Attention 24/7'ers: What misconceptions do people have about 24/7 relationships?

This thread is for people who are or have been in 24/7 relationships.

There was a recent thread about part-time kinksters where Catalina wrote that many people in this forum have misconceptions about how 24/7 relationships work in real life.

I think for many it is a huge misconception of what 24/7 means. It comes across in many responses on threads whereby such statements are made about how BDSM or whichever section of the community people identify with is only part of their life and not all their life thus they are not 24/7. 24/7 does not mean as Dom/me you chase your slave/sub 24/7 around the house with a whip and both have nothing else in their lives...on the contrary most 24/7 have many things which are the parts of their lives which form the whole, but underlying is the basis of the relationship which forms the fabric on which that life is woven. Often understated and almost invisible, rarely overtly dramatic in a minute by minute, blow by blow existence. Believe me, our lives are anything but a boring existence whereby we have nothing else to offer the world or each other.

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I have seen around this forum that a few 24/7'ers echo Catalina's sentiments. I was contemplating this topic and could not find anything in the BDSM Library. So maybe a thread dedicated to clearing up these misconceptions will be useful!

What inaccurate perceptions do you see either in real life or in these forums? What misconceptions do non-24/7 people have about those in 24/7 relationships?

LOL..I can add to this in that recently I was approached by a submissive who spoke of her difficuilties in her relationship, and some of the things I had spoken (not on Lit) of such as TPE and 24/7 (which she said she was also living) had led her to talk openly with me and ask how I dealt with specific issues etc. One of those issues were related to obedience and the seemingly coldness and cruelness of Dominants who insisted on this in a TPE context.

When I explained Francisco was far from cold or cruel in the context she related, and that he took into consideration whether his demands were within my capabilities without permanently damaging his property she triumphantly announced it was as she thought, and accused all 24/7 TPE relationships as fake as it was obvious it was not 24/7 or TPE if the Dominant took the submissives welfare into consideration and this was what she found everyone she had spoken to said.

She also had this notion that if the Dominant left the house, or left me alone anywhere for 5 minutes, it could no longer be seen as 24/7 because he was not there with me making sure I did as was expected and under direct supervision at all times. She failed to understandf 24/7 meant in part being able to live by the rules you are set without the need for continual supervision and checking. Trust was not something she understood in this context. I had the impression she also felt if he slept it ruled out 24/7 which led me to wonder who was the cold and cruel one in her scenario, the submissive who thought this definition she had was 24/7 TPE, or the Dominant who was expected to fulfil her criteria?

Another common misconception I have experienced from some is that in a 24/7 relationship the Domiinant must be all powerful, no flaws, no human weaknesses, while the submissive must be weak, dependent in all ways, and if they are not in reality, they must learn to at least pretend they are. Sheeesh what balony. A Dominant is a human and not perfect as much as we like to think they are. In our relationship we use each others strengths to complement the others area of weakness, sort of as I was saying to someone last night, filling in the gaps to complete the whole.

The areas I excel in become my tasks, his strengths are his domain, but he controls and has last word on everything. It does not mean he is weak to admit if I am better at something and therefore set it as my task and responsibility, utilise his property for his/our advantage. If anything to me it displays strength and a comfort within himself with who he is, and not infallible. Usually I find that a much safer mindset in a Dominant than one who believes they know everything and are perfect in all ways...recipe for disaster and in the end a very stagnant relationship. Just some of the misconceptions I come across regularly in more than Lit threads.

Catalina

I'm not in 24/7 but I have to explain constantly to the naysayers that 24/7 doesn't mean naked and caged at home all day.

But people, 24/7 and not 24/7 alike, are usually pretty damn literal, that's one of the reasons I don't like the label. We're trying to define what's essentially a psycho-spatial thing, using the clock metaphor doesn't jive with me.

catalina_francisco said:

I had the impression she also felt if he slept it ruled out 24/7 which led me to wonder who was the cold and cruel one in her scenario, the submissive who thought this definition she had was 24/7 TPE, or the Dominant who was expected to fulfil her criteria?

Catalina

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ROTFL!

I have this image of a horrendously weary, red-eyed guy occupying an armchair, flogger in hand, while his "slave" snoozes on her floor pallet, her delicate wrists artistically chained to the wall. Every time he nods off or gets up to use the can or eat, she pops an eyelid open and gives him a look of woeful recrimination, as if she were a newborn baby whose parents had just abandoned her in a dumpster. He sighs and sits down again.

MM

Madame Manga said:

ROTFL!

I have this image of a horrendously weary, red-eyed guy occupying an armchair, flogger in hand, while his "slave" snoozes on her floor pallet, her delicate wrists artistically chained to the wall. Every time he nods off or gets up to use the can or eat, she pops an eyelid open and gives him a look of woeful recrimination, as if she were a newborn baby whose parents had just abandoned her in a dumpster. He sighs and sits down again.

MM

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LMAO. Thanks. I needed that.

Madame Manga said:

ROTFL!

I have this image of a horrendously weary, red-eyed guy occupying an armchair, flogger in hand, while his "slave" snoozes on her floor pallet, her delicate wrists artistically chained to the wall. Every time he nods off or gets up to use the can or eat, she pops an eyelid open and gives him a look of woeful recrimination, as if she were a newborn baby whose parents had just abandoned her in a dumpster. He sighs and sits down again.

MM

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LOL....sad but the vision some seem to have.

C

And yet again a misconception on the threads today that to be 24/7 means a submissive doesn't/can't have a life....and yet there are so many sites over the internet which address and educate, still many seem to miss the reality and imagine a fantasy I have yet to see exist in the real world of BDSM.

Catalina

what you mean you don' competely give up your life and stop doing everything when you get in a full time relationship? *gasp, shock horror*

that always did seem a little silly to me..i mean how can either of you be happy if your relationship is always together, always in the roles..and never doing the things in life you need to/have to/want to get done..
i mean unless one of you is a trust fund baby one or both of you have to work, and thier's those silly bills and groceries..and even if just one of you works, the other one is probably expected to go out and do the shoping and stuff..if you have kids this is a whole new issues..not to mention social obligations.. i mean how can anyone be with thier dom 100% of the time an live in the real world?
and then thier's the whole issue of giving up your friends and family for your dom/mes....right..yeah...that's gonna happen... and you'll have a happy sub resultingly..i'm sure.

i don't know..thier's a blaance here...and most people aren't good with that..they want things to be black or white...and don't like/try to ignore the fact that it's all really just kind of a nice grey, if it's gonna work that is.
alot of things in life are like this.
you'd think others would learn to deal.

We have issues with this too ... guys who think that 24/7 means that they give up everything - friends, family, job, etc. For us though, it seems to be that they want us to support them - since we aren't money-dommes expecting them to support us, then we automatically must support them. They think that 'houseboy' = stay at home maid & nothing more. They want to be caged when we are at work, they want to be kept in a closet while we sleep, & so on & so on ... It gets old very fast. And when we try to explain that 24/7 to us means that we have some standing orders, but in general, just living together and being available at least most of the time, they think that we are fakes, frauds, whatever.

SweetDommes said:

We have issues with this too ... guys who think that 24/7 means that they give up everything - friends, family, job, etc. For us though, it seems to be that they want us to support them - since we aren't money-dommes expecting them to support us, then we automatically must support them. They think that 'houseboy' = stay at home maid & nothing more. They want to be caged when we are at work, they want to be kept in a closet while we sleep, & so on & so on ... It gets old very fast. And when we try to explain that 24/7 to us means that we have some standing orders, but in general, just living together and being available at least most of the time, they think that we are fakes, frauds, whatever.

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Must get tempting to give them what they ask for on a month sample basis. I guarantee most, if not all, would be hightailing it as far away from the fantasy/reality as their pretty little feet could take them. Doesn't the saying go 'Be careful what you wish for...you might get it'?

Catalina http://www.logtenberg.info/sex/18+07.gif

catalina_francisco said:

Must get tempting to give them what they ask for on a month sample basis. I guarantee most, if not all, would be hightailing it as far away from the fantasy/reality as their pretty little feet could take them. Doesn't the saying go 'Be careful what you wish for...you might get it'?

Catalina http://www.logtenberg.info/sex/18+07.gif

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We have honestly thought about doing this ... only, we figure we will only give them a week ... that will be more than enough time for them to see that what they are asking for isn't really what they want (we have had some boys make this realization while we were just talking to them), and we wouldn't have to put too much effort into doing things that we don't really enjoy.

re: 24/7?

i have read through the comments here, involving 24/7, and some are quite amusing. i am unsure how to explain myself, but i am 24/7 slave to my Mistress. i am dedicated to Her 24/7, and yes She does, pretty much, just sit and watch the tv all day.
there is no such thing, as micro managing here, since i am a middle aged adult with life experiences, skills/knowledge, that She enjoys having here for Her benefit.
i pretty much, have all the luxury of just doing whatever i had thought of for the day, without any supervision, and without any s/m involved.
most people may tell you they see this as vanilla as it can be, and they are entitled to their feelings, though i feel otherwise.
and as to money-dommes?.....yes, my Ma'am, is, a pro-domme, that charges for sessions.
and yes, my money is in Her pockets. She doles out whatever is needed to whatever bill there is.
i do, pay the bills, with my, money, yes.!!
i just recently dropped several thousands into the account, that is direct deposit for my incoming money.
i do not, know, what, anyone here, thinks/feels re: my situation, but it is absolute truth.

thank you
lizzie

Re: re: 24/7?

lizzie anne said:

i do not, know, what, anyone here, thinks/feels re: my situation, but it is absolute truth.

thank you
lizzie

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Is good to have another happy 24/7 on the board. Welcome and hope we get to know you better through your postings.

Catalina

Thanks to the people who made responses!

reply/thank you

Re: re: 24/7?

quote:
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Originally posted by lizzie anne
i do not, know, what, anyone here, thinks/feels re: my situation, but it is absolute truth.

thank you
lizzie
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Is good to have another happy 24/7 on the board. Welcome and hope we get to know you better through your postings.

Catalina


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lizzie

Howling_Ire said:

what you mean you don' competely give up your life and stop doing everything when you get in a full time relationship? *gasp, shock horror*

that always did seem a little silly to me..i mean how can either of you be happy if your relationship is always together, always in the roles..and never doing the things in life you need to/have to/want to get done..
i mean unless one of you is a trust fund baby one or both of you have to work, and thier's those silly bills and groceries..and even if just one of you works, the other one is probably expected to go out and do the shoping and stuff..if you have kids this is a whole new issues..not to mention social obligations.. i mean how can anyone be with thier dom 100% of the time an live in the real world?
and then thier's the whole issue of giving up your friends and family for your dom/mes....right..yeah...that's gonna happen... and you'll have a happy sub resultingly..i'm sure.

i don't know..thier's a blaance here...and most people aren't good with that..they want things to be black or white...and don't like/try to ignore the fact that it's all really just kind of a nice grey, if it's gonna work that is.
alot of things in life are like this.
you'd think others would learn to deal.

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but some people do actually live that way, and no, it does not have to result in unhappiness for either person involved. my Master makes the money and manages all finances. even when he had me working outside the home, i never so much as saw one paycheck...they all went directly to him. i own nothing, and have no control over anything, it was mutually understood that that's how it would be upon becoming his property. i've had to say goodbye to friends because Daddy did not approve of them...and if he ever told me i could never see any member of my family ever again...well, that is how it would have to be. He only forbids me things or people from my life, from our lives, for good reason, even if it's a reason i can't understand at the moment. my world does literally revolve around him. take him out of my life, and well, there would be no life left. i am not slave/career woman/artist/mother/sister....i am simply slave. my Master, his desires and needs are not merely number one priority, above all others and all other things, ALWAYS, but he is also my entire purpose for being/existing.

so from our point of view, one popular 24/7 misconception is the idea that it can never be 24/7. that there must be something else, that these are roles we can take on and off.

ownedsubgal said:

but some people do actually live that way, and no, it does not have to result in unhappiness for either person involved. my Master makes the money and manages all finances. even when he had me working outside the home, i never so much as saw one paycheck...they all went directly to him. i own nothing, and have no control over anything, it was mutually understood that that's how it would be upon becoming his property. i've had to say goodbye to friends because Daddy did not approve of them...and if he ever told me i could never see any member of my family ever again...well, that is how it would have to be. He only forbids me things or people from my life, from our lives, for good reason, even if it's a reason i can't understand at the moment. my world doesn't literally revolve around him. take him out of my life, and well, there would be no life left. i am not slave/career woman/artist/mother/sister....i am simply slave. my Master, his desires and needs are not merely number one priority, above all others and all other things, ALWAYS, but he is also my entire purpose for being/existing.

so from our point of view, one popular 24/7 misconception is the idea that it can never be 24/7. that there must be something else, that these are roles we can take on and off.

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I do understand that it can be 24/7, but does he chain you to the wall when he isn't in the same room with you? Does he cage you when he leaves the house? Are you kept inside at all times, away from all civilization except for those that he brings in? Those are some of the things that some expect from us when they hear that we want 24/7. I don't know of anyone who could remain sane for long like that, slave or not. Not to mention the fact that 24/7 doesn't have to be a master/slave situation, in which case, there are multiple roles that are going to be filled. We live a 24/7 lifestyle with our boy, but it is not like you have described ... which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be like us, but just because we do fill various roles at various times does not mean that we are not 24/7.

SweetDommes said:

We live a 24/7 lifestyle with our boy, but it is not like you have described ... which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be like us, but just because we do fill various roles at various times does not mean that we are not 24/7.

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....And as in our situation, the various roles combine to fulfil the whole role as slave in a way which seems more attractive, valued, and serving all his needs as he sees it. Everything I do is for him, which for him means demanding I use all facets of my being, whether it be as artist, counsellor, family member, etc., in a way which makes me a more valueable asset and property than if I sat in a corner waiting to be ordered to cook dinner or fetch the remote control. He wants to utilise his property fully so enhances whatever skills and experiences I have to serve his needs and purpose in whatever way pleases him at the moment. Even the sound of my sleeping helps him relax ....so 24/7 it is so it seems.

Catalina

SweetDommes said:

I do understand that it can be 24/7, but does he chain you to the wall when he isn't in the same room with you? Does he cage you when he leaves the house? Are you kept inside at all times, away from all civilization except for those that he brings in? Those are some of the things that some expect from us when they hear that we want 24/7. I don't know of anyone who could remain sane for long like that, slave or not. Not to mention the fact that 24/7 doesn't have to be a master/slave situation, in which case, there are multiple roles that are going to be filled. We live a 24/7 lifestyle with our boy, but it is not like you have described ... which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be like us, but just because we do fill various roles at various times does not mean that we are not 24/7.

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no of course it doesn't. what i was referring to really are some of the misconceptions about 24/7 from those of us actually within the lifestyle. of course many vanillas who have no real knowledge of D/s are going to think 24/7 D/s equates to whips and chains and boot licking all day everyday, but i think we all realize that such people are just not going to understand. what disheartens me more is the perception of 24/7 among many in the lifestyle who think the very idea of someone always being slave, of someone always being Master/Mistress, is ridiculous.who thinks that in order for someone to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life, they must have something "else" in their lives, and that a true 24/7 takes that into account, allowing things like a slave who is a mother or father still having authority over their own children, or a slave who is a business owner or supervisor in a company retain that position. basically, being something other than simply "slave" at all times.

while i do not sit in a corner waiting to be ordered about, i do not have any other positions in life beyond that of Daddy's property. yet this has never felt stifling for me. one thing he does not prevent, even encourages, is my passion for learning, research, study. so he may place me in school again someday, but it will be purely for the sake of learning, and not the next step to obtaining some career. my Master does not want a person with absolutely nothing to offer...He considers my intellect, my inquisitiveness, all the various facets of who i am to be assets, not hindrances to slavery. and although i do not have the knowledge to be able to directly assist him with his work for instance, i do my part by squatting under his desk and gently sucking his cock as he's deep into a project. and sometimes he will even ask me how to spell a certain word (as a kid i was a spelling bee champ/nerd). so i can be helpful.

My partner is my slave 24/7, she is there for me always without any hard limits or safeguards. It does not matter where she is or what she is doing, she remains my property.
She can be 16000 km away and still be my slave, she can be sitting next to me and be my slave.
She can be sucking on my cock or she can be writing an essay, she is still my slave.
It does not matter which activity she is doing, her slave hood does not change.

I like her to have a full rich life, where she develops her skill and uses them to help us and others, because the more developed her skills become the more I will get from them and also in my opinion the more my property grows in worth. If there is something that never stops to amazes me is how some Dominants limit their property in such a way that they can not get the full 100 % out of it.

I enjoy having a good conversation, I enjoy discussing things, and I enjoy winning a discussion based on my intellect and capabilities. I enjoy growing in my capabilities and becoming better in what I do. By limiting the way my partner can talk to me outside a scene I am limiting myself in my conversations and my own growth path, by limiting her I am limiting myself, why the hell would I ever want to do that? If she says something that she should not have said or if she becomes disrespectful I have a very nice cane to take care of that. I do not see why I should make her life easier and limit my own.

I enjoy my partner having a life where she can have contact with others without me. I am her Dominant wherever she is, whatever she is doing be it in house, out of the house, be it that she is working or not. To be a 24/7 you do not need to limit a person, the fact is that by allowing her to work, by allowing her to have contact with others, by allowing her to be a mother her submission becomes more valuable to me. I see it as being harder, she has more challenges to take and overcome. I do not remove all possible negative or challenging influences from her life, although it would be easier for her if I would smooth her path and take away her challenges, for example by removing her right to work, ignoring her intellect, taking away her contact with family or! friends I do not like, but why would I? Her submission does not need to be easy, to me it means more that she is still my slave even if she has to take all those hurdles to be mine, having a mind and not being a robot.

Francisco.

catalina_francisco said:

I enjoy my partner having a life where she can have contact with others without me. I am her Dominant wherever she is, whatever she is doing be it in house, out of the house, be it that she is working or not. To be a 24/7 you do not need to limit a person, the fact is that by allowing her to work, by allowing her to have contact with others, by allowing her to be a mother her submission becomes more valuable to me. I see it as being harder, she has more challenges to take and overcome. I do not remove all possible negative or challenging influences from her life, although it would be easier for her if I would smooth her path and take away her challenges, for example by removing her right to work, ignoring her intellect, taking away her contact with family or! friends I do not like, but why would I? Her submission does not need to be easy, to me it means more that she is still my slave even if she has to take all those hurdles to be mine, having a mind and not being a robot.

Francisco.

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very impressed. respect.

I cannot speak intelligently about a 24/7 relationship, as I have never been in one. I feel the need to say that by limiting a sub/slaves choices and options, you are limiting her submission exponentially. The more worng choices she has the option to make, the more often she will be placed in the position to appreciate or forego her submission. What ever happened to trust? Isn't that the basis of any TPE? Granted, I definately understand the necessity to limit and correct the wrong decisions made, but if you remove altogether the option to make them, you remove the option of submission.

I read something like this on someone's post signature.....

If all I wanted was a firm willing piece of flesh to manipulate for my pleasure, I'd masturbate....(thank you to whoever owns this or such like this)

If you are concerned about friends and family infringing on or destroying your relationship, the concerns would be better placed on the relationship itself. But I truly understand the desire for your sub's uptight, loud-mouthed (bitch is being left unsaid) friends to mind their own business.

Saint_Sinner said:

I cannot speak intelligently about a 24/7 relationship, as I have never been in one. I feel the need to say that by limiting a sub/slaves choices and options, you are limiting her submission exponentially. The more worng choices she has the option to make, the more often she will be placed in the position to appreciate or forego her submission. What ever happened to trust? Isn't that the basis of any TPE? Granted, I definately understand the necessity to limit and correct the wrong decisions made, but if you remove altogether the option to make them, you remove the option of submission.

I read something like this on someone's post signature.....

If all I wanted was a firm willing piece of flesh to manipulate for my pleasure, I'd masturbate....(thank you to whoever owns this or such like this)

If you are concerned about friends and family infringing on or destroying your relationship, the concerns would be better placed on the relationship itself. But I truly understand the desire for your sub's uptight, loud-mouthed (bitch is being left unsaid) friends to mind their own business.

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well for some submissives, submitting is not a choice or an option. it's not something they decide to do...they just do. so for such submissives, placing various restrictions on their lives isn't limiting their submission, because their submission can't be limited as long as they are living and breathing.

when my Master has removed someone from my life, it has been hard...extremely difficult emotionally in one instance that stands out now...but it has always been with good reason. if a person crosses certain boundaries, disrespects or disregards his ownership of me, disrespects our way of life...then he does not want that person in my life, simple as that. it's not that he fears they will influence me away from him, it's definitely not a matter of trust, it comes down to a matter of respect, and my Master not wanting certain kinds of people in our lives. i am permitted to have a few friends, to have direct contact with people beyond my Master...but people who meet his approval only. i am never anywhere without him or without someone that he has temporarily placed in charge of me. i do not roam out and about on my own. to some that would be unbareable, too limiting, but it only makes me feel safe and protected and very much loved. it hardly removes all the challenges or hardships from my life...Daddy is not one who believes in making life easy for a slave. He merely believes in controlling and structuring every facet of my life (His life), which is not so odd for one who is the owner of human property.

OSG I respect you and your Master, I am not trying to make this into a contest into who is right and who is wrong. This is not a contest about who is the best submissive or the best slave, this is not a contest about who is the best or most powerful Dominant. This is just a discussion between people with different opinions.

I think I can make the best my point by using an analogy, out of the bible.

The greatest most powerful Dominant is God, he is almighty and all powerful, there is no limit to what he can do except the limit he has put up himself. God has given men a very powerful and precious gift of free will, the power to say no or yes, the power to choose to be his or not.

Apparently God has decided that to be his, to be owned by him, to submit to him, you must choose it, he has given man the ability to say no. He could have taken that ability away; he could have not given it, but the submission to him means more because man can choose to submit or rebel.

Not only did he give men the ability to choose, he has also created hell and the devil. The devil is there to lure us away from God and hell is there to punish us if we break his rules. So not only did he give us free will, he also made our submission to him harder by putting hurdles in our way.

Francisco.

Francisco, please don't think i mean to disrespect, you, Catalina, or your ways. that is not my intent at all. however in the process of intelligent adult discussion, especially when one has only the written word to use as a tool of expression, things can be misinterpreted and misunderstandings can happen. an issue i'll admit to having is being overly sensitive at times...i can feel attacked or disrespected or belittled when no such intent was meant at all. sometimes in speaking of the beauty and good in our own individual ways and beliefs for us, we can unconsciously make the implication that other ways and beliefs are not so good. i just wanted to be sure none of that was happening here.


now as far as the idea of leaving, or even placing, hurdles in the way of one's submission, i can very much understand the use and good in that if one is a particular kind of submissive. if one is the type that chooses to submit, that consciously decides, yes or no. but there are many different kinds of submissives, and for some the idea of there being any hurdles on their path to submission is an impossibility as their submission is never a conscious choice. their struggles, their hurdles, are in other things, but not in their submission.

now as far as the other points you made about a slave having various things in their life to make them more valuable to their Master...Daddy and i actually spoke about this tonight, and his feelings were that an intelligent, well-read submissive definitely makes for a much more interesting person to be with, but not a better or more valuable slave. and as far as activities/jobs/etc., to him too many such things not only take away from valuable time and energy that need to be spent serving him and tending to his needs, but can be a distraction from the slave's true purpose (which is not self-improvement). that is why he does not wish me to assume any roles in life beyond that of his cherished property, the lack of a million outside influences and responsibilities makes me a more valuable and useful property for him. for you it is different, for every Owner and slave relationship it is different. what is right for one is certainly not right for all, and i would never try to imply that.