Do You Really Know Who You Are Sleeping With? Older Woman Younger Man

Hello I have seen on the boards a few times where people are looking for older woman, younger man stories.

If you like mysterious stories involving older women and younger men, I have a new one I just posted. This one has a twist because do we really know who we are sleeping with sometimes?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=105959

An excellent story; I enjoyed it very much. The pacing and story development was very good. The characters seemed fairly real and I liked the interaction between Petra and Ben, especially the flirtations of Petra towards the beginning of the story.

There were quite a few punctuation errors, mostly with the use of commas and run-on sentences. Just a small sampling:

Petra’s finger’s should be Petra's fingers

...he said pointing to himself. should be ...he said, pointing to himself.

Withdrawing the book from the shelf, the woman lifted and wiggled her hips rubbing his groin feeling his erection.
should be
Withdrawing the book from the shelf, the woman lifted and wiggled her hips, rubbing his groin and feeling his erection.

Taking a few steps back he replied,... should be Taking a few steps back, he replied,...

Petra stood and started to walk towards Ben stopping a few feet from him.
should be
Petra stood and started to walk towards Ben, stopping a few feet from him.

Leaning forward she smothered Ben’s face between her boobs the smell of her skin was intoxicating.
should be
Leaning forward, she smothered Ben’s face between her boobs; the smell of her skin was intoxicating.

Her legs fell from her shoulder’s ankles clasped at the small of his back.
should be
Her legs fell from her shoulders and her ankles clasped at the small of his back.

Also, when you write what people are thinking, you aren't supposed to put their thoughts in quotes.

Overall, I liked the dialog, especially when they're in the bedroom, but there are spots where the dialog seemed a little too stiff and formal:

"It is right there,” he said...

“Mr. Merrick, I am taking his class as well,” Ben said.

“Sure Petra, maybe I will see you in class.”

“You are eating that cheeseburger like you are starving to death.”

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Try:

"It's right there,” he said...

“Mr. Merrick? I'm taking his class, too,” Ben said.

“Sure, Petra, maybe I'll see you in class.”

“You're eating that cheeseburger like you're starving to death.”

You repeated forms of the word "milk" ("milk", "milked" or "milky") too closely together towards the end of the story.

While I liked the overall storyline and the twist at the end, I had some plot issues:

Now, at the beginning of the story, I assume that the picture that Petra had kept from destroying was that of Ben, since there's a reference to her finding "her tool," and she ends up using Ben to get back at Betty. Is that assumption correct? If so, I wonder how she got Ben's picture in the first place and how she learned of his graduation if she's been ostracized from her family for so long. And why would she keep a picture of him if she hated her sister? Or am I totally wrong and the picture is of Betty and she's the tool that Petra uses to get back at the rest of her family? In any case, you can see I'm a litte confused about this picture, even though it doesn't seem to play a significant part in the story.

No mention is made of Petra's two children other than Ben asking about them in a photograph. They obviously aren't living with her ex-husband or Ben would have recognized them. Are they still minors and living with her? Or are they grown up and moved out? That would probably be the most likely explanation, and a convenient approach for Petra & Ben's relationship. I think that would have been worth mentioning in a line or two just to clarify things.

No mention is also made of what happened to the illegitimate child that Petra carried as a teenager. I think that this loose end would also have been worth tying up. I would think there would have been pictures of him or her, unless he or she happens to be one of the two children in the aforementioned photograph (in which case there would be at least an eight year difference in age between the siblings).

At one point, while they are having sex, Petra is straddling Ben's pelvis, "grinding her wetness on his bald crotch." Yet shortly after that, you have her sucking on his cock without any mention of her changing body positions in order to accommodate that. Then, after pleasuring him orally, you do mention Petra straddling Ben again, so it looks like you may have left off an earlier description of her getting off of his body.

Two asides: First, I'm surprised that Petra would carry her nephew's child. This would seem like more of a potential hardship on her and Ben than it would be an effective way of getting back at her sister. Her advanced age combined with the fact that Ben is such a close relative would greatly increase the chances of birth defects or developmental disability. Maybe she's not able to think through the consequences since she's so hellbent on vengeance, or maybe she's just using the pregnancy for its shock value and intends to abort later, but the story doesn't seem to indicate that. In any case, I would not have had Petra become pregnant, but that's just a matter of personal taste.

Secondly, there are an infinite number of answers for the algebra problem that you used (X=10, Y = 0; X=-10, Y=10; etc). If you would have also included an additional function, "5x - 2y = 2" for instance, then there would have been only one solution, the one that Ben wrote down.

All in all, an excellent story as I mentioned earlier. It looks like you've put a lot of work in it, but I would seriously consider cleaning the punctuation up and resubmitting just to have a well-polished product out there.

Hotcappucino said:

Also, when you write what people are thinking, you aren't supposed to put their thoughts in quotes.

Click to expand...

Hotcappucino, aren't the thoughts supposed to be in single quotes?

'I learnt it that way,' she thought.

Hotcappucino's Comments

I would like to thank everyone who has read "Seducing Ben" so far. While I respect Hotcappucino's comments and feedback, I feel that he has overstepped his bounds with his comments.

First, I fear that he suffers from a lack of imagination since, I left many of the questions in this story unanswered for a specific reason. TO MAKE THE READER THINK!!!

I fear that in our selfish me first, me first society we have forgotten how to think and have imaginations and poor Hotcappucino has been caught up in this.

Second, I do not appreciate the fact that he has basically disclosed the plot of the story. This to me is kind of like going to a movie and telling ten of your friends that they don't need to bother because XYZ happened in the movie.


Hotcappucino are you a published author? How many millions of copies of your latest book have you sold?

The next time you decide to answer a message on a thread for ANYONE, not just me, click on the little "pm" button and send a private message.

With my most respectful, parting kind reagards, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!

you asked for it

scorpio,

That was totally uncalled for. Hotcappucino has not overstepped his bounds with the comments. You have posted on this board which means that you are asking for comments and feedback on your story. Whoever is replying to your thread is doing you a favour. Whatever one replies is just what he/she thinks and they are entitled to that. You don't like it, too bad.

Hotcappucino wasn't rude to you anywhere in his post. At least credit him with the time and effort required to read your story and critique it with such attention to detail. Very few people do that here.

The reason people give feedback or critiques is not to point fingers at other people but to help them realise their mistakes and do better. If you can't take it, don't ask.

First, I fear that he suffers from a lack of imagination since, I left many of the questions in this story unanswered for a specific reason. TO MAKE THE READER THINK!!!

I fear that in our selfish me first, me first society we have forgotten how to think and have imaginations and poor Hotcappucino has been caught up in this.

Click to expand...

The personal attack in there was just cheap. You could have said what you wanted to without involving Hotcappucino in there.

Second, I do not appreciate the fact that he has basically disclosed the plot of the story. This to me is kind of like going to a movie and telling ten of your friends that they don't need to bother because XYZ happened in the movie.

Click to expand...

He warned the reader of his post what was coming clearly. If you didn't like that, you should have politely asked him to edit his post and cut away that portion.

The next time you decide to answer a message on a thread for ANYONE, not just me, click on the little "pm" button and send a private message.

Click to expand...

You asked for feedback here and you'll get it here. The next time you post in this board, leave a message on your post that all replies are to be PMed to you.

Have a nice day.

whatever

I'm not entirely sure what you're angry abot. Are you angry only because the plot was given away or are you angry about receiving the critique altogether or is there more involved?

I do notice that you did not ask for a critique or for feedback.

There is a natural assumption that you want such a thing because this is a board where all of the baby birds flock to cheep feedback me! However, that wasn't what the board was created for. It was also created for people to advertise their stories (which is what I've read from your original post) and to post about stories they liked.

Hotcappucino said:

An excellent story; I enjoyed it very much. The pacing and story development was very good. The characters seemed fairly real and I liked the interaction between Petra and Ben, especially the flirtations of Petra towards the beginning of the story.

***

All in all, an excellent story as I mentioned earlier. It looks like you've put a lot of work in it, but I would seriously consider cleaning the punctuation up and resubmitting just to have a well-polished product out there.

Click to expand...

Scorpio, I do understand how sometimes critiques can brush you the wrong way. It happens to me sometimes, too...but you've got to understand that posting on this board is basically opening yourself up for criticism, bad and good. Hotcap's critique wasn't bad. Look at it. It was thorough, which you don't find an awful lot, and riddled with compliments along with suggestions.

sigh.

Chicklet

Scorpiosting:

If I've offended you I deeply apologize. My only intent, whenever I post a critique, is to help a fellow writer get better. Perhaps you weren't expecting a critique, but this forum is called Story Feedback, and if you read the sticky for this forum, it says The writers and readers who frequent this area would love to give you comments, praises, and suggestions on your work.

As far as responding through a PM goes, I have responded to others via PM when it was so requested by the author. Otherwise, I think posting a critique in a public forum is desireable because:

1) it allows for discussion between other writers about whether a particular criticism or viewpoint is accurate. I certainly don't profess to be all knowledgeable when it comes to writing, and posting a public critique allows me to find out if my criticisms are valid (i.e., it allows others to critique my critique).

2) it allows other writers to learn from them. I'm sure you've had a teacher or professor say, "Please feel free to ask any questions because, chances are, there is someone else with the same exact question." As a writer, I've learned immensly from the critiques of others on the forum.

I am sorry about posting the plot summary. At first, I thought I needed to post it in my reply just to make sure I got the story right and to set up the plot issues that I had. I did attempt to warn others who may not want to expose themselves to the plot, but I've gone back to remove it from the original post.

I'm glad that you are at least passionate about your writing. It's easy for us writers to feel like our stories are our own little children, and any little criticism is an attack on them ("Little Suzie's getting a little heavy, isn't she?").

DP, as far as quoting thoughts go, many style sheets say that a change in font (italics) can be used to indicate a thought, others say that no special formatting should be used.

I picked average and only voted here. I wish there had been one other choice. Hmmm, if you did get any votes here, I would think you would be curious to know why they voted as they had.

Bad votes to learn where you might improve

Good votes to learn what great thing you might be doing right.

And, as per your comments here, I just know that you have the feedback options turned off on your stories.


Omni.