to her because I dont want to be alone. I dont know, I dont know anything.
I want to be an individual. I want to be someone who can think for themselves and be who they want to be. I want to stand out from the crowd as someone who can be themselves in a world of uniformity. But I cant. Because no matter how hard I try, there will always be things that link me to someone else. I came up with the quote 'I'm individual, just like everyone else.' And I think it explins it. Looking at it, everyone is an individual, capable of feeling things similar to myself, looking different, sounding different, acting different, thinking different. But even so, we are still humans. And humans are all human. We are a race that has pre-determined universal truths. Hopefully you will have seen something you can identify with already in this letter and you will see it for yourselves.
All I can believe in is that 'I think therefore I am'. I have no experience of being someone else, I dont know for certain that other people are there. For all I know they are illusions made up by my mind and I'm the only thing in the universe to exist. I've been here all my life, but how can I be certain? How do I know my experiences are real and that my memory isn't lying to me? People lose things and are certain they in one place when in fact they aren't. But our mind is so sure that we are right that we believe it. Why couldn't that be true with our memories? Why couldn't someone else just as easily implant or remove memories? How do we know we dont have the technology for it? How do we know anything? I dont think we can. All we can do is feel. Feel and do what feels right. And what feels right to me is having a family, someone I can hold onto when i'm down, someone I can be with when i'm happy, someone I can pass on my knowledge to. Someone I can care about, someone... Someone who I can be with because they are who they are and they accept me for who I am, is it really that much to ask for?
-Graham
I think i've decided to send this to people I know. Maybe, maybe then they might know me better, or maybe I just need to have someone other than me read this. Whatever the case I think that I want more people to read this. I want lots of people to read it. Maybe it can help them, maybe it can help me. I dont know. But if you get this letter and you think you might want to send it to someone else, please do so. This is my soul I'm putting out there and I dont mind how many people see me as I am. I want people to see that maybe i'm someone who can be of help to them or they to me... I dont... I dont know what I want to get from this. I just know that I want people to read this. But dont feel like you have to send it. Its your choice, and i've stated my desires. Do what you want with it. Its up to you.
Right now, I just feel like I need to talk to someone close to me, but seeing as I'm on my own at the moment, I'll have to make do with my PC and my keyboard. To be honest, the thought of doing this just kind of struck me while I was in the bath a few minutes ago. I've just been feeling depressed since I've watched some anime recently. An Englishman's ability to understate it would appear. By a some anime I mean 75 hours of it. And by 'just been feeling depressed' I mean I'm lonely as hell.
I guess everyone in this world either tries to find meaning in what they can or buries their head in the sand and tries to forget about it. I'd like to think I went the other way. I think a lot. Probably too much if I've ended up writing out my feelings in this weird letter. Every night I spend at least half an hour trying to sleep and I always end up thinking about something to do it. I'm an insomniac, or at least that's what I think it is. I mean, I watched a program on TV a while ago that said that if it takes you at least 30 minutes to fall asleep then you are. I guess I fall into that catagory. I dont have it as bad as some people though. At least I can usually get a solid 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night in. Any longer is supposed to be bad for you anyway.
What am I talking about? I'm sorry, you'll have to forgive me if I start to drift. This is kind of a train of thought thing. I'll try and keep on topic for... Well, for whoever ends up reading this (if anyone). I suppose recent events would be the place to start, like I say I've been watching anime all week. Barely taking the time to do anything else, just being obsessed with it. Watching 75 hours of episodes back to back. I've spoken to my friends since then and i've confirmed what I suspected: happy endings in anime are hard to find. That's probably one reason why i'm so unhappy right now, but i've been feeling like this on and off for a while. My mum said that I might actually be clinically depressed, well, she suggested it when I told her about this in conversation. I hardly ever see her, but she's a nurse so I guess I can talk to her about a lot of things. Not everything, I dont think I could tell her about some of the things I might put in this letter.
In anime, especially this one that I've been watching lately, I My Me! Strawberry Eggs a perfect, ideal love can exist. Problem is that I feel that it can never happen in real life. The story is about a young girl who falls in love with her female teacher and her coming to terms with it, she looks deep inside of herself and decides that it really is love. And its protrayed as love, the feeling is shown as being mutual but also innocent. Neither teacher nor student has any real element of sexuality so instead of it being perverse its just deeply touching. There's more to it though, because its typically japanese the teacher is actually a man who cross dresses because the headmistress is sexist against men and wont hire them. The relationship between Awama (teacher) and Fuuko (student) is one that occurrs naturally because Awama is a loving and caring person. Their love is one that surpasses boundaries and only requires the belief of the individual to survive. Fuuko realises that the love she feels for her teacher is true and that as such, Awama being her teacher and also (apparently) a woman shouldn't matter because its true love. Even when she learns that Awama is a man, her feelings endure. The last scene is Fuuko desperately trying to get to Awama before he leaves town to tell him she loves him, but he is already on the train and although they see each other and Awami says that he will come back, the ending is left kind of open. The last picture you see is one of Fuuko leaping into Awama's arms, but its just a still picture and to be honest I need more closure than that. I just need to believe that tue love can exist out there otherwise there is no point in living.
I need to believe that Awama and Fuuko can live out their lives together because if I dont then I couldn't handle it. I'm crying while I write this. If true love cant exist in a fictional world then what about the real world? What chance do I have of finding the one true love if people can't even write a happy ending to the story?
I suppose this is a good point to mention suicide... Well I'm not sure there is ever a good moment to mentions suicide but here goes. I've thought about it in the past. I've been depressed at times that i've thought about it, but its never gone further. I dont think it ever will either. I dont think I'm the kind of person who could do that. I've always prided myself on being an indiviual and cutting my own path, not relying on others for anything but I couldn't ever kill myself because of everyone else. I couldn't let my family and friends go through that. If I was truly on my own then... Maybe, maybe I would do it. But no-one is ever truly alone. Or at least I dont think they are. But suicide is jsut a stupid way to end things, its like saying 'ok life, you win, I give up. I've given up all hope of ever finding happiness and now I want to end it.' That's not me. I think I will always have some spark of hope within me. Some hope for the future that may or may not happen.
I guess that's the opposite to how some people percieve me though. I have a great hope inside me, but its like its being covered with the harshness of reality. I always want to be hopeful, but I know that reality isn't really a place where hope can exist. Those ideals seem to be at odds with each other but they both seem to fit inside me well enough. The world that we live in, its not a nice place from what little I've experienced. Maybe I have high standards or something but I can't take that much pleasure in the little things. I can appreciate the beauty of a sunset, i've seen the way the hues blend into each other so perfectly that it looks like the sky is on fire. I've seen the rose bushes that grow around my house, the way they look so perfect when they bloom. Running stream, children laughing. Take your cliche and i've done it, but although its nice, each one is just a drop in the ocean.
I've said before that I think a lot, well I tend to think about the big things. The important questions. Or at least what I think are the important questions. Other people will probably not care and I guess they'd have every right to do so. I've tried to ask myself questions like 'what do I want from life' and 'what matters for me' as well as the ever popular 'what is the meaning of life'. I've come up with answers, but I dont think everyone will agree to them. I want from life only 2 things, love and happiness. I want the kind of love where you can tell the person you care about your deepest feelings and know that they wont hurt you, a love where it isn't based on just sex but on caring for each other. I want the kind of love where I would gladly give my life away if it would make them happy. That kind of love would give me my happiness. Money, power, fame, these dont matter to me. After all why should they? Money is a tool, one that is necessary for life but unpleasant. Power? Why do I need that? Power is just the ability to force your will upon others, why should that matter to anyone? Why would you care if other people were under your thumb? Fame? To be worshipped by fickle fans who will turn on you as soon as you dont meet their 1 dimensional expectations of you? All of this is just a way for you to limit yourself.
Life isn't about limitations, its about following your heart. I know, its very Disneyland but if you think about it, you'll know what I mean. After all, I've worked out my meaning of life. I say 'my' meaning because someone will probably try to dispute it. I dont care though, because its my meaning. I came to it by myself so I have only myself to argue about it with. Life is freedom, and freedom is choice. Ever second of every day, millions of choices occurr without you even knowing about it. You choose to read this, or choose to stop reading here. You choose not to jump in front of a bus or not to rund down the street screaming your head off. Most choices dont even get a second's worth of attention because the brain wouldn;t be able to do that with each choice. Its like walking through the British Library in the dark with a torch. You can only see what the torch rests on even though there are millions of items there. Our field of vision is too narrow to allow us to comprehend it all. I think its because we're human. The only creature that could comprehend all those choices and al that information would be a god. And for all I know, that's just a word someone made up to give people hope.
Choices are what make us. Our experiences are based on the choices that we made at the time. You may look back on your memories and see them with regret that you made a bad decision. But you still chose to do something. Your life, every minute of every day of your entire world is comprised of the experiences you have from the choices you make. Dont be fooled into thinking that you dont have a choice because no matter what happens, that is the only thing that you DO have. You choose to make decisions because the memories of choices show the best way of doing something. The life you lead, everything that you do is based on choice and experience. But there are things out there that want the power of domination over choices, and because we dont want the responsibility of making our own way in life, we let them make decisions for us. We choose to vote the party we want to because we hope that they will do what they promised, because they are trying the best they can to help us. But how can they? Governments make choices based on what is best for them, and if it also happens to be good for the country then thats good too. Religion is another example, humans live and so need rules to live, we give up our will so that someone can tell us to be nice to our parents, not to steal and not to murder. Just because these are things that many would consider to be good and right, its doesn't change the fact that you are allowing someone else to make decisions on your behalf. Society is probably the worst, because society is something that is embedded within us at an early age. We're told that you should desire praise from others, we're told that in order to live you need money, a car, a wife, 2.4 children. You need to be thin, beautiful, you need to do what the police tell you, you need to believe everything the government tells you, you need to buy things, you need to let yourself be forced into a catagory. But why should we? Society tells us that to be famous is desirable, why? Because they want us to kep buying things? So that we have something unnatainable to aspire to? I dont know. I'm just a human, I dont know anything beyond my experience.
I've watched films, I've read books, I've studied philosophers and scientists and authors throughtout my education. I've bought into all this up to a point but i've always tried to avoid becoming another drone in the corporate machine. But then again, why is that bad? If you're happy being that then there is nothing wrong with it. Each person lives their lives according to their own value structure. Some people might decide that their value structure is better than other peoples and that's where it gets messed up. Humans are a group of individuals, the rights of every single person is the most important thing in their universe. No human has the right to force their own beliefs onto another because it is their world. Their beliefs, their rights. If a person believes that working in an office, having a car, wife, 2.4 children, little white picket fence is what makes them happy then so be it. The eco-warrior who believes that cutting down trees, murder of animals, wearing of fur is wrong and sorting out the problems in life is what makes them hapy then so be it. If I believe that eating meat is good so be it. If a veagan claims its wrong then so be it. Live to your own code, don't let other people force you to live by theirs because they have no rights at all to do so. Even a murderer, a person who kills other people because it makes them happy has a valid perspective on life. I dont believe that its right to murder someone because to do so removes all freedom that person once had, but it doesn't change the fact that they should feel what they want to. Murder is wrong, but that's because I have a respect for life. Others dont, so they dont think its wrong. Who am I to judge? I'm just a human, I dont have all the answers.
But what does all this have to do with me? I guess i'm just trying to get you to see where i'm coming from. I believe that the only things that are worth anything in this world are the freedoms you have and the choices you make. Property, money, power, all this is unimportant. Sure, have a big car, lots of money, kids, picket fence, but dont lose sight of what is important, the luxaries make life easier to bear but dont start thinking that they are the reason to live. You are the reason to live. You should need nothing other than just to be. An individual has no need for anything other than to exist. But then, there is still something that the individual needs. The care and love of another individual. At least, that's what I believe.
I've been on this planet for 21 years. So far, i've had a relationship with a girl who had cancer and died, only to be told later that she was in fact alive and had claimed to have had cancer so that she could get sympathy and had 'died' so she could run off with a man. She set the whole thing up when she new I couldn't see her, so I had to take the word of others. Was I gullible? Yes, probably. But I think even the wisest of us never anticipate having our heart broken by the ones we love. I've tested my sexuality too. I guess that's a way for me to say I've slept with another man. Experimentation, curiosity, call it what you will. All I wanted was to know if it was right for me, and now I know that it isn't. But I didn't know that it wasn't for me until I tried it. After all, there's no reason that it should be right? Society tells me that homosexuality is undesirable but I had to find out for myself. It wasn't unpleasant though, in fact it was enjoyable. But in the end I couldn't be around him, I dont think I could ever form an emotional relationship with another man because that's not what I want from life. I want a family, a wife, children. I cant have both, so I made my choice. But does that mean i'm repressing a part of my personality by doing so? That's what I worry about. I ask myself if I could love a man, and I think I could, but if I were to do so, I couldn't get what I wanted from my life. I'm not against homosexuality, i've tried it and it was good, but I cant have both things that I want from my life. I want the perfect, ideal love that I have pictured in my head, I dont think there's any reason why I couldn't have that with a man except that I dont want to. But then I ask myself why di dont want to and I find that I acnt give myself a reasonable answer. I want to be a dad, but there's no reason why I couldn't have a child with another woman and still be in a relationship with a man. There's no reason why I can't have everything, picket fence included except that I dont want it to be so. But is that really enough of a reason to deny a possibility? I dont think so. I want it to be, but desire doesn't really play any part of this. My saying 'I want' I'm closing more doors than i'm opening and as such I might be missing out on the real love of my life. Whether it be male or female, the person that I love will be the person that I love. I just hope that they're a woman so that I can have the image that I have in my head.
But can love ever be perfect? I wouldn't have thought so. In a relationship there are always fights, there is bitterness, jealousy and resentment. But does that have to be the case? More people are getting divorced year after year because they can't cope with sharing themselves with another person. But can it work? I've spoken to a woman who is desperately unhappy after being married for so long. She never experienced life and so she looks for it on the internet. Is this an example of how true love cannot exist? How its just a figment of our imagination? Or is it just a tale of the wrong person? When I find someone I can open up to, I shall hold onto that person and never let go. The love that I feel would be too great for anything else. But then, they might not feel the same way, so I might have to hold something back, stop myself from overwhelming them with how I feel. If I were to do that, it wouldn't be love right? How can you hold back from giving everything to the person you care about most and still believe that its love? Love to me is allowing yourself to be shared with another, opening yourself up so that how you feel and how they feel merge into one. Its a sharing of spirits, of caring, of desires, hopes, dreams, love. Can it ever really happen? I hope so, that's one of the things that keeps me going, that the love that I can create within the stories that I write could actually happen. But then are there really any other people who feel like I do? And if there were, would they be right for me? Would I be right for them? I dont want to fall into the same trap as I have before, falling in love with the idea of falling in love. I dont want to be blinded in my search for love because i'm too picky, but nor do I want to end up with someone I dont love, just because I so desperately wanted to be loved. How can I do that when the only experiences I have are rejection and heartbreak? My ideal love wont be one where I am worshipped, or where I worship another, it is two people meeting and being on such an equal level that their thoughts and feelings compliment each other. It doesn't matter if the person I fall in love with is 16 or 60, whether they're male or female or whether they're experienced or not. All that matters is that I can connect with them and be with them without feeling like I have to be someone else.
Bcause that's what I do you know? I pretend to be someone i'm not, I lie continuously because I can get away with it and because people expect certain things of me. I'm 21, I should be hanging with my friends drinking beer, pulling women and working a steady job already. But I dont, because I'm not sure if thats what I want. I like to have a few drinks sure, I can drink plenty and still be all right, but going out and getting hammered isn't that appealing to me. I like my own company and I like being on my own most of the time. I enjoy being able to have the simple freedoms of being able to relax in front of anime or play a computer game because no-one expects anything of me. I can be myself when i'm on my own, but when i'm in a club or when i'm talking to someone I always end up trying to be someone else. I dont want to but its what I do and I wish I could stop. My best friends fiancé once said that she thought I was such a nice person when I was being myself. And I think she was right, but that doesn't change how people react to me. I've been fat all my life and I dont have a problem with it, but it seems that other people do. I was picked on, so I learned that in order to avoid being bullied I had to be the meanest bastard in the world. I've never got into a proper fight, I've always managed to avoid them because although I'm fat I look intimidating. Its nice to be able to have people at a distance but its isolating as well. I never felt that I could open up to people because if I did then I would end up being hurt. I still do to a degree but i've decided that any pain is worth it if I can fall in love.
But how can I do that? I'm not good approaching people, they seem to have a predisposition towards people like me. No matter how many times I get told 'sorry, but I hope we can be friends' it doesn't make the pain any easier. Women, dont do it, dont say those words because being rejected is like being knocked to the floor and being told you can be friends is like being kicked when you're down. To men, its not saying 'you're a nice person but i'm just not attracted to you' its saying 'you're not good enough for me'. Ever time I hear it I just want to cry but I dont. I stoically keep a calm face and politely decline.
Maybe that's why I love to write. When I write my stories I am in control, the people I want will always fall in love. The hero will always do as I wish and the heroine will not reject them. This is the ideal world that I create so that I can keep hoping that one day, one day I can fall in love myself.
But I still dont know if there is such a thing as true love. I'm seeing someone at the moment. We're in a long distance relationship so I never see her. I dont think I love her either. Maybe its because we're never together, maybe I realised that I'm just holding on to her because I dont want to be alone. I dont know, I dont know anything.
I want to be an individual. I want to be someone who can think for themselves and be who they want to be. I want to stand out from the crowd as someone who can be themselves in a world of uniformity. But I cant. Because no matter how hard I try, there will always be things that link me to someone else. I came up with the quote 'I'm individual, just like everyone else.' And I think it explins it. Looking at it, everyone is an individual, capable of feeling things similar to myself, looking different, sounding different, acting different, thinking different. But even so, we are still humans. And humans are all human. We are a race that has pre-determined universal truths. Hopefully you will have seen something you can identify with already in this letter and you will see it for yourselves.
All I can believe in is that 'I think therefore I am'. I have no experience of being someone else, I dont know for certain that other people are there. For all I know they are illusions made up by my mind and I'm the only thing in the universe to exist. I've been here all my life, but how can I be certain? How do I know my experiences are real and that my memory isn't lying to me? People lose things and are certain they in one place when in fact they aren't. But our mind is so sure that we are right that we believe it. Why couldn't that be true with our memories? Why couldn't someone else just as easily implant or remove memories? How do we know we dont have the technology for it? How do we know anything? I dont think we can. All we can do is feel. Feel and do what feels right. And what feels right to me is having a family, someone I can hold onto when i'm down, someone I can be with when i'm happy, someone I can pass on my knowledge to. Someone I can care about, someone... Someone who I can be with because they are who they are and they accept me for who I am, is it really that much to ask for?
-Graham
I think i've decided to send this to people I know. Maybe, maybe then they might know me better, or maybe I just need to have someone other than me read this. Whatever the case I think that I want more people to read this. I want lots of people to read it. Maybe it can help them, maybe it can help me. I dont know. But if you get this letter and you think you might want to send it to someone else, please do so. This is my soul I'm putting out there and I dont mind how many people see me as I am. I want people to see that maybe i'm someone who can be of help to them or they to me... I dont... I dont know what I want to get from this. I just know that I want people to read this. But dont feel like you have to send it. Its your choice, and i've stated my desires. Do what you want with it. Its up to you.
hugs 
