Married, but needing to play

Please help. I'm married but lately I've had a strong desire to play. Share your experiences to help me through this stage. Is it a stage or is it permanent?

not enough choices in the poll

My answer would be ...

yes I have, a few times, and it is wrong. (keep reading)

Wrong for me because my reasons came from anger and hopelessness and self destruction. 20+ years in a very loving and fun and frustrating marriage with a wonderful, caring, intelligent, man ... who just also happened to be addicted to drugs and alcohol. (of course, now that I've left him, he's straight ... he recently celebrated one year clean and sober !)

We have been separated for almost two years and during this time I have grown so much. I would love for us to stay together but I'm still struggling with how to tell him of this kinky side I've discovered about myself. I can't go back to him without being totally honest.

So, my advise, FWIW, is to truly examine the reasons you feel unfulfilled. Is there a problem with the relationship that is causing you to look for fun elsewhere? Or are you growing and changing? He may be too ... maybe you could share a fantasy with him.

BTW ... how long have you been married?

This is very interesting to me ... can't wait to read the other replies.

emer

ma long said:

Please help. I'm married but lately I've had a strong desire to play. Share your experiences to help me through this stage. Is it a stage or is it permanent?

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To start with I have never cheated on any of my partners. I am single & have been for years & the only offers I seem to get these days ARE from MARRIED ladies, I would much prefer a relationship but there isn't any available ladies interestedin that so it's masterbate lots more or go with the married ladies.

As for the married ladies I'vebeen with each has been very keen to try things that they haven't with their partners.So my question is what are the guys doing worng or not doing at all ???

ANY LADIES IN SYDNEY WHO ARE LOOKING FEEL FREE TO PM ME

I'm male/48 married for the 3rd time + several LTRs.
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When I first married, early twenties, my wife was having an affair. She actually pushed me into meeting him a couple of weeks before the wedding. I decided to proceed not because she promised to stop seeing him, but because I believed her to be sincere in her commitment to me.

Turned out she saw him a few times after we were married, confessing afterwards. (A positive bonus was that he taught her a few things and in turn, she taught them to me.) Still, we stayed together and were happily married for several years.

During that time, she came to me several times asking permission to see someone, and even several times asked to spend a weekend away a lover. I gave her my blessing each time, and she came back home a happy woman and ready to climb in bed with me.

I can't say she didn't do things I didn't know about, but I never went behind her back nor did I ever ask for permission to take my own extra lover. A couple of times we were in a situation that developed into a 3-way with no trouble before during or after.

We divorced because we realized that, while good friends, we really didn't have a lot in common outside the environment we were raised in, and that we were growing in very different directions at different rates. I helped her pack, we made love, and then she left, giving me a promise to go to bed with me at anytime in the future. We still have mutual contacts, and I keep telling myself that I should follow up on her life of the last 20+ years.
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One LTR (Living Together Relationship) started out as a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) and ended up with her moving to my city. Occasionally she took lovers, not telling me about them unless asked point blank. This didn't bother me since she came home, picked me up at the airport when I was traveling 2 weeks a month, and supported me though some rough times.

Once we even looked up three of her old boy friends on a vacation we took out west. I gave them time together. With one they returned a couple of minutes after I left them alone in a far part of the house. A second one took a good half an hour. The third set up a situation where the 3 of us together with his wife were naked together, but his wife stopped it while they were groping each other. We stayed overnight there, so I don't know that they didn't make connections. Still, all were quality people and I wasn't bothered.
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My second marriage included a time where I was charged with sexual harassment. My wife didn't ask if the charges were true or not but stood beside me all the way. Fortunately, I was eventually able to confront the "victim", who stated on record that there had been no harassment but that her (female) manager had made the complaint on her behalf. The incident was dismissed as office politics with a warning to everybody.

The point is that it didn't bother my wife (or so she said) that I might have been fucking an office mate, and that she supported me because we were married, not because she thought I was innocent. As I said, she never even asked.

She eventually became a very angry woman and divorced me in the aftermath of her father's death. The incident above was never raised, though she had a long list of other complaints.
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At one time, my kids were living in a college town where their mother was pursuing an advanced degree. I was working in a large city about an hour away, and living with a wonderful person near the big city. I kept the apartment in town (that I had moved into after the divorce) first because I wasn't sure about moving in with my new girl friend, and then so that I could have a place to stay overnight and visit my kids. I was there overnight maybe once a week and every other weekend.

With a couple of exceptions (her smoking was the biggest one), we were well matched. She gave hints of marriage and started a long deferred divorce.

For reasons not obvious at the time, I started talking with a girl who popped on instant messenger. She was looking for guys in the college town and I hadn't changed my profile to say I'd moved to the big city.

We were physically unmatched (she's 6" taller) but a good intellectual companions, so I classed her as a friend and we talked off and on. I hid this from my girl friend, because she expressed strong disapproval of me getting close to another female and promised dire repercussions if I ever did. Since I wasn't out to lay the college town girl, I didn't feel there was any conflict of interest. But still, why open a potential can of worms?

Well, eventually met, and attended a few afternoon lectures together at the college. I'd leave work early, drive to the college, and spend the evening with my kids. I enjoyed her friendship, and I didn't go into my living arrangements other than to stay that I was staying most nights in a house near the big city with some friends.

She had been recently divorced and was dating around and trying new experiences. Eventually, we had a semi-date on a day I hadn't scheduled seeing the kids. Then later we had a real date on a weekend when I was supposed to be staying overnight with the kids. We told each other that this was a one time no strings attached fling and woke up together in her bed.

Aside from bedroom issues (like geometry) we appeared to be an outstanding match, even better than my current girlfriend. I did not plan to leave my girl friend, and believed that I would continue seeing the college town girl without getting sexually involved again.

As you guessed, we just happened to have another couple of "unplanned" fucks. She said that she was seeing other people, so it didn't bother me if it didn't bother her. (Turns out that she couldn't bring herself to have more than one lover at a time, and I had become her only lover.)

For a brief while, I loved having two lovers. I cared for both deeply. I found I couldn't spend as much time with each one as I wanted. I didn't consider the college girl for a pair-bond mate. But, if she had been shorter with wider sexual tastes, and if I were looking for a pair-bond, I would have made a strong effort toward the college town girl.

Then the shit hit the fan. A friend asked college towm girl if I was fucking anyone else, which was an excellent question. Her friend not only observed signs of a second lover (unavailability) but ask if we were having unsafe sex (we were) and made observations about STD.

She confronted me, and I told her everything about my living arrangements. We agreed to be tested, and talked over options.

The one requirement college town girl placed on me was that if I stayed involved with her that I be sexually exclusive with her, and in return she would be exclusive with me. Her advice was to go back and be exclusive with my girl friend.

After 5 days, I decided to do a rash and foolish thing and throw away one of the best loves of my life for a relatively unknown.

I stayed home from work one day, took a carload of my things back to college town, and packed the remainder. When the girl I was living with came home from work, I told her that I'd been cheating on her and was moving out before she threw me out.

This caused all of us great pain, especially her kids who were so happy that she was finally happy with a good man. The college town girl also shared my pain, and felt guilty for aiding in the breakup.

Two months latter I was living with the college town girl and a year and a half later we were (and remain) married.
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Morals from my stories.

1. My lovers/mates have had sexual contacts beside myself and (save one case) things were well and good. I firmly believe this can be the rule, not the exception if parties agree.

2. I could and did support sex with more that one woman and feel that I could continue to do so on a long-term basis.

3. Eventually, the truth comes out. Keeping somebody in the dark sets up troubled times.

4. I loved each of them deeply. I was willing to commit to each of them, but that was impossible to do.

5. Other people were (or would have been) badly hurt no matter which one I chose, not to mention my aching at the loss of the one I didn't choose. There was no good choice.

6. Divine providence moves in mysterious ways to mate me to one (who I now know) is by far the best pair bond I've ever had.

7. While I still long to do things in the bedroom that I can not do with wife (even if she wanted to), I have promised not to get sexually involved with another without her express permission and I'm trying hard to accept that I will probably never get it.
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If I had to do it, I'd find someone in a stable marriage who wanted a fuck budy for some reason like they can't get enough at home. If at all possible, I'd like for both "others" to know what was going on; but maybe the risk is acceptable to you.

I know of a situation where a couple has been getting together off and on for years. They live in the same neighborhood and can arrange to be home at the same time while their spouses are working. I assume, but don't know for sure, that neither spouse is aware they are more than "good friends". But sometimes what is known goes unsaid for a very long while!

Nope never have cheated...Probably never will...Even though we are legally seperated and I've had a chance to cheat on him I never have...I masterbate alot just to help with being lonely...

ma long said:

Please help. I'm married but lately I've had a strong desire to play. Share your experiences to help me through this stage. Is it a stage or is it permanent?

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What exactly aren't you getting at home that you think you would find by 'playing' with someone else? Are you not getting enough sex? Enough variety? Or are you just tired of seeing the same face in bed? Whatever the reason, have you tried to talk to you spouse about it?

I'm a woman in my mid-thirites. I can tell you that both my sex drive and my imagination have gone through the roof the past couple of years. It seems like I'm horny all the time. Fortunately my husband has been able to keep up with me for the most part, and when he isn't here to satisfy me masturbating while fantasizing or reading some of the great stories here at lit gets me by.

Could I find someone to 'play' with? Probably, but I have too much love and respect for my husband to consider stepping out on him, and if the urge ever got that bad for me to consider it, I would rather have a talk with him to find an alternative we both could live with first.

BirdsWife

ma long said:

Please help. I'm married but lately I've had a strong desire to play. Share your experiences to help me through this stage. Is it a stage or is it permanent?

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I think that you'll find that the opportunities to cheat, and the motives of whether or not to take advantage of them, are nearly limitless. I don't think that much of what I've done outside of my marriage rises to the level of 'cheating,' but I'm sorely tempted to cheat for various complex reasons (some might be good reasons, but I doubt it), and probably this is NOT a 'phase.'

I think that whether it's a stage or is permanent depends more on your partner and your relationship with your partner, not on YOU per se. And while I'm generally in favor of play, I'd caution you about the classic slippery slope--you try some mild forms of play for a while, but they lose their appeal and intensity over time so that you wish for more...

Roman

variety is the spice of life.

that leads to another question does having "fun" on here mean your cheating???

My wanting to play probably stems from a desire to be fulfilled by another. Will the variety of an affair lead to a more fulfilling time with my spouse?


Is sex chat considered to be unfaithful?

ma long said:

Is sex chat considered to be unfaithful?

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If your spouse does not specifically OK it, then yes, it's cheating.

If your spouse does not object to you cybering or even phoning, then no, because together you have defined at as being acceptable within the terms of your individual realionship.

Basically, if you're up to something you feel you need to hide, then you probably already know, it's cheating.

Since being in a 3 year affair with a married man - I want to know what's up with all you married people? #1. why do you stay married when you're obviously unhappy? #2. None of you married people ever have sex with your spouse anymore? #3. What's the point of being married if you don't stay true to eachother?
I personally believe marriage is a bad idea in general and a really bad financial idea for most men and any woman with her own money. Why do you all keep doing it?

crazybbwgirl said:

Since being in a 3 year affair with a married man - I want to know what's up with all you married people? #1. why do you stay married when you're obviously unhappy? #2. None of you married people ever have sex with your spouse anymore? #3. What's the point of being married if you don't stay true to eachother?
I personally believe marriage is a bad idea in general and a really bad financial idea for most men and any woman with her own money. Why do you all keep doing it?

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Generalize much?

Assuming all married people are unhappy is just as bad as saying that all women who sleep with married men are amoral sluts.

hee hee hee - touche`

You got married for a reason. If that reason is gone...get divorced and go knock yourself out. No need to drag someone through the dirt because you couldnt be honest and upfront about needing your jollies else where.

I have never cheated, and I don't think I ever will.

We have a moderatly kinky sex life, but I find myself wanting more, so that's where cyber sex and lit comes in!

I can let it all out here and stay faithful.

Been married 15 years now.
I have great communication with my wife and she and I share everything with one an other, we talk about all kinds of sex, things we like, dislike and would love to try.
Try talking and learning about one another…….There are tons of reasons why I couldn’t do it but one is I would never want it to happen to me. I think it has a lot to do with respect and love.


My advise is don’t do it you both deserve better , cheating is a little high school way of dealing with things.........

think carefully

Great post, raventale. I think your experience makes an excellent point.

There is nothing more exciting than the thought of being able to have all those wonderful 'firsts' again, but each person has to decide whether the temporary excitement they will find in an affair is worth the price they might end up paying. What will happen long term when the excitement of the affair wears off? An affair with another person?

Marriages become dull and boring when people let them become dull and boring. If people took all the time and energy they spent looking for excitement outside of the marriage and invested it into their marriage I believe there would be a lot less divorce.

Obviously there are some couples who are simply no longer compatible, or never were and married for the wrong reasons to begin with. If things are really that bad, then a divorce is a much better option than sneaking around behind your spouse's back.

You have considered talking this out with wife, haven't you? Find some new things to do together. Maybe include other people if you really really feel that's what's you're missing.

Start by sharing fantasies or getting some books. Spend a weekend away at a resort.

See if you can do a "restart" in the bedroom.

Re: think carefully

Thank you for the insight.
If an affair makes you realize how special your spouse is, isn't it worth it? If playing with someone else teaches you the life lesson that you have everything that you need, what's wrong with playing once in a while?
Would you have been able to deal with your affair better if you knew that your spouse was playing while traveling on those long business trips?

raventale said:

...yes, i have....

My advice to you, ma long, is to think VERY carefully before you jump into something outside your marriage because no matter how prepared you think you are for an affair, some aspect of it will certainly catch you off guard.

I did not go looking for an affair. It found me and blindsided me with the thrill of something new. I love my husband - he is truly my best friend and my better half. I married young and like an idiot, thought that marriage would somehow render me blind to the charms of other men. No guy could ever be as cute as mine, right? When I met OM (other man) at work (he was there only on a project basis), I was floored. He was gorgeous... total eye candy. Things remained casual for a long time, and while I definitely fantasized about OM, the idea that it might become a reality never entered my head. When he asked me out for drinks after work one night (husband was on a business trip out of the country and I honestly had nothing better to do), I figured what the heck. I have lots of guy "friends" that I hang out with alone, or even with my husband. What difference would one more make? We had so much in common and could talk so easily. I became swept up in the "romance" phase of this new relationship - the thrill of being with someone who didn't already know all my stories and someone who thought I was exciting, beautiful (I belive "stunning" was his actual word...) and passionate. I fooled myself into thinking that our casual dinners out were nothing... until he kissed me.

I wish I could say too much wine that night was the reason for my slip, but looking back I can now admit that I wanted it. Imagine - the thrill of a "first kiss" all over again. The kind you haven't felt in years... and it just rocks your universe.

Sleeping with him was easy, because my husband was traveling a lot at that time, and it was phenomenal sex. My only rule was never in my own house. I thought I could keep it casual, but it became more and more difficult because he was NOT married and led such an exciting life. I found myself feeling tied down and resenting my husband for dumb things - not wanting to really listen to me after a long day of work if there was a sporting event on TV (OM listened intently to me whenever I griped), not wanting to spend money on something for fun because we were saving for a house (OM said he'd buy it for me), not wanting to go out late and party on the weekends because he was tired (OM went out clubbing almost every night). Etc. My husband and I started fighting more and more about stupid things, and it was the first time in 10 years that I thought maybe I shouldn't be married.

It was actually something my husband said to me in the midst of one of our fights that lifted the haze from my head. We were arguing about cars (OM drove a sporty fun car and I was sick of our urban beater and wanted to spend big money on something fun and sporty and highly unpractical). We could afford it, why not do it. My husband's response to my growing anger was, "Do you really want that car? Because if you do, then I'll buy it for you because I love you and I want you to be happy. I'm trying to plan and save for our future, but if this car is THAT important to you, then let's just go get it."

"Save for our FUTURE." It was like getting slapped in the face. At that moment that I realized that OM had no future with anyone and could spend his time (and money) on whatever he wanted. It also dawned on me that perhaps 10 years down the road, OM might also find a televised sporting event more stress-relieving than my gripes about my own job. And 10 years down the road, I might not be so "new," "exciting," or "stunning" to him either anymore. And when I looked at my husband, I realized that if I wasn't in his life, he'd probably be a lot like OM - constantly at the gym, bars, driving a fancy car and renting a cool bachelor pad...

And I found the strength to end it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done because I really cared about OM. He was tender and strong and sweet all in one, and I loved being with him. But I loved my husband more.

Do I regret it? No, but that's me, and maybe you think that makes me a horrible person. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Did I tell my husband? Are you kidding?! What for? Honesty is not always the best policy. I thought about telling him for a while - how good it would feel to unload it all, but then I put myself in a reverse situation. What if HE was the one having an affair (all those long business trips... you never know)? Would I want to know about it? And I decided it depended on what HE wanted. If he "slipped" and had something short term but was over it and still wanted to spend his life with me, then forget it. Don't ever tell me. If he wanted a divorce, then I guess I'd want to know about it. Bottom line, I don't want a divorce, so I made the decision to never tell ANYONE (which I guess I've now violated with this post) and spare him if at all possible.

So the lesson learned is two-fold. The positive aspect about an affair is that it can wake you up inside and make you feel more ALIVE than you've felt in years. The negative is that it can (and most likely will) be damaging to your marriage. The positive is that it might open your eyes to what's missing and make you understand and appreciate your husband all over again. The negative is that you had to violate something sacred with someone you probably love a great deal to figure that out.

You know yourself better than anyone on this bulletin board. What was a good experience for some (or a bad experience) doen't hold true for everyone. You need to weigh your own pros and cons carefully, take all the risks into consideration, and then make your own decision.

I wish you luck in making your choice, and strength to get you through whatever you decide....

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Before seeking another person to make you happy, look into yourself. Try to find out what you need or what you are lacking. Be honest with your wife, maybe she is not feeling like things are working out either. Wanting to have an affair is sometimes a symptom of something much larger than needing to be fulfilled sexually.

Your last post sounds like you are twisting raventales post to justify what you want to do.

Good luck to you and your wife.

Re: think carefully

Fauna said:

Your last post sounds like you are twisting raventales post to justify what you want to do.

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yup.

Just make sure you know what your reasons are for looking else where.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side.