Questions about submission outside the bedroom

I'm exploring the submissive lifestyle, including joining a Yahoo group whose origins are in my neighborhood. DH and I will attend our first munch next month. I've been asking loads of questions and now I have more.

Do submissives receive demands/commands/orders/whatever-you-call-it to do things for his or her Dom/me outside of the bedroom? For instance, let's say the sub is told s/he will have dinner ready for Him/Her at a certain hour each day. Or let's say S/He says s/he has to have the bed made with the bedspread turned down a certain way on a certain day. Or maybe S/He tells him/her to wear particular clothing when going out shopping on the weekend or to a work-related event. Whatever.

I know it sounds goofy, but I was thinking how the control can reach beyond the sexual/scene aspect and into everyday life. Do any of you experience this? If you do, can you expand on the role this plays in your D/s relationship?

Luvinit

I am very new to this lifestyle, so my answer is based on limited experience.

The short answer is Yes He does make demands outside the bedroom.

Particularly in relation to what i wear. Also insisting i grow my hair which up until i met Him was finger-width in length. This has been a particularly difficult demand to comply with.

My Master and i see each other a couple of times a week so His demands continually remind me who i am and where i am in life. Even though we cannot yet be together 24/7.

I would not be happy with a 'bedroom only' relationship nor with someone who micro-managed every aspect of my life.
The two areas that I continue to have control over are my work and my sons.
Everything else is with His permission or His demands. In or out of the bedroom.

When i was in an on-line relationship there were similiar demands as we never actually made it to the bedroom in r/l

Hope this helps.
I imagine that people who live the life 24/7 would be able to give you a more complete answer.

shy slave

Hi Luvinit!

It varies from couple to couple. There are some individuals who only practice BDSM in the bedroom, and there are some whose entire lives are centered around it. You might hear the terms "lifestyler," "24/7," and "TPE" (total power exchange) used to describe that type of relationship. In fact I believe the BDSM Talk library includes a whole section about TPE.

BDSM is far from a one size fits all life. You have to explore and communicate and grow with each other. Be realistic and honest and sincere and see where the path leads.

D/s definately crosses over into our every day lives and beyond the bedroom. But not nearly to the extent as it does for others. I'd say we fall somewhere roughly in the middle. But no matter how much it shows in daily activity, there is no question that she is on charge and can impose that power at any time.

Explore.

Hey Limbhugger, am I correct in thinking that this refers to you?

Etoile said:

Hey Limbhugger, am I correct in thinking that this refers to you?

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Mostly a symbolic gesture on her part. Very perceptive Etoile.

Okay. He and I have a 24/7 relationship, and while we're much more laid back and vanilla than most, we do have rules, guidelines, etc, that we follow. Well, He has the rules. I follow them.

For example: I make the bed every morning. I am the last one out of it, and it must be made when He gets home after work. When He comes home for lunch, I am to have it ready for Him, and waiting His arrival. I must always have His favourite drinks ready and available (non-alcoholic, as we barely drink).

When I shop, He always comes with me, and He has ideas of what look good on me. I don't even take something off the rack, if He looks disapprovingly at it. He doesn't enjoy sequins or wild patterns, which I enjoy, but I trust His taste.

I anticipate His needs. Rent Gosford Park. Watch the last 5 minutes, when Mrs Park talks about being the best servant. She says that she is the best because she anticipates the needs of everyone in the house. She knows what they want and when they want it before it even crosses their minds that they want it. She just.. anticipates.

I do this. I know Him. I know His desires, His needs. I shop for Him (toiletries, etc), when He needs those things, and I take care of His hygeine, by buying products suited to Him. (He has curly hair, so I buy curl-defining shampoo for Him, and something else for me. I buy certain deoderants that work for Him, etc). I have a glass of juice or pop or water waiting when He gets home. I am always to greet Him at the door. I am always to be dressed.

I am never allowed to greet Him naked. He feels that it means I've had an uneventful, lazy day. Greeting Him in lingerie is alright, but He has to be aware of something I've accomplished that day.

Things like that. There are many more examples, but I hardly realize I'm doing them anymore, to be able to recognize they are out of the ordinary. *shrug* I just anticipate, and I serve. And He appreciates it, and repays me with kindness and love and ... He is just wonderful.

We are devoted to each other.

My Dom and I pretty much keep our Dom/sub relationship within the confines of our sex life. At times, he will call me with requests, but they are always within the context of something that has been/will be done in the bedroom (or the living room... or the car... or that nice park near His house... but I digress), sexually.

Interestingly, I can at times be an unholy terror of a bitch (in a good way, of course) outside of the bedroom. That is one reason why I'm staying away from the "general" board here on lit... all the social/political debate might ruin my good submissive reputation.

So, basically, yeah, it's not a one-size-fits-all thing. My Dom says that he only feels comfortable practicing the lifestyle with subs who are otherwise (in their "outside" lives and in other aspects of the relationship) confident and fairly assertive. Others prefer to be more fully "immersed" in the culture. Whatever floats your boat, waxes your surfboard, clicks your mouse...

vixenshe, that was lovely. I know it's just your way of life to you, but to me it sounded beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

I think you'll find that every 24/7 relationship is different. Micromanagement really gets some folks off, and really chafes at others. Our relationship tends to be one of rather loose control, but control nonetheless.

I consider myself a service submissive, and act accordingly. Everything I do, I consider service to my dominant. I keep the house in order, do laundry, etc. I polish his boots (a rather nice meditative act, by the way). I manage our finances. He does all the cooking, and I assist with that. Of course, my service does extend into the bedroom *grin*.

We find that keeping a healthy sense of humor is also important. Never take yourself, and the whole "lifestyle" thing too seriously. Remember that you're in a relationship, too--and THAT takes work, care and feeding. IMHO, if you put the "trappings" of BDSM ahead of the nuts and guts of your relationship, or can't figure out how to adequately mesh D/s with your relationship, you're sunk.

We tend to stay away from high protocol, because it makes us laugh our asses off , but that's just us! We do, however, use a greeting ritual when I arrive home from work, because we found that I need something to get me out of "alpha bitch" mode, and back into submissive headspace....ritual is just the thing. Somehow, when you're on your knees, your head twisted around, hair yanked down and saying "welcome home, slut", I find it rather hard to feel alpha anything. LOL.

Does he tell me what to wear? ummm...not really. He has good taste, but I buy my own clothes, and ultimately the choice is mine. Does he demand my hair be cut at 10.8 inches below my neck? Nah. I like it long. He just doesn't want to micromanagement my life that much. Too much work. Hehe.

Bottom line? Start living your life 24/7, develop what works for your by actually DOING it, and working out the kinks over time, trying out this and that, throwing out what doesn't work, keeping what does. There is no 24/7 rule book. Just do what works for you and your Dom. Good luck

~anelize

Etoile said:

vixenshe, that was lovely. I know it's just your way of life to you, but to me it sounded beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

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*blush* Thank you...

Ours is mainly in the bedroom, but because Master suffers chronic ill health it does cross over into everyday life. For instance, He is diabetic, so when I wake in the morning I get up and make us a cuppa (tea for Him, coffee for me) and bring His needle and insulin as well. Sometimes He will ask me to draw it up, but most times He does that Himself.

I get His medications ready, make His meals, take care of the house......sometimes He has hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episodes and I'm there to feed Him jellybeans or coke or even get the ambulance if it's gone too far. He is also on home dialysis so he's taught me how to get His machine ready if needed.

I also find myself kneeling at His feet sometimes.....it just seems the perfect place to be!

I agree with the others that every relationship is different. Me? I'm too much of an alpha to be able to stand someone deciding everything for me. But, I do like to do things to make the man (be he a Dom or not) that I'm with happy, little things. If he likes a certain color on me and makes that known, then I'll habitually wear that color more often.

AnelizeDarkEyes said:

I think you'll find that every 24/7 relationship is different. Micromanagement really gets some folks off, and really chafes at others. Our relationship tends to be one of rather loose control, but control nonetheless.

I consider myself a service submissive, and act accordingly. Everything I do, I consider service to my dominant. I keep the house in order, do laundry, etc. I polish his boots (a rather nice meditative act, by the way). I manage our finances. He does all the cooking, and I assist with that. Of course, my service does extend into the bedroom *grin*.

We find that keeping a healthy sense of humor is also important. Never take yourself, and the whole "lifestyle" thing too seriously. Remember that you're in a relationship, too--and THAT takes work, care and feeding. IMHO, if you put the "trappings" of BDSM ahead of the nuts and guts of your relationship, or can't figure out how to adequately mesh D/s with your relationship, you're sunk.

We tend to stay away from high protocol, because it makes us laugh our asses off , but that's just us! We do, however, use a greeting ritual when I arrive home from work, because we found that I need something to get me out of "alpha bitch" mode, and back into submissive headspace....ritual is just the thing. Somehow, when you're on your knees, your head twisted around, hair yanked down and saying "welcome home, slut", I find it rather hard to feel alpha anything. LOL.

Does he tell me what to wear? ummm...not really. He has good taste, but I buy my own clothes, and ultimately the choice is mine. Does he demand my hair be cut at 10.8 inches below my neck? Nah. I like it long. He just doesn't want to micromanagement my life that much. Too much work. Hehe.

Bottom line? Start living your life 24/7, develop what works for your by actually DOING it, and working out the kinks over time, trying out this and that, throwing out what doesn't work, keeping what does. There is no 24/7 rule book. Just do what works for you and your Dom. Good luck

~anelize

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Very good advice, I believe. TY for your perspective.

cb_63 said:

Very good advice, I believe. TY for your perspective.

Click to expand...

Hey cb and luvinit,

Anelize always gives the best of advice. Search for her posts and you'll be enlightened through the eyes of a knowledgable, caring, experienced, and honest submissive woman.

LH

Yes for many of us the BDSM is as much outside of the bedroom as inside. For My slave and I the lifestyle would be too small if it only covered sexuality. It would feel like half a loaf although many of our good D/s friends have a wonderful and fulfilling BDSM lifestyle completely inside of the bedroom and nowhere else.

Neither style is better than the other. It is such a diverse arena that no one should try to fit the mold of another. you will discover what it is you crave and what bounderies work in your relationship with the ultimate goal being that both of you are on the same page at the end of the day.

Some people are very formal and some are informal. One approach is not better than the other, just diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks!

I am not the micromanagement-style dom. I wouldn't care what hour dinner is served or how the bedsheets are folded. I usually explain what is important to me and try to give some guidance in how my girlfriend/subbie can help me and help our relationship. I don't need a maid or someone to do chores; I just need a partner who reciprcates the energy that I am putting into her.

There are many forms of non-sexual service that extend out of the bedroom. Wearing symbolic jewelry. Reading suggested books. Working on her ongoing goals for self-improvement. A whole bunch of stuff.

All of us could type thousands of words describing our lives but you should focus on what is best for YOUR relationship.

Different strokes

for different folks.
I find that a 24/7 would be difficult for me let alone a sub. She has a good life, good husband and I believe that a 24/7 would hurt both our lives.
In the past I have found subs to be extremely intelligent, witty and at times smart asses. But in a 24/7 relationship long distance or anything else that doesn't become the case. I want both and I get it when it isn't 24/7
But can anyone tell me, a simple Master, why I like the smartasses??

Our 24/7 is a little bit of many of the others' replies. I like to make Him happy, so do things like scratch his back as He falls asleep at night, bring up the coffee and newspaper first thing in the morning, etc. Many of the other things I do, are things I have always done because I have quite a few kids- I clean the house, I cook the meals, I manage the finances, etc. etc. I have always been a "service sub" to the kids and now I have added Him, lol!!!

We are not ritualistic too much at home, though in the privacy of the bedroom there are many times when I love to kneel at his side, head in lap, while we watch a movie. We really look forward to our invitations to private bdsm-themed parties, etc. where we can do much more protocol and really enjoy it- it gives him a rush of power and puts me into such a wonderful headspace to be led on a leash, kneel at his side, stand a step behind him and to his right, keep eyes lowered with other Dominants, etc. etc. etc.

So as so many others have already said, it's such fun to be able to see how your own relationship develops and what makes your life special.

-justina

Re: Different strokes

fallon2 said:

for different folks.

But can anyone tell me, a simple Master, why I like the smartasses??

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Because you're easily bored and like the challenge?

Or you're a little bit switchy?

Or because we're Hot?

For me it's not something I am interested in 24/7.

It is "almost" there though, at anytime should I choose to impose my will it will be followed - without exception. However the thought of controlling my wife to the extent that others do does not excite me, I am not diminishing the lifestyles of others at all, to each his/her own, but for me it would not work.

My wife is probably the strongest person I have ever met, she is a confident sexy and successful woman whom is also extremely beautiful. Her submission to me, totally and utterly is thus much the sweeter, but I also enjoy the other side of her, watching her take control of an issue or event and prove her capabilities.....I have no desire to delete that part of her.

There is no doubt at all in my mind, (the waters have been tested to some extent), that I could aim her at any man woman or deed and she will perform exactly as commanded, that is exciting, but a significant part of the excitement is that she is and can only be this way with me, she is not submissive by nature.

From her pov, she is by far at her most excited when serving, or when being bound and "played" with.......We had one session, the pictures were posted here for a while where her juices were literally running, a constant stream of lust inspired leakage that lasted for some minutes, simply because I switched the crop from her perfect arse to lightly whipping at her clit, the fact that I was "whipping" her clit took her totally over the edge.

Her favourite fantasy is be forced to service a group of men and women, entirely at my direction, one day it will come true for her, but on the day I choose, not her.

She picks my aftershave, but defers if I don't like her choice, she cooks and cleans, I do little to assist, although that is mostly due to work commitments.


This has been a far longer answer than I intended, and with a lot more rambling than usual........ Hope you didn't fall asleep

In short, out of the bedroom we are a partnership, but one in which I am far "more equal" than her, there can only ever be one skipper on a boat, and on the boat that is our marriage that is me. Her feelings opinions and wishes are always considered, and wherever humanly possible, met. But the calls are virtually always made by me.

Luvinit said:

I know it sounds goofy, but I was thinking how the control can reach beyond the sexual/scene aspect and into everyday life. Do any of you experience this? If you do, can you expand on the role this plays in your D/s relationship?

Click to expand...

My last relationship (with my grrl and boi) went far beyond bedroom D/s because we never took it TO the bedroom. (They were married to one another). Together, we made the decisions concerning their physical appearance and I made most of the decisions concerning their finances and home life (including their actual sexual outlet times..)

In some ways, it was almost a 24/7 thing as we were always constantly in contact with one another and I was within their home 4 days out of 7.

For me BDSM really has no bearing on my sexual appetite. Therefore, only submissives who need my kind of Dominance ever stick around for long, which is fine with me.

Luna

As has been said by others, tailoring D/s so that it infuses your life is really down to you and the Dominant. There are no formula's other than what are set out by those involved in the relationship.

If/when you decide to engage in a D/s relationship, the way you choose (with Your Dominant) to have D/s outside the bedroom will be up to you and not necessarily dependant on a set rule book.

Sometimes, rituals can help express D/s outside the bedroom. See some of the following examples of small rituals that can be used to maintain a D/s mindset without the involvement of sex/sceneing (this list is from a set of rituals one slave had with her Master):

Every Day (and Mornings)

Start computer and pull up e-mail.

Serve Master breakfast.

Prepare Master's lunch.

Prepare Master's toothbrush, set out his daily vitamin and medication.

Scrub Master in shower.

Towel Master off.

Apply deodorant to Him.

Make sure His clothes for the day are set out for Him.

Locate and arrange Master's phone, wallet, keys, watch, clothing for the day, and any other material He may need.

Load Master's lunch and water jug into truck.

Open and close gates. (shani* may request to be excused from doing this if the the weather outside is too cold).

Do filing.

Laundry as necessary.

Make bed.

Pick up and put away all items left out. House must be clean at all times.

Write down daily thoughts in journal.

Evening

Open and close gates.

Present to Master, home collar for Him to fasten around neck.

Prepare and serve Master's supper.

Make sure Master's cup is filled at all times with water.

Relate the day's business and occurrences sitting at Master's feet.

Pull covers down, set alarm, prepare bed for Master.

Master will remove home collar right before He goes to bed.

Kneel on Master's side of the bed and thank Him for being her Master and Dominant.

Once A Week

Clip Master's nails and facial hairs.

Wash and change bedsheets.

Remind Master about the lawn.

Make sure all floggers are shaken and smoothed out whether they need it or not.

Once A Month

Wash all baseboards/doors/windowsills.

Wash all windows,

Wash both dogs.

Make sure all dildoes and butt plugs are washed and cleaned whether they need it or not.

Straighten out toy box.

Pick one off weekend and suggest destinations. It will be one of the slaves rewards if she does well.

_________________________

Just some examples of how the D/s can extend into everyday things.

lara

Thanks for sharing that list, s'lara. It's a nice read.

I get an incredible thrill whenever My Divine Mistress orders me around in public. Once we were checking into a hotel, I was waiting at her heel, holding her luggage. A second clerk came up to the desk and asked if she could help me. My Mistress said, "No, he belongs to me." The desk clerk blushed. Once she was checked in, she said, "Come along, Mutt."
I answered, "Yes, Mistress."
As we headed to the elevator, I heard the pretty clerk say to the other, "Oh my God, did you hear that?"
I felt so proud to be my Mistress' slave.