how to de-stress?

ok, here's the thing.

everyone who knows me in r/l has been saying that i seem to be very stressed, and that it has been going on for quite some time.
i personally don't see it - but then, i have also been told that often a person simply doesn't know it when they are stressed.

it seems that i have been very short and abrupt with everyone, and that i am also exhibiting some classic signs - not sleeping well (most nights i get about 4 to 4 1/2 hours), getting angry with people for simple things (i have a very short fuse), gaining weight even though i eat well and excercise some (i was putting that down to my very slow metabolism - hehehehe, very handy for when i drink! never blown more than 0.01 no matter how big a night! but i do get drunk the next day), getting very deeply involved in activities that capture my attention completely (apparently it's got something to do with 'forcing' myself to focus so that i don't 'over-think'), and the list goes on.
my children have also lately been saying that i seem to be 'removed' from them - not as involved, as it were.

so i am reluctantly concluding that maybe everyone is right when they say i am stressed, and because i have never thought of myself as that kind of person (a stress-head), i am now in a position where i have absolutely no idea how to change this.

any and all suggestions would be handy.

i should add that i am what they call a 'logic' thinker, and that i do also tend to look to end-stage scenarios - in other words, i try and imagine any situation to the n'th degree before i get too involved (but i always thought of that as a 'safety' thing, not a stress thing?)
oh, and i'm a complete atheist, as well as a sceptic.

ok, hopefully that's enough info to get this ball rolling, because if i don't do something, it looks like i will have a family revolt on my hands.

edited: because i forgot to add that i have plenty of 'me' time, but it doesn't seem to be helping much.

Three years ago, I developed a stomach ulcer. The doctor asked me if I was under stress.....I told him I didn't think I was overly stressed

The truth was that I had been stressed for years only I didn't realise it. Living with an emotionally abusive husband and getting more and more unhappy over the years had finally taken its toll on my body. A year later I left......and it was like a great weight had come off my shoulders. Even though this brought with it lots of new challenges, I discovered that I was a lot stronger than I'd given myself credit for.

I started going out more.....made new friends and reacquainted myself with old ones that I'd been ever so subtly cut off from over more than 20 years. I learned social skills and how to have fun.....and I learned to enjoy sex I used to over analyse situations, the "what if" scenario.....I'd lie awake at night and find myself going off in all directions and panicking a little......now I take things as they come, one day at a time. It helps that now I have someone very special in my life.....if I wake in the night he's there to cuddle and chase any bad dreams away.

I can only think of a few things which helped me.....I live for music and I'd put on the loudest heavy metal CD I could find and dance myself into exhaustion, or go out in the car with it cranked up and go for a drive. If I was down I'd go for a walk in the sun, or call a friend and go drink gallons of coffee......those late night chats helped immensely. I'd go to the library and find a good thick novel and lose myself in it. I'd go out and pull weeds in the garden for a while. Just little things......but they did help

Okay, so this is a shameless plug for my soon to be profession.

What about using some your "me" time to get a massage on a regular basis. Studies have shown, and I have experienced it myself, that getting a massage on a regular basis reduces stress levels. And they just plain feel good.

my suggestion, try something new. Grab a couple of friends and maybe go to a new club or join a pottery class or something. Just pick something you wouldnt normally do. Sometimes that helps put your mind to a different use that it isnt used to and will help you with the sleep problem and inevitably reduce stress levels.

warrior queen...

I think Bandit hit right on it, in a way...before you can actually de-stress, you have to figure out WHY you are stressing. All the ways to relieve stress are great, and they will do that...but probably only short-term, before the underlying reasons pop up again.

Has something changed in your life and thrown it a bit off-kilter? Is there something bothering you that you haven't shared with anyone? Simple questions, I know, and probably things you have questioned already...but question them again. Your intial post gives no indication that you know WHY this is happening.

It's easy to just want to de-stress, get it out and move on. But if you don't figure out what is going on in your head, you won't be able to be 'okay' for your family. (*whispering* Guess who taught me that? You. )

So...what's going on? And is there some way we can help?

S.

When my stress levels get up there, I put a new perspective on it all. Do something that makes you realize how minor your stress really is. When riding my bike through the sparsely populated foothills at 2 or 3 times the speed limit doesn't do it, I'll try something really out there, like skydiving or going for an aerobatic glider flight. Face your fears! I hate heights, but the thing on the top of the Stratosphere Casino will make me think about how ridiculous it is to be afraid of working 20 feet off the floor at work. Do something that makes you want to kiss the ground when you're done, and you'll feel victorious just to be alive.

If you asked my friends and family they would tell you that i am a really layed back person and that it takes alot to get under my skin. There are times that i get stressed and i know when they are cause i get this weird feeling inside it feels like shaking but its only on the inside. What i always to is talk to my closest guy friend we are like brothers and i know when i talk to him that he doesnt judge me and that he will never say anything to anyone. It a really weird relationship for to guys to have i think but i like it. I think we can talk about anything because we have been through alot of shit together and we always took it together no matter how deep we were in. We did alot of stupid shit together and we joke about so of it and other things are just between us. I guess what i am trying to say that a good way to get rid of stress it to talk to someone you can really trust no matter what and they will never say nothing at all. Like i never worry about anything when were together cause i would kill for him and he would do the same where some of my other friend i dont get the same feels i feel like there runners!

bandit - i do the music thing. hehehe - you can hear my car coming from a hell of a distance! and i play music at home too, but not always as loud as i'd like.
i do enjoy the coffee thing as well, but my problem now is i tend to get all frustrated at the mostly vacuous conversation that people these days engage in. (almost like they're avoiding anything serious or deep).

hotred - i'd love to be able to have a massage....... but sadly, i have a few bone structure issues that mean i can really only go to a physio for something like that. normal massage therapists just do not understand the problems they need to work around.

sheath - *sigh*
many things in my life are not quite as i wanted or expected them to be.
here i am at the age of 36 (i know, i know - it's not THAT old) and i have yet to achieve one perfectly 'happy' day.
so many things are not right at this time, that i am feeling crushed by it all.
but the thing is, i've been here before, many times, and yet now it seems that i am 'stressed' enough for aquaintances, let alone friends, to notice.
*sigh again* or maybe i'm just so damn tired of having issues to deal with, then dealing, only to have more issues rise up in front of me again.

nefarious - i understand your 'kiss the earth' mentality.....
many, many times i have gone out and done some form of high-risk activity - just to feel ALIVE again. bungee-jumping, speedway, etc.
(mind you, when i do anything like that - i get shot down for not thinking of the possible consequences - by the very people i am now snappy with - my family)

SIC - i used to have a friend like that.
but he decided i was some sort of monster for even daring to think about leaving my S/O.
we haven't spoken for nearly a year, and i doubt he will ever let me back in.
and as yet, i haven't been able to find anyone else in my circle or elsewhere, that i could, or would, allow into my world that far.

I know this may come across as mundane: Remember to breathe.

Deep breaths are fine, but remember to exhale completely, as slow as possible while still feeling natural, and allow your body to relax in the process.

I use this simple ritual both to relax and to focus my thoughts in times of stress.

Hi Warrior Queen,

In your post you say that you didn't realise you were so stressed but you need to find out why you are so stressed before you can work on the problem. I too have a very stressful life, it comes out in me with headaches, not sleeping and being very snappish to everyone.
Maybe some time on your own? - a weekend away or just treating yourself might help. I find retail therapy comes in handy, not expensive just little things, treats - around the home, get chores relegated out, don't try to do everything yourself.

Stress can be one of the hardest problems to deal with because it usually effects everyone else just as much as yourself. Hope this helps.

Disclaimer: this may be entirely off the mark, but it's also nearly complete stream-of-consciousness in hopes of hitting something valuable.

WQ, like you I can be accused of being far too analytical, and yet there is an important part of me that loves riding a wave with little thought to where it might crash.

Like you, I sometimes find myself wound up tighter than the proverbial drum. In the past I have used transcendental meditation, drugs, alcohol, simple meditation, running, golf, loud music, hobbies, and sex to loosen up. No one thing works perfectly and some have terrible unintended consequences. The difficulty comes in knowing the root of the problem. Sometimes those roots are buried so deep even the groundhogs can't find them.

This past winter I came to the understanding that something that occurred nearly two years ago was still festering under my skin. When it came out, I realized I had been numb all that time. Months later, I am still recovering from the shock. Stress? Absolutely. Pain? Unreal amounts of it. Fear? You bet.

So what have I done to get out of that fearful, stressed-out state? Would you believe none-of-the-above? The simple acknowledgement of the root has enabled me to understand my feelings and behaviors in a new way. I am not one to offer myself excuses. But I accept explanations. I know how I was hurt and I now understand the depth and breadth of the hurt. And I can see how things I have done in the meantime may have been prompted by the hurt.

I believe that the simple recognition of the root cause has allowed me to de-stress to a large degree.

Sheath and Bandit are correct in saying you have to know the origin of your stress before any particular method of de-stressing will have a long-term effect.

I can't offer any uniquely powerful advice on how to locate the origin of your stress. But I suggest you find some time to quietly peer into your heart and just ask yourself, what pain do I feel? Where did that pain come from? Now what other pain do I feel? And where did that come from? And so on until you can find no more. Perhaps that will help you see what now you cannot see.

Just a few humble thoughts from a fellow skeptic.

I'm logical myself, depending upon the situation. Sometimes I'm emotions, sometimes I'm Spock
When I get stressed, I just say, what the hell, screw it.
I don't stress out, I just start by taking the small things away and going from there. Like, if you're talking to 5 ppl online, have to do a paper and need research, I'd start by talking to the only ppl, you really wanna talk to, or just don't talk to them at all. Then, get some of the research done gradually. Don't flip out, just take your time and do things step by step.
If you get messed up or stressed, just walk away from it, take some time off, deep breaths and just think, ok how can i do this and make it better?
hope it helps! Need anymore tips, just im/pm/email me

Stress...My old long time enemy.

First , take a stress test. this will help you realize how much stress you have in your life and how much you are under now.

Do you know how to relax? I did not... had never learned.

I was surprised to learn that there was good stress and bad stress.

It took a while but, I learned how to handle most of the stress at the time it happened, therefore negating its effect.

Some of the most important things I learned?


Don't take myself so seriously.

It all passes under the hand of GOD.

Everything doesn't have to work out thew way I want them to.

A lot of things work out better If I keep my hands off and let them work themselves out.

Good luck.

The best thing I have ever found to help me unwind from the tortures of everyday life is quite simple. I find very hot water very soothing. Add to that scented candles (I find vanilla works best for me), music of your choice, a glass of your favorite drink, maybe some bath oil, and just kick back. By the time I get out, sometimes up to an hour later, depending on water temp, I feel as though I could take on anything.

What you need is to find out what you truly enjoy, just for your enjoyment, and take it to it's best limits.

Hope ya feel better soon!

My 2 Cents

Everyone has posted good advice here, and I figured it wouldn't hurt to throw in my two cents...

I tend to get high strung and edgy myself when I am under stress. Migraines are common at this point, as are tummy issues.

The trick is to not sweat the small stuff. Get to the root of your stressors and decide what is worth the time spent stressing and what isn't. Face it, some things in life can't be changed. You worry about your kids, you worry about other people around you, and none of that necessarily goes away, but it can be left to the notion that worrying over what you can't change is a waste of time and does no good overall.

Then you take the things you can change, and go about changing them in a logical manner. Take things step by step, and each step is a progression toward improvement and happiness.

In between, you do what relaxes you when you have the time. Get plenty of sleep, and if you can't, try Sominex for a few nights, or a glass of wine each night (but no more than a glass), until you train yourself to sleep at a certain time and get something out of it. If you are a stress eater, keep a bag of baby carrots on hand, or something else that is good for you rather than junk food. Junk food wears the body down, and the healthier stuff often lifts our spirits and energy levels.

De-stressing depends on the individual. Some go for exercise, while others go for a candle-lit bath. It doesn't need to be an extreme sport or a drinking binge. Any enjoyable change of pace will do wonders.

Good luck!

The Poodle

first things first -
i have an appointment today with my doc, and am going to have a stress-test as well as a physical done.

i'll ask him for some pointers also.

i KNOW something has gone wrong in my psyche, but i figure i should eliminate any physical causes first (i suffer from osteo-penia, and my hormones are so completely out of whack i no longer know if i'm coming or going! not to mention that the pill plays a bit with my body also)

will let you know what the doc says.

thankyou (so far) to those that have responded