Children and BDSM

I am wondering what you all think about children and BDSM. No no no....not playing with them!!!

Those of you who have children and/or are of the age to have children; do you hide your lifestyle from your kids?

I've heard of children raised openly with parents in the lifestyle and others who hide it from them. Do you share it with them after they have reached a certain age?

What are your thoughts?

Personally, I think it's TMI for kids. Being taught not be be ashamed of their bodies or sex, yes. Given honest facts about sex, yes.

Their parents' personal sexual proclivities? Why?

Rubyfruit said:

Their parents' personal sexual proclivities? Why?

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Lol....that really wasn't where I was hoping for this thread to go. I agree that the sexual proclivities shouldn't be shared with your kids.

But there is much more to the lifestyle than sex. Dominance, submission, collars, titles.....

oh, oh, oh - lol



okay, well, i started a thread here once about TPE and parenting. if i remember correctly, there were some very interesting responses.

Mastersprincess said:

I am wondering what you all think about children and BDSM. No no no....not playing with them!!!

Those of you who have children and/or are of the age to have children; do you hide your lifestyle from your kids?

I've heard of children raised openly with parents in the lifestyle and others who hide it from them. Do you share it with them after they have reached a certain age?

What are your thoughts?

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Must have read my mind...a couple of friends of mine who are wanting 24/7 Master/slave relationships are facing the same questions at the moment so was going to post a thread last week but ran out of time. I am fortunate my only remaining child at home is in his late teens and aware from day one what my relationship was about. Even so, it does impact on the way you live your life as you have a responsibility to not force them to witness many of the intimate moments, and by that I am not referring to anything sexual as I think most on this board are responsible enough to not want to expose their children to that. It is restrictive, but unavoidable.

I am unsure how I would survive the same circumstances with younger children. I am definately an advocate for openess when confronted with children's questions as I feel to do otherwise is just a breeding ground for creating confused adults with a myriad of hangups leading to unnecessary difficulties in their lives. I think the level of knowledge they were exposed to would depend largely on the ages and personalities of the children, as well as their ability to understand and handle it in an appropriate way. I am sure if they started telling their friends their daddy (or mummy) whipped mummy (or daddy) regularly, they would soon find themselves ostracised by the other parents at the very least.

I think it is necessary once they reach an age when they can understand for them to have some knowledge of the type of relationship and what it means in a responsible way. I guess many will disagree, but unless you put most of your life on hold, and limit your 24/7 relationship to the bedroom only, which I think is unrealistic, you are going to have to be prepared to share something of the dynamics with them, progressing as their maturity and need grows.

It is similar to parents who think it appropriate to hide their homosexuality, or open plan marriages from children. Rarely does it go unnoticed by the children despite every conceivable effort on the parents behalf. The danger in this approach is the children then get to form their own ideas, often which damage them irreparably, cause unnecessary stress, are based on the wrong information, and leave their trust seriously in tatters. Each child is going to be different, each situation varied, but I think in some part the parents willl need to judge what to divulge and when in a way which is appropriate and seems natural to all involved.

Catalina

Fascinating topic, and I'm lurking here.

I don't have or want children, but I think it is one of the greatest, if not the greatest responsibility, one can ever accept in life, and I've never had to make that decision.

Mistress weighs out on the traditional end of the spectrum, thinking it is inappropriate to speak openly with children about BDSM as a lifestyle, and while She does not have children, She has lots of nieces and nephews with whom She has daily contact - all of whom I have met. I think I would lean more towards the liberal end, but for us, Hers is the winning vote.

lark "I like kids, but I couldn't eat a whole one" sparrow (sorry, I just love that tired, stereotypical joke!)

Speaking from outside the lifestyle, but as a parent:

Your right to practice any kind of "kink" and retain custody of your children is not well protected in the United States. Until very recently, simply being a sexually active homosexual was sufficient grounds for the courts to terminate your parental rights in case of a challenge. Homosexuality now has (shaky) status in the law as an inborn variation of human sexuality and not a freely chosen "perversion" liable to harm children. BDSM does not.

No matter how much you might like to be open with your family, one stray remark could set the crusaders in motion and end very badly indeed. Think about the most narrow-minded social worker, pastor, teacher or counselor you have ever run across, and imagine how your sex life, probably fourth hand and expanded in the telling, might look filtered through his or her prejudices. I don't think I can exaggerate the dangers here--families have been ruined on far less pretext.

Your children are almost certain to say something to someone at some time. Maturity doesn't have much to do with it. Teens, especially, will probably feel like they are being required to keep a dark secret on your behalf if you confide anything about BDSM practices to them, no matter what your motives are. Consider the possible consequences very carefully.

MM

My daughter is 12, and my son almost 21 years of age. I can't see where either would benefit from the information, so it makes no sense to discuss it with them. They know plenty about sex, but, in my honest opinion, preferences and play are something best left private.

I have kids ages 18, 16, 11, and 9 living at home, and a 21 year old with a 3 year old grandchild lives a few minutes away. I do not talk about my sexual activities with them- I didn't when I was a vanilla housewife mommy and I don't now that I'm a divorced collared submissive.

Neither do I wear my collar around the kids. However, they do hear me use "Sir" quite a bit, have noticed that I pretty much always kneel or sit at his side in the living room and bedroom, enjoy serving and waiting on him as much as possible, etc. We keep our floggers and toy bag in the closet and do not engage in super noisy play at home (there's tons of other stuff you can do that doesn't have the thuddy flogging sound or slapping spanking sound!) but reserve that for play parties and public dungeons. If the kids were to poke into the stuff in my closet, I would not be dishonest about it, but would vary the amount of information given depending on the age of the child and whether it's just a momentary curiosity or a real want-to-know question.

I think the Dominant/submissive side of bdsm is an EXCELLENT role model of respect, good manners, etc. and I have seen it have a very positive effect on my kids.

- justina

on justina's thoughts

First off, this is my first post and I'm new to the BDSM lifestyle. I am a Dom-in-training so to speak. I seem to have taken to it like a duck takes to water. My relationship is currently of the online variety, enhanced with many phone calls and recently snail-mail correspondence. W/we are meeting soon to see if all is in order to take things to the next plateau, that is skin-to-skin. I have two young children that I raise on my own and I'd never really considered the implications of the BDSM relationship as it pertains to them.

After having read the posts here, I'm inclineed to go with justina's take on things. I think that some of the submissive elements are healthy in the sense that a good Dom(in my opinion) wnats what is best for his sub and seeks to help her better herself.

In front of the children, I would prefer to be addressed by my given name. Sir or Master would be awkward around them. I don't want my daughter or my son to get any distorted views on relationships.

I want my children to see the softer side of the relationship. The love and nurturing that Dom and sub put into one another in order to further solidify the trust that exists between them. Good communication is another vital element that I would want to expose my children to.

I am always open about everything with my kids, and give them answers that they can handle. My take on it is: "If they're old enough to ask the question, they're ready for an honest answer." I wouldn't go telling them that Daddy spanks his lover or anything just yet, but I would try to explain some of the lighter aspects of the lifestyle.

I hope that this wasn't too wordy for a first post.

Just a quick note before I begin the day....I think some here are missing the point and classifying BDSM as sexual first, foremost, and totally which for most 24/7's it is not.

Catalina

catalina_francisco said:

Just a quick note before I begin the day....I think some here are missing the point and classifying BDSM as sexual first, foremost, and totally which for most 24/7's it is not.

Catalina

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Thank you Catalina. I don't think anyone here or on another forum would condone exposing our children to actual acts of sex. BDSMN, vanilla, gay....everyone wishes to protect their kids.

I have seen several posts on other threads, some who have open conversations with their grown kids, others who compromise their desires to truly live the lifestyle because of their kids. And I'm not talking sex, I am referring to submission. The titles we give to the Dom/me, etc. Do you (or your sub) sit at your Dom/me's feet? I'd like to hear from those that oppose it as well as those that condone it.

I'd also like to hear from any of you who might have been raised by parents in the lifestyle. How was it different from that of your friends? Did it encourage or discourage you to follow in their footsteps? I'm sure there are some of you out there...I'd love to hear from you.

princess

i would say it depends on your lifestyle. if you are primarily bdsm-inclined, and the things you do within that are limited mostly to sex/something physical, then i would say no, of course the kids shouldn't know that, unless they ask about it themselves at an older age. however for many of us, this is not our "sex life", this is our entire life. i am a submissive always....my Master is a Dominant always. it's who we are. so it's not even possible for us to hide this. my Master has a young child, and we do not change the way we interact with each other because of his child. we are ourselves. that doesn't mean he's paddling me in front of his child, or that we do anything inappropriate. it means that i show respect to, serve, worship, obey my Master the same as i do when his child is not around. His son knows that Daddy is the Boss, that i am not the one to run to to ask permission for things, etc. basically, he is growing up in a very loving, albeit very "old fashioned" household, where Father knows best, and the woman of the house, submits.

as far as how i address my Master around his child...that is the same also...i call him Daddy. that's who and what he is, to us both. and it's never caused any confusion for his child. i always take my meals in a place physically below my Master...whether that's below his feet, or in a lower/smaller chair. usually, i'm sitting on the floor. it's a message to his child that i'm more on the child's level, than Daddy's.

Great Thread!

WOW, this is a good one! My wife/first girl and I do practice 24/7 at home, and have an 11 month old boy. (he's so cute!...sorry proud poppa). In my home, she does not enter a room I am in without permission. She does not begin to eat at meals until I feed her the first bite from my plate. She wears bells most of the time so I know where she is, and to alert me she is at the door/entrance. She also must wear SOME SORT of collar at all times. We've found many a necklace or choker that will pass in the vanilla world. This is how we have lived our lives together since day one. We went into this relationship from the beginning as a D/s relationship, even though we met thru vanilla friends. (That's a really good story too, I'll post it sometime).

Since Dominick was born (please, no baby Dom jokes! ) we have modified the rules some. Waiting to enter the room is waived if she is: going to the baby, tending to the baby, carrying the baby, pretty much anything to do with baby. She doesn't wear bells all the time anymore, because while it doesn't really bother Dominick, it let's HIM know where she is, which can be a problem at nap and bed time. If he know's we're walking by, he try's to get our attention and won't lay down.

At this time we aren't sure just how the rules wil be changed in the future, but we know they will. Flexibility is the key.

In public and vanilla situations, instead of using "Master" she uses "Amo" which is master in spanish, but it also means "My love" (roughly). We think this will be acceptable, but we'll see.

Another thing that we are dealing with is our second girl, bubbles. Right now, and I think for a good long time to come, she is "aunty bubbles" who comes to visit mom and dad every few weeks and stays the weekend. We have kept her informed of the way the rules evolved and continue to evolve and they apply to her as well. So far, so good.

I do want him to learn some of the things that go with a D/s relationship. I want him to learn that it his duty to respect and care for his girlfriends. I want him to be a man, and take responsibility for his actions. I want him to be honorable, and a man of good character. Most of all, I want him to see how a man and woman can give themselves to each other completely, and be happy in their roles. We too seem to have an "old fashioned" household.

As for play... We do not play when he is around or awake, it's not appropriate IMO. He will however see daddy playfully swat mommy on the behind now and then, and may hear a resounding "yes sir!" now and then. At least I think so right now. Again, we'll see.

The playroom is another issue to think about. Now that he is still too young to go exploring around the house, it's still set up. Cross and bench are out, the floggers, paddles and pervertables are hung on the stands, knives and pointies on the tables, etc. When he is a little older, we have decided it will go from being OUR playroom, to being his playroom. Cross and bench will be replaced by toybox and crayon easel, floggers will be replaced with toys, and the walls will get painted with cartoons and race cars.

I hope he will be an enlightened and tolerant child. Many of his "uncles" will be married to each other, as are many of his "aunts". Some are black, some are white, some are other, and he will learn to respect and admire all of them.

We have a long future ahead of us and I have to admit, much like being a good Dom, I'm learning as I go.

edit: I wanted to add that at our local munch, which is lots of kinky people in a vanilla setting doing vanilla things, we have been told that if we don't bring the baby they won't let us in. I'm certain that whatever the situation, we'll be lucky enough to have as many people for opinions and resources as we need. I love my kinky friends and family, and they really love him.

Re: Great Thread!

MasterNico said:

WOW, this is a good one! My wife/first girl and I do practice 24/7 at home, and have an 11 month old boy. (he's so cute!...sorry proud poppa).
Yeah he's cute, we're still trying to figure out who the father is

I do want him to learn some of the things that go with a D/s relationship. I want him to learn that it his duty to respect and care for his girlfriends. I want him to be a man, and take responsibility for his actions. I want him to be honorable, and a man of good character. Most of all, I want him to see how a man and woman can give themselves to each other completely, and be happy in their roles. We too seem to have an "old fashioned" household.
All of which should be a good trick with a professional reporbate for a dad....we have to hope his mom is a good influence

As for play... We do not play when he is around or awake, it's not appropriate IMO. He will however see daddy playfully swat mommy on the behind now and then, and may hear a resounding "yes sir!" now and then.
We won't mention the whole "burying face in clevage" thing

I hope he will be an enlightened and tolerant child. Many of his "uncles" will be married to each other, as are many of his "aunts". Some are black, some are white, some are other, and he will learn to respect and admire all of them.
"L is for LESBIAN"
And you better include me out, I refuse to be respected or admired
Tarnishes my image

edit: I wanted to add that at our local munch, which is lots of kinky people in a vanilla setting doing vanilla things, we have been told that if we don't bring the baby they won't let us in. I'm certain that whatever the situation, we'll be lucky enough to have as many people for opinions and resources as we need. I love my kinky friends and family, and they really love him.

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'course we want the kid, it gives you an excuse to come so you don't just sit around the house & mope



*Note- Just ribbing my brother a bit......his kid is smart & cool (even when he's climbing my leg) and Nico is the most doting poppa you'll ever meet.....I think they're handlign things in the best way with the kid & hopefully Dominick will turn out to be 1/2 the man his daddy is

Thanks......this is what i was hoping to hear. From Moms and Dads in the lifestyle...how does it affect your daily lives.

I loved the reference to your play room....how it will be transformed to his playroom. If only our kids knew lol.

I am curious....how were you introduced into the lifestyle? and do you think your life now will influence your child?

Bump?

I have 3 children. A boy age 13. Two girls (that reside with me full time) ages 9 and 6.

When I first discovered this board I was involved in 2 seperate relationships..as a submissive to my Owner and as a Mistress to my 2 pets.

To be honest, living in a good D/s relationship is like a marriage. We never did anything that might make my children feel uncomfortable. We ate together, played together and our outside rituals were just like any other vanilla couple in love.

Yes, they may have heard Sir a time or two but that was about the extent of my interaction with that type of play around my children. He is a father in his own right and did not try to interfere with the way I wanted my children to react to US, as well as to the outside world.

I will admit that my children are unfailingly polite to most men (at least my girls are) and that my son has learned to speak softly whilst carrying a large stick..but I feel that those habits are due to bible study, as well as the more subtle way my Owner and I interacted. And that makes me think that I may have done ok by them .

Until my last R/l Owner, my children had seen me as the alpha female. Having a Dominant around kind of changed perceptions but not by much. There are ways to play with children present in the home, just as there are rites and rituals that make an indelible impression on young minds.

In the end, it taught my children inate respect for their elders as well as good manners and silence. None of these things can be considered a bad thing.

As i am not involved in a submissive role at this time, things have went back to being "mommy's word is law." That's fine with me...
makes it easier for me to keep my children in check.

That's it for me

Pet

Well, since my post last summer, Sir and I are now 24/7 for about the last 5 months and it's been quite interesting with the kids.

A couple of days ago, I picked up my 16 year old daughter after school and unexpectedly ended up driving her and her friend to several stores, etc. and I was not too happy about it. So my 16 year old turns to me in the car and says, "Mom, you know you shouldn't whine...B [Sir] doesn't like it!"

And one day my 9 year old son found a pair of handcuffs under my bed. I wasn't quite sure what to say...and then he pipes up, "Mom, T (his 22 year old sister) has some of these at her house too!" Then I was really speechless.

So I am finding things like this coming up and more, and it's a day at a time learning process, but I still find that the respect, politeness, care, and clear chain of command within the household are big positives.

-justina

Justina123 said:

And one day my 9 year old son found a pair of handcuffs under my bed. I wasn't quite sure what to say...and then he pipes up, "Mom, T (his 22 year old sister) has some of these at her house too!" Then I was really speechless.


-justina

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LOL, interesting how these things seem to run in families at times. Makes you wonder if those who go to great lengths to keep it hidden from family members may be unnecessarily concerned and missing a great sharing point. I know my daughter and I have a very open communication when it comes to sexual issues, and it has been known for her to ask me about something because she knows she can, and likewise. ROFL, I think she actually had handcuffs in her bag before I did!!

Catalina

Kids should not be exposed to their parents' sex live, whatever that is, as long as it can be avoided.

I have a 9 year old and a 4 year old and I would be worried that my kids would say something to someone. I want to keep whatever I do private esp around my children.