What is happening when (very long, sorry!)

a 49 year old man makes love to his lady, and when buried deep inside her, just can't orgasm---even though the loving is very hot and intense?

I've been struggling with finding the words for this thread for months now. I still don't know how to fully explain all the dynamics involved in this situation, probably because it just seems so foreign to me. Please bear with me, even though I'm a stranger to you, this is very painful for me. I've been drawn to this board for quite awhile, so here I am.

We have a very beautiful, strong love that nothing ever rattles. We each have baggage from the past, emotional and sexual. We agreed a long time ago that we would work very hard at having the ultimate relationship because for the first time in our lives, we both felt this relationship was "the one", all the necessary components we'd ached for all our lives were there.
Before I knew him, I had gone through a sexual awakening (in my 40's) that had never been tested, so to speak, until I did meet him. What we have come to know in the last year is a treasure, its something people dream and fantasize of experiencing. We love wide open and in eachother's arms, there is nothing we will not do.
We do have different libidos, I am very hungry ALL the time, and have never once turned him away. I am a very intense lover, he tells me that I can take him from being wiped out from work and not having the energy for anything more than to cuddle, to wanting me with a fervor, that I make him feed off of me. Though its rare, there have been times that I give him multiple orgasms, over a few hours time.

A little about him...he's of the old school that treats a woman gently and is inhibited about showing sexual aggression, simply because of his upbringing. I've worked very hard on letting him know that I welcome anything at all that he feels and wants to bring to the table, that he is safe in my arms, and that I will never be turned off by whatever he wants or needs. Because of this, I have brought him experiences he never dreamed he'd ever know.
He is a strong, proud, and very much "in control" kind of man. He is a bit of a contradiction, in that he wants the ego boost of a woman being strong and confident in her approach to him, and has quite a trigger for my being aggressive/dominant with him. He has even told me that I can wake him in the middle of the night and use him like a toy. Yet, this same man seems to suffer some type of performance anxiety if I let him know ahead of time that I am really burning for him. If I make sexual innuendo type comments during the day regarding what I want or need for the upcoming night, if I in any way come across as having some type of expectation, IT JUST ISN't GOING TO HAPPEN.

Whats interesting to me is that orgasm is so unimportant to him. Like so many of you, he says that what matters most to him is my pleasure, that he could care less if he orgasms. Funny, thats exactly how I feel.
If I ever try to verbally urge him on to an orgasm, he goes limp.
I have tried so hard to stop doing so, but the problem with that is that means I am no longer throwing myself into the act and just being myself, I am actually having to change my nature and "think" when it seems to me that lovemaking is supposed to be about giving your everything to the moment, not lying there thinking about what you can and can't do. It feels so contrived, to actually be calculating what to do or not do next.
And worse, I end up having to leave the bed so that he doesn't see my pain and tears. He tells me repeatedly that my reaction to him losing it or not orgasming diminishes the experience.

For me, orgasm brings something to both of us. It is completion, and it is fulfillment. There is nothing like having him deep inside me, and surrendering himself to me/us, to the pleasure and emotion we created together. Nothing, nothing touches that, and I need it.
There is also nothing like having him buried deep inside me, moaning about how good it is, yet never reaching that "completion".
It hurts, it hurts bad.

I wonder, if its so very good, how can he not? He moans and writhes all around on the bed, calling my name, telling me he loves me, that I am a wonderful lover, and then poof---I can feel the change in him, it just isn't gonna happen. Its also interesting to me that he senses my orgasms coming and does the very same thing to me that I do to him---he urges me on, begging me to cum for him, and is deeply aroused when I do. (Which is something in itself, I am a squirter, my orgasms are not the usual spasms that make you tremble all over and that are real hard to miss the beginnings of. Mine are one huge, all consuming tightening up and bearing down, and then this very long gushing that peaks, lessens, and then happens all over again, several more times. He knows moments before it is going to happen, when I don't even realize it myself.)

In the past, he has explained that he is so tired that he just doesn't have it in him, but that he wants to please me so he makes love with me anyway. Thats a good thing, I know, but part of me believes that if you love your lover and they rock your little world, and you're gonna bother to show up at all, how hard is it to give into the pleasure?
I just don't understand.

I believe that God made lovemaking for more than just procreation, othewise we'd just "in and out" like dogs without all the emotion and depth that we experience. I think lovemaking is meant to be so beautiful to join us in such a way that we can never be torn apart.

Can someone please help me to understand what is happening here? I have no idea how to "just be me", which is what he says he needs for me, so that I can soar, as he puts it. How can I be myself, when doing so means setting myself up for failure by in some way expressing the very expectations that so stress him? I'm very open, playful, lusty and can't seem to hide my feelings to save my life. Either I continue on just being myself and suffering this kind of pain that always, ALWAYS leaves me feeling something is wrong with me or he'd orgasm easily, being that I'm the woman he wants to marry and states that he doesn't want to ever be without. Or, I can become someone else that sits waiting and hoping he can read my mind, never expressing desire and need and hope that I can live without those desires and needs being met.

See, I know in my gut this is about expectations because as long as he is in control, making the moves, coming to me when he feels like it and loving on me and having me love on him the way he wants it, he will cum so hard I feel he's gonna shoot me across the room!

Where, in love, is there any room for this stuff? What is it about performance anxiety that can so threaten a man when he knows his lady just throbs for him, that he can do NO wrong in her eyes...how can it so effect him?

Thank you very much. I'm sorry for the length of this post, it couldn't be shortened.

~wowed,

I'm honored to be making the first reply to a new thread.

And with very good reason.

Like you, I have a partner who occasionally just "goes limp" as orgasm approaches. It's a complete mystery to both of us.

She will get higher and higher in her pleasure and sexual tension and then, not always but far too often, it "just fizzles" in her words. Of course, like a good lover she will continue and I don't know for a few minutes that she has "fizzled." When this happens she's disappointed, I'm disappointed, and we go to sleep wishing for better. Because we've had better.

One thing I find is that if I pleasure her the next morning she usually has a good climax, and gets a really good release to her sexual tension. Still, that's small comfort.

So, while I don't have a clue what's going on with my partner or yours, I think I understand in a small way what you're experiencing.

Maybe someone else on the Lit list will have some ideas for us.

There could be a lot of things going on here, and your man may not even be aware of them.

First, at 49, I would suggest he begin to set up regular appointments with his doc if he hasn't already done so. As a man ages (especially after 50) his prostate may enlarge and this can interfer with sexual potency. Plus, it's just a good idea for a man to take care of himself as he ages. (This coming from some one who lost her father when he was 57 from prostate cancer) There might be a physical cause for your partner's behavior and it's best to rule it out. A doctor might also talk to him about using viagra or that other drug that just recently came on the market. That might be an option you need to discuss.

Second, I'm not pre-judging here, but my partner is 50 and I know that in some areas of relationships he is a bit old-fashioned. He likes me to take charge on occasion, but he also prefers me to be a little more discrete about it. Subtle hints over the phone, a slightly naughty email, etc. I can almost feel him turning away if I get too blatant with him, especially if we are in a public place. It may have to do with getting an erection in public, certainly, but I think it has more to do with the way he was conditioned. By all means, not every man over 45 is this way, but they are out there. If your partner is like this, you may need to work in more subtle ways to express what you want.

Third, while experiencing your partner's orgasm is exciting and pleasurable, it is also important to learn if that is what you ultimately consider as "fulfillment". Or is just the idea of sharing enough? I know there are times when I will wake up my partner with a blowjob in the morning after have had sex the night before. While he can get an erection, and he will penetrate, he normally can't orgasm. It feels good to him (at least he says so ), and he is always patient about getting me off in the morning, but it's just too close to his last orgasm to be able to pull it off again. For me, I love it when I can experience his orgasm - but I've come to realize that, for him, it is not the end-all. What is more important is the holding, cuddling, teasing, giggling that happens in those early morning hours. I know he likes what he is feeling and I enjoy being with him, an orgasm (his or mine) would simply be "gravy". I've also learned that if he is stressing over something, it is more difficult for him to orgasm. This bothered me at first, but now I am beginning to understand his feelings and learning to "let go". You may have to do the same.

Lastly, your partner may very well have issues about being in control. It's not all that uncommon. I would think you have several options: talking to him, have him check himself out physically, or engage a counselor if you feel it is hurting the relationship.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

Thank you both, your input is very helpful to me.

midwestyankee, I so understand your partner! The only insight I can offer is that when it happens to me, its always one of two things. I'm either distracted by the realization that I just can't let go because of things like "someone will hear me", or I need to tinkle, etc---those things kill the moment for me in a nano second. The other is if something between us is unresolved or lingering, in some way. It makes it very difficult for me to give so much of myself to him. Because this love is so good and strong, we usually knock all that stuff right out of there, but until that moment, I can be about to explode into a zillion pieces, and I'm not going to orgasm. It just won't happen. (Ok, well, unless he pinchs my nipples.)
I do hope others will offer us a little input, too. Thank you for your time!

Chele, I was so hoping you'd reply. In fact, I almost PMed you, but since we don't know eachother, I didn't feel comfortable doing so. I've always found a great deal of wisdom in your words.

I really don't know how to explain why the orgasm is so fulfilling to me. I guess the only thing I can say is that his are so strong, so beautiful, such a complete and total surrender that it almost has become a measure of sorts. When it doesn't happen, I beat myself up, wondering why I couldn't get him there. It feels like a loss of something that is such a bond for us, because usually we orgasm together.
I think this is a really good place to add that we have sex twice a day, could it be that he physically cannot come, because we do it so often?
Also, could it be that he sees my need for so much sex as the ultimate pressure? Don't get me wrong, he goes at it passionately, and we both enjoy it immensely. But he often loses it, or just can't orgasm.

I can't help but make the connection that when I express a more than usual need, or wish to fix something that is a problem, that in some way it makes him defensive and pressures him. As long as he controls the event, and he can tell me what to do (a major trigger for me) and I get off on doing it, we have an incredible experience. But if I've expressed that "I need him more than I ever have", or something as simple as "I need a lot more kissing", etc...then we're just screwed. Whether its something subconscious or not, it feels like such a loss.

He has tried Viagra, and oh, did it work! The thing is, it seems to bother him that it did work. Its as though it proved to him that he has a problem, and seems to have been a slap in the face for him. Therefore, I no longer suggest trying it again.

I've gone without all my life, so yes, I do realize that maybe sex is a little too important to me.

Thank you, Chele!

Okay, first of all his inability to come is most likely not directed at you, he is with you, he is trying to please you, he wants to be there, the more pressure you add to the situation the harder it will be on both of you.

As to why I have a couple ideas, maybes:

there are drugs that can keep a man from coming, is he on any of those?

Some of what you wrote about his behavior seems familiar. He might be getting overload by stimulus. It feels like from what you saying he controls his environment very carefully except when making love with you.

I have/get sensory overload. I have to prepare myself to be touched or at least mentally control my reactions initially to being touched. Some days or better than others. It is not just touch; it is all my senses, it is my constant reality. I have very acute sensory perception. I can only sleep on all cotton, linen or silk sheets unless my body is covered so I can’t feel them. Some women can smell other perfume on their partner, I could tell you what the base of that perfume was and maybe even the name. When I leave my apartment I can tell which neighbor in my hallway left previously by smell. In restaurants, I can hear all the conversations. At classical concerts I can hear if someone misses a note and so on. I am also a supertaster

At times my environment during sex overloads me. Most of my partners have understood this somehow, often without my telling them. I have coping mechanisms that I use to pull myself back into sex and my partner. Normally this does not cause any problems, but if I was pressured I am not sure I could do it as easily. Usually in sex having acute sensory perception is great thing unless overload happens.

I explain to new partners that I don’t like to be touched and I need to get used to their touch. The hard part for them is that it could happen even after we have been lovers for a long time, especially if we are physically separated for a while. When I initially withdraw from their touch, they think it is a reflection on them and my feelings for them, which it isn’t.

Midwestyankee-the morning sex part sounds normal to me. After sleeping with a person all night your body is accustom to them by morning. A back rub before sex helps if I have not spent much time being physically close to a person prior to sex.

Mmmmmm...backrubs

I read once that Marilyn Monroe would often start her sex with older men by straddling their lower backs, oiling them, and giving a back rub with her mound. When she got off she would then turn over and let them enter her.

That image still gets me in all the right ways.

Noor: thanks for your thoughts and insight.