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rejection

Richard49

Richard49

The Gentleman Dom
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Posts
14,176
snowy's thread about ADHD and the feelings of rejection she experenced when she was kicked to the curb by someone who she was not even interested in lead me to wonder about how others feel and deal with rejection

God knows I have had more than my share ... ok who's to say what there share is .......

I know I have answered a lot of personals and not even got a reply ... or in a recent case I posted someone ...they assumed I was interested in them as a sub and replied that they had found someone ...but would like ot be freinds.... I wrote back and said great .. and askrf them about thier nlla hobbies and interests .....they deleted the post without reading it ...... and no where had I mentioned wanting to be thier Dom

So folks ... what have your experences been and how do you handle rejection
 
Well, I overreact. But that goes back to the adhd thing. One of the problems you get with this is you tend to react inappropriately.
 
One thing I am finding here on Lit is my ability to actually respond and post. So many issues that hit home and the mere typing out my answers seems to come easily here when it did not elsewhere. Must be from that little word seldomm said but often shown. Respect.
Now with my response. I would like to say I am Joe SuperStud and never have been rejected. But I am not, I am his ugly twin brother. It hurts, probably rejection is what has driven me in so many of my later conquests. vIt is probably the one thing in life besides failure (which I associate with rejection) that I truely fear. I have not searched much or answered many posts to find someone. So my rejection there is minimal if any. I did make a post seeking and the response is not bad in PM, I have met a couple of people I think will become friends. Some have sent me a PM, asked me a few questions, and never responded back. Even the few that did respond back and nicely and clearly stated why we would not be compatible it hurt. I decided, out of pure sport, to put a ratio on it. I will accept one good response for every one hundred bad ones. I can live with that ratio. I think.:) I figure that with the world population as it is, the number of people online, and the number on just Lit alone. I should get at least one good response out 99 rejections.
 
I try to ignore it. But when it hurts I don't really do anything. I'm a stuffer, which is probably why I got a stress related disorder! LOL At the worst I'll cry, but that's rare.
 
The only thing I know that works for me

My own self esteem. Knowing who I am, and liking myself for who I am.

I am sure I go through the same process as everyone else. When rejection comes, it is painful. I then search myself looking for a reason. Some times I can find one, other times I cannot explain why I was rejected.

I have tried conforming by trying to change myself so people would like me, but then I find that in most cases, I don't like myself. So I come full circle and end up back at, "I must learn to like who I am".

In my teenage years I turned to alcohol to deal with the rejection from my dad. I learned at a young age that drugs and alcohol were not the right way to deal with rejection, only made things worst.

The thing I hate the most about rejection is the isolation it brings and being alone.

So easier said than done, but what I try to do when I am rejected, is understand I cannot control what others think or want. I can only put myself out there for who and what I am, and hope that those out there will accept me.

Don't know if I really provided anything in the way of help, just sharing actually.
 
I stumbled on this thread, but it hits close to home...I have been ignored/rejected for seemingly no reason, and I do get that pang of "what did I do wrong?". However, for me, it all boils down to the fact that if they don't have the decency to discontinue further communication in a courteous way (e.g. writing "I don't think we should talk because I don't feel we have much in common") and/or the need to get to know who I really am, I don't want to have any kind of relationship with them in the first place. Whether in a casual conversation, friendship, or more, I always make a point of responding to people who have taken the time to contact me, and I figure anyone who doesn't share the same basic value is someone I don't want anything to do with.

A fascinating and revealing topic, Richard!
 
I think being rejected is kind of built into the human condition. I know that rejections in my later teens and early twenties really got to me badly, made me very miserable when I wanted to be with men who were not interested in me.

I remember literally crying in my beer one night in my dorm room over this hunky soccer player, and then thinking "wtf?"

It's other people's right to not be interested. To decide I'm too young or too fat or too pushy or my nose or ass are too big or I'm a fucking bitch.

I realized that moving along quickly to other things helped, and I realized that the only person responsible for me being happy was me, and I just kind of decided to be happy instead of miserable.

I think it was the single most important realization I've had, sexually - that giving someone else power over my happiness who didn't even *care* was just not going to work.
 
Have to agree with Netzach. The reality is, for most of us rejection is an issue in our youth, but as you grow and begin to mature, experience the world, you realise that it just is not possible to please all the people all the time, just as you find they don't please you all the time. The best option seemsto be yourself, be happy with your own company and self, and be open to communicating with others without expecting an obligatory acceptance in return.

Most times the rejections are not based on anything more than you are just not the sort of person the rejector clicks with at that place in time, be it because of lack of similar interests or something else. It doesn't necessarily mean there need be anything wrong with you, even in their eyes, just not someone they are going to spend a lot of time with. Most of us lead busy lives and often find even those people we would love to spend significant amounts of time with are just not possible for a multitude of reasons....it needn't be personal. Diversity is wonderful, but also means we have to realise we are not going to be on the top of everyone's best friend list, just as they are not ours.

Catalina :rose:
 
I have to agree with Netzach and catalina. The more comfortable one is in one's own skin, the less painful rejection is.

If I'm rejected I have to think it's one of two things...
a. That person hasn't taken the time to really know me
or
b. That person isn't smart enough to know what he's walked away from.

But I have to say, I've not been really rejected in a long time because I don't put myself in a position for that to happen. Most people don't reject the opportunity of a friendship and that is where I devote my time.

Looking for love and romance is where the true painful rejection comes from and I've stopped looking for that.

If it's meant to happen for me... love will find me... again.
 
rase

my mind is not much any more
I think I am down to two brain cells
and one of them is on break most of the time
but were you not left waiting at an airport recently?
 
For snowy...her situation was that she thought she was just corresponding with somone and found them rejecting her... she had no idea/nor desire

For me ..... I feel the rejection through peoples bad manners and with "she" .... it was life and now I have no idea what is happening ...........

oh well .......

I want today over with
 
Richard49 said:
rase

my mind is not much any more
I think I am down to two brain cells
and one of them is on break most of the time
but were you not left waiting at an airport recently?
Click to expand...

Yes, Richard I was. And I turned that around to fit FOR me.

I told him to take a walk... again and again 'til he got the picture. No more answered phone calls, no more returned e-mails and no more does he exist on my computer to contact me.

In the end, I rejected him and all his attempts.
 
A Desert Rose said:
Yes, Richard I was. And I turned that around to fit FOR me.

I told him to take a walk... again and again 'til he got the picture. No more answered phone calls, no more returned e-mails and no more does he exist on my computer to contact me.

In the end, I rejected him and all his attempts.
Click to expand...

that mean side of me
(ya I got one and it has been kicking my ass lately)
hopes he felt the pain

that other side of me feels for both of you

Nothing can be crueler
that mans inhumity to man
 
another observation

when I was working a CoDa program
"we" observed that those of us
that felt rejection th hardest
picked occupations that gave us the most rejection
things like sales

and worked the hardest to find people in/for our lives
 
Richard49 said:
that mean side of me
(ya I got one and it has been kicking my ass lately)
hopes he felt the pain

that other side of me feels for both of you

Nothing can be crueler
that mans inhumity to man
Click to expand...

The airport incident that I posted about actually happened a few months before I posted it. I happened to be feeling particularly angry at him the night I posted about it.

Without divulging too much personal information that no one is really interested in anyway, this was just another of many incidents with him over the course of several years.

There comes a point where some one has to stop the ride. He was never going to do it, so I did it. And if he had loved me, your feelings would be well placed. As it is, he didn't and doesn't... so all that is really injured is his ego and pride... nothing more.
 
Rejections of any kind always send me into a frenzy of reflection. After some time and distance, I see that things usually have a way of working out for the best in the end. It certainly never feels that way at the time of the rejection, but when I look back at past rejections, I realize the truth in it. So these days when faced with a rejection, I keep reminding myself, over and over and over, that things do work out for the best and that one day I will see the current rejection in that light too.
 
I sometimes think I "set" myself up for rejection in a offbeat atempt to belittle myself. The mere thought of that makes me realize the power of self destruction we all tend to have at one time or another. But I think that without some rejection in our lives we would not strive for that perfection we all need. The perfect love, life, or even work. Without dark we do not understand the beauty of light. The rejection we have all felt has only made us realize what we needed more , what we where looking for, and what to go for. With every rejection I have learned. The pain is there, the want to understand why even, and the determination to say " your loss, my gain", over and over again.:)
 
Netzach said:
... the single most important realization I've had, sexually - that giving someone else power over my happiness who didn't even *care* was just not going to work.
Click to expand...
Omit the "sexually," and i'm with you.

A Desert Rose said:
... so all that is really injured is his ego and pride... nothing more.
Click to expand...
and ultimately, not worth your time, nor thought.
 
What about being on the other end of rejection...being the one to hand rejection to another person...how does that fit in with who you are...perhaps with how you have dealt with rejection of your own in the past?

For me, rejecting someone can be just as hard as receiving it. I find I try to lessen the blow somehow...to frame it just right so perhaps it is less hurtful to them. I wonder if I do this because I care, or because I have had enough painful rejections in my life that I don't wish that hurt upon anyone else..

but then...there are those times...you know the ones...when you WANT to hurt someone, and you dont give a fuck whether they hurt or not...is it easier to do then?

I always struggle with it...always...

anyone else?
 
InnerDarkness said:
perhaps with how you have dealt with rejection of your own in the past?
Click to expand...
Newp. Honesty up front beats dragging your feet. Better to do the "Sorry, it won't work," before the snowball rolls downhill.
InnerDarkness said:
but then...there are those times...you know the ones...when you WANT to hurt someone, and you dont give a fuck whether they hurt or not...is it easier to do then?
Click to expand...
No, because "someone" has nothing to do with why you don't give a fuck. If anything, that snaps me back into "i'm a human being, not a sociopath." Most folks get a major case of the guilties after lashing out, so why bother going down that road?
 
hmmm rejection for me is a weird thing. i dont offer much of me to people i dont know and im extremely cautious. If i feel i can trust someone a little i open me more, if im rejected i get angry at myself for showing more. If im rejected by a person who i thought might be someone i would like to know i usually try to fix things and think over and over if there was something that i did that made the person reject me. I do go through feelings of "no self worth" if the person is/was someone i was attracted to, but i know once i feel all the things that look so silly while im typing them right now, im ok and i move on. Allowing yourself to feel the different emotions connected to rejection makes it easier to get over...at least for me.
 
AngelicAssassin said:
Omit the "sexually," and i'm with you.

and ultimately, not worth your time, nor thought.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I guess it was pretty deep, seemed to be about horniness mainly at the time, though, trust me.
 
Richard49 said:
For snowy...her situation was that she thought she was just corresponding with somone and found them rejecting her... she had no idea/nor desire

Click to expand...

Right. I told her flat out I wasn't Dom/me shopping. We talked about life the universe and everything. She decided that she didn't want me. That's okay. As I said, I was not looking and I was too clueless to read between the lines and see she wasn't listening to me.

THe thing that kind of freaked me out was the tailspin I went into. It was like "Okay, someone I'm not romatically interested doesn't want me, what in Hell am I gonna do when I actually have an emotional investment in this and they don't want me?" ANd as I mentioned in my thread, i was furious that she hadn't been listening to me, and mad at myself for being that dense.

Again, letting someone else determine my self worth is a bad thing, but that's not a lot of comfort in the dark hours after midnight when you're questioning everything about yourself and your life.. Usually, things work out okay, but sometimes I worry.
 
Rejection sucks...

but I've gotten used to it. It's interesting that someone else mentioned that they put themselves into a line of work where they would experience rejection frequently.

I worked in sales for a while myself and for me it was a good experience because it helped me realize that the rejection wasn't really about ME. It was about the person who was rejecting me.

Since then I've been able to put myself out there in ways I hadn't before because I knew that I could handle being rejected.

I still have issues with it...issues that I recognize and I'm working on. It can be absurdly easy to hurt my feelings, so I work hard on recognizing that when someone who I care for snaps at me or is having a bad day that it's not necessarily a reflection on me.
 
snowy ciara said:

Again, letting someone else determine my self worth is a bad thing, but that's not a lot of comfort in the dark hours after midnight when you're questioning everything about yourself and your life.. Usually, things work out okay, but sometimes I worry.
Click to expand...

oh I can relate to this

oh ya

also ... as I posted about me
people assume I am after something
that I am not or at lest not sure

people not returning my correspondence

etc.

I guess my self esteem has really taken a beating
 
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